


Reflections: Series 3

by Emachinescat



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Crack, Episode Review, F/M, Friendship, Gen, Humor, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2010-09-22
Updated: 2011-09-08
Packaged: 2018-01-13 18:47:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 29
Words: 111,599
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1237126
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Emachinescat/pseuds/Emachinescat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A different, rather unorthodox take on S3 of Merlin. This biting satire will either have you rolling on the ground from spasms of laughter or attempting to bash your head through a brick wall. Also, an epic battle rages between Team Merlin & Team Arthur.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Tears of Uther Pendragon: Part 1

**Author's Note:**

> Don't own Merlin, for entertainment purposes only.
> 
> Here there be silliness! :) Inspired by Dan Bergstein's Blogging Twilight.
> 
> Enjoy. :)

I have to admit, when I first saw the title of this, the first installment of series 3, I was very happy. I know this may sound petty, mean, or maybe even cruel, but let me tell you - I am NOT a fan of King Uther, for a myriad of reasons...actually, I could probably list a reason for disliking him for every single episode that has been aired...but I won't go into that now, but that's an interesting idea for a later blog, though... *cackles as if plotting something sneaky* It's not that I want him to die or anything. I mean, there's no one that I really

 _want_ to die in this show (at least on the "protagonist" side of the spectrum). I'm not wishing for his death (mainly because his death would probably lead to the end of the show pretty quickly, so come on, Uther, long live the King!), but the thought of him crying gave me a bit of joy, no matter how childish that joy might be. it is joy nonetheless. Come on, y'all - you've seen the show (I hope). You know that I'm talking about. The guy may be considered a "hero" of the show, but he's still at world-class jerk. If he's going to cry and writhe in pain a bit, I'm all for it. Maybe it'll touch on the shred of humanity that he has left in his bitter, cold heart after killing so many innocent people...

Sorry...rant. I may do that from time to time.

Anyway...

Before I begin blogging about the actual episode (I know, I know, hurry it up already, you have to be at yoga class or make family for your dinner or capture a pigeon that can play golf...geez, have a little patience, will you?), I want to give a little background of the first time I watched it. It was two Sundays ago, on September 12. I had spent the weekend at my friend Kelsey's in this itty-bitty town of awesomeness called Rickman. We had a great weekend...we went shopping (I bought my first fedora!), went to a fall festival, at at some fancy place where I paid freakin' $15 for chicken tenders, we went to her church's homecoming, hung out at her place, and went to see  _Vampires Suck_. Oh, and I also watched _Ferris Bueller's Day Off_  for the first time. (Giggle)

But I digress.

I was so excited as we were driving back to school in the dark because I knew that Merlin series 3 had premiered on BBC the night before and I was hoping that some nice, amazing, wonderful, incredible, beautiful British person would put it on YouTube (thank you, my Snazzlefrazzly friend). I had a big Computer Applications test the next day that I needed to study for and an American Literature test on Wednesday that I hadn't looked over the material for yet. I also had some sort of homework assignment to do. I told Kelsey that I was going to use The Tears of Uther Pendragon as my incentive to get my homework done, and that I wouldn't even begin to watch it until after I had studied for both of my tests and did whatever assignment had been given to me. And I meant it, too. Honest.

But when I got to school and checked just to see if someone had put it online (which they had), I cracked. The fan-girl in me won over. And I watched the episode before I studied. But the way I see it, I rewarded myself in advance for the awesome job I was going to do studying later. I think it worked, by the way. I made a 96 on the Computer Applications test! So...yes, that is the backstory that I was so eager to tell you about. Pretty nifty, huh?

But this isn't a blog for me to talk about the awesome weekend I had with my awesome friend Kelsey at her awesome house. This is about The Tears of Uther Pendragon: Part One.

The episode began with Arthur, Merlin, and a slew of knights coming upon a...well, I believe it was supposed to be a battlefield, but it was more of a slaughter than anything. All the good-guy knights that had fought were strewn all over this open plain, dead. Arthur says to check for survivors, but I don't think there were any. Poor guys.

We find out from the dialogue in the next few minutes that the quest these knights (and apparently, many others before them) had been on was one to find Morgana, who, in case you haven't seen the second season yet (SPOILER ALERT FOR SEASON TWO), was taken away from Camelot after being poisoned by Merlin (LONG story, but basically she made a bad choice, and the only way to save hundreds if not thousands of people was for Merlin to kill her, and he did NOT want to do it, but he did what was necessary) by her half-sister who corrupted her, Morgause. Uther, of course, didn't know about Merlin trying to poison his beloved ward (actually no one but Merlin, Gaius, and the Great Dragon Kilgharra know about it). Yeah, if Uther knew about it, then the show Merlin would be over because there would be no Merlin. Sad, I know...Uther can be such a heartless jerk-thing OF DOOM!

Arthur says that they are going to try and track the evil dudes that did this. Merlin, the ever-cautious awesome one, asks if they really should be going after the guys that so easily slew all these trained knights. Good point, Merlin. So far, this season, Merlin is winning in the smartical area. I mean, honestly, if I saw a bunch of brave, noble knights dead because of a certain group of bloodthirsty evil doers, I would be at least a little wary of following them into the dark woods without some sort of plan first other than KILL, but anyway, I guess being crowned prince of Camelot means that you don't have to think things through. By the way, I'm going to keep score insult/smart-butt comment wise between Arthur and Merlin. At the end of this season, we'll see who has the most clever retorts. So as I was saying, after Merlin asks if they should be following these evil baddies, Arthur looks at him disdainfully and says, "Merlin, you are  _such_ a girl's petticoat." OOOH! BURN! (Even if it's totally not true, because Merlin is amazing and was just being cautious.) But still, a burn is a burn, so... as of now, Arthur 1, Merlin 0.

They set off. We then get a rather boring but I suppose important dialogue between Gaius and Uther. Gaius is trying to convince Uther that he needs to stop looking for Morgana. She's apparently been missing for a year now (which makes me wonder what our Merlin peeps have been up to in the past year. Have they spent every ounce of free time looking for Morgana? Or have they taken up new hobbies like Yahtzee or roller blading?), and Uther has apparently sent countless knights on quests to find her, and few, if any at all, came back (just so you know, it's because they were killed. Pointing out the obvious? Sorry.). Gaius thinks its about time they stop searching. I find myself agreeing with the old doctor here. I mean, come on - if Morgana comes back, she could tell Uther that Merlin tried to poison her. And then, as I said before, Merlin would be a thing of the past. And that would (pardon my Elvish) SUCK. Because, as I've pointed out various times before, Merlin. Is. Awesome.

They talk some more and I think Uther says something about not needing friends or something, and I'm thinking, "Hmmm...maybe  _that's_ why you are a bitter, annoying, jerk-balloon OF DOOM!" He says he'll never stop looking for Morgana, which I suppose is kind of sweet, but I have a feeling that he should just leave well enough alone. Call it a gut instinct, ESP, or I'm writing this blog late and I've already seen this episode and the next one. Whatever floats your boat.

I don't know, though. This conversation sort of bored me, but that's just because I was looking so forward to Merlin and Arthur coming back onto the TV. Or computer screen. Whatever. Details, details.

Okay, so random thought here: you know how in Twilight they have Team Edward and Team Jacob? I'm thinking about starting a Team Merlin and Team Arthur. I love them both, of course, and neither of them are bad, so it's okay if you want to sign up for both teams. I'm more of a Merlin fan myself, so my friend April (who plans to marry Bradley James) will most likely jump at the opportunity to be captain of Team Arthur. I'll let you know when try-outs are.

ANYWAY...

Back to the awesomeness that is Arthur and his bestest buddy Merlin! They are now going through the forest with several knights, trying to find the baddies that stole Morgana. Merlin's groaning on the horse and the following (amazing) conversation ensues:

ARTHUR: Is there something wrong with you?  
MERLIN: I've been on a horse all day.  
ARTHUR: Aw, is your little bottom sore? (Point Arthur for pretending to care with sarcasm!)  
MERLIN: Yes. It's not as fat as yours. (WOO! 1 point to the guy with the magic!)  
ARTHUR: You know, you've got a lot of nerve. For a wimp. (Point Arthur!)  
MERLIN: Well, I may be a wimp, but at least I'm not a dollop-head. (Dollop-head? I love this word! It's the insult I was telling you about in the last blog! WOOT! Go Merlin! If I could, I'd give you 10 points for that amazing insult, but I can't, so...POINT MERLIN!)  
ARTHUR: There's no such word.  
MERLIN: It's idiomatic.  
ARTHUR: It's what?  
MERLIN: You need to be more in touch with the people.  
ARTHUR: Describe dollop-head.  
MERLIN: In two words?  
ARTHUR: Yeah.  
MERLIN: Prince Arthur. (OOOHHH...again with the BURN! Arthur, you've been served! Another point for Merlin!)

Okay, I LOVED that conversation. Give me a second to tally up the numbers, and we'll see where our score is now. Please enjoy this music while your party is counting...

LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Alright, I've got the totals from that hilarious conversation, and the points now stand thus: Arthur 3, Merlin 3. Oooh, a tie! This is getting good!

After this, Arthur shushes Merlin because he thinks he hears something a-stirring in the woods. My guess is that he's still trying to handle getting SERVED by his servant, so he makes it up to draw attention away from his scarlet-blushing face. But, alas, Merlin cannot savor his moment of victory because some random dude gets shot with an arrow.

I've been thinking. A lot of random dudes die in this show and no one even feels sorry for them. They just say, "Oh, look, some random dude just got his head lopped off...So we're doing Hamburger Helper for dinner, right?" I think I'm going to do a memorial service for all those random dudes that die during the show that no one even bothers to think about other than, "Oh, how nice, he just fell to the ground, writhing and shrieking in agony. How quaint. Honey, where's the chainsaw?" I'll let you know the date, time, and place for the service at a later date. Cool?

So the random dude (he needs a name, so we'll call him Bilbo) gets shot and a battle ensues as the guys who attacked all those knights rush from the trees and attack our heroes. I am NOT going to go deep into the whole play-by-play battle sequence, because I don't want to be here all night, so I'll say this: like usual, Arthur kicks some butt. He's in danger and Merlin uses his awesome magic to save his life. Arthur looks over and sees Merlin lying on the ground behind a tree (from where he just, not ten seconds ago, saved the ungrateful bugger's life) and says something along the lines of, "We're not playing hide-and-seek, Merlin!" And Arthur takes the lead! Then Merlin responds with, "Dollop-head." Whoops, never mind, they're tied again, neck in neck with 4-4. This is better than golf! (Okay, who am I kidding, anything's better than golf.)

After they defeat all the baddos, with a LOT of help from Merlin, I might add, everything goes quiet...too quiet. And then, from out of the trees, shrouded in mist, emerges...the KRAKIN!

Okay, kidding, but wouldn't that be awesome? Scary, too. Although I'm not sure that what really comes from the mist-covered trees is any less frightening.

It is...Morgana, dirty and bruised, but alive. Alive, as in NOT dead! Merlin's looking like he's swallowed a bogie-flavored Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Bean (and who can blame the poor guy, if Morgana tells Uther what happened in series 2, episode 13, Merlin will be a goner). And then...the opening title sequence/song comes on!

I know, right? This many words and we're just now at the theme song...what's wrong with me? I've got a lot to talk about, that's what. And if you don't like it, well, then, I guess you don't like it. So there. Wow, I showed them. Maybe I need to add myself to the burn meter too. Arthur 4, Merlin 4, Lizzie 100,000,000 (because I'm awesome like that).

So the show resumes with Gaius looking over Morgana, giving her a check up. Gwen's with him, but she doesn't do much except nod. Gwen doesn't do much at all this episode. She's being a lazy bum. Hey, Gwen the Couch Potato! Get off your butt and do something productive in this episode, like clean my room or bathe my cat! Hmmm...maybe all these extra, amusing side notes are what's taking me so long to write this. Hm. That's an interesting thought. Anywhat...

Uther wants to know if Morgana will be okay and Gaius says, "Yep." (Not a direct quote.) Uther is overjoyed but kind of bummed when he finds out he can't see her until tomorrow. Back in Gaius's chambers, Merlin is having a spaz-fest because he is terrified that Morgana will tell Uther that Merlin tried to kill her. Gaius tries to comfort him, but all Merlin responds with is, "What do you think Uther will do to me?" Poor kiddo. He's like totally freaking out. Gaius tells him to just wait and see what tomorrow brings.

Tomorrow comes and Gaius comes in, telling Merlin that Arthur has requested his presence. Merlin's face looks like, "Okay, cool man, whatever. Do you think my feet smell weird?" Then Gaius continues..."In Morgana's chambers." Now Merlin's face is all like "DUN DUN DUUUN!"

So Arthur and Morgana are having some sort of hushed conversation about her captivity which I didn't pay attention to because I was too busy looking at Merlin. And then they hug, and over Arthur's shoulder, Morgana sees Merlin waiting in the doorway and tells Arthur that she needs to rest. After Arthur leaves, Morgana calls Merllin back, saying she needs to talk to him.

I gotta hand it to Morgana, the girl doesn't beat around the bush. She goes straight into it. She's all, "I know what you did. You tried to poison me."

I was like...wow. She tells Merlin that she understands why he did what he did, and that she's seen the error of her ways, and guess what? Merlin looks at her and says, "No, I don't believe it, you lying she-witch! You are an evil sorceress who is only bent on the destruction of Camelot! Begone! I smite you with my cuteness and awesome magic of DOOM!"

Not really. Just kidding.

He actually just laps it all up like my chihuahua when we've spilled milk on the floor. He buys it. Every. Single. Freaking. Word. Of. It. He's all like, "Okay. Oh, and hey, when you get done with your super-secret rendezvous with your evil half sister, you wanna go grab a bite at Taco Bell?"

So yeah. Merlin, my dear, THINK. She's only been gone with her evil half sister for an entire year. What do you think she's been doing all that time? Baking cookies and singing karaoke at the nearest bar? NOOOO! She's been plotting against Camelot. Even Cho Chang or, heaven forbid, Bella Swan could of figured out that one. Merlin, honey, you need to wake those brain cells up, okay, dear? Please? Okay, I take that back. Bella would probably just sit there and hum and then say, "Oooh! Sparkly hot guy! Me likey! I wonder if he'll bite my neck and steal my soul because I'm not pretty enough for him?"

Back to the plot. Merlin is smiling like a ding-dong (no offense, my lovely) when Arthur comes into his chambers. Arthur wants to know why he's so happy and Merlin says "The sun is shining-" and before he can finish, my brain has run off like a gazelle in the tepid moonlight of the dark crevices of my soul. What is my brain thinking? "The sun is shining, the tank is clean, and we are getting out of h-the tank is clean? THE TANK IS CLEAN?" Yes, Finding Nemo. My. Brain. Rocks. By the way, my amazing roomie, Cat, is totally cheering my rocking brain on right now, while throwing a life-sized replica of a human heart at me...at least, I think it's a replica. Oh my gosh. I can't feel my pulse. Just kidding...I found it. It was under my bed.

Anyway, he says that the sun is shining, they found Morgana, and he just finished all his chores. Arthur then proceeds to march into the room, and Merlin asks if he'll wait because he just washed the floor. Arthur says, "Don't worry, I won't slip up." Merlin then says something about "You don't get it do you?" and Arthur acts all offended. Merlin says, "It's just...you've never had to do it." And Arthur says, "I know how to use a cloth and a bucket." He then proceeds to take the cloth, dips it in the bucket, and shoves the soapy rag into Merlin's face. Point Arthur. He then says, "Would you like me to show you how to use the bucket?" And he dumps the whole bucket on Merlin's head. Poor kid. Point Arthur. So that makes it 6-4, with Arthur in the lead.

Switching gears now. Uther and Morgana have a sappy and sooo fake (on Morgana's part) reunion. Apparently Morgana wanted Uther to cry, though, which he does, and she wipes his tears away, and then clutching the hankie, she strides out of the room, an evil smirk on her face. Does she have some sort of evil scheme? No, of course she doesn't because Merlin has decided she's all good. *rolls eyes in an exaggerated fashion*

Then she goes to a secret meeting in a creepy, dark cave in the woods, where Morgause is stirring a giant cauldron filled with what looks mysteriously like my mom's brownie mix. So that's where the brownies went! They talk about their plot to drive Uther crazy (I know, short putt, right?) by using the mandrake root (flashback from Harry Potter 2! Yaysers!) and Uther's tears. Apparently, with the root dripping crazy juice under his bed, he's go nuts. Morgause says something about how the mandrake digs deep into the recesses of the consciousness, bringing guilt into their version of reality in the form of fear. Wow. Nice. I thought that mandrakes just made people die if they screamed too loud. Sweet.

Morgana puts it under Uther's bed.

Later, Arthur is practicing his sword fighting - blindfolded. Awesome. He asks Merlin what he thought. Merlin replies with, "I've seen better." (Point Merlin!) and then Arthur makes fun of Merlin's fighting. Jerk. I laughed, which I guess kind of negates me calling him a jerk. Anyway, point Arthur. 7-5. Then Merlin uses his awesome magical powers to make Arthur lose his sword and go face down in the mud. Point Merlin. 7-6. Woot!

Moving on, it is that evening and they are having a banquet for Morgana's return. Uther gives a boring and mushy speech and then heads outside. This is where it gets weird. He's outside and hears someone calling his name. He goes to the well, looks down, and then laughs it off, because, you know, when I hear a disembodied voice calling my name from somewhere within the bowels of a well, I laugh. At the very least, he could have called for Lassie, because little Jim Bob or Timmy or whatever could be stuck in the well. Anyway, he laughs. Then a pale, dripping hand grasps his wrist. A beautiful, albeit dead, woman (who turns out to be his dead wife) is holding onto him for dear life (that's just an expression, because she is, in fact, dead. So maybe she's hanging on for dear death. I dunno.). Uther then proceeds to scream in bloody murder. The guards find him.

Arthur is freaking out because his dad is sick and acting like a loony-bird (for lack of a more eloquent term). Morgana pretends to be distraught, but we know that she's a lying meanie, so we don't feel sorry for her. Gaius tells Arthur later that Uther kept saying his mother's name over and over. Arthur wants to know if he'll be okay, and Gaius says he should eventually.

Meanwhile, Morgana goes on another adventure with her sister, meeting in the cave of doom. They small talk for a little bit, shoot the breeze, and then Morgause gives Morgana another mandrake for Uther. When she gets back to Camelot, a guard spots Morgana and sees the mandrake juice (which is a brown, gunky color) dripping from beneath her robe. He says, "You're bleeding." I don't know about you, but I thought blood was RED. This crap is BROWN. Pun possibly intended. Just sayin'. Anyway, he sees the mandrake and Morgana kills him. KILLS HIM! She has turned to the dark side! Arrrgh!

She gets back to her chambers and is a total butt to Gwen, which makes me mad, because even if she has turned to the dark side, I really thought that she actually cared for Gwen. I mean, come on (spoiler alert), she was so distraught when Gwen was captured by the naked-mole rat guy (no, not Ron Stoppable) in the episode of season 2, Lancelot and Guinivere.

We switch over to Morgause as she goes and pays a visit to the lovely (sarcasm) King Cedren, with whom she has some sort of a relationship, which I think is more than friends but less than lover. I dunno. She convinces him that Uther is madder than a hatter and tells him that Camelot will be weak. She convinces him to gather his army and mount an attack on Camelot. Uh-oh. This can't be good. According to Morgause, they have a traitor inside the castle (who could that be? It can't be Morgana, because Merlin trusts her, she says sarcastically) and that Camelot is "ripe for the picking." What does that even mean? Are there Camelot trees? Oh I wanna pick one! Wait, does that mean there are Narnia trees and Hogwarts trees and Middle Earth trees? And where can I find them?

Sorry. So switching scenes again. Uther and his court of peeps are discussing matters in the throne room when Uther has another weird experience. He starts freaking out and pointing at the empty doorway in front of him. No one is there...at least that Merlin, Arthur, Gaius, and the rest of the friends can see. Uther sees a little boy - a CREEPY little boy, like Tom Riddle from Harry Potter 6 creepy - dripping with water, staring creepily at Uther. Uther goes nuts, screaming at the poor kid, who was probably just trying to find his ghost mommy or was trying to catch his pet ghost dog named Zero. They (Arthur and a knight) drag Uther out of the throne room and everyone else is like...dude.

We find out afterwards that during the Great Purge, Uther drowned many people with magic, some of which - God bless their souls, as Gaius put it) - were children. Now that made me mad. I almost joined the dark side to off Uther then and there but then I remembered how adorable (albeit gullible) Merlin is and I changed my mind. Plus, if I joined the dark side, I wouldn't be able to live with myself. The dark side doesn't have ice cream - they just have cookies, and cookies aren't good enough. Ice cream is better.

Then they find the guard, who isn't dead! Yay! He's just severely injured from where Morgana stabbed him mercilessly in the gut. Sure was nice of her not to kill him. Oh wait. She sneaks into Gaius's chambers and poisons the guard - which leaves me wondering why on earth Gaius left a clearly marked bottle of poison right there in the open on the shelf for anyone to take. But that's okay. Whatever floats his boat. Seems kind of odd to me. Gaius and Merlin are bummed when they see that he is dead, because he could have told them who stabbed him.

Again with the heartlessness to random dudes that die. No "Oh, poor guy, he probably had a family, and a little girl who called him Papa and a little kitty named Mr. Fluffikins the Third." Nope, it's "Aw man, the dude is like dead and junk, so now we won't be able to get something from him. Darn it. Oh well, Merlin, can you go fetch me some gillyweed?"

So now it really starts to get juicy. Merlin is in Uther's chambers, alone, when he notices something brown dripping from under the bed, and he hears footsteps. So, for some reason, instead of staying where he was and explaining to whoever was coming, "I was just helping out our poor, sick, twisted, jerk-brained king by tidying his chambers and covering him up to his chin," he apparently decides that whoever is coming is going to kill him for being there, so he goes under the bed and sees the mandrake root. He is almost discovered when Morgana's hand reaches under the bed and yanks away the root, and then stalks out of the room like she has somewhere to be. Oh, and she's wearing the most gorgeous dress that I want so bad! It's purple and poofy and pretty!

Finally, Merlin gets suspicious (better late than never, I suppose), and decides to follow her. Which he does. He follows her all the way out of the castle and through Camelot. Just as she is about to enter the woods, she looks back, and Merlin hides behind something. After a few minutes, she resumes her stroll and Merlin can breathe again.

He follows her deep into the woods, where she meets with Morgause. The two siblings catch up, Morgause telling Morgana about how Cedren and his army are now in on the evil plot, and Morgana telling Morgause that the mandrake root is working like a charm. Morgause says that they are ready, and Morgana tells her that they are not quite ready. She says Merlin suspects her. Right here I was thinking - Merlin, get your butt out of here! If they find you, you'll be dead, and I don't want you to die! But no, he stays where he is.

Morgause says, "We must stop him." Morgana smirks (for like the billionth time) and says, "That shouldn't be too difficult." When Morgause wants to know why, Morgana says, "Because he's already here."

Here, I was like, darn. Merlin, you dweeb, I told you to run. Why does the TV/computer never listen to me? I DO know what I'm talking about once in a while!

Merlin pops up and faces them, which, again, doesn't seem like the smartest thing to do. He should have tried to sneak away. But alas, he decides to go all "Jack-In-The-Box" and drop in to say hello." Morgause looks shocked but Morgana just (three guesses on what she does) smirks and says, "Did you really think I was that stupid, Merlin?" Ohh, point for Morgana...although if I were Merlin, I would rack up some experience points and invest in a stalking upgrade. Just a thought.

And Merlin runs. Oh, I forgot to mention earlier, but Morgana and Morgause have two creepy, cloaked minion dudes that apparently do their bidding. Let's call them Thing 1 and Thing 2. When Merlin takes off, Thing 1 and Thing 2 chase after him. There's a quick, dramatic chase scene and then Merlin's world goes black.

Eeep!

Back in Camelot, Gaius approaches Arthur and tries to convince him that he needs to take over while his father is sick. Arthur does NOT like this idea at all. He thinks it is betraying his father, and he all but flat-out refuses. I feel sorry for the guy...he's having a rough time of it.

And now...back to Merlin. He wakes up, and he is chained up, lying on the ground, looking up at the sky and trees. He barely even has time to open his eyes when Thing 1 and Thing 2 show up and drag him over to Morgause. A nice little chat follows. Morgause wants to know what drives Merlin. He says he wants a free and just land. She says he's a liar. He says he told her the truth. And then she says, "You can take your secret to the grave." She then does a spell that magically strengthens the chains holding Merlin captive (which makes me wonder if she suspects he's an awesome magical guy of DOOM), and says something about how he shouldn't have tried to poison Morgana, yada yada yada.

They leave. They just...leave. And Merlin is all alone, chained up in the forest. Yipes! This can't bode well for him! Meanwhile, Gaius goes to wake Merlin up...and finds that he is nowhere to be found. And his bed is made. Honestly, I think this would be more frightening than a missing Merlin. I mean, a teenage boy MAKING HIS BED? What, are we in the Twilight Zone (and NO, this doesn't involve a sparkle-man named Eddie) now? Geez.

Back to Merlin the Adorable. He is trying to break free of his bonds using magic, but it won't work. Well DUH! What did you think Morgause was doing with the chains, singing them a lullaby so they could get a good nighty night of sleep? Come on! She was putting a spell on them! Merlin hears something crumbling - a rock! - and he knows that he is not alone. Dun Dun Dun!

Gaius (yes, back to Camelot again, I'm getting dizzy from all the traveling and I think I have jet lag) goes to Morgana's chambers and finds Gwen, asking her if she has seen Merlin. Morgana comes in, wanting to know if there is a problem. When Gaius admits that he never came home last night (uh, HELLO, and his BED was MADE!), Morgana acts worried. Liar, liar, pretty purple dress on fire! No, seriously, it is, Morgana - STOP DROP AND ROLL! Just kidding.

Merlin again (oi, my head hurts). He tries to get free but he can't (uh, haven't we established that the chains are magically enforced?). And then...giant scorpions of DOOM surround him (I think the actual name is Serket but I like my terminology better). Of doom makes everything cooler. He's looking pretty scared. Don't blame him.

Back to Camelot. Arthur is on the verge of tears (poor guy) at his father's bedside. Morgana comes up beside him and he says, "I need him to get better." Although this broke my heart, it also made me think about the poor guy Morgana stabbed and how no one stood at his bedside as he was dying and said, "I need him to get better." No, they just said, "I need him to get better so he can give me valuable information. After that, who cares?" Meanies. Morgana says, "I know." I want to smack her pale face! She is such a brat! Grrrr...She says something about making sure he's taken care of and then she...smirks. Wow. Big surprise.

Merlin! He uses magic to blow a few of the Serkets back. Just as he is about to try again, one of them lashes out with its giant tail and stings him. I almost screamed here. Poor guy doubles over in pain. NO! MERLIN, YOU MUST LIVE! And...and then...he uses his awesome Dragon Lord of Doom powers to call the Great Dragon. Woot woot! There's my powerful wizard! Uh, and then, he, er, passes out. But it's okay. He's still ultra-powerful. Just a bit out of commission.

We switch to Cedren's army amassing near Camelot (random tidbit: the same technology used for the armies in Lord of the Rings was used in this sequence. I can't remember where I heard that, but I thought it was cool.).

Back to Merlin again! Woohoo! It's dark now, and for some reason the scorpions have just been sitting around, waiting for their pizza or something (or maybe Chinese food; do Serkets eat sushi?), and are just now advancing. Merlin is awake, but in a desperate situation. He is about to die when the Great Dragon swoops in, kicks some serious Serket butt, and flies off with Merlin in his clutches.

 **Burn Meter 5000:**  
This Episode: Arthur 7, Merlin 6  
Total: 7, Merlin 6

 **Shirtless Arthur Scenes:**  
This episode: 1  
Total: 1

 **Smirk-O-Meter:**  
This Episode: 8  
Total: 8


	2. The Tears of Uther Pendragon: Part 2

So apparently, Uther's tears have a part two. The guy must be REALLY upset. I swear, I'm trying my hardest to feel sorry for him, but it hurts my spleen so I think I'm going to stop. He's an annoying jerk-booger of DOOM anyway, remember?

Alright, so the last episode left us at a ridiculously suspenseful cliffhanger. Merlin was being carted away by the Great Dragon (and I've been thinking, "great" is not the coolest adjective out there. If I were Kilgharra, I'd make my title be something rockin' like "The Existential Dragon," "The Dragonator," "Dragon Almighty," "The Awkward Yet Still Totally Loveable Dragon," or "Bob."). Before the actual episode begins, however, we are given a quick rundown on what happened last week. It kind of made me think of a soap opera. You know, with the whole  _Previously…on Merlin_  thing. Heh. It could be called "As the Sorcerer Sweats," "General Court Physician," or even "All My Children That I Don't Have Anymore Because Uther Killed Them All Because They Could Turn A Mouse Into A Weevil And What The Heck Is A Weevil Anyway?". Just some ideas for if BBC ever decides to seriously turn Merlin into a soap opera.

Back to what previously happened on Merlin:

First someone stumbles from out of the mist-sodden woods. Remember, sadly it wasn't the Kraken, but it _was_ Morgana, so it's kind of the same thing but not as cool. Arthur stares at her like he's seen a ghost (but I think it has more to do with the fact that she has some kind of black junk stuck between her two front teeth). By the way, if you turned on the episode to check and see if there really was something between her teeth, you may need to think about joining my "I need to stop being so gullible" support group. The members right now are Merlin and whoever actually believed what I just said. And NO, you can't pretend to be gullible just to get into the group meetings with Merlin.  _I'm_ not the one who's gullible here, remember?

Anyway….more than likely, Arthur is shocked because Morgana has been missing for a year and now she suddenly, conveniently stumbles out of the woods RIGHT where Arthur and his men are. Okay, scootch over guys, Arthur's going to join the support group. There's a dramatic flash and we see Morgana telling Merlin that she regrets everything (remember, and then they went to Taco Bell?). We then see a pretty killer montage, and in a mere 45 seconds we are reminded of the mandrakes power to turn the unconscious into the very image of fear and that Uther is now crazy (um, crazi _er_ ), and that Cenred is planning on attacking Camelot since Uther's doped up on mandrake juice and out of commission. We see Merlin being stung by the Serket (which stands for Super Enormous Radical Killer E T or giant evil scorpion OF DOOM!) and calling on the Existential Dragon. Then the Awkward Yet Still Totally Loveable Dragon swoops down and carries Merlin away.

And THAT, my friends, is what previously happened on Merlin..cut the title sequence.

Alright class, we are done reviewing what we learned last week, so we will now move on to some new material. And make sure you take notes, because you will more than likely have a pop quiz tomorrow.

The episode starts with Merlin waking up on a mountain/cliff thing of…hmmm…not doom, but close. Oh I know! A mountain/cliff thing of potential danger with the Dragon Almighty looking over him—who, I just found out, is Mr. Ollivander in the Harry Potter movies! Eeep! Merlin says, "I didn't think you'd answer my call."

Awww, poor Merlin. But as bad as Merlin must be feeling right now, think about how Bob must be reacting. His master, his Dragon Lord, has no faith in him. He believed that the Dragonator would have really ignored his call and left him for dead. Oh, how much that mistrust must have hurt! Oh wait (spoiler alert)…Kilgharra  _did_  try to roast Merlin and all of his friends in the last episode of season 2. Maybe Merlin  _did_ have a reason to doubt the dragon's loyalty. Hmm.

The dragon reminds Merlin that he cannot resist a Dragon Lord, even if he wanted to. So he just helped Merlin out of obligation. I see how it is. Or maybe not. Think about it: all Kilgharra had to do was get Merlin the heck outta there! He didn't have to stay by his side until he woke up. He didn't have to give him advice or try to help him. I think his sudden change of heart has a lot to do with Merlin's sparing him, the last of his kind, in the last season. Still, though…the shift in loyalties was kind of sudden. I can't help but wonder if it's going to come back and bite Merlin in the butt.

Merlin offers his thanks and tries to sit up but is overtaken by a terrible burst of pain. The look of agony on his face was worse than the one on mine when I read the ending of the fifth Harry Potter book, and that's saying something (not because the book was bad, but because it was so, so sad)! The pitiful "O-o-o-w," broke my heart. It was hard to see Merlin in so much pain. He's just such a loveable sweetie, who would want to hurt him? I mean, seriously…he's like a kitten…or a penguin…just an extra-awesome one that can do magic and make lots and lots of enemies by standing up for what is right.

We find out that Kilgharra has done even MORE for Merlin—he gave him an Enchantment to help him heal. I found the phrasing of this kind of odd. "I gave you an enchantment to help you heal." It sounds like something my doctor would say after prescribing me a laxative or something. "I gave you a laxative to help you…" Well, you get the picture. The Dragon Almighty says that the Serket's poison is powerful, even for Merlin's great power. (Hear that, Team Arthur? Merlin is POWERFUL and GREAT! Arthur's just…bare-chested. So ha.) Merlin will be fine, but the enchantment will take time (unlike that laxative we were talking about earlier). Dr. Dragon prescribes REST.

Meanwhile, Arthur bursts into Gaius's chambers (without knocking, I might add), and the pratly prince does _not_ look happy. He demands to know where that "half-wit" went. Just so you know, I'm not counting any "burns" that aren't actually directed at the other person. So, while the half-wit comment is definitely worthy of the Burn Meter 5000, Arthur was talking  _about_  Merlin, not  _to_  him. So the score is still 7-6. Thought I'd clarify real quick.

Gaius looks surprised and says, "I thought he was with you."

*cough* Really? Seriously? Gaius, you thought Merlin stayed with Arthur all night? What were they doing, having a sleepover? Oooh, I bet they did each other's hair and makeup and told scary stories and talked about teeny-bopper vampire stories. Maybe they even watched a chick-flick (I've heart Letters to Juliet was pretty sweet/sappy)!

Uh, no, Gaius. Why on  _earth_  would Merlin stay the night with Arthur. And just so you all know, I'm not a slash fan, so I'm not going to get into the other realm of possibilities that some people may be thinking of. Sorry.

But really, you would think that Gaius would know that Merlin's not going to stay in the prince's chambers. It's common sense.

Arthur gets all up in Gaius's face and warns him that he'd better not be covering for Merlin because apparently, Arthur has "no socks, no breeches, and an archery lesson!" Aw, poor Arthur, can't even put his pants on by himself. Just kidding. I don't hate Arthur. Honestly, I quite like him…when he isn't being a prat. And I think the whole Merlin/Arthur friendship dynamic is wonderful. But I'm getting off topic here. He then tells Gaius that when he sees Merlin, to let him know that  _he_  is the target. Wow. Harsh.

We change scenes, and see Morgana walking (or rather, what's the word, um, striding!) down the halls of Camelot in the dark. She uses a torch and some straw to make a kind of medieval smoke bomb-thing of doom, which gets the guards away from Uther's room. She goes in and finds Uther lying on his bed, shaking. I almost feel sorry for him, but then I remember the ghost boy and the sympathy's gone. Poof. Just like that. Morgana gives Uther some  _really_ nasty looks as she takes the mandrake and for some reason wraps it up in some kind of twine. This makes the mandrake shriek (don't tie it so tight, Morgana, geez—you're hurting the poor root!), and Uther whimpers. Again, my sympathy flares but then the ghost kid makes another appearance in my brain and I'm back to being stoic.

It's almost as if the root's cry woke Merlin up, because his eyes snap open. He is still on the mountain, and Kilgharra is still looming over him like the Dragon Almighty that he is. Merlin manages to push himself up and tell the dragon that he shouldn't have let him sleep. Hm. Let's think about this, Merlin. You were obviously dying from the Serket's poison. Sounds to me like it was either let you die or let you sleep. I don't know about you, but I'd prefer the last one. Less final and doom-ish that way.

The Awkward Yet Still Totally Loveable Dragon reminds Merlin that he had had no choice but to let him sleep because Merlin had to sleep off the effects of the poison. Merlin clambers to his feet and says that he has to get to Camelot because the kingdom is in danger and it is all his fault.

Hold on. Can we back it up just a little bit. How in the world is Morgana and Morgause's evil plan in any form or fashion  _Merlin's_ fault? I mean, unless I missed an episode somewhere, Merlin didn't exactly go up to Morgana and say, "Hey, Morgie, I gots a proposition for ya. Hows about you team up with your sadistic half sister and make up some elaborate scheme so that I'll have something to do with my magic tryna foil your plot? Capuche?" No, he didn't – and don't ask me when Merlin joined the Mafia because I have no idea. It just fit in the context, okay? Geez.

Oh, but wait! If I had taken a breath of air and a few seconds before I started sarcastically berating my favorite wizard, I would have seen that he offers an explanation for why the fall of Camelot is his fault. Apparently, he should have listen to the Dragonator. He should never have trusted Morgana. Uh…wow. That's really stretching it, isn't it, Merlin? I mean, come on, Voldemort shouldn't have trusted Snape, but Voldie's downfall was hardly Severus's fault…okay, okay, so it was in that scenario, but that's not a good example. That's not the rule, it's the exception. Regardless, what I'm trying to point out is that, no, he shouldn't have trusted Morgana (I need to stop being so gullible support group, remember? He's working on it.), but that hardly makes her evil schemes _Merlin's_ fault.

The dragon goes on to say that Merlin did what he thought was right, and that shows great courage. Wow, Bob sure has had a pretty massive character change. I mean, just last season he was trying to kill Merlin for doing what he thought was right. Maybe he went on some self-discovery journey or something in between seasons two and three, because this is a pretty drastic difference. Who knows? Kilgharra then says some pretty wise-sounding stuff, something about trust being a double-edged sword, and that Merlin's determination to see good in people would be his undoing.

Uh-oh. I'm a nice person. I have a genuine desire to see the good in people. Does that mean that  _I_ am going to be undone? I don't even know what being undone would consist of, but I don't exactly like the sound of it! I'd better start suspecting everyone in my path of being evil; that way, I won't be trying to see the good in them and I won't be undone! Ha, take that fate/destiny! You've been SERVED!

Merlin says that he thought that because Morgana had magic that they were the same. This is kind of a drastic stereotyping, like saying that Harry and Voldemort are the same because they are both wizards, or that Uther Pendragon and Jiles (from Buffy) are the same because they are both played by Anthony Head. Having magic doesn't mean people are the same. I mean, come on, Merlin—haven't most of the baddies you've faced in the first two series been magical? And you didn't think you were like  _them_  did you?

Then again, he thought Morgana was a friend, so I can understand that to a certain extent. And then the dragon totally tries to discredit everything I just said by saying that they are alike in some ways, in which Merlin immediately echoes what I'm thinking and says that he is nothing like her. Heck, yeah, that's what I'm saying! But the dragon just says something about how their destinies are now intertwined and that Morgana is the darkness to his light, the hatred to his love. Which doesn't make sense, because he is now saying they are complete opposites and not ten seconds ago he was acting like they aren't all that different. Make up your mind, Kilgharra! Goodness, you change your mind like a girl changes clothes. I can't believe I just quoted a Katie Perry song…I can't stand her music. Anywho…

Merlin doesn't really pay too much attention to the dragon's words (unlike I did, and look where it's got me: I've already found a way around my undoing) because he is so focused on getting back to Camelot, so he brushes of Dragon Almighty's words of caution and says that he has to get back to Camelot because he is the only one who knows of Morgana and Morgause's plot. Oh! Idea! Since both of their names start with M, I'm going to start calling our evil sister duo M&M. And no, not like the candy. Or the rapper. Get it straight people. Morgana & Morgause. M&M. Man, I'm clever!

So Merlin's the only one who knows about M&M's plan. Because of this, he wants to catch the first train out of the middle of nowhere and get back to the kingdom. But Kilgharra is a bubble-burster and wastes no time saying, "You're not yet fully recovered, Merlin." And then he adds that Camelot is a three day walk from where they are now.

Merlin gives the dragon a sly look and says, "I have no intention of walking."

Oooh! How's he going to get to Camelot? Roller skates? Stilts? A pogo stick? Unicycle? A roller-skating pogo stick wearing stilts on a unicycle? He's living the DREAM, baby!

Well, turns out I was wrong. He's  _not_ riding a roller-skating pogo stick wearing stilts on a unicycle. But what he _did_ have in mind was pretty awesome as well. He rides the Existential Dragon! This scene is so cute and funny. Merlin looks like Harry Potter did in the third Harry Potter movie when he was riding Buckbeak, the Hippogriff, with his arms spread out and yelling into the wind. It was great. I was happy, because it's about time Merlin had a bit of fun. Although, as a person who is deathly afraid of heights, riding on the back of a dragon way up in the sky that was just trying to kill me a year ago isn't exactly my idea of a good time. (Actually, I'm a nerd, so a good time in my mind is either curling up with a good book, writing a story, or watching Merlin.) But to each his own.

The dragon flies Merlin relatively close to Camelot, but he obviously can't drop him off right in the city. That might cause a fright. "Hey, everybody, look who I found? Isn't he cute? Can we keep him?"

And then Uther, if he were in his right mind, would turn into the Queen of Hearts from Alice in Wonderland and yell, "Off with his head!"

Anyway…Merlin thanks the dragon for his help and promises that he will never forget this. If I were you, Merlin, I would, because now you and the dragon are even. He could turn on you at any time now because he's repaid the debt for sparing his life by saving yours. Get off that reptile and run before he can say, "Oh, yeah, we're even buddy. So watch your back."

Thankfully, this conversation doesn't actually happen (well, it does, but only in my mind) and all Kilgharra has to say is that Merlin needs to be careful and strong. The fate of Camelot, Arthur, and the future of Albian all rest in Merlin's hands. But no pressure, right? That's enough responsibility to stress anyone to the point of madness, don't you think? Man, and I thought getting my homework done was a lot on my plate!

Next thing we know, Merlin is hurrying into Gaius's chambers and waking up the court physician who looks shocked to see Merlin and demands to know where he's been. And Merlin gives a cocky grin and says, "I just flew in from a mountain three-days walk from here, and boy are my arms tired." Okay, he doesn't say that, but that would've been too funny! Right? Right? *crickets chirp* Humph. Tough crowd.

Merlin gives Gaius a quick and very vague rundown on what is going on with M&M, saying that he needs to show Gaius something. I thought he was going to take off his shirt and show Gaius where the Serket stung him, but *defeated sigh* alas, no such luck. Instead, he takes Gaius to Uther's chambers where everything is an absolute wreck. Uther is nowhere to be seen. I found myself hoping that maybe some sort of fairy godmother granted my wish and made the jerk-menace of DOOM disappear, but again, no luck.

Merlin tells Gaius about the mandrake root and shows it to Gaius, pulling it out from under the bed. They find Uther cowering in a corner of the room, terrified beyond words. I nearly screamed when I saw what Uther was looking at—a whole  _slew_ of ghost children surrounding the dripping form of his dead wife. Okay, now I feel just a smidge sorry for him…then again, it was Uther who killed these innocent children in the first place, so never mind…sympathetic feeling's gone.

Merlin, being the awesome warlock that he is, grabs the mandrake root and tosses it into the fire, where it burns and screams again. That poor root has it rough. Uther shudders again, and Gaius tells him that he was under an enchantment and that everything is okay and gives him something to drink. It doesn't seem as if Uther is actually comprehending anything that is going on, however. He's just kind of staring, glassy-eyed, into space. I can't say I exactly blame him, because if a ton of ghost kids invaded my private sleeping chambers, I'd be a tad freaked out, too.

Later on, Merlin says that they have to tell Uther what M&M are plotting, but Gaius says that they can't—that Uther will chop off both of their heads for making such accusations, especially without proof. Merlin says that they can't let them get away with it. But Gaius claims that Merlin must keep a close eye on Morgana because she will try again, but that they cannot say anything yet because they have no proof and going to Uther with this now would be akin to suicide. That's comforting.

RANDOM CIVILLIAN: Sire, I'm extremely concerned about the welfare of your kingdom. I fear that it is in danger…  
UTHER: Lies, all lies! Off with his head!  
RANDOM CIVILLIAN: *screams and dies*

Not a fun scenario, right?

I laughed at one point when Gaius said, "Besides, the root is gone now. It can do no more harm." Oh, Gaius, Gaius, Gaius. Either you are extremely dull, naïve, or you just love tempting fate. Seriously. Do you  _really_ think that the mandrake was all M&M have planned? I thought you were supposed to be the wise old man that helps Merlin out on his various magical adventures. Yet here you are, assuring Merlin that no more harm can be done, when Merlin has actually seen and heard M&M talk about their plans to team up with Cenred and take over Camelot. Goodness, Gaius. Go take a nap or eat some chocolate or something. You need to WAKE UP and get your supposed smart rear in gear, or else  _you'll_ be the newest inductee into the I need to stop being so gullible support group…and trust me, the initiation is both grueling and embarrassing…not something an old clodhopper like yourself would actually enjoy doing. So step it up, or I'll have to get out my vat of chicken feathers!

Merlin, being the smart little booger that he sometimes is (and sometimes couldn't be further from) points out to Gaius that he heard the two M's and he is sure there is more to the plan. You tell him, buddy-boy! With the both of us telling him off, there's no way he can resist our amazing rhetorical, mind-bending, assertive powers…(you guessed it) OF DOOM! Can I get a "woot woot"?

So we switch scenes and now Morgause is looking into her…erm…magic crystals that allow her to spy on people (it kind of makes me think of Google Earth but creepier), and she is watching Cenred's massive army of doom as it draws closer to Camelot. Yikes, this  _can't_ be good! Apparently, she isn't the only one who is watching them, though, because some scouts from Camelot (Sir Leon among them, yeah!) are looking down on them from a hill (they aren't looking in magic crystals). They do  _not_ look happy about the ginormous army that is headed their way—Sir Leon looks like he's about to be sick, and we all know what a brave and fearless dude he is! Then the scouts turn around and head back to Camelot, where, even though they did not show it, I am sure they reported to King Uther what they saw. Oh wait…Uther's a psycho-ward patient. Never mind. I guess they'll tell Arthur since he's kind of been inducted into the throne until Daddy Pendragon gets better. And again, we switch scenes.

Ha ha…this next scene is great. Grab your tally sheets, I think we are going to have to keep track of some burn points soon. Yay! And the competition ensues!

Merlin throws open the curtains in Arthur's room to wake the princely prat up and sees what a terrible state of messiness the room is in. Eyes wide, he demands to the sleepy (and shirtless, another shirtless scene) prince to know what happens. Arthur says that he's had to go without a servant, that's what. Merlin replies incredulously, "I wasn't gone for  _that_ long."

Arthur quickly points out, "Without my permission?" Aw, come on, Arthur, don't be so hard on the poor kid. If you only knew half of what he's been through the past few days…knocked out, chained up, interrogated, stung by a giant scorpion of DOOM, left for dead, rescued by the dragon that you think you killed last season but you didn't because Merlin is awesome and never gets any credit for his many good deeds, being sick and dying from the sting, and sleeping off the ill effects. Come on, Arthur! Give the guy a break! He's been through hell and back these past few days. You should cut him some slack. (Also, look at that face! How can you stay mad at that puppy dog face?) I know I can't!

Merlin shoots back, "What if I was dying?" Yeah, good point, Merlin! Wait…didn't I  _just_ make that point, but with a lot more words? Merlin, I love you kid, but you need to stop copying me. Okay?

And the conversation continues like this:

ARTHUR: I wouldn't be complaining! (point Arthur, even if that was REALLY mean and uncalled for and Merlin looks really hurt and I want to punch Arthur's face for making Merlin look that taken aback) But you're not, so where have you been? (Uh, Arthur…he WAS dying!)  
MERLIN: I was dying. (Merlin, that's what I just said. Remember, come up with your own dialogue and don't copy me, okay?)  
ARTHUR: I don't have time for this. The future of the kingdom lies on my shoulders! Do you have  _any_ idea what that feels like? (Uh, yeah, Arthur, I think he does. Didn't the dragon just tell him that his destiny, your destiny, and the future of Albian rest in Merlin's hands? I think he knows how you feel and  _then some_! You've not got someone bearing down on you all the time, bub!)  
MERLIN: Well-  
ARTHUR: Merlin. I should have you thrown in the dungeons, so what do you have to say for yourself? (Wow, Arthur, you're in a foul mood this morning, aren't you?)  
MERLIN: (gives Arthur a look) You've not had your breakfast this morning, have you? (ooh, point Merlin!)  
ARTHUR: I'll have  _you_ for breakfast! (picks up a tin cup and hurls it at Merlin. Wow. Point Arthur)  
MERLIN: No wonder this room is such a mess! (Woohoo, Merlin gets a point! Zippity doo dah!)  
ARTHUR: (throws something else at Merlin)  
MERLIN: (voice dripping with sarcasm) Oh yes, I can see you have the makings of a great king! (ooh, burn! The Burn Meter 5000 is going haywire from all the smart remarks! Go Merlin, you rule! Point Merlin!)  
ARTHUR: (Throws something else at Merlin, who finally decides to bow out before he really gets in trouble.)

Needless to say, after this scene, Arthur looks like he is feeling much better and relaxed. Ah, yes, nothing makes me feel wonderful like hurling breakable objects across my bedroom at the one person who has saved my life countless times and is undoubtedly the best and most loyal friend I've ever had who just got back from being knocked out, chained up, interrogated, stung by a giant scorpion of DOOM, left for dead, rescued by the dragon that you think you killed last season but you didn't because Merlin is awesome and never gets any credit for his many good deeds, being sick and nearly dying from the sting, and sleeping off the ill effects. Way to go, buddy. Way to go (that was sarcasm, by the way, in case it wasn't obvious enough).

The scene changes, and Morgana is staring out of her window, while Gwen asks her if she should clear away the dishes or feet Morgana's pet spider monkey or something. I wasn't really paying attention, because as soon as Morgana showed her face on the screen, I started chucking stuff at her head because she is a lying, two-faced she witch of DOOM! What's sad is I used to love her character…you know, back when she had a soul.

Morgana keeps staring out the window and I find myself wondering, "What in the world is that girl staring at?" Have you ever noticed that, by the way? This is a bit off topic, but if someone is staring at something, and they keep staring, even when you don't know what it is, everyone else will start staring, too, to try to figure out what the heck it is that's so interesting. I've actually done that on purpose before, just for kicks. I was with a bunch of friends in the cafeteria and I stared at the top corner of the ceiling where two walls met. I kept staring until a bunch of people were looking with me. When they were focused on trying to figure out what it was I was gawking at, I screamed, "OH MY GOSH, IT MOVED!" They all jumped, and it was funny.

Sorry, went off on a little rabbit trail there…

So we get to see what Morgana was looking at—Merlin and Arthur strutting down the street like they're all that and a bag of chips—which they are, especially Merlin. Merlin's all that, and Arthur is the bag of chips. Sorry, Team Arthur. That's just the way Team Merlin rolls.

Just kidding. Seriously, I do love Arthur. But not as much as I love Merlin. I think it's his ears…or his smile…or that laugh…uh, wait, what was I talking about?

Anyway, Morgana is looking (or more accurately,  _glaring_ ) out of her window and Gwen says, "My Lady?" again to get her attention. Morgana turns around, puts on a stupid smile and says, "I was just thinking about what to wear."

LIAR!

You  _so_ were not thinking about what to wear—unless you were trying to decide what to wear when you murder Merlin for escaping and foiling your evil little plan  _and_ your evil little plant! He got you, my pretty, and your little plant too!

Eh. Back to the episode. Morgana looks out the window again, positively glowering, and says, "I must dress." As she walks out of the room, Gwen looks after her, and she looks troubled. Maybe even suspicious. Come on, Gwen, you need to slap some sense into that naughty word! She's gone to the dark side and didn't even ask if you wanted to join! You can't let that go unpunished! It's not right, I tell you. Blasphemy!

Morgana goes to Uther's chambers, where she looks under the bed. She does NOT look happy when she sees that her precious root is gone. Ha, I half expected her to start rocking back and forth saying, "The precious…those nasty wizardses takes the precious from us…we will get the precious…My precious…"

Sadly, she doesn't, but that would have been freakin' amazing! Morgollum. Hehe. If you have grown up in a cave deep beneath the Atlantic Ocean and don't know what I'm referring to, please, for the love of all that is decent, go rent Lord of the Rings or check the book out from the library.

And then…enter Gaius. Whoo!

After helping Merlin destroy the mandrake root and learning of Morgana's evil plan, one can only assume that when Gaius sees Morgana on her hands and knees, peering under Uther's bed, that she is being a kind old soul and making sure the Boogey Man isn't under Uther's bed. Next she'll probably check the closet and his underwear drawer, too. No? Well, I guess she  _could_ be seeing if Merlin took the root.

Gaius wants to know if she's lost something, and she says she's looking for her earring. Ah, of course! Her earring! See, I knew she had a perfectly reasonable explanation! Who am I kidding? Evil lying she-witch! Kill her, Gaius! Either that, or put her in an anger management class where they'll make her write, "I will not kill my guardian and leave poor, innocent, adorable servants named Merlin to be killed by ferocious giant scorpions OF DOOM!" five thousand times, or write a paper on the history of the platypus. Either one.

Again, with the digressing. Geez, I need to pick up the pace!

Okay, so Morgana and Gaius have a chat about how Uther is doing and how he's been enchanted but the source of the spell is gone so he'll make a full recovery, bla bla bla, and Morgana does a terrible job at pretending to care. It's pathetic. I'm sorry, I love Katie McGrath and she's a great actress, but Morgana is NOT.

And she makes an evil mad face at Gaius's retreating back.

At which point I would like to take a few moments and compose a letter to Morgana.

_Dear Morgana,_

_We get it. You are evil. We've known that ever since you plotted to kill Uther. Do you honestly think you need to remind us over and over and over and over again that you are an evil lying she-witch of doom? NO. It's repetitive, it's cliché, and it's stupid. If I see one more evil smirk on that pretty little face of yours, I will personally go to Camelot and pull it right off (your smirk, not your face…then again, if it would stop you from smirking…)! And we KNOW that you have a good evil smirk. We know that you can look evil. We get it. We get the message that you are evil every single stinking time that you do something bad. It's NOT news to us! So help me, I will NOT put up with your crap any longer, Morgana. Heed my words: smirks are for jerks._

_Have a sun-shiney day!_

_Emachinescat_

Whew. Glad I got that off my chest. Back to the plot.

Merlin is walking down the hallway, when all of a sudden a hand reaches out and pulls him into a deserted hallway. Ahhh! Demon-hand! Run for your LIVES!

Oh wait, it's Morgana's hand. Which means…Demon-hand! Run for your LIVES!

Morgana threatens Merlin and says that he'd better not tell anyone what he saw, or she'll tell Uther that he tried to poison her. Uh, here's an idea: if you need Merlin out of the way so badly, why blackmail him? Tell the king that he flipping tried to kill you. It makes SENSE. Then again, if that happened, Uther would kill Merlin, and the show would end, and I would be very angry and go on a killing spree. So never mind. Continue with your plans, Morgana. Do whatever senseless things you evil smirkers do.

Oh look. She smirks as she walks away, leaving Merlin in that corridor with her threat looming over his head.

Now we're in the battle planning room or whatever it's called with Arthur, Merlin, Morgana, Gaius, Sir Leon, and some knights that must not be important because we don't know their names. They are trying to figure out what to do about the massive army that is coming to take Camelot. Since Uther is out of commission, everyone is looking to Arthur for what to do. All the while, Merlin glares at Morgana, and Morgana smirks at Merlin. It's so cute—they are SO flirting. Ask Morgana, she'll tell you—she thinks that Merlin is a stud muffin.

Arthur finally comes to a decision—they have to prepare the city for siege. YAY, SIEGE TIME! Bring on the giant elephants and enormous catapults of DOOM. Okay, I doubt there will be any elephants. I guess I still have Lord of the Rings on my mind. But there should be catapults. There HAVE to be.

Later, Merlin and Arthur are walking and Merlin comments on how impressed he is at Arthur's decision. He knows it was a tough one, and that a lot of people could die, and just keeps rambling, which apparently, Arthur doesn't actually enjoy at the moment. Oh and Merlin said something about catapults! Yay, catapults!

Their conversation goes thusly:

ARTHUR: You know what?  
MERLIN: What?  
ARTHUR: I'd really prefer it if you just kept quiet during these situations.  
MERLIN: I am just trying to help. (You tell him, Merlin!)  
ARTHUR: Well, you're not. (That was mean, but I gotta do what I gotta do. Point to Prat—I mean Arthur.)  
MERLIN: I know you don't mean that. You're just worried. (Aww…Merlin is such a sweetheart! Can we give him a billion points for sweetness? He is so understanding! Even when Arthur is being a jerk and hurting his feelings, he's so understanding. Awww!) You don't need to be. Look what we've got.  
ARTHUR: What?  
MERLIN: You. … Me.  
ARTHUR: Merlin, what exactly are you going to do?  
MERLIN: I'm going to be by your side, like I always am, protecting you. (DAWWWW! Again with the sweetness! And you're darn right he will! Merlin's got mad skills, yo!)  
ARTHUR: God help me. (Okay, so that was kind of funny, I have to admit, even though Arthur's ungrateful butt should have been GRATEFUL. Point Arthur!)

How can you NOT love those two? I think I'm going to create, and then join, a new team: Team Merlin and Arthur Best Friends Forever. Yay, I'm on two teams! I'm a playa!

Morgause and Cenred have a quick but suggestive conversation about how she will not be disappointed, and how she will be the judge of that when he delivers, and if he does deliver, she'll treat him to a feast he'll never forget…uh, wow. I'm not even going to go there. My mind is going to stay out of the gutter. Let's just say they're talking about…squirrels. Yea! Squirrels are cool…anyway, AWKWARD…

The next scene is A-MAZ-ING!

Gwen comes to see Arthur in his chambers which are dark for some reason (I know, for romantic effect, right? Right?) and gives him words of encouragement, telling him that everyone is glad that he's stepped up to the plate and all that jazz. And then…He holds her hand! I did a total squee there and was nearly bouncing up and down, on the verge of yelling, "KISS HER, YOU FOOL!" Sadly, he doesn't, but when she leaves, he watches her wistfully. I guess that's better than nothing. Wistful watching is not quite kissing, but maybe they'll stop being babies about their relationship soon. They'd better, or I'll be writing a scathing letter to both of them—and you know how scathing I can be. Morgana's  _still_ bawling over the letter I sent her. Goodness, these evil wards of the king, they're so emotional. Such divas. Ppphhht.

While the people are gathering supplies in the castle, preparing for siege, Morgana is looking on, smirking. You know what? I give up. You can smirk all you want, Morgana, but when you get busted because you can't stop showing your giddiness over the evil things you're planning, don't come crying to me.

Then she takes it to the next level. She puts her cloak over her head and stalks out of the castle into the night. "La-de-da-de-da, I'm just going to prance around with my bright red cloak on and do whatever the heck I want, because as long as my cloak is on, no one can see me." Uh, it's NOT an invisibility cloak, Morgana. Oi.

So she goes to meet Morgause in the woods. M&M are at it again. Morgana is on the verge of tears and she tells Morgause everything that happened. Morgause assures her that everything will be okay, as long as Morgana plays her part. And for a second—a split second—Morgana looked hesitant, as if not sure she wants to go through with whatever it is Morgause wants her to do.

Dude, why couldn't you have shown this side of you when you were letting your would-be friend get killed by scorpions? Seriously. Morgana is such a naughty word. Geez.

But then she smirks and her humanity flees. Should have known her hesitation wouldn't last. Morgause gives her a tree-staff of doom that she is to use to help defeat Camelot from the inside. She doesn't tell us exactly what it does, but it can't be good. I have a feeling we'll be seeing that staff again, and it won't be to our favor.

Back to Camelot, where Merlin is busy collecting food for Arthur for during the siege. Arthur sarcastically points out that it's a siege, not a banquet. Point Arthur. Merlin says, "You know what you're like without food." Point Merlin. And then Merlin says, "I have your favorite…pickled eggs." This had to be a joke, because the repulsed look on Arthur's face was gold. Point Merlin.

The city continues to get ready for siege, but it's not excessively interesting.

Arthur goes to sit at his dad's bedside again before Cenred's army arrives. Merlin comes in and whispers, "Sire." Again with the sweetness! Merlin doesn't want to disturb Arthur's moment with his father. There is a really touching scene where Merlin looks away while Arthur promises his unconscious father, "I will not let you down."

Merlin and Arthur go to the wall of the castle and see the massive army waiting for them. Yikes.

As Merlin helps get Arthur ready for battle, the following conversation ensues (and yes, I know that I'm doing a lot of direct scenes, but this episode is so full of great moments!

ARTHUR: (sarcastically) It's not like you to get nervous, is it, Merlin? (oh, point Arthur)  
MERLIN: I'm not nervous.  
ARTHUR: No?  
MERLIN: Because I trust in your destiny. (Right here I was saying, come on Merlin, just tell him already! I want him to know your secret! But of course, they have to drag it out as long as they possibly can. Jerks.)  
ARTHUR: Have you been on the cider? (Oh, that's great, point Arthur, ha!)  
MERLIN: (pulls out Arthur's sword, looks at it and looks all noble and awesome) It is your fate to be the greatest king Camelot has ever known. (Squee, just tell him already, Merlin!) Your victory today will be remembered by every age until the end of time. (Hands Arthur his sword.) Just trust in yourself. (okay, this is so cool—Merlin is doing what everyone knows Merlin for doing—advising Arthur, even mentoring him, right now! Su-WEET! Then he nods, still looking all noble, wise, and mysterious, and turns away to do something else.)  
ARTHUR: There are times, Merlin, when you display…a sort of…I don't know what it is, um…I want to say…it's not wisdom. But, yes, that's what it is. (Oh my gosh, SO sweet! Why won't you two just admit that you're BFFs already? Golly, this is swell!) Don't look so pleased, the rest of the time you're a complete idiot. (Point Arthur…burn!)

And Merlin just smiles. Awwww!

There's a cool bit where Arthur walks among his knights and shakes some of their hands. He then puts his sword in his hand and says, "For the land of Camelot!" After which, paused the show, put my Nerf sword in the air and yelled, "FOR NARNIA!" because Arthur reminded me SO much of Peter before the battle with the White Witch.

Onto the battle! There are catapults, and they're hurling some kind of giant flaming rocks at the walls of Camelot! Yipes! I'm not going to go into the details of the battle, because it will go on all day long. Basically, they fight.

Uther, hearing the noise, wakes up and jumps out of bed (he's wearing a nightgown, teehee), and a few minutes later, he's decked out in full chainmail and armor, and joining the fray. Some knights see him and try to keep him from joining the battle, but he pushes them aside, not willing to sit back and watch his kingdom fall.

Meanwhile, Merlin goes to Gaius, who is helping tend for the wounded in the castle, along with a bunch of other good Samaritans, like Gwen and…Morgana? What the crap is she doing  _helping_  someone? Poor girl must be ill to be going so against her nature. Merlin tells Gaius that they need to keep an eye on Morgana, and Gaius promises that he is.

Merlin runs out to return to Arthur and just barely dodges a flaming ball of DOOM. Now that's hot. Seriously, it is. Like 500 degrees or something. It is a flaming ball of doom. Duh!

Arthur sees Uther, tries to drag him back, which causes Uther to be shot in the freaking leg with an arrow. I'm sure Uther was thinking right here, "Gee, thanks, son, for trying to drag me away and causing me to be shot with an arrow. You are my sunshine."

Arthur yells for them to retreat, and Merlin uses his amazing magical powers to make a wall of flame erupt between the good and bad guys, so that they can make a safe retreat. Does he get acknowledged? No. Does he get thanked? No. Does he get totally ignored. You betcha!

Back inside, Morgana knows that Cenred's army is losing, so she leaves to go get the staff. Gaius follows her to her chambers, but when he gets there, she's nowhere to be found. He goes away, not knowing where she went.

Guess where she was? Seriously. Just guess. Behind. The. Freaking. Door. The oldest trick in the book! Gaius, you IDIOT! She was right there, you…you…dollop-headed clotpole! (Yes, I just combined several insults that Merlin has called Arthur. Point. Lizzie.)

There are a few more scenes where Uther demands to go back to battle but Arthur won't let him, Merlin and Arthur help Uther get into the castle, and Morgause and Cenred have another conversation (but with less racy suggestions) about how Morgana is going to turn the tide because Camelot's army can't win a battle on two fronts.

Back to the fun stuff!

Merlin finds Gaius and asks where Morgana is. Gaius says that she disappeared. *facepalm* Gaius. She. Was. Behind. The. Freaking. Door. And you call Merlin an idiot. Geez!

Morgana goes below the castle to a dark, creepy crypt (because what better place is there to wield an evil tree staff of DOOM?) and hits the staff against the floor. The magic is so powerful that it stops Merlin in his tracks and makes Morgause smile like she has a bad case of gas.

And the fight continues. People are trying to scale the wall, but Camelot's awesome army is literally shoving them off ladders. Every time someone fell of a ladder, I laughed so hard! Especially when they screamed pitifully. Grand!

Merlin runs to catch up to Arthur, who demands, "Where the  _hell_ have you been?" Rawr. Someone's cranky. Merlin says "nowhere" and again, I facepalm. When Arthur asks what his excuse is this time, Merlin's jaw drops and he points a shaky finger to somewhere behind Arthur. Arthur says, "Come on, Merlin, I know you can do better than that!" (Point Arthur, dude's really racking up the points today).

They turn around and (cue Pirates of the Caribbean music!) an army of undead skeleton things are marching toward them! YES! This is SO cool! Is Barbossa here? What about Will? And Jack? Where are those pesky pirates anyway? The undead skeletons are here, so hopefully our buddies will be along pretty soon. If you don't know what I'm talking about, then just leave. I'm sorry, but if you don't know about Pirates of the Caribbean, there is no hope for you. None. Just…go.

Arthur starts fighting one of the skellies and Merlin even gets to fight one—with a sword—for all of two seconds. He chops its arm off, but then the one-armed skeleton gets the advantage and Merlin is about to be killed when some random knight stabs it in the ribs.

Really? The thing has no flesh, no blood, no muscles, nothing. It's a skeleton, people! Use what little brains God blessed you with. Seriously, folks, that's pathetic. It was silly enough for Elizabeth Swann to stab Barbossa when he was in his undead human form. But to stab a freaking undead skeleton? *scoffs* Amateurs. What you need is Jack Sparrow! Hazaah!

And then Merlin does a hilarious rendition of Governor Swann's epic battle with the skeleton hand. The arm that he chopped off of the skeleton is laying there, and I think to myself, "If that hand starts to move across the floor, I am going to die." I. Died. And Merlin takes a sword and starts trying to beat the crap out of the arm—just like Swann in Pirates! It was amazing! I think I died and came back about fifty times. It was too cute and so reminiscent of Pirates that I…well…died.

After this, Merlin and Arthur are running to go tell Gaius to seal the doors so that the skellies can't get in, but Arthur is waylaid by another undead dude of doom. He orders Merlin to go on, Merlin protests, Arthur gets cranky, and Merlin obeys. Usual stuff.

Then some more things happen: Gaius keeps Uther from going back into battle, the knights of Camelot face the skeletons for the first time, and then we are with Arthur, Gaius, and Gwen. Gwen is tending to Arthur's wound and Gaius tells Arthur that they've lost the lower town and that there is no escape. Bet that just made his day.

Merlin heads down to the crypts where Morgana is. The tree staff is stuck in the ground, and the top of it is glowing, and Merlin puts two and two together and gets that the staff + the ground + glowing = evil undead skeletons. And then there is an amazing Morgana and Merlin scene.

MORGANA: You should leave now while you still can.  
MERLIN: Morgana, please, I'm begging you…Women and children are dying, the city will fall."  
MORGANA: Good.  
MERLIN: No, you don't mean that. (Come ON Merlin, remember what the Dragonator said about how your trying to see the good in people will be your undoing! DON'T act like she's not evil. Kill her! (Or anger-management class, either one.))  
MORGANA: I have magic, Merlin. (She says his name, awwww!) Uther hates me and everyone like me. Why should I feel any different about him?  
MERLIN: You of all people could change Uther's mind! (Good point, Merlin. Way to use that noggin!) Doing this, using magic like this, will only harden his heart.  
MORGANA: You don't have magic, Merlin. (Uh, YEAH he does. And it's way cooler than your second hand magic, you lying she-witch of DOOM!) How could you hope to understand?  
MERLIN: I do understand, believe me. (Morgana walks forward threateningly and I'm at the edge of my seat, not even noticing that I've finished my popcorn and am now eating my napkin) If I had your gifts, I would harness them for good, that's what magic should be for, that's why you were born with these powers. (Woot! Merlin, the scarecrow HAS a brain!)  
MORGANA: You don't know what it's like to be an outsider. (Apparently, the Tin Man does NOT have a heart!) To be ashamed of how you were born, to have to hide who you are! (Merlin is looking so sorry for Morgana. Such a kind heart. Awww, I so want to hug him!) Do you think I deserve to be executed for who I am?  
MERLIN: No, but you deserve to be executed for what you've done, you evil lying she-witch of apoctolypic destruction! (Sadly, just kidding, he didn't say that. He just said no.) It doesn't have to be like this. We can find another way.  
MORGANA: There is no other way.

That scene is amazing! So raw, so full of emotions, so…so…Mergana! (Yes, I am a Merlin/Morgana fangirl. Deal with it, I know it's not going to happen, but I can dream.)

Merlin nods and casually begins to walk around Morgana, and then lunges for the staff. Yes Merlin! Kill it! Kill the staff!

Morgana is too fast for him. He clubs him in the stomach with the hilt of her sword, making him drop his own sword. That was NOT nice! Morgana, you apologize for hitting Merlin THIS instant, or you will suffer my WRATH!

Merlin's hunched over, holding his stomach, and says, "What are you going to do…kill me?"

Morgana retorts, "You don't think I can?"

Merlin straightens up and tells her to do it quickly. She swings the sword at him and he falls backwards. It's very confusing because it sounds like the sword struck him, and he did fall down, but then he's up and running and I don't see any blood. Of course, the blood thing isn't a good judge. Arthur can stab a guy in the gut and his sword will come out cleaner than it went in. Ha! Then, in an awesome move of doom, he dives for his sword and an epic swordfight between Merlin and Morgana ensues! This is SO cool! Merlin finally gets to sword fight, and he's doing pretty well holding his own, too! Woot woot! We're rooting for you buddy!

Both battles continue. Camelot vs. Cenred's men and Merlin vs. Morgana. Come on, good guys! Kick their butts!

Merlin does very well fighting Morgana, but she eventually disarms him and starts hacking away at him and blood and guts are flying everywhere and…just kidding. If that happened, I'd jump into the screen and throttle Morgana. No joke. Nah, Merlin dodges the blows, then ducks behind a sarcophagus and uses magic to make some rocks fall on Morgana (but not enough to kill her, just to knock her out. Darn it!).

Using this amazingly epic magic spell and his sword, Merlin destroys the staff and the skeletons die! Yay!

Cenred gives up, telling Morgause that she is a failure. Ouch. I'm guessing their little fling is over with. Now Morgause is going to have to go back to her dark cave in the woods and find all his CDs, the jewelry he gave her, that old shirt she slept in of his every night, and his class ring and…burn them. You heard me, ladies. If a guy dumps you, don't give his crap back. Get rid of it. Period.

Anyway. It's daytime again and Uther makes this big speech about how there was a traitor in the castle, and about how one person single-handedly stopped them and saved the day. Merlin's looking all happy because he actually thinks he'll get thanked for his good deeds. Fat chance. Morgana concocted some lie about how she saved the day, even though she was the one who put the day in danger in the first place, the evil lying she-witch. Look at this, I'm so mad at her, I can't even say "of doom." She gets all the glory.

Later, Merlin and Gaius have their usual chat about what happened in the episode over the dinner table. Have you noticed that they almost always talk about the events of the episode at the end of each one, usually over the dinner table? Is it just me, or is this slightly reminiscent of Dora the Explorer?

What was  _your_ favorite part of the day, Merlin?

 _My_ favorite part was when I clobbered Morgana with a ton of rocks because she is an evil lying she-witch. What was  _your_ favorite part of the day, Gaius?

 _My_ favorite part was when I followed Morgana and she cleverly eluded me by hiding behind the door.

(Both of them look at the screen and say in unison) What was  _your_ favorite part of the day, kids?

I mean, seriously, what's next, they are going to break out into the chorus of "We did it, we did it, we did it, yeah, Bravicimo, we did it. We stopped Morgana, but got no thanks, yeah, we did it, we did it!" I mean seriously. I love the show but this always makes me laugh. And stop cackling at me because I know the words to Dora the Explorer. I have two little sisters, okay? Gosh.

Anyway, Gaius and Merlin talk about how Morgana is so bitter and corrupted by magic. Merlin says he isn't angry with her, but sad for her. Gaius warns him not to become like her and Merlin says that will never happen, that nothing could make him that angry.

At this moment, Arthur strides in (without knocking, the rude dude) and orders Merlin to get his "lazy backside" out here (point Arthur). Merlin grins and says, "On second thoughts." (Point Merlin, since Arthur was in the room, we're going to count it because Merlin is pitifully behind on the scale.)

And the episode is finished, and so is my post with over 11,000 words. Phew! I really hope it was worth it and please REVIEW. This was crazy to write and it took a LOT of time and effort, so please, I implore you, review.

That being said…

* * *

 **Burn Meter 5000:**  
This Episode: Arthur 8, Merlin 6  
Total: 15, Merlin 12

 **Shirtless Arthur Scenes:**  
This episode: 1  
Total: 2

 **Smirk-O-Meter**  
This Episode: 12  
Total: 20


	3. Goblin's Gold I

Oh my. This episode…this episode (giggle). Where on EARTH to begin? Okay, hold on a second, I'm laughing so hard that I can't feel my nose and think my left kidney is about to shrivel up. Oh wow…okay…I  _think_  I have regained my composure enough to give my riveting commentary on this epi—nope, never mind. I'm losing it again. *shakes in laughter, beats fist against wall, falls on the floor, and laughs some more*

FIFTEEN MINUTES LATER

Okay. Okay. I'm in con(giggle)trol again. I promise. I—hahahaha!

TEN MORE MINUTES LATER

Alright. Breathe, Liz, breathe. Ha! Okay. I'm good.

This. Episode. Is. Brilliant.

Yes, it was silly. Yes, it was a  _tad_ embarrassing to watch at times. Yes, there were several sizeable plot holes. And  _yes_ , there IS a such word as hippo-pot-o-monstroses-quipp-edalio-phobia (I had to break it up because for some strange reason, fanfiction dot net felt the need to completely delete the word when I had it all together, the silly website), even if my computer's spell check is not as sophisticated and amazing as I am and says it's not. Microsoft Word FAIL. Lizzie WIN.

My point is, even though it was a little goofy and could have used a little more putty or spackle to fill in a few of those somewhat sizeable holes in the wall, it was awesome. Just so you know, the spackle represents an explanation and the holes represent the plot holes and the wall represents the plot…Alright, alright, I get it. You're not stupid. I don't have to explain my extremely philosophical and deep metaphor to you because you guys are not hippo-pot-o-monstroses-quipp-edalio-phobics! (By the way, anyone who can tell me what that word means WITHOUT looking it up in the dictionary, Googling it, or researching it in any way, form, or fashion, is pretty freaking amazing. The meaning is great. Trust me!).

Okay, I can't wait any longer! Let's delve into the episode with an open mind and our giggle-boxes all charged up and ready for action!

Merlin goes to the library to get a book for Gaius. Why Gaius can't get off his butt and fetch it himself is beyond me. Merlin is NOT his servant! He has enough to deal with with Arthur ordering him around constantly. Must Gaius  _really_  send Merlin to do his errands? It might do him some good to get out of his chambers for a while! Seriously, like nearly every time we see Gaius he is either in his rooms (usually at the dinner table with Merlin singing Dora the Explorer) or in the throne room, giving Uther advice that the king is sure to ignore.

Merlin is told by the librarian that the last time he saw the book, it was in the east wing. And Merlin (bless him) starts heading west! He's just like me in that respect! Except I think I'm worse. Like I get lost trying to find my way across the street. I believe my sense of direction was stolen from me at birth (probably by Uther, because it's easier to blame him than admit that I have issues with finding my way around). Thankfully, our little librarian man says something along the lines of, "East is that way."

Merlin is all, "Well, yeah, I knew that." (Slight paraphrase.) Love it! That's seriously what I do. If I start going the wrong direction and a friend corrects me, I immediately respond with, "Uh, yeah, I  _totally_ knew that…I was just testing to make sure  _you_ knew where you were going…and you passed!"

Merlin finds the book and it is on the top shelf of the bookcase. Oh, dear. Merlin's pretty tall and gangly (like Ron Weasley but even more adorable!), but even he can't reach the book. Instead of asking the librarian for help, or hunting down one of those step-stools or even one of those awesome sliding ladders like the one in Ollivander's in Harry Potter 1, Merlin decides that climbing on the bookshelf is the best way to get at that baby.

No, Merlin, don't do it. Trust me. I give you this advice from experience, for I, too, have made the mistake of using my bookshelf as a ladder. I didn't get the book I was after, but I did get very acquainted with the floor and, briefly…an angel named Stephan.

But when Merlin steps on the shelf, something awesome happens—the bookshelf swivels around, taking Merlin into a secret room behind the bookshelf. And I said holy cow! This is just like every single Nancy Drew/Hardy Boys book ever published! (I know this because along with being a total Merlin fangirl, I am also a Hardy Boys fanatic that used to be crazy over Nancy Drew but got over it when I found out how incredibly amazing Joseph Hardy is. Just sayin'.) Anyway, I couldn't help but wonder if Carolyn Keene or Franklin W. Dixon chipped in to co-write this episode.

Random, probably pointless piece of trivia that will probably go in one of your ears and out the other…actually, since you're  _reading_  this, perhaps it will go in one eye and out the other…but I'm not sure if that's even possible, but anywho…DID YOU KNOW that Carolyn Keene and Franklin W. Dixon never existed? The Hardy Boys and Nancy Drew series were both created by Edward Straightmeyer (forgive me if I spelled that wrong), and then the books were written by ghostwriters and even now, the books that are out are still written by many different people that all go under the alias of Dixon and Keene. ANYWAY, told you that it was most likely pointless but if it shows off my vast knowledge of all things classic mystery, then it's all good.

So yeah, I took about two paragraphs trying to make the point that the secret hitch on the bookshelf flipping over into a secret room is SO something that happened in nearly every original Nancy Drew and Hardy Boys novel. But hey, the thirties are coming back, so why not? Next thing we know, we'll all be saying "Golly!" "Gee Whiz!" and "Great Leaping Irishmen!" (No lie, Chief Collig actually said this in a Hardy book.)

Okay, okay…sorry about that. I totally digressed and forgot what I was talking about for a moment. Back to the best, most amazing, most incredible show EVER! (No, not Phineas and Ferb, although that one comes in second.)

So Merlin is in this secret room of doom (sorry I couldn't resist—it was a "doom" phrase AND it rhymed, c'mon, can you blame me for jumping at the opportunity? Carpe Diem, y'all. Seize the day.) where all this magic paraphernalia is stored. Merlin sees a pretty cool magic book (which will come into play later in this episode, although it took about four times of watching the darn thing to make the connection…sometimes those dots just won't connect for me.). Then he stubs his toe on this box and the box grunts. Ooooh! Whatever could this mean!

Apparently, it means that there is something inside. Merlin tries to open the box but it is locked. So he decides to use magic to open it.

Okay, let's stop right here. I was going to try and let this one slide, to skim over this little moment, but it's just too ridiculous to pass up.

_Dearest Merlin,_

_I love you, but ARE YOU DAFT, MAN? I understand you being curious about this strange and interesting box that grunts. I get it. I DO. But seriously. How much sense does it make to open it? First of all, the box was in a secret room, locked away so that it would be kept a SECRET. Why would it be a secret? Hum, I don't know. It couldn't be because it's something that is potentially dangerous, could it? It couldn't be that there's a REASON for this box to be locked away in a secret chamber behind one of Nancy Drew's bookcases, could it? I mean, seriously, the very idea of the box being hidden is simply preposterous, don't you agree? Not only that, but the stinking box is locked. LOCKED. Where I come from, a locked box in a secret room doesn't translate to a flashing neon sign that declares "OPEN ME, MERLIN!" No, it translates to an even bigger, more obvious flashing neon sign that declares, "DO_ NOT _OPEN ME, MERLIN, BECAUSE I AM OBVIOUSLY LOCKED FOR A GOOD REASON AND IF YOU WERE THINKING_ AT ALL _YOU WOULD BE PUTTING ME DOWN AND HIGHTAILING IT OUT OF THIS SECRET ROOM OF DOOM." I mean, come on, Merlin. I know you've got a brain hidden somewhere in that cute noggin of yours. Let's not prove Arthur, Gaius, and Uther right when they call you an idiot, because right now, it's really a case of IF THE POINTY WIZARD HAT FITS…and right now, that hat fits you SO well. I'm sorry, my dearest Merlin, because I vowed I would never say this, but this…this really is too silly of you. Merlin, you idiot! Don't. Open. The. Freaking. Box. Of. Doom. Period._

_Hugs and kisses,_

_Your one true love,_

_Emachinescat_

Hopefully I got out all of my feelings about what Merlin does in the first few minutes of the episode out in a clear, calm, and totally un-sarcastic manner in the form of a polite, yet firm, friendly letter. *takes deep breath* Right.

So Merlin uses magic to open the box…and out pops…a weasel! Woohoo!  _While in the secret room, Merlin freed the goblin, the goblin thought it was all in the fun until POP goes the weasel!_ Okay, so I need to work on my rendition of the classic nursery rhyme. And no, a real weasel didn't pop out. But I'm not so sure that our little goblin buddy doesn't possess some sneaky weasel-like qualities. I mean, he's sneaky, likes shiny things, makes weird noises, and has a British accent. I mean, how more weaselicious can you get? For all intensive purposes the goblin IS a weasel!

And the goblin (who I don't believe was given a name, so we shall call him Arthur Weasley because, in fact, the goblin was voiced by Mark Williams, who plays the Muggle-loving Weasley dad in the Harry Potter movies) says, "Boo!" And the title sequence begins.

Now, back to our feature presentation!

Arthur Weasley breaks the ice by saying, "Are you going to say something or shall I?" Uh, hate to break it to you Arthur W., but you just said something. So…I think you shall.

Merlin is all like, "You can speak." Wow, Merlin. Why are you so shocked? Why wouldn't Arthur W. be able to talk? I mean, goblins can do all sorts of things—they run banks, collect shiny things, and lick strange things of which there is no telling where they've been. In fact, goblins are just like humans, except shorter and green. So tell me again, WHY wouldn't he be able to talk?

And another thing. This isn't necessarily directed at any one character, but more at the show itself. Don't goblins need to eat? I mean, if goblins are indeed miniature, green humans, then they should at least have a good three meals a day like the rest of us. But apparently, this little fella has been cooped up for a long time (like several decades) in that little box and I  _know_  that there isn't any room for fifty years' worth of frozen TV dinners in there. Maybe he was like a bear and hibernated. Or maybe goblins don't eat because the writers of Merlin say so. Who knows? Anyway, if you have an answer, I'd be grateful to hear it.

Arthur W. responds with, "You're a bright one, aren't you?" Wow, if we included Arthur W. in on this competition of wits then the score would be Arthur P. 15, Merlin 12, Arthur W. 1, and Emachinescat 1,000,065.

So Arthur W. starts stretching and says something about how it feels good to be out of there. Maybe I'm just a Disney movie nerd that has WAY too much time on my hands, but my mind instantly went to  _Aladdin_  which (along with  _Mulan_  and  _Finding Nemo_ and  _Beauty and the Beast_ ) has to be the best animated Disney movie ever. You know the scene where Aladdin rubs the lamp and the Genie pops out and is like, "AAAAAAH, OY! TEN THOUSAND YEARS WILL GIVE YOU SUCH A CRICK IN THE NECK! WHOA, DOES IT FEEL GOOD TO BE OUTTA THERE!" Yeah, that's what popped into my mind. Darn, now I have an urge to go watch  _Aladdin_  because I haven't watched it in ages.

I will resist this craving to watch it, though, because if I am watching  _Aladdin_ , it means that I am not working on this review.

Back to Merlin and his new friend Arthur W. Arthur W. has decided that it is great fun to throw things at Merlin. Huh. Something else that he and Arthur P. have in common, as well the same first names. They both get enjoyment out of throwing things at Merlin. Merlin tries to get the goblin to shut up, but instead, Arthur W. knocks a vase off of the top shelf, despite Merlin's ordering him not to, and makes a heck of a racket in doing so.

Stupid, stupid Arthur W.

Merlin says, "RIGHT, you are going back in that box until I work out what to do with you!" Yes, Merlin. I'm sure this pesky little goblin is just itching to obey your commands. Goodness, kid, I know you're the prophesied "Emrys" and all, but you aren't exactly at the point where all manner of magical creatures tremble at your feet. If that goblin listens to you, I'll eat my shoe.

Arthur W. looks very sad, and his lip trembles, and he slinks down and perches on top of the box, looking as he if he is about to hop on in. At this point, I am eyeing my shoe disdainfully, wondering if it will taste any better with salt or ketchup on it. Thankfully, though, Arthur W. was just being a tricky little bugger, and jumps onto Merlin's head and leaps away as Merlin is moving forward to shut him in the box. Whew, I'm  _really_  glad the goblin didn't obey Merlin, even if it means that he will cause my favorite wizard a lot of problems over course of the episode, because, I'm sorry, but after walking around in the mud all day yesterday, my Nikes look even  _less_ appealing than usual.

Merlin attempts to catch Arthur W. in a ratty old blanket, but apparently besides being tricky gold-lovers, goblins also have the ability to turn into a flying speck of light. This is news to me, because if this is true, then the woods behind my house are overrun by goblins. Clever disguise, pretending to be fireflies. But I'm onto them now, the nasties!

Merlin follows the goblin back into the library, where Arthur W. proceeds to kick most of the books on the top shelf—and, conveniently, the one Merlin was needing to get as well—onto Merlin's head, all the while, giving this rather amusing commentary:

ARTHUR W.: (hits Merlin on the back of the head with a book) Bulls-eye!  
MERLIN: Someone's going to see you! (Good point Merlin! And regardless if Arthur W. is seen or not, he's making such a racket that I don't see how there's any way that no one hears him. Plot hole number one, bless this show.)  
ARTHUR W.: (kicks several more books onto Merlin's head, who shields his face and head from them) Really? I'm just having a little tidy-up! (continues kicking books onto Merlin) Gonna want to get rid of  _all_  of this  _nasty_ mess up here! No one's had a brush up here for  _years_! Look at it all, old and…alright, that's enough, I'm off!

We then hear the scampering of little goblin feet and a sneaky little "hee hee hee hee," and Merlin chases after Arthur W., but not without scooping up the book that Gaius wants first. He slows to a walk, though, as he passes the librarian.

The goblin has left a path of destruction on his way to Arthur P.'s chambers. Oh dear. This  _can't_ be good! Arthur P.'s room is an absolute wreck. How one little goblin could have messed it up so badly in such a short amount of time, I have no idea, but the sheer disaster of the room made even me, the queen of messy rooms, cringe.

Merlin is on his hands and knees, peering under the bed looking for Arthur W. when Arthur P. finds him (and his horribly messy room) and says, "Merlin. I really hope for your sake you have a good explanation for this." Oh trust me, he does, Arthur, but you'd never believe it.

Merlin does have an explanation, but it's kind of—okay  _very_ —lame. He says he is spring cleaning.

Okay, this is during—what?—the sixth century or so, right? I'm pretty sure that spring cleaning hasn't been invented yet. Sure, people cleaned in the spring, but it hadn't been coined as "spring cleaning" yet, had it?

Apparently Arthur isn't too impressed with Merlin's answer, either. He points out that it isn't spring, and it certainly isn't  _clean._ I think this could call for a point for Arthur.

Merlin says, "That's because I only just started. You wait until I'm finished, you'll be able to eat your dinner off the floor…not that you'd want to."

Arthur just gives him this strange look, but before he can say anything, there is a crash from out in the hall, which means that the other Arthur is on the move again. Merlin dashes away to take care of the problem, leaving Arthur P. very confused.

Merlin follows Arthur W. to Morgana's room, where the goblin is busy going through her jewelry and although Merlin chases him out the window, he makes off with Morgana's sleeping bracelet. Yipes. This can't be good. Instead of getting out of Morgana's room while he can, Merlin starts picking up her jewelry. Gwen sees him, tells him that she's not exactly sure it suits him, and Merlin looks embarrassed.

Merlin tells Gaius what happens and Gaius says that Merlin has unleashed a goblin. Apparently, goblins love gold more than anything else and will do anything, no matter how dangerous, to get their hands on it. And when I say dangerous, I don't mean dangerous for the goblin. No, I mean dangerous for everyone else.

What happens next is pure and simple brilliance. Arthur barges into Gaius's chambers, telling Gaius that Uther needs him for an urgent matter of great importance. Gaius and Merlin are warned that if they value their lives, they will not even  _think_  about laughing, at which point I am fully anticipating something hilarous and am snorting in laughter.

Uther is bald. BALD! While this may not be rib-tickling hilarious alone, the sulky expression on his face and the way he was hiding behind his changing screen made it just…just…brilliant. Uther has no ha-air, Uther has no ha-air! Hahahahaha! This was so funny. It just made me happy!

Again, I know my glee at Uther's discomfort is petty and childish, but again—I can't stand the guy, so it's okay.

Merlin and Gaius have the following conversation on their way back:

GAIUS: Only an enchantment could cause Uther to lose his hair like that. I've no doubt the goblin is to blame. We must catch it before it does any real damage.  
MERLIN: (bursts into laughter) Did you see Uther's face? (I know, right, Merlin? It was EPIC, pure and simple. Again, I chant gleefully, "Uther has no ha-air, Uther has no ha-air! Hahahahaha! Na-na-na-boo-boo!")  
GAIUS: Merlin, what do you think Uther will do the person responsible for releasing the goblin?  
MERLIN: (smile vanishes) We need to catch it, how do we do that? (ha, bless him, the poor dear!)

Gaius says that they can catch the goblin, but first they are going to need to set a trap—and for that, they need lots of gold.

So Merlin decides to sneak into Arthur P.'s chambers that night. He manages to get his hands on a large chest filled to the brim with gold coins—who keeps a freaking box of gold under their freaking bed? Oh wait, Prince Arthur, that's who, the bugger—and nearly makes it out unhindered, but knocks some stuff over.

By the way-Arthur is sleeping without a shirt on, so we have yet another point to add to shirtless Arthur scenes. Wow, so far it's at least a scene an episode. Goodness, I would like to make fun of it or complain, but I just can't. As much as I love Merlin and always will, there's just something about a shirtless Arthur...

But Merlin will ALWAYS be my guy! End. Of. Story. ... Uh, anyway, where was I? Oh right.

Arthur wakes up and Merlin ducks behind a chair. Arthur says, "Who's there?" and Merlin continues to hide behind the chair. So Arthur jumps up and grabs a sword—even now, I'm still not sure where he pulled that sword from—and brandishes it. Merlin then does something awesome. What does he do? He uses his awesome magical powers to make Arthur's canopy fall on his head. Point. Merlin.

Arthur, the big dope, apparently has not figured out that he can simply throw the canopy off of his head. No, he has to flop around, fall of the bed, flail around some more, crash into his wardrobe, and fall to the ground, still thrashing. It's a wonder he didn't run himself through with his sword the way he was carrying on. Still, this was extremely amusing and it's not every day we get to see our "perfect" prince making an idiot of himself, so I didn't really care that what happened was not very logical and borderline stupidity. Then again, this  _is_ Arthur we're talking about here. Ohhh, BURN! Point for the Lizinator!

Merlin, like me, finds this all very amusing and sticks around to watch the show until Arthur yells, "GUARDS!" Then Merlin scurries on out of there.

I just wish I could have seen the look on the guards' faces when they saw that their future king had been outwitted by a bed drapery. I can just see it now:

GUARD 1: Prince Arthur, what happened?  
ARTHUR: This canopy attacked me—it nearly killed me! It was so terrible, so frightening, and there was nothing I could do to stop it!  
GUARD 2: You…er…couldn't just, you know…throw it off of you?  
ARTHUR: What do you think I am, some sort of superhero? Not even the bravest knight would have attempted such a feat!  
GUARD 1: Oh, boy. This is what we have to look forward to when Uther dies?  
GUARD 2: Crap. We're screwed.

I mean, seriously, Arthur. Hee hee. That was just too silly, but too grand all the same!

Merlin and Gaius set a trap for Arthur W., who is either completely blind to any potential danger when it comes to traps or is even stupider than a very stupid stick. The goblin literally follows a trail of gold to a perfectly situated chest of gold bathed in the silver rays of the moon. I mean, this is so obviously a trap that I'm actually embarrassed for Arthur W., the idiot.

Arthur W. takes his time going into the trap though, because he stops every few feet to lick one of the coins. I don't know if gold tastes good or if the goblin loves it so much that even touching it isn't enough, but either way, it's pretty disturbing and very gross.

A scene ensues where Merlin and Gaius join together in a vain attempt to catch the little stinker, but when Merlin's back is turned, the firefly/goblin of doom zips into Gaius's ear. Yuck. That is one of the many places I would  _never_ want to set foot in, the others being a vat of nose-drippings, Uther's brain, Chuck E. Cheese's, and a Hannah Montana concert.

Gaius gets this really REALLY comical look on his face after the goblin possesses him. I seriously kept rewinding and pausing it just to see that funny expression. Heehee.

Gaius/Arthur W., whom we will now call Gaius W. for short, smacks Merlin on the back of the head and says, "You let it escape, you stupid boy!" That's not very nice, Gaius W.! That's verbal  _and_ physical abuse! You are such a jerk!

Merlin seems rather taken aback, but Gaius W. snaps at him to go after it and "shoo," so Merlin leaves, looking confused. Gaius W. then proceeds to be completely revolting and lick his lips and then lick the gold, which is one hundred  _billion_ times grosser than when he was in goblin form. *shudders* Richard Wilson, you can play a sick, sick little man. Blech!

Time passes, I imagine, and we cut scenes. Gaius W. is rooting through the cabinets, throwing stuff over his shoulder, looking for something. The room is even worse than Arthur's was, which is REALLY saying something. Merlin comes in and says, "I can't find the goblin anyw—WHAT HAPPENED?"

Gaius W. says that the pesky goblin ransacked his chambers, which is technically true because Gaius W. IS the pesky goblin. I'd actually use another term other than "pesky" to describe the goblin, but my parents say I'm not allowed to use such words, so we'll go with that.

Gaius W. orders Merlin to clean up the mess and then heads for the door. When Merlin asks where he's going, he says the tavern.

Oi. Really? Gaius? Drinking? Gaius? At a tavern? Really? *snort* Even if he  _is_ possessed by Arthur Weasley, it's still hilarious to imagine!

What's even funnier is when Gaius W. beats this HUGE, muscular man at arm wrestling because of the gold that's wagered. I mean, it's grand!

Haha, and the  _look_  on that dude's face when he was beaten by a little old man in an arm wrestling competition! It was like… Dude, WTH (which means "What The Helicopter?")?

Wow. This. Is. Epic.

So concludes the first part of my analysis of Merlin Series 3, Episode 3, Part 1. I will be back to talk about Part 2 next week. Until then, check out some of my other stories or go people-bowling (don't ask, just do. Chasing people with a twenty pound bowling ball is more fun than…I don't know…chasing people around with a nineteen pound bowling ball. Trust me. Heehee.)

* * *

**Stats:**

**Burn Meter 5000:**  
This episode so far: Arthur 1, Merlin 1  
Total: Arthur 16, Merlin 13

 **Shirtless Arthur Scenes:**  
This episode so far: 1  
Total: 3

 **Smirk-O-Meter**  
Part 1: 0  
This Episode so far: 0  
Total: 20


	4. Goblin's Gold II

I actually thought about giving a quick run-down of the first part of the episode at the beginning of this second post, but then I figured that if someone is too lazy to push the freaking "back" button and go read chapter three first, then it's not my problem and I should just get on with the episode. Especially since I have a feeling that most of you have already read the last part and probably want me to GET THE HECK ON WITH THIS! Okay, okay…you don't have to yell…Geez.

Part two of this lovely episode begins with Gaius the Goblin (whose nickname is Gaius W., remember?) giving a great, big, nasty belch right at the screen. It could probably be rated a 7, maybe a 7.5. I mean, it was gross, but I've seen better. (In all honesty, I've  _done_ better—I've at least reached a 9, and I have a feeling that if someone gave me a particularly bubbly glass of root beer, I could top the scale at 11.898! But I'm not rude—promise. Just sayin'.)

Er…anyway. So apparently Gaius W. had a bit too much to drink last night after beating that big body builder dude at arm wrestling. By the way, I don't believe I mentioned it in the last post, but after getting the money he won off of beating that guy, Gaius W. licked it. LICKED IT! There is just something VERY disturbing about seeing a droopy old man (no offense, Richard Wilson) licking pieces of gold like they are the last pickled tuna fish on earth. Why couldn't he show his appreciation for his gold some other way, like by nuzzling it with his nose or composing a simple but heartfelt power-ballad for it? Is all the tongue-to-gold action necessary? That's sick.

But that's beside the point. I guess Gaius W. is free to do what he likes in his own time, no matter how utterly revolting it is, and despite how many disturbing nightmares he gives poor, innocent little children. That tongue… _blech!_

Merlin comes down the stairs from his room and sees Gaius who is very clearly hung over. That's something you don't see every day! If I were Merlin, instead of acting concerned for his well-being, I would have had my digital video camera out and the video of Gaius the Hung Over Physician that Licks His Gold would have been all over YouTube by now. Instead, though, Merlin says, "You look terrible." He then asks how much Gaius W. (although, if you'll remember, he still thinks he's just Gaius, with no W. at the end) drank last night.

Gaius W.'s response is, "You don't look so good yourself; what's your excuse?"

Hey now, Gaius W. That's akin to treason in my world, saying that Merlin doesn't look good—bite your tongue! Okay, okay. I admit—that was a pretty funny, albeit mean, remark. And yes, I did laugh. I guess I, too, would be offended if my ward trotted down the stairs in the morning and told me I looked horrible. I probably would say the same thing, except there would more than likely be a few "OF DOOMs" thrown in there somewhere.

This, however, is out of Gaius's character. Merlin seems shocked that his guardian would speak to him in such a way. He's like, "What?" Oh, yeah, that was a good, smart-butt reply, Merlin. That'll really keep him on his toes. What. I think that's going to win the sarcastic, witty comeback of the year award. NOT! (Now, that sarcasm, right there—that just might!)

Gaius shushes Merlin and says that he has a head like the inside of a drum and a mouth like a badger's armpit. Ha! Told you I wasn't making things up! That just leaves me to wonder…how on EARTH does Gaius W. know what a badger's armpit tastes like? Maybe goblins lick other things besides gold. Maybe they lick other strange things, like badgers' armpits and naked mole rat babies. I mean, I could be wrong, but how else would he know what a badger's armpit tastes like? These goblins are pretty nasty little buggers, if you ask me.

Gaius W. orders Merlin to go fetch his breakfast and shoos him away. Although Merlin seems to find this odd, he doesn't exactly question this sudden and drastic change of character. After all, if my mom started telling me I was ugly and made me run out to Wal-Mart and get her breakfast, I wouldn't be worried at all. I would just go along with it, and maybe even say what.

After Merlin leaves, bewildered (the poor dear has no idea that his guardian has turned into a gold-licking maniac of doom), Gaius burps again and then pulls out the chest of gold that Merlin took from Arthur's room after Arthur's brave but futile duel with the bed drapery. And guess what he does? He licks the gold. WHY can't he do something else? ANYTHING else? He could sniff it. Or stick it in his ear. Or…well, the other options are too disturbing to put into words, so maybe licking the gold  _is_ better than some of the other things he could do. Um…(sing-song voice) AWK-WARD…

And then…enter Morgana! Dun-dun-DUN!

When she speaks, her voice is all high and stupid. It's  _so_ obvious that she's playing innocent. I mean, come on. Does raising the pitch of your voice actually make you seem less suspicious? *scoffs* Come on, Morgana. First the smirks, then the high-pitched voice. If no one knows that you are an evil lying she-witch of doom by now, they will soon enough with your crappy façade! Leave Camelot, Morgana. Leave and don't come back until you've taken some acting lessons and that anger management class we talked about the post before last.

I cannot possibly paraphrase this butt-kicking conversation of doom that follows, so I'm going to give it to you, word for word.

MORGANA: Gaius?  
GAIUS W.: Yes, yes, what is it? (ooh, crabby—apparently someone doesn't want to be interrupted during their "alone time" with their gold…)  
MORGANA: I couldn't sleep last night. (Hmmm…couldn't be because your conscience is keeping you awake and because you are an evil lying she-witch of DOOM, now could it?) My healing bracelet's been stolen.  
GAIUS W.: Oh…tragedy and travesty! (Gaius W. quickly turns around and shuts his chest of treasures because—lo and behold—Morgana's bracelet is right there on the top.) Whoever stole it should be hanged, flogged, and hanged again. (Uh, wow, Gaius W. That's a pretty nasty future you've got planned for yourself. I think maybe you need to go see a goblin psychiatrist for your masochistic tendencies.)  
MORGANA: I was hoping you could give me a sleeping draft?  
GAIUS W.: A sleeping draft? Can't you count sheep like everyone else? (Okay, I've gotta admit—Gaius W.'s got a rockin' sense of sarcasm.) Why are you bothering me with such things? Shoo! (Uh, Gaius W., I should warn you. As obnoxious and obvious as Morgana is, she IS an evil lying she-witch of doom. Tread carefully or you and your wonderful sarcasm will be lost for all time.)  
MORGANA: I don't know why you're being like this, Gaius. I'm the king's ward, and you shall do as I ask.  
GAIUS W.: Ooooh, shall I now? (This is where it gets good and I was all like maybe Goblin Gaius is actually good for something other than smarmy remarks and licking things. He's also exceptionally good at telling off lying evil she witches of doom.) I can see deep into your heart and it's cold. Cold as stone. You play Uther's loving ward, you play it so well. You fool him, but you don't fool me. You would see Uther dead and Camelot destroyed. (Oh, you nailed it on the head, Gaius W. Fist bump. Holla!)

Finally, Gaius W.  _does_ give Morgana her sleeping draft…but only AFTER doing some sort of magic to it that causes it to turn purple and get all bubbly. Whatever he's doing to it, I'm PRETTY sure he didn't just turn it into grape soda, but I'm certain the results of said potion will be highly farty—eh, I mean, funny. Of course. Funny. *clears throat* Anycrap.

Gaius W. gets the brilliant idea of going around and administering remedies for illnesses he makes up on the spot. Of course, the greedy little goblin doesn't give them out for free—he charges a gold coin for each so-called "remedy."

The first person he visits is this random man with a broken rib. This scene was pretty amazing because Gaius W. had this guy's arms held up in the air and was making him say, "Ah-ooh-ah-ooh-ah-OOH!" I don't know what it is, but there is just something extremely hilarious about making people look silly.

Like this one time, I was at a high school football game with my best friend, and it was so cold outside. Like, almost as cold as Morgana's heart—yeah, I went there. Her next-door neighbor had driven us to the game, but he was an SRO officer so he was one of the last to leave, and his truck was locked, so April and I had to wait outside of his truck in the cold for, like, ever. I managed to make myself feel better though, because I told April, "You know, it's been proven that jumping up and down on one foot can actually make you warmer." So, to my disbelief and amusement, she started jumping up and down on one foot. So I said, "And it also helps if you jump in a circle." And she started jumping in a flipping circle! Finally, I said, "Now, say, 'I look like a dork!'" And she was like, "I look like a—HEY!" It was SOOO funny! I have to agree with Gaius W. here—it is a bit fun to mess with people.

But NOT to the extent that Gaius W. does it—he convinces the man and his wife that the dude is going to die unless he gets the treatment, and that his wife will live out the rest of her life alone and die a bitter old lady, which is "no less that you deserve." Ouch. The look on that poor woman's face—(giggle). No, I'm not laughing. Promise. It is NOT funny. *snort*

And so, we get a montage, complete with perky music, of Gaius W. going around and selling these false potions to everyone for a gold coin. And every time he gets a coin he proceeds to (A) lick it, (B) lick his lips, or (C) start to lick the coin or his lips but then stop because he notices someone looking at him strangely.

He even goes to Gwen, selling her the same purple, bubbly potion that he gave Morgana. Gwen is taken aback when he refuses to give her the treatment without her giving him a gold coin, but when he threatens about big, pussy boils and her nose dripping with snot, she gives in. If I were her, I'd be talking to SOMEONE about the changes in Gaius instead of just giving him an odd look. That's the same thing Merlin did—come on people, QUESTION this development. Don't just say "what" and watch Gaius W. with an odd expression on your face as he licks a gold coin and scurries out of your house with your hard-earned moolah. Amateurs.

(Giggle) This next scene is pure, uncontested, absolute, apocalyptic BRILLIANCE. I LOLed and proceeded to rewind and rewatch over and over and over and over and…well, you get the point.

Armed with another vile of the grape soda potion, Gaius W. goes to cure Uther of his baldness. *snort* Okay, gimme a minute, I can't breathe. This is just TOO epic. (laughs so hard my spleen has a conniption) HA! Okay, okay. I can do this. I can…I…

Oh, holy crap! Focus, Liz. Just breathe and focus. You can get through this. You HAVE to get through this. Whew. (giggle)

Alright. So.

Gaius W. gives the grape soda to Uther to drink. The rest of it he puts on his head and proceeds to *snort* pat the potion all over Uther's bald noggin. (giggle) That looked like so much fun! I mean, who doesn't want to poke around on Anthony Head's bald head? And then…giggle…Gaius W. starts slapping his head! And not a gentle "tap," no, I mean slapping so hard that his head his thrown to the side.

In a slightly mortified voice, Uther says, "Is it really necessary to slap my head like that?" At this point, I absolutely lost it. I'm sorry…I can't describe this scene. It's just too epic for someone of my meager writing abilities to portray accurately. It's like someone who has never seen a mortifyingly terrible concert trying to accurately describe a Hannah Montana concert. It just doesn't work. You just have to watch the scene yourself. *snort* Crap, I'm losing it again.

THREE HOURS LATER

Okay, I think I can semi-function now. Basically, what happened was that Gaius W. slapped King Uther's hairless head like he was playing a bongo drum. And the look of pure, giddy joy on his face(Gaius W.'s face that is. The look on Uther's face was more or less "just kill me now" which made me happy.)…man, what I would give to be able to take his place right there. *wistful sigh* Ah, well.

In order to get full enjoyment out of this scene of epic epicosity, this pure parade of awesomosotude (thanks to Tianne for this awesome word she learned from her son), I suggest that you watch it at least five times in a row, if not more. If you are having a bad day, this remedy should ALWAYS make you feel better, unless, of course, you are a pelodaphobic, which means you are afraid of bald people. I'm not sure if there's a phobia for watching old men slap a bald man's head, but there should be. Ha!

Switching scenes…

Gaius W. is in his chambers having another game of tonsil hockey with his gold coins when Merlin walks in! Yay, it's Merlin! Hopefully he won't say, "Oh, look at that, Gaius's personality has changed even more drastically and he's all but snogging gold coins. Where's my pie?"

Thankfully, Merlin isn't  _that_  gullible, and realizes that Gaius is the goblin. He says, "You're the goblin!"

At first Gaius W. tries to deny it, but Merlin the Amazing sees right through his phony façade. There's my guy—I never doubted him for a second! *feverishly tries to hide last few paragraphs* Nope, didn't doubt him at all! Merlin says, "I know Gaius as well as I know myself and you're not him!"

Really, Merlin? Really? If you know him so well, why did you not figure out that he's possessed by a gold-licking goblin of doom sooner? You know, after he called you stupid and smacked you on the head? Or when he, you know, told you that you were less than gorgeous (which, by the way is a total and utter and complete lie)? Or when he started charging people for fake illnesses? It actually takes you seeing him slobbering all over the gold that you guys never bothered to give back to Arthur after his (giggle) harrowing battle with the canopy for you to figure out Gaius is actually Gaius W.? Ah, well, if he weren't so gullible at times, he wouldn't be Merlin. He'd be Steve. And Steve is no fun. Trust me.

So Gaius W. stops trying to pretend and acknowledges that what Merlin accused him of is true. And then he goes on to say, "How do you like my new body? It's a bit old and creaky, but it's ever so much fun." At this point, I am quite honestly at a loss for words. I'll, uh, take your word for it, Gaius W. You  _really_ don't have to go into  _any_ details whatsoever about what makes Gaius's body so much fun or how you figured out how much fun it is. That's something for you to bring up with your therapist. Ugh, this is moving into really disturbing territory, so…

HEY LOOK A DISTRACTION! -

Okay, now that we are all good and distracted from what could have turned into a very…traumatic…discussion about…eh…DISTRACTION AGAIN! -

Right. So Merlin tries to convince Gaius W. to convert back into plain old Gaius, but Gaius W. isn't feeling it. He says he likes it inside of Gaius…which is another area I'm just not going to touch on. Apparently he likes the freedom, the gold, the beer…did he mention the gold?

Merlin gets all defensive and hot and says something along the lines of, "If you hurt Gaius, I'll rip your face off, PUNK!" (Okay, sadly, he doesn't say that, but he does say he'll kill him if he hurts Gaius.)

And the goblin is all like, "Um…dude. Really? Think about it,  _Mer_ lin. I'm Gaius. Gaius is Gaius. We're both Gaius. Which means if you try to hurt Gaius, you'll kill Gaius. Savvy?"

At which point, Merlin's head explodes from all of the confusion.

Just kidding, that didn't happen, although if you can somehow interpret what I made the goblin say, then you have Gaius W.'s response to Merlin's threat. Good luck trying to work that one out!

After giving his little speech, Gaius W. leaves the room, but not before stopping at Merlin and smacking him lightly on the side of his face. At this point, if I were Merlin, I'd be like, "Okay, this is the throwdown, smackdown time, you freak! No one pats my face but Emachinescat! Got that…LOSER SQUARED?" And you know he'd totally say it if he wasn't worried about Gaius killing Gaius.

THE THRONE ROOM…

Hahahahahahahahaha! This is just TOO amazing! Ha! Wowie, this is grand…and a tad embarrassing to watch and I'm sure it was a bit embarrassing to Angel Colby, Katie McGrath, and Anthony Head as well. But who cares? As long as we get some sort of childish amusement out of it, who cares if the actors are too mortified to ever leave their homes again?

No, really, I'm just kidding. It's REALLY not that bad.

I'm going to warn you ahead of time that there are several "issues" about this episode that I've read that I'm going to go into in this post, and the upcoming scene is one of them. You can agree with me or not, it really doesn't matter to me. You have a right to your opinion. But I am going to tell you what  _I_ saw and how  _I_ interpreted it because it is  _my_ story and so there. Cool? Seriously, though—it's fine if you don't agree. Just know that I am right. Haha, just kidding. Anyway…

There are several wonderfully amusing things about this particular scene.

#1: Uther is wearing some sort of "dog ear" cap that is supposedly meant to protect his dignity and not show that he is bald. Uh, Uther, sorry to be the bearer of bad news—actually, since it's Uther, I couldn't care less, actually—but that hat's not doing your dignity much help. And FYI—just because everyone in the room isn't laughing in front of you, there's a pretty big chance they're making fun of you and your new hat behind your back. I even heard that some of the servants made bald caps and are sporting them around saying, "Hey look at me, I'm Uther Pendragon—fear me!" Ha, just kidding—I'm the one who's been doing that.

#2: Apparently that purple potion produced prudently by a petty and preposterous goblin proved to be a farting potion. (Yeah, I know I totally killed the alliteration there, but seriously, there's not a synonym to letting out gas that starts with "p" unless you count poot but that word is just so undignified.) Gwen is the first to let'er rip and she is SO embarrassed because Arthur saw…heard…and…smelled it. Then it's Morgana's turn to relieve herself at which point a knight that has been in love with her for ages but never had a chance to use his favorite corny pickup line on her says, "Hey, baby, did you break wind? Cause you're blowing me away!" Ha, just kidding…no one loves Morgana. That's why she's an evil lying she-witch of (you guessed it) doom. Then—this is pure genius—Uther puts his foot on the gas pedal and really gets the show on the road. PPPPHHHHTTT! Ha! Yes, I know it's silly. And it's immature. And it is a bit embarrassing to watch. But who cares? This leads me to rant number one:

RANT NUMBER ONE: I saw many comments about the episode saying that this scene was stupid and immature and low brow humor. Uh…come on, you guys…lighten up! Don't pretend you've never farted in public and then been mortified! I'll even admit to it—I've done it before, at church nonetheless. Let me tell you, it was NOT a pleasant experience. I felt like I could just dig a hole right there under the youth group room and die in it. THAT'S how humiliating it was! And I actually liked that they put the characters in this kind of mundane situation! They're always portrayed as being these figures of legend that can do no wrong and are all great and noble yada yada yada. This REALLY put a touch of normalcy to the show—granted, in a rather unorthodox way—and showed another, more realistic side of the characters. A side that says, "Yeah. That's right. I'm human. I fart. Get over it, sucka!" Come on, those haters need to take a little trip to reality world, where everyone farts, even the king. Get over it. Gosh! It's really not as bad as some people would make it out to be. Of course, again, this is just my humble (right) opinion, so you don't (do) have to take it to heart.

After this little escapade, Gaius W. returns to his chambers, laughing up a storm. Of course, I'm laughing with him because the look on Uther's face when he farted in front of his council while simultaneously being bald AND wearing a dopey hat of stupidness was epic. Teehee. I'm STILL giggling about that one. Anyway, Merlin beat him there and is waiting for him, and let's just say that our favorite wizard is LESS than happy. Actually, you can say that he's MORE than mad, which, if I know my quadratic formulas correctly, implies that he is equal to furious.

Quick review: Merlin LESS THAN :) AND Merlin GREATER THAN :( THEREFORE Merlin EQUAL TO :[ Either that, or pi equals mc squared. Not sure. It's been a long time since I've taken algebra. Anyway, back on topic, because it's about to get good (and by good, I mean bad…but in an awesome, epic way that only the show Merlin can produce)!

Anyway, back to Merlin's anger at Gaius W. I am going to give you two scenarios, and you guys get to guess which one of them was the real conversation, and which one was the conversation that would have been if  _I_ were Merlin.

Ready?

Scenario #1

MERLIN: (looks mad)  
GAIUS W.: Tell me you didn't think that was funny.  
MERLIN: Okay. I didn't think that was funny.  
GAIUS W.: Seriously? Not even a teeny-weeny bit?  
MERLIN: No. (snorts)  
GAIUS W.: You are a rotten liar.  
MERLIN: Okay, so it was a little funny (bursts out into peals of uncontrollable laughter)…Oh my word, did you see Uther's face? I thought he'd never stop blushing! I have to say, Gaius W., you're pretty rockin'.  
GAIUS W.: Sweet. Wanna be best friends?  
MERLIN: Nah, because Arthur's cooler than you. Besides, I need my old fuddy-duddy of a guardian back. So…bye! AVADA KEDAVRA—begone, you goblin of DOOM, and ne'er return! (moonwalks out of the room) Bow chicka wow wow, chicka wow wow!

Scenario #2

MERLIN: (looks mad)  
GAIUS W.: Tell me you didn't think that was funny.  
MERLIN: (glares at him)  
GAIUS W.: Not even a little bit?  
MERLIN: (continues to glare at him)  
GAIUS W.: A teeny-weeny bit?  
MERLIN: If you carry on like this, you're going to get Gaius killed.  
GAIUS W.: Merlin, you underestimate me. I have cured Uther of his farting and his baldness. Yes, he tells me he is forever in my debt, I am a genius!  
MERLIN: This has to stop!  
GAUIS W.: I see no reason why. Now if you're quite finished, I'm going to the tavern.

I know, I know, guys. This was an insanely difficult, borderline impossible challenge. Many of you will go mad trying to figure out which one is me and which one is Merlin. Be that as it may, it's a risk I'm willing to take.

Anyway. So next Merlin does something  _quite_ silly. He uses magic to close the door just as Gaius W. is about to stroll on out. *sigh* Merlin, Merlin, Merlin. Why on  _earth_  would you let that goblin know that you have magic? Didn't Gaius  _warn_ you that goblins are dangerous? Do you not think that if you present yourself as an actual threat that the goblin will strike out at you? Come on, Merlin, darling! THINK! Poor guy really isn't using the old noggin this episode. He shoulda had a V8 *SMACK*

Gaius W. is like, "Oh, you have a secret, too. Hmmm…well, that's cool…I gotta go find a way to plan your demise now so that you won't hinder me on my mad quest for gold and power, alright? See ya at your funeral!"

Okay, so he  _doesn't_  say that. But he didn't have to. It should have been obvious. *double facepalm*

Merlin tells Gaius W. to leave Gaius's body or he'll regret it, but once again, there's a problem—if he hurts Gaius W., he's hurting Gaius because Gaius W. is inside of Gaius and likes it in there because Gaius's body is fun. *shudder*

Gaius W. reminds Merlin, "I can hurt you," –uses magic to hurl a huge knife right at Merlin's face—"but you can't hurt me without hurting Gaius." Yep. I just covered that, thanks. Uh, the recap was nice I guess. Dramatic. *clears throat*

Merlin tells Gaius W. that he won't rest until he finds a way to force him out of Gaius's body. From the expression on Gaius W.'s face at this news, the news that there is a powerful wizard out hunting for a way to exorcise him out of his fun new body, it seems as if Merlin has risen from a 7.5 on the THREAT-O-GRAM to a big honkin' 10. By the way, on the normal THREAT-O-GRAM, 10 is the highest number. Just thought I'd clarify since they don't sell THREAT-O-GRAMs in Wal-Marts any longer.

After Merlin stalks dramatically out of the room to do something—which we find out a little later is actually trying to find Arthur so he can tell him about Gaius W., presumably—Gaius W. takes a little trip to the library, where he meets up with our little librarian friend, who says that he's been meaning to talk to Gaius about a terrible pain in his leg. Gaius W.'s response? He looks the librarian up and down and says, "It's hardly surprising, when it has to support that enormous gut. Lose some weight, fatty."

Okay, that's mean. I know it is. But, still…I laughed. Hahahahaha! It's one of those things where if you don't laugh, you'll implode trying to keep yourself from laughing. You've heard "If I don't laugh, I'll cry," right? Well, this was more of a case of, "If I don't laugh, I'll die."

Gaius W. trots on his merry way leaving a poor, suddenly weight-conscious librarian to start hunting around the library for a weight-watcher's book.

Gaius W. goes to the secret room where Merlin found him when he was just a wee, green, mean, lean Arthur W.-machine. What? Too much? Sorry.

Remember that magic book that Merlin saw at the beginning of the episode? Well, pay close attention here, because it took me several times watching the episode to make the connection. He picks up the book and leaves with it. THIS WILL COME IN AGAIN VERY SOON.

Meanwhile, Merlin is on the hunt—for Arthur. He's most likely about to either tell the prince that Gaius is a goblin or ask him what the square root of zero is. Arthur comes walking down the hallway, flanked by two tough-looking guards, and Merlin says, "Arthur! I have to talk to you."

I have to admit, I did not see what was coming next. Out of all the sneaky, evil things Gaius W. could have done, I was NOT expecting this! Arthur is looking hurt, confused, and regretful. And then he says, "Arrest him."

The scene broke my heart because the emotions were so real and emotional and so well played and, well, frankly, unexpected in this cheery of an episode, but who cares? When Arthur tells them to arrest Merlin, he looks down and can't seem to look Merlin in the eye. You can SO tell that he is majorly conflicted and that he doesn't want to be in this situation any more than Merlin does. (More on this tirade in the upcoming rant. Stay tuned!)

Merlin looks like he's going to laugh it off and says, "What?" The guards go forward and grab his arms and Merlin says, "Arthur, what are you doing?" The look of betrayal on both Merlin  _and_ Arthur's faces just about drove me to tears! These two incredible actors are killing me here!

The guards follow Arthur into the throne room, where pretty much everyone that matters and a few people who just don't matter are assembled. Merlin is being escorted by both guards. When they reach the king, the guards let him go and Arthur stands off to the side.

Uther seems very ticked off and he asks if Merlin is responsible for the "afflictions" that he and other members of the court have suffered. ("Afflictions"? Come on, Uther be a man and admit that you're a gassy, bald-headed weirdo of DOOM. You were having these problems WAY before Gaius W. came into the picture. OOOH, BURN!) Merlin, yet again, says "What?" This is the third time Merlin has said "what" in this episode. First, it was to Gaius W. Second, it was to Arthur. Third, it was to Uther. And frankly, the usage of the word "what," no matter how sweet it sounded coming from his lips, did him no good. Maybe if he had said something else like, "Whom?" or "Huh?" or "Spider-monkey!" he wouldn't be in this situation.

He says no, but Uther just tells Gaius W. to give him something. It is a magic book, a book of spells, that Gaius W. claims to have found in Merlin's room.

Just to clarify: This is NOT the magic book that Merlin keeps hidden under the floorboard. NOT that magic book. This is the magic book that Gaius W. went and took from the library after calling the librarian fat. He did not really find this book in Merlin's room. The other one is still there, safe and sound. Got it? Okay, good.

Maybe it was just me, but I found that really hard to follow. It took me a while to work that one out, so I thought I'd go into explaining overtime to help you avoid the same fate.

Merlin says that he's lying and that he's not Gaius. My heart went "plop" at his next words. "He's been possessed—by a gob..lin." That little pause between the "gob" and the "lin" was absolutely precious! I just about squeed so loud that Colin Morgan and Bradley James heard it while filming Merlin and said, "What was that?" It was that cute!

Anyway, Merlin tries to convince Uther that Gaius isn't really Gaius but that he's actually Gaius W. Uther isn't buying it, but you can tell by the look on Arthur's face that he WANTS to believe Merlin so badly. Then Uther sentences him to death (bad Uther—BAD!). Which leads me to…

RANT #2

Arthur cares. I've heard so many people say that he's heartless and didn't even seem to care that Merlin was going to be executed. Uh, hello, could you not SEE the agony on his face? He believed Merlin, he cares about Merlin, and he wasn't going to let Merlin die. It's obvious by the way he starts to protest but then stops himself, and by the way he reacted to all that went on. He couldn't very well protest to his father in front of the entire council could he? That would be even worse for Merlin's health! He IS a prince and he DOES have duties, and he can't just outright say "Yo Dad, you STINK!" No, he has to be subtle and get PROOF. If he didn't care, would he have done what we're going to talk about in the next post? I don't think so. And anyway, this episode shouldn't be the deciding factor on how Arthur will react to Merlin. I must say, if Arthur accepts Merlin whenever he does learn the truth without struggling internally with what he's going to do, and maybe even making a few mistakes before realizing how important his friendship with Merlin is, I'm going to be rather disappointed. If Arthur says, "Hey, cool, man, so can you make me taller?" when Merlin reveals his secret, I will be sad because it will be extremely anti-climactic. Okay. Rant over.

Sorry. I've just been wanting to vent this for I don't know how long and you guys seemed like the perfect ventees. Ha!

So they drag Merlin out and Gaius W. does this funny little wave goodbye. I still don't see how NO ONE in the entire room (remember, half of Camelot is there) did not see his smug gesture. Plot hole #2, bless this lovely show. Even if people were focused on the poor, adorable servant being dragged to the dungeons, SOMEONE should have noticed SOMETHING. I mean, come on!

Oh, and just so you know—Morgana was smirking evilly this whole time, but by now it doesn't surprise me, so let's move on.

After getting Merlin sentenced to death, Gaius W. hops over to the tavern and celebrates by picking a fight with Sir Leon, then apologizing and buying him something to drink, and putting something in that drink before giving it to him. *sigh* Gaius W., you're no longer my friend. You crossed the line when you tried to get my Merlin killed, and now you're spiking people's drinks? Heaven help the person who comes into the tavern to find Leon standing on the bar doing a stirring rendition of the Barney song.

In the dungeon, the guard guarding Merlin falls asleep (yay for sleepy slackers!) and Merlin uses magic to make the keys fly to him. Uh, here's a thought—why not use magic to unlock the door and then swipe the keys as you're leaving so it looks like you've stolen the keys to get yourself out? Must you go through all the theatrics of making the keys fly through the air and almost get you caught by clanking on the ground? Of course you must.

With the guards out looking for him, Merlin needs to hide, so of course, he heads on over to Gwen's house and lets himself in.

"Hey, Gwen, I just broke into your house after escaping from the dungeon for breaking the law, and I'm going to chill here for a while. Oh, and if you get caught harboring me, you'll die, too. So what's for breakfast?"

I had to wonder what Merlin was thinking there, but then I remembered what good friends he and Gwen are and how much they've helped each other (although that friendship was all but non-existent in season 2, yay for bringing it back!), and I realized that Gwen has got to be the only person he can trust.

Gwen hears a noise, grabs a candle holder thing after getting out of bed, and about brains Merlin when he pops out from behind her and covers her mouth. She sees that it's him and does a sweet little smile/sigh thing.

And that's where part 2 of Goblin's Gold ends! Tune in next time for Goblin's Gold Episode 3: Gold, Snogging, and Gold Snogging. It's going to be scandalous, you don't want to miss it!

* * *

**Stats:**

**Burn Meter 5000**  
Part 2: Arthur 0, Merlin 0  
This episode so far: Arthur 1, Merlin 1  
Total: Arthur 16, Merlin 13

 **Shirtless Arthur Scenes:**  
Part 2: 0  
This episode so far: 1  
Total: 3

 **Smirk-O-Meter**  
Part 2: 2  
This Episode so far: 2  
Total: 22


	5. Goblin's Gold III

Picking up where we left off, Arthur is informing his father that Merlin escaped because he somehow obtained a set of keys. Do they question  _how_  Merlin acquired the keys? NO, of course not, because it would throw the whole goofy atmosphere of the episode off-balance and pose a question that could take longer than 45 minutes to resolve. I just thought this was a tad silly.

ARTHUR: Uh…hey Pops. Merlin got away.  
UTHER: INCONCIEVABLE!  _How_ was this allowed to happen?  
ARTHUR: He got a set of keys.  
UTHER: How?  
ARTHUR: Uh…I dunno. But it's too complicated to sort out right now, and we'll run out of air time if we address this matter, even if it  _does_ leave a sizeable plot hole in the storyline.  
UTHER: How could you be so irresponsible, Arthur? You know what? I bet you let him go. Yeah, yeah, that's what happened. You secretly like this servant because you think he's all that and a bag of chips, don't you? You want to be BFFs and have sleepovers and gossip about what's up next on  _Wizards of Waverly Place_ , don't you? Arthur, how COULD you be so… (continues rant)  
ARHTUR: Quack.  
UTHER: (screams and faints)  
ARTHUR: (does the electric slide out of the room) Boom bam, baby!

Maybe I'm reading too much into things. Or maybe I'm  _totally_ awesome. Yeah, I think that's it.

Anyway, when Gaius W. finds out that Merlin escaped, he jumps all over Arthur. He's like, " _Escaped?_ How is this allowed to happen?  _Incompetence!_ " Uther and Arthur both just sort of stare at him like his personality has completely changed and that he's most likely possessed by some manner of magical beastie, probably a goblin named Arthur W. that likes to molest poor pieces of gold.

Of course, Uther, the idiot (and NO, this time I am NOT using the word "idiot" as a term of affection, sarcastic or otherwise. I mean it. Uther. Is. An. Idiot. Of. Freaking. Doom. Period.) buys every word. "Of course, my most trusted and closest friend. You're totally right, and speaking out of turn, yelling at royalty, calling us incompetent, not to mention when you slapped my head earlier and accused my ward of being a lying evil she-witch OF DOOM, is nothing to be concerned about. I'm sure that you're not possessed by a goblin or anything; I mean, I know you better than anyone else and this complete switch-a-roo of character is  _nothing_  to be concerned about. Did you hear that? It sounded like a quack. Oh, crap, that stupid duck is watching me again, isn't it?" Then he proceeds to cower behind his throne.

Heh. I'm really milking this antideaphobia thing for everything its worth.

Thankfully, Arthur seems to think there's something a  _little_ fishy about all of this, so even though he agrees to punish the guards for Merlin escaping (what, does Uther think that one of the guards just  _handed_ over the keys?) and search the town for him, he keeps giving Gaius W. these weird glances. This makes me happy because it either means (A) Arthur believed Merlin from the beginning and now he's getting even more proof, (B) Arthur wasn't sure  _what_  to believe but he wanted what Merlin said to be true, and now he's seeing undeniable proof that something is wrong and that Merlin was right, (C) Arthur planned this whole thing as an attempt to start a goblin uprising similar to the house-elf revolution Hermione Granger tried to start, (D) he's staring at Gaius W. because he's got something really gross and raunchy stuck between his teeth, or (E) all of the above.

Back at Gwen's house, Merlin and Gwen are trying to decide how to stop the goblin and save Gaius. Merlin wants to sneak back to Gaius's chambers and see if one of his books has something in it, which leaves me wondering  _why_  he didn't try that in the first place? Oh, yeah, because this next totally amazing conversation wouldn't have occurred (heehee):

GWEN: (looks very eager to help—good girl, Gwen, help save the day!) What can I do? (Well, for starters, you can stop dancing around the subject of how you feel about Arthur when you're around him. Secondly, stop flirting with every blasted hot guy that comes to Camelot—they're  _mine_  (and so is Merlin). Thirdly, you can give Morgana a good, swift kick in the rear. What's that? Oh, you weren't talking to me? You were asking Merlin? Oh. Awk-ward.)  
MERLIN: We need to convince Arthur. (Oh, Merlin, you silly, naïve, adorable boy—he doesn't need convincing. He believes you. You guys are BFFs, remember?) Maybe if you speak to him, he might listen to you. (Doubt it. Arthur doesn't listen to anyone. That's why he's called a royal  _prat_.)  
GWEN: (looks horrified) No, I can't. (Gee, thanks, Gwen. It's nice to see what a good friend you are. And you were so eager to help—it was all a lie, wasn't it? Lies! All lies! Gwen…you have disappointed me. You'd better have a mighty good explanation for this, young ladies, or  _you'll_ be going to reformatory school with Morgana!)  
MERLIN: Why? (Yes, Gwen, why? *leans chin on hand in a cool but also slightly threatening manner* Do tell.)  
GWEN: After what happened in the council yesterday, I'll never be able to look Arthur in the face again. ( _This_  is it?  _That's_ your reason? Geez, Gwen, you're embarrassed of farting in front of him? It'd be different if you were the only one doing it, but the king and the Lady Morgana were joining in on the scratch and sniff party too, so it's okay. I still spoke to my youth leader after I did that in church and I never spontaneously combusted. I think you'll be  _fine_. Wimp.)  
MERLIN: I know, that's embarrassing. (Uh, Merlin…I love you! You made me smile so big there. Not exactly helping your cause, there, but all the same. If Gwen was part of the Burn Meter 5000, it would be point Merlin right there. Maybe if we just pretended it was Arthur instead of Gwen he said that to? No? *sigh* Fine. No point for Team Merlin.)

Merlin finally convinced Gwen to talk to Arthur by saying that if Arthur likes her, he likes her, "warts and farts and all."

Gwen says that she doesn't have any warts, and Merlin says, "So you'll talk to him?"

Gwen gives him this look that says, "Dwonk," but she does agree to talk to Arthur. Even though trying to convince Arthur of the truth is completely unnecessary because Arthur and Merlin are BFFs and Arthur has something up his chainmail (which we'll learn about pretty soon, ha ha), Gwen's going to go talk to him anyway. Of course, I knew she would. How could she resist Merlin and his adorable face, big ears, perfect smile, and those unfathomably beautiful eyes…? I know I couldn't. Heck, he wouldn't have even had to try and convince me. He'd have one word out and I'd be running to go slap some sense into whoever he wanted me to slap. I might even go all out and go ninja all over their sorry butts. What can I say? What a person will do for love and all that jazz, eh?

So.

This next scene starts an awesome domino-effect series of events that puts me in tears—first from tears of "oh my gosh, he DOES care" and then from tears of pure, hysterical, uncontainable laughter. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Ahem. (heehee, we're getting to the REALLY good stuff now, just wait!)

Arthur is in his room, standing at his window and looking out of it. Hee hee, maybe I'm just strange like this, but the way he's got his hands clasped behind him in a little ball makes him look like he's got a little rabbit tail. But we'll find out  _very_  soon that if Arthur's meant to be any animal, it's not a rabbit. (giggle) Gaius W. comes in and Arthur thanks him for exposing Merlin and for ridding him of the "most incompetent, rude, and lazy servant Camelot has ever known."

Now, at first glance, it may seem as if Arthur's just being his normal pratty self. But he's not. He's being his Merlin's BFF pratty self. There's a difference. Not a big one, difference, but still… Not only do we know that he was NOT happy about Merlin being arrested (and he didn't seem too sad when he was telling his dad that Merlin escaped, either), but if you look at his face, he's got this…oh man, I don't know what it is…this… _fire_  or something in his eyes. I mean, he looks like he's about to go all Jackie Chan on Gaius W. If you actually look in his eyes and his "smile," you can see so much tension there that you just know he's gonna snap any minute now and when he does…well, let's just say Gaius W. is going to be S-C-R-E-W-E-D. – that's spelling bee for "screwed."

So Arthur sets his bait. He says in a seemingly casual tone (but again, there's a fire of Gaius W.'s impending DOOM in his eyes!), "When we find him, you'll see him hanged." I bet just the thought of Merlin being hanged makes Arthur's stomach curdle. I know it does mine. And Arthur and I are like-minded, you know. Two peas in a pod. We're the three musketeers minus one musketeer. We are…MERLIN FANS!

Gaius W., the complete and utter moron, falls right into the trap. He says something along the lines of, "I shall look forward to that. Oh, and Arthur – wanna catch the game after the execution? We can hang out and be best buds and do manly stuff together like drive four-wheelers and go hiking and burp. Whaddya say, buddy boy?"

Arthur says that the Gaius he knows would never look forward to seeing Merlin hanged, no matter what he'd done. Well, duh, Arthur. This  _isn't_  the Gaius you know. This is the Gaius you know with a W. tagged onto the end. Thought it would be obvious. Well that, and, like Merlin said, he's also possessed by a goblin.

Arthur draws his sword—where does he get them from? He just pulls them out of nowhere. He points it at the goblin and says five words that made me squee like the poor, pathetic, obsessed, drooling fangirl I am. "Merlin was telling the truth." WOOHOO! I knew it! I KNEW Arthur wouldn't let his bestest buddy down! They've still got so many marvelous and magical adventures to go on—filled with monsters and demon chickens and pirates, because pirates make everything better!

Still, I have to question the wisdom of confronting the goblin in Gaius's body right then and there. Why couldn't he go to his father? I mean, I know he probably would need proof, but at least do it when you're not alone with a goblin that has magic and can turn you into a don—oh wait. *giggle* I'm getting ahead of myself here.

Moving on. *snort*

Gaius W. uses magic to make a vase crack Arthur over the head and knock him out. Then he uses his magic to do something else to Arthur, but we're not told what. *tries not to laugh hysterically* But don't worry—we'll find out what he did soon enough. Hee hee.

Gwen knocks on Arthur's door and hears some strange noise. It sounds like of like a spacewalking pig jumping on a trampoline while gorging itself on chocolate-vanilla pudding of DOOM. How do I know what a spacewalking pig jumping on a trampoline while gorging itself on chocolate-vanilla pudding of DOOM sounds like? I just do. Because I'm awesome like that. Booyah.

When she asks if she can come in, she hears that pudding munching, trampoline pouncing, spacewalking pig of DOOM make another noise and she takes it as, "Come on in, make yourself at home. But…pay no attention to the barnyard animal hiding pathetically behind the bed." *snort*

So she goes in and…*snort*…sees…Arthur…*giggle*…uh…sees him…*tries to smother peals of uncontrollable laughter*…his, eh…

Okay, screw it. I'm not going to try to do a big, dramatic buildup because I'm laughing too hard and besides, it's just so funny I'm going to just go ahead and spit it out.

Arthur is a donkey! *no longer attempts to stop laughing, but instead begins rolling around on the floor, laughing so hard that ribs crack but doesn't stop because Arthur is a donkey*

A donkey.

Well…he's not an entire donkey. Just…*giggle* the ears and…voice of said donkey. *laughs even harder* He, uh…he's so pathetic and adorable and…those big ears…and those brays…and…okay, okay, I can't do this. I just can't. The little whine he does is so precious and I thought, I want an Arthur Pendonkey. It can be mine and Merlin's pet after we get married. Awwww! It's just…epic. *snort*

Gwen scratched him behind the ear and he digs it for a little while, but then realizes that he's acting like a…well, like a donkey…hahahaha! Gwen tells him that Merlin is working on a plan and advises that Arthur stay where he is. What? She's not going to take him down to the stables and let him get some grain or drink from a trough? No bridle or saddle or blanket or horseshoes? Okay, okay, sorry. This is just too perfect.

Ha, the only thing that would make this more perfect would be if Merlin, when he finds out in the next scene, if he says something along the lines of, "See? I always told him he was an ass."

Sadly, this does not occur. But that would have just been…EPIC.

As it is, though, Merlin's reaction is still pretty sweet. And by sweet I don't mean like, "awwww, how precious and sweet Merlin is…" (although he IS precious and sweet and hot and MINE!), but I mean like sweet as in awesome. As in…

Merlin has an extremely difficult time in containing his laughter, kind of like me, but he does a better job of it. I don't know how he was able to say, "Arthur's a donkey?" with such a straight face. I mean, I know you can tell that he's barely restraining the laughter but still…I'd be beating my fist on the table and cackling like…like…something that cackles.

Their conversation goes thus:

MERLIN: Arthur's a donkey? (Yes, Merlin, he's a donkey and oh my goodness, if only you could see it! I mean he's got the huge, soft, epically furry ears of doom, and he's going "hee-HAW!" but it's so pathetic and adorable and when we get married, we're going to adopt an Arthur Pendonkey from the local animal shelter, okay, because he's just that adorable!)  
GWEN: (trying to be serious) He has the ears of a donkey.  
MERLIN: (looks like he's just about to bust out into laughter but does a remarkable job covering it up)  
GWEN: And the voice. (tries not to laugh) H-he's braying. (I know! It's soooo EPIC, right, Gwen? I think we need to start a petition to keep Arthur Pendonkey in Camelot! What do you say? Not only can Arthur be an amazing king to the people of Camelot, but also to the various barnyard animals of the kingdom. Hee-HAW! Heh. Okay, I'll stop. For now. *snort* And after you guys get married (you know, before you cheat on him with your buddy Lance), if he acts up, you can just make him sleep in the stable and he'll fit right in! Ha! Okay, okay, seriously. Now I'm done. Ahem. *snort*)  
MERLIN: (trying with a little less success to keep a straight face) He's…braying. (I know, Merlin, that's what I said! He then proceeds to burst into laughter. Ha!)  
GWEN: It's not funny, Merlin. (Uh, what planet are you from, Gwen the party pooper? It is SO funny—it's epically funny—it's-it's the most epically funny thing of DOOM, that's what it is. So there.)  
MERLIN: No, no of course not. Arthur with the ears (and voice, remember? Hee-HAW!) of a donkey. What's funny about that? (uh, I'm going to have to answer your question, Merlin, with a big, fat, honkin' EVERYTHING!)

They both break out into laughter, which made me laugh even harder. It was a great friend moment between the two of them and it made me realize just how glad I am to have that friendship back in the third season. I'm glad the directors took a hint and gave us some more Merlin and Gwen BFFBNABOFAMAABTAEABFFOD moments! (Just in case you're wondering, BFFBNABOFAMAABTAEABFFOD stands for "Best Friends Forever But Not As Best Of Friends As Merlin And Arthur Because They Are Epically Best Friends Forever Of Doom." Either that, or "Bananas Fight Four Broccoli Ninjas Angrily Beating Oblong Ferrets And Making Artificial Androids Bathe Two Absentminded Earmites At Breakfast For Forever Of Doom." Whichever one you think works best in this context. Whatever.)

Anyway, Gwen finally asks Merlin if he's found anything to get Gaius W. back to being just plain old Gaius without the W. part. Merlin says that if the host body dies, the goblin will die with it. So if Gaius dies, the goblin will be forced to leave Gaius unless it wants to die, too.

Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't this defeat the whole blasted purpose of trying to find a way NOT to kill Gaius? "Yes, Guinevere, we are going to avoid killing Gaius by killing Gaius. Then we'll do lunch. How does Mickey D's sound? I've heard they've got more grease and fat in their big-mac than a professional grease-licker does in all their 600 pounds of body fat!"

Okay, granted, Merlin's plan doesn't actually involve literally killing Gaius, but poisoning him to drive the goblin out and then giving him the antidote.

Merlin has to go back to the secret library room to get the box that the he so foolishly let the goblin out of in the beginning, because apparently goblins can't escape lead and that box is lined with lead. Maybe they're allergic to it? So it stands to reason, if a goblin starts causing you trouble, just pelt it with #2 pencils and you should be fine. And yes, I know pencils are now made with graphite, but they used to be made of lead so get over it. Details, details.

Also, we find out what mischief Gaius W. was up to by spiking Leon's drink at the tavern—turns out it wasn't some sort of acid that made him go all wonky and start trying to serenade his pet chicken with "Baa baa black sheep." Instead, it put all these nasty boils all over his face, which he charged Leon for the antidote. Gee, I bet whenever he  _does_  get the gold from Leon, he'll either (A) lick it, (B) snog it, or (C) we're moving into awkward territory again, so let's just leave it at A and B.

Of course, when the time comes for his plan to actually be put to action, it all goes wrong. SPOILER ALERT FROM SEASON 2 (Beauty and the Beast).

Actually, this episode reminds me a lot of the episode where Uther married a *snort* troll, especially near this part in the end. Both revelation/drive the monster out/etc. plans involved someone being poisoned. In B&B (Beauty and the Beast), it was Arthur, and in GG (Goblin's Gold), it was Gaius. In both, there were mishaps—in B&B, Merlin got knocked over the head with a vase by the trolls weird sidekick thing of doom named Jonas and winds up dropping the antidote on his way to Arthur and breaking the vial and spilling it everywhere and in GG, after the goblin is forced out of Gaius, Merlin, while trying to catch it, knocks the table full of potions over and they get all mixed up and they don't know if the one they gave Gaius is the right one or not. Phew. That was a huge, crazy run-on sentence and as an English major, I apologize profusely because I am getting out of breath just  _looking_  at the thing. Also, everything turns out fine in the end of both, so you can uncover your eyes now. Gaius isn't dead, and Merlin catches Arthur W., the amazing speck of light, in a way not unlike how Harry Potter caught his first snitch. Yep, in the mouth. Harry's feat was still more epic, though. Sorry, Merlin, but that dive from like 50 feet up and the way he stood on his broom and then nearly swallowed the snitch…that was just legendary. But you're still adorable Merlin. Never forget that. *winks*

So yeah. Wow, I actually managed to sum up about ten minutes (more or less) of an episode in one paragraph (albeit, a long one with a lot of run-on sentences). This is a new record for me, considering I normally spend two or three pages on the first two minutes before the title sequence.

After Merlin spits Arthur W. back into his box, you can hear the goblin saying, "Oh, let me out, I promise I won't do it again." Honestly, after what happened at the beginning of the episode, I half expected Merlin to say, "Oh, okay, here you go," and let the bugger out again. Thankfully, though, our gullible yet still completely awesome wizard seems to have learned his lesson.

And yes, like I said, even though there is a dramatic "I don't know which potion is which" panic party, they find it and Gaius is okay. Woohoo! Gaius W. has finally dropped that pesky W. off his name and I have less to type. Yee-HAW! Or as Arthur would say, "Hee-HAW!" Heh heh. Okay sorry. I'll stop. *giggle*

In the throne room, Gaius (yay, Gaius W. is history!) explains to Uther what happened and assures him that Merlin was completely innocent. Of course, the issue of, "How the heck did he steal the keys from within a locked cell without using magic?" is not addressed in the slightest. Gaius advises Uther to seal the goblin somewhere where NO ONE will ever open it again.

Gwen and Arthur meet as they are walking down a corridor and have an awkward conversation where they talk about what's been going on without actually talking about it, both agreeing to never speak of it again. It amazes me how they skirted around using the words "fart," "breaking wind," "platypus breath," "donkey," or "hee-HAW!" They really are a couple of awkward dorks. Gotta love'em! Unless you hate them, so then I guess you gotta hate'em. Unless you're indifferent about them. They you gotta not care about'em. Whatever floats your boat.

Arthur is training with some of his knights while Merlin and Gaius watch. Merlin is complaining about not getting any thanks for reversing Arthur Weasley's magic, but Gaius reminds him that it was Merlin who let it out in the first place, so he really doesn't deserve any thanks. Merlin says that Arthur doesn't need to know it, and Gaius counters that for Merlin's sake, he'd better hope he never finds out.

Meanwhile, Arthur is kicking some serious knight butt. After beating this one knight, Arthur busts out laughing and the other knights join in. Poor knight. He must be so embarrassed. But don't feel too bad for him. *giggle* Arthur gets what's coming to him. In the middle of laughing, Arthur lets out a big, loud, embarrassing "HEE-HAW!" and his knights start laughing at him! Ha! Vindication!

Apparently Merlin hasn't reversed  _all_ the magic yet. Gaius scolds Merlin for not completely curing Arthur yet, but Merlin says, "Just one more day? It's just too good." Point. Merlin.

Gaius and Merlin walk away laughing, and the dragon's voice says,  _"Merlin,"_ and then the preview for the next episode comes on so we know this one has come to an end—three cheers for a happy ending!

* * *

**Stats:**

**Burn Meter 5000:**  
Part 3: Arthur 0, Merlin 1  
This Episode: Arthur 1, Merlin 2  
Total: Arthur 16, Merlin 14

 **Shirtless Arthur Scenes:**  
Part 3: 0  
This Episode: 1  
Total: 3

 **Smirk-O-Meter**  
Part 3: 0  
This Episode so far: 2  
Total: 22


	6. Gwaine I

Our episode starts out with Merlin and Arthur trotting out of the woods and towards a bar. Wait. Let me clarify something here. Merlin and Arthur are on their respective horses, and the horses are trotting. Merlin and Arthur aren't trotting. My man (aka Merlin) and his super hunky sidekick (Arthur) do not  _trot_. Merlin sneaks, scurries, trips, stumbles, and dashes, but he does not  _trot._  And Arthur may strut, swagger, march, run, and skip (come on, you  _know_ he skips when his knights aren't around—skipping is fun and if I were Arthur I'd skip too), but he does not  _trot_.

So the  _horses_ are trotting and Merlin and Arthur are on top of the horses, and therefore trotting by default.

I think I made that WAY more complicated than it needed to be.

Arthur has his crossbow in one hand. Merlin has a dead turkey or some other such edible member of the bird species in one of his hands. Apparently we are supposed to put two and two together and figure out that either Merlin and Arthur just got back from a hunting trip, or Merlin's new pet, Timmy the Turkey has fallen gravely ill, and Arthur just put his life on the line in order to find a physician that can cure poor, ailing Timmy of his feather infestation of doom-like proportions.

I personally figured it was the latter, because I would love to see Merlin's internal struggle as he tries to cope with the fact that despite how far he and Arthur went to save poor Timmy, the bird was destined to die. Merlin would have a heart-wrenching dialogue with Arthur, that goes something like this:

MERLIN: (sniffles) Timmy? TIMMY? NOOOOO, TIMMY!  
ARTHUR: What's wrong,  _Mer_ lin?  
MERLIN: Timmy is…well, he's…I…he's…(defeated whimper) dead.  
ARTHUR: You sure?  
MERLIN: (sniffles) I…think so.  
ARTHUR: (pulls out crossbow) Well, let's just make sure, shall we? (Aims crossbow at Timmy)  
TIMMY: (lets out a weak, pitiful gobble)  
MERLIN: Arthur, wait, he's—  
ARTHUR: (is in the zone, and doesn't hear Merlin—shoots Timmy)  
TIMMY: (dies)  
MERLIN: (whimpers)  
ARTHUR: (pats Merlin on the back) There. Now you know for sure he's dead.  
MERLIN: (glares at Arthur) Timmy…  
ARTHUR: It's okay,  _Mer_ lin, I know you're upset. But don't worry, I know exactly what will make you feel better after your bird-buddy's untimely and horrible death—let's go to a tavern and get ourselves drunk—always makes me feel better when I kill turkeys on the hunt.  
MERLIN: (enthusiastically) Okay!

That would explain all of the context clues we've been given: (1) Arthur with his crossbow out, (2) Merlin with a dead turkey, and (3) their arrival (where they are  _not_ trotting) to a tavern. See? Perfect logic. Tell me you didn't think that was how the episode was going to begin.

Then Arthur the Prat-Master decides to dash all my hopes and expectations for the episode by turning to Merlin and saying, "Do you know what you need after a hard days hunt?"

Darn. So there was no Timmy the Turkey. Unless the turkey Arthur shot on the hunt and made Merlin carry was actually named Timmy, which would be a real coincidence.

By the way, did you know that Colin Morgan (Merlin) is a vegetarian? Sorry, random.

Merlin's response is, "Sleep." I don't blame him. Hunting makes me tired, too. I don't hunt. But writing about Arthur and Merlin hunting makes me exhausted, so I can only imagine how tired those two are.

Arthur has other ideas. "A nice, cold tankard of mead."

Ah, so even though the Timmy the Turkey scenario didn't happen, Arthur's solution is still "get drunk." Hm. That's interesting…I wonder what other advice Arthur can give…

MERLIN: Arthur, I just got shot by the enemy's crossbow. It think I'm dying. What do I do?  
ARTHUR: Get a nice, cold tankard of mead.

UTHER: Arthur, that duck is following me again. It's watching me, I know it! What can I do?  
ARTHUR: Get a nice, cold tankard of mead.

SIR LEON: Arthur, Cenred's men are attacking the kingdom from the east, Morgause is attacking from the west. Mordred is using a plastic kiddy spoon from his Happy Meal to tunnel under the city walls. The Existential Dragon is attacking from the air. We're surrounded on all sides. Camelot is about to fall. What should we do?  
ARTHUR: Get a nice, cold tankard of mead.

EMACHINESCAT: Arthur, I need help with my Algebra homework. What is the square root of pi?  
ARTHUR: Get a nice, cold tankard of mead.  
EMACHINESCAT: *facepalm*

So there you have it. Auntie Arthur's Advice Column—write in if you have a question, and he'll answer in all his wise wisdom and knowledgeable knowledge and junk.

So anyway, as Arthur and Merlin dismount, Arthur says that there's no better place to measure the mood of your people. Uh…how's that again, Arthur?

If I wanted to measure the mood of my people, I'd go somewhere where they aren't, I dunno, drunk out of their minds. I mean, I've never been drunk myself (and heaven help me and anyone else near me if I ever DO somehow manage to consume an alcoholic beverage), but don't people say a load of crap that they don't mean half the time when they're drunk? Either that, or they get really philosophical. And friendly. At least, that's what I've heard.

So if they go into the tavern and a big, hairy, drunk guy says, "I'm in a pink, flowery, sunshiny mood and I want to find a goldfish named Frannie to coddle and snuggle," is that REALLY an accurate measure of his mood? I hope not, for the big, hairy, drunk dude's sake.

Anyway, Merlin seems to have the same reservations I do—he says, "This is one of those moments where I tell you something isn't a good idea but you ignore me, isn't it?" I'd say that calls for a point to Merlin. Pretty sassy if you ask me. I can be sassy too. Merlin and I have so much in common. That's why we're gonna get married. Once we're legally betrothed, we'll spread our likeminded sassiness throughout Camelot and Narnia and Hogwarts and D'hara and Candyland and Arkansas. We'll be known everywhere as the Sassyfrass Kids. Okay, forget it, this is getting beyond the realm of stupidity. It's borderline idiocy.

Uh, where was I?

Right. Merlin got a point for his sassy comment to Arthur. And the conversation/witty banter of doom ensues thusly:

ARTHUR: (grins) You're learning, Merlin. Slowly, but…you're learning. (Oooh, good one! Point Arthur.)  
MERLIN: (makes a face) Stupidhead. (No, Merlin didn't call Artie a stupidhead. But that would've been pretty epic.)  
ARTHUR: Now, remember, in here, you're not my servant. (What is he, then? Your friend? Your distant cousin five times removed? Your pet platypus? Or your father's cousin's uncle's brother's first grade teacher's mother-in-law's ex-plumber of DOOM?) I'm just a simple peasant like everyone else. (A peasant? So stereotypical, not EVERYONE is a peasant. There's the jocks and the cheerleaders and the Goths and the nerds, too—seriously. Ever noticed the high school hierarchy in Camelot? Jocks- Arthur and the knights. Cheerleaders- Gwen and every other girl who falls for the prince. Goths- Merlin (okay, so Merlin's not a Goth but he played one in Dr. Who, well Colin did anyway, so it still counts). Nerds- Gaius. Evil lying she-witches of apocalyptic portions OF DOOM- Morgana and Morgause, the nasties. Sorry. Another rabbit trail.)  
MERLIN: (smirks—oh, no, now he's doing it too! Oh my gosh, it's contagious—Smirky's Syndrome is spreading sporadically! (try saying that five times fast) Curse Morgana for spreading her smirkiness. At least Merlin looks adorkable smirking though. Morgana just looks like she has gas.) The simple part's right. (OOOH, Boo-Yah! Point to the Merlin-ator, the Mervolous Merlin, the Mer-Man (and no he's not part fish. But if he was, he would be an epically awesome half-fish of doom.))  
ARTHUR: What?  
MERLIN: I said, "The sun is very bright."  
ARTHUR: (squints up at the sky) Yeah, yeah it is. (I love the dude, but Arthur is a dwonk, bless him.)

Um, I know this is JUST the beginning of the episode, and that the title sequence hasn't even THOUGHT about coming on yet, but this is all I can muster for now—I am so flipping busy, you'd think I was Merlin on one of Arthur's bad days! Geez. My schoolwork, my health, and my unhealthy obsession and determination to write a 50,000 word novel in 30 days have all co-collaborated toward the common goal of stealing every precious second of time I have! It's a conspiracy!

* * *

**Stats:**

**Burn Meter 5000:**  
Part 1: Arthur 1, Merlin 2  
This Episode so far: Arthur 1, Merlin 2  
Total: Arthur 17, Merlin 16

 **Shirtless Arthur Scenes:**  
Part 3: 0  
This Episode so far: 0  
Total: 3


	7. Gwaine II

Before we begin in earnest, Auntie Arthur has an answer to give for the brave soul that wrote in to his advice column in a review of chapter seven. Here was the plea for help by a brave woman named TIANNE:

_Dear Auntie Arthur_

_I have a problem I hope you can help me with._

_You see..._

_* bravely stands up *_

_"My name is Tianne and I am an Emachinescatoholic!"_

_Oh Auntie Arthur- what am I to do? I can't get enough of this awesomeness- on -toast- with- awesome- sauce literary masterpiece but... * gulp * ... the demands of NaNoWriMo and recovery from the Mono of Doom on the author of awesomeositude have decreed that I shall not get my fix until November._

AUNTIE ARTHUR: Get a nice, cold tankard of mead.

...*crickets chirp*...

EMACHINESCAT: Really, Arthur?  _That's_ your advice? For that amazing, wonderful, touching review of astounding awesomeositude? You're going to tell her to get  _drunk_? What am I going to do with you?  
AUNTIE ARTHUR: Get a nice, cold tankard of mead.  
EMACHINESCAT: I give up. Tianne: you are epically amazing and I love you to pieces! Here's your fix!  
AUNTIE ARTHUR: Can we go to the tavern now? I fear I'm getting sober and I have to face my problems when I'm sober.  
EMACHINESCAT: Shut up.  
AUNTIE ARTHUR: Yes, Mistress.  
EMACHINESCAT: *grins evilly and sharpens machete*

Uh...right. On to the episode, what ho!

**GWAINE**

Our episode starts out with Merlin and Arthur trotting out of the woods and toward a bar. Wait. Let me clarify something here. Merlin and Arthur are on their respective horses, and the horses are trotting. Merlin and Arthur _aren't_ trotting. My man (aka Merlin) and his super hunky sidekick (Arthur) do not  _trot_. ((Oh, and yeah, I went so far as to call Artie a sidekick but the show IS called "Merlin" so what now, Team Arthur? *ducks to avoid a dagger thrown by Team A's captain* Geez, you Arthur lovers are  _violent_. Gosh!)) Merlin sneaks, scurries, trips, stumbles, and dashes, but he does not  _trot._  And Arthur may strut, swagger, march, run, and skip (come on, you _know_  he skips when his knights aren't around—skipping is fun and good for your pancreas and if I were Arthur I'd skip too), but he does not  _trot._

So the  _horses_  are trotting and Merlin and Arthur are on  _top_  of the horses, and therefore are trotting by default.

I think I made that WAY more complicated than it needed to be.

Arthur has his crossbow in one hand. Merlin has a dead turkey or some other such edible member of the bird species in one of his hands. Apparently we are supposed to put two and two together and figure out that either Merlin and Arthur just got back from a hunting trip, or Merlin's new pet, Timmy the Turkey, has fallen gravely ill, and Arthur just put his life on the line in order to find a physician that can cure poor, ailing Timmy of his feather infestation of doom-like proportions.

I personally figured it would be the latter, because I would love to see Merlin's internal struggle as he tries to cope with the fact that despite how far he and Arthur went to save poor Timmy, the bird was destined to die. Merlin would have a heart-wrenching dialogue with Arthur, that goes something like this:

MERLIN: (sniffles) Timmy? TIMMY? NOOOOO, TIMMY!  
ARTHUR: What's wrong,  _Mer_ lin?  
MERLIN: Timmy is...well, he's...I...he's...(defeated whimper) dead.  
ARTHUR: You sure?  
MERLIN: (sniffles) Well...I...I think so.  
ARTHUR: (pulls out crossbow) Well, let's just make sure, shall we? (aims crossbow at Timmy)  
TIMMY: (lets out a weak, pitiful gobble)  
MERLIN: Arthur, wait, he's—  
ARTHUR: (is in the zone, and doesn't hear Merlin—shoots Timmy)  
TIMMY: (dies)  
MERLIN: (whimpers)  
ARTHUR: (pats Merlin on the back) There. Now you know for sure he's dead.  
MERLIN: (glares at Arthur) Timmy...  
ARTHUR: It's okay,  _Mer_ lin, I know you're upset. But don't worry, I know exactly what will make you feel better after your bird-buddy's untimely and horrible death at my uncaring hands—let's go to a tavern and get ourselves drunk out of our minds—always makes me feel better when I kill turkeys on the hunt.  
MERLIN: (enthusiastically) Okay!

That would explain all of the context clues we've been given: (1) Arthur with his crossboy out, (2) Merlin with a dead turkey, and (3) their arrival (where they are  _not_  trotting) to a tavern. See? Perfect logic. Tell me you didn't think that was how the episode was going to begin.

Then Arthur the Prat-Master decides to dash all my hopes and expectations for the episode by turning to Merlin and saying, "Do you know what you need after a hard day's hunt?"

Darn. So there was no Timmy the Turkey. Unless the turkey Arthur shot on the hunt and made Merlin carry was actually named Timmy, which would be a real (and awesome) coincidence.

By the way, did you know that Colin Morgan (Merlin) is a vegetarian? Sorry, random.

Merlin's response is, "Sleep." I don't blame him. Hunting makes me tired, too. I don't hunt. But writing about Arthur and Merlin hunting makes me exhausted, so I can only imagine how tired those two are.

Arthur has other ideas. "A nice, cold tankard of mead."

Ah, so even though the Timmy the Turkey scenario didn't happen, Arthur's solution is still "get drunk." Hm. That's interesting...I wonder what  _other_  advice Arthur can give...

MERLIN: Arthur, I just got shot by the enemy's crossbow. I think I'm dying. What do I do?  
ARTHUR: Get a nice, cold tankard of mead.

UTHER: Arthur, that duck is following me again. It's watching me, I know it! What can I do?  
ARTHUR: Get a nice, cold tankard of mead.

SIR LEON: Arthur, Cenred's men are attacking the kingdom from the east, M&M are attacking from the west. Mordred is using a plastic kiddy spoon from his Happy Meal to tunnel under the city walls. The Existential Dragon is attacking from the air. We're surrounded on all sides. Camelot is about to fall. What should we do?  
ARTHUR: Get a nice, cold, tankard of mead.

EMACHINESCAT: Arthur, I need help with my Algebra homework. What is the square root of pi?  
ARTHUR: Get a nice, cold tankard of mead.  
EMACHINESCAT: *facepalm*

MORGANA: Arthur, there's a crazed fan-fiction writer stalking me and sending me nasty letters that call me an evil lying she-witch of DOOM and threatening to kill me with a blunt butter knife! I'm scared, what do I do?  
ARTHUR: Heh, good for her, serves you right you nasty...uh, I mean, get a nice, cold tankard of mead.

So there you have it. Auntie Arthur's Advice Column—write in if you have a question, and he'll answer in all his wise wisdom and knowledgeable knowledge and junk.

So anyway, as Arthur and Merlin dismount, Arthur says that there's no better place to measure the mood of your people. Uh...how's that again, Arthur?

If I wanted to measure the mood of  _my_  people (and  _yes_ , I  _do_  have people, they're just invisible), I'd go somewhere where they aren't, I dunno, drunk out of their minds. I mean, I've never been drunk myself (and heaven help me and anyone else near me if I ever DO somehow manage to consume an alcoholic beverage), but don't people say a load of crap that they don't mean half the time when they're drunk? Either that, or they get really philosophical. And friendly. At least, that's what I've heard.

So if they go into the tavern and a big, hairy, drunk guy says, "I'm in a pink, flowery, sunshiny mood and I want to find a goldfish named Frannie to coddle and snuggle," is that REALLY an accurate measure of his mood? I sure hope not, for Frannie the Fish's sake.

Anyway, Merlin seems to have the same reservations I do—he says, "This is one of those moments where I tell you something isn't a good idea but you ignore me, isn't it?" I'd say that calls for a point to Merlin. Pretty sassy if you ask me. I can be sassy too. Merlin and I have so much in common. That's why we're gonna get married. Once we're legally betrothed, we'll spread our likeminded sassiness throughout Camelot and Narnia and Hogwarts and D'hara and Candyland and Arkansas. We'll be known everywhere as the Sassyfrass Kids. Okay, forget this, it's going beyond the realm of stupidity. It's borderline idiocy.

Uh, where was I?

Right. Merlin got a point for his sassy comment to Arthur. And the conversation/witty banter of doom ensues thusly:

ARTHUR: (grins) You're learning, Merlin. Slowly, but...you're learning. (Oooh, good one! Point Arthur.)  
MERLIN: (makes a face) Stupidhead. (No, Merlin didn't call Artie a stupidhead. But that would've been pretty epic.)  
ARTHUR: Now, remember, in here, you're not my servant. (What is he, then? Your friend? Your distant cousin five times removed? Your pet platypus? Or your father's cousin's uncle's brother's first grade teacher's mother-in-law's ex-plumber of DOOM?) I'm just a simple peasant like everyone else. (A  _simple_  peasant? So stereotypical, not EVERYONE is a peasant. There's the jocks and the cheerleaders and the emo kids and the nerds, too—seriously. Ever noticed the high school hierarchy in Camelot? Jocks- Arthur and the knights. Cheerleaders- Gwen and every other girl who falls for the prince. Emo kids- Merlin (okay, so Merlin's not an emo kid but he played one in Dr. Who, well Colin did anyway, so it still counts) Nerds- Gaius. Evil lying she-witches of apocalyptic portions OF DOOM- Morgana and Morgause, the bad, rotten bag of M&Ms. Sorry. Another rabbit trail.)  
MERLIN: (smirks—oh, no, how he's doing it too! Oh my gosh, it's contagious—Smirky's Syndrome is spreading sporadically! (try saying that five times fast) Curse Morgan for spreading her smirkiness. At least Merlin looks adorkable smirking though. Morgana just looks like she has gas.) The simple part's right. (OOOH, Boo-Yah! Point to the Merlin-ator, the Mervolous Merlin, the Mer-Man (and no he's not part fish. But if he was, he would be an epically awesome half-fish of doom.))  
ARTHUR: What?  
MERLIN: I said, "The sun is very bright." (Suuuure you did, Merlin.)  
ARTHUR: (squints up at the sky) Yeah, yeah it is. (Heehee, I love Arthur but he can be a bit thick at times, bless him.)

They enter the tavern, and what do you know? It's full of a bunch of loud, drunk people. Alright, Arthur, old buddy, get out your measuring tape and get to work. I want you to have the mood of your people measured accurately by the end of this episode. And if you don't, I'll take five points from Gryffindor. Oh wait. Crap...crossover.

When they sit down at a table, a barmaid comes up and asks for their order. Before Arthur can even get it out, though, the woman interrupts. Her interruption goes like this: "Mmmm...you're a handsome fellow."

Wow, forward there, aren't we, Ms. Flirty McFlirts-A-Lot? Gosh, you're almost as bad as Gwen...oh whoops, I forgot...she's not a flirt, she's just a nice person and  _everyone_  loves her. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And no, I'm not jealous that she has gotten to kiss Lancelot, Arthur,  _and_ Merlin. Not. At. All. *twitches* ((Seriously, can I _please_  switch places with Angel Colby for one day? I mean, she's kissed that Santiago guy, Bradley James,  _and_ *faints*  _Colin Morgan_.))

Arthur, being the wonderfully modest fellow that he is, responds with, "Well, you wouldn't be the first to say..."

Wow. Arthur. *puts face in hands* You  _really_ are quite the humble charmer, aren't you?

ARTHUR: Well, you wouldn't be the first to say that.  
EMACHINESCAT: That was SARCASM, you  _idiot!_  Geez, despite your strategic and witty, often sarcastic mind, you have really got to be the thickest bonehead I've met sometimes.  
ARTHUR: Well, you wouldn't be the first to say that.  
EMACHINESCAT: Uh...Arthur...that  _wasn't_ a compliment.  
ARTHUR: Well, you wouldn't be the first to say that.  
EMACHINESCAT: What the...? *rolls eyes* Oh, never mind. I think he's doing this just to annoy me because I made fun of his advice column earlier. REAL MATURE,  _AUNTIE_ ARTHUR! Princes, they're such divas. Honestly. Ppphht.

Uh, back to the plot.

When Arthur so modestly tells the barmaid that she's not the first to say that he's handsome, he gets BURNED so bad that his deluded daddy and she-witch sister said, "OWIE, that's HOT!" The barmaid looks seductively at Merlin and says, "Oh sorry...I was talking about your friend here."

HAHAHAHAHA! Oh, man, Arthur, you just got SERVED (and not the nice, cold tankard of mead like you were hoping for, either, hehe). How does it feel, my arrogant yet hunky friend, to finally have someone tell you that your manservant is the cutest thing on the face of this earth? What now, Team Arthur? What do you have to say about  _that_? *screams, runs, and ducks as flaming arrows are shot at me* Oookay. Moving on.

After she leaves, Merlin gives Arthur a look and says that he was wrong, that it was a great idea coming here. Another point for Merlin, attaboy!

Then the door to the tavern opens and this big, burly, scary looking dude walks in and (heeheehee) we get our first glimpse of Gwaine as the gorgeous man turns in his chair to see who just entered. *faints*

Gwaine's here! Gwaine, hi Gwaine! Hey Gwaine, when you're done being on Merlin, why don't you come over to my place and we'll have a party for awesome people? Merlin, Lance, Arthur, and Jack Sparrow will be there too and we'll have microwavable burritos and pixie sticks and we'll play Twister and watch scary movies like _Snow White and the Seven Dwarves_  (what? That movie scared the crap out of me when I was little, and I've refused to watch it since.)

So the guy comes in and basically tries to rob the place, pulling a knife on Mary, the barmaid that flirted with Merlin (I would've been jealous but I was too busy laughing at the incredulous look on Arthur's face, haha). Arthur comes to her rescue (despite being an arrogant prat sometimes, he's an awfully good person that always wants to help people—remember, just because I give him a hard time doesn't mean I don't like him. I do—I invited him to the party for awesome people, didn't I?).

The guy tries to punch him, Arthur ducks and shoves him into a wall. The guy is all like, "I'm going to make you  _pay_  for that." What? So he's going to steal Arthur's lunch money? Wow, what a typical bully, I'm  _telling_ you, Camelot is really just a high school in disguise. Oh wait...what's that? Oh  _pay_ for that, he wasn't saying he was going to steal Arthur's money, but he's going to get revenge for that...Oooh, okay. *giggles* Whoops. Silly ol' me.

So anyway, when he says, "I'm going to make you pay for that," Merlin, in all his big-mouthedness, chuckles and says, "I'd like to see you try." Oh dear. This can't bode well for Merlin and Arthur. Hasn't Merlin ever heard of Murphy's Law?  _Anything that_ can  _go wrong,_ will _go wrong._ It's the way the universe works. It's the same type of situation as when someone says, "This has been the  _worst_ day ever." And then their companion will say, "Well, at least it's not raining." And then, lo and behold, even if it is the sunniest day planet Earth has ever seen with not a trace of clouds in the sky, the heavens will open up and not only will it rain, but it will storm, and more than likely someone will get struck by lightening and twitch a lot. It's just the natural order of things. Don't say anything is going good, or say that you'd like to see someone try to do something, because the universe delights in proving you wrong. Just in case you  _still_  don't understand the full concept of Murphy's Law, here is a little dialogue that I thought up to help illustrate it for you:

ARTHUR: Ah, Father! How has your day been?  
UTHER: Fabulous. I've burnt three of our most productive citizens, hung a couple of people that were sick but suddenly got well again too quickly for it not to have been magic, and drowned some innocent children. It's been quite a lovely day, and not a duck in sight. I'm telling you, Arthur, things have never looked so good.  _Nothing_ can spoil this incredible day for me! (The heavens open up and bucket loads of ducks fall from the sky and start staring at Uther.)  
DUCKS: Quack.  
UTHER: (squeals like a little girl and jumps into Arthur's arms. Faints.)  
ARTHUR: You were saying?

See what I mean? Maybe I over-explained it a bit, but all I'm trying to say here is not to tempt fate. This is what Merlin just did by saying, "I'd like to see you try."

The big bald ugly dude, who we find out later is named Dagr, whistles and about twenty or so other rough, tough, destroy the world type men come into the tavern and stand ready to attack. Arthur shoots Merlin a withering glare and says, "You  _had_ to open your  _big_  mouth, didn't you, Merlin?"  _Thank you_ , Arthur—sometimes I think you are justified in saying "Merlin, you idiot." I love the kid (a lot) but he does need to learn when not to talk (I can't say much, though, because I still haven't learned that myself, heehee). So yeah, point Arthur for that  _lovely_  bit of sarcasm.

And then...DA DA DA DAAAAAA—Gwaine enters the scene and I faint from his amazingness of DOOM! Seriously, this guy should just be able to go up to someone he doesn't like, smolder at them a bit, and they would faint or spontaneously combust from the sheer gloriousness that is Gwaine.

GWAINE: (swaggers into the shot with a tankard of mead in his hand (apparently he, too, has been writing for advice to Auntie Arthur)) You two have got yourselves in a bit of a pickle...haven't you? (Yes, Gwaine, they're in a pickle but they need to get out of that pickle and only your incredibleness can help them break out of the pickle—because they can't very well pick up Lance and accompany you to my awesome people party if they're inside of a smelly Dill Pickle (yes, I happen to HATE pickles) and then we'll only have two people for full contact Twister and that's no fun!)  
ARTHUR: You should get out of here while you have the chance. (No, Arthur, stop being so noble and let Gwaine the Gorgeous get you out of that pickle!)  
GWAINE: You're probably right. (Takes a swig of the mead, hands it to Dagr, who looks down at it with an expression that either says, "For  _me_?" or "What the heck?" or "No woman will give me the time of day so I bought a hamster named Barbara and she licks my bald head as I'm going to sleep at night." Okay, let me get back on track here (sorry, I'm notorious for rabbit-trails but I can't help it. I have digress-itis.) Gwaine hands the Bald One the tankard of mead, and the man looks down at it with a bemused expression on his face. And then...Gwaine punches him in the face! Hahahahaha! Oh my fishsticks, I LOVE this man! He's got this swashbuckling, Captain Jack Sparrow feel to him, with his love of the drink and quirky sense of humor, crazy ideas! Is it legal to marry two fictional characters in the state of Tennessee? If not, if you could let me know where it  _is_  legal, I'll move there and take Merlin and Gwaine with me because I love them both too much for words!)

And then...

BAR BRAWL!

I always LOVE a good bar brawl, with lots of smashing and punching and kicking and yelling...granted, I have yet to see a bar brawl scene that even comes  _close_  to matching that of the one in the second  _Pirates of the Caribbean_ movie, when Jack was running around, grabbing people's hats off of their heads and trying them on in the middle of the fight, and that ended with Elizabeth smashing a bottle over Norrington's head and the uppity ex-commander getting thrown into the pig slop...

Oh wait. We're talking about Merlin here. Not Pirates. Gotcha.

Even though there has yet to be a rival of the bar fight scene in Pirates 2, this one is still pretty epic. There's lots of kicking, bashing, smashing, Merlin making things fly across the room and hit people, yelling, and, of course, the customary bar brawl music to accompany it.

Something I found really funny, though—there was a part where Arthur got grabbed by some dude and was pinned down to a table, pretty much at the guy's mercy. He looks over and sees Merlin in trouble and has enough time to yell, "Merlin, behind you!"  _and_ to watch until he was sure that his servant was out of danger before the guy holding him down even  _thinks_ about attacking him further. What a kind, considerate thug, allowing Arthur the time to check up on his BFF like that before attempting to obliterate him.

The best part of the brawl (and yes, I know, this is taking a ridiculously long time to even get to the opening credits but there's SO much to talk about and I promised you a whole episode, didn't I?) is something that I just can't describe so I'm going to just give it to you straight up.

MERLIN: (behind the counter, just knocked some man flat on his rear with a bunch of flying saucers (literally))  
GWAINE: (runs up, gestures behind the counter) Pass the jug.  
MERLIN: (passes the jug)  
GWAINE: (takes a swig from the giant jug of mead)  
SOME RANDOM DUDE: (runs up behind him about to attack)  
GWAINE: Oi! (spins around, punches the guy full on the face, turns back to Merlin) What do they call you then?  
MERLIN: Merlin. (Well, that may be what  _they_  call him, but  _I_ call him Merlin the Magnificent, Merlin the Grand, Merlin the Adorable, Merlin the Sometimes-Idiotic but Always Amusing...)  
GWAINE: Gwaine. (I call him Gwaine the Gorgeous, heehee, he shakes Merlin's hand) Pleasure to meet you.  
ANOTHER RANDOM DUDE: (runs up behind him about to attack)  
GWAINE: (spins around and  _clobbers_  the guy with the jug of mead, breaking it and spilling the contents everywhere.) Such a waste, eh? (Runs off)

Oh my gosh, have I mentioned that I LOVE this guy? He's so...*sigh*

Meanwhile, Arthur and Dagr are still at it (gee, for someone who is supposed to be this epic fighter, it's sure taking Arthur a long time to gain the advantage...oh wait, I forget...he doesn't have his sword on him because he's not a prince...he's just a simple peasant like everyone else, well the simple part, at least. Heh.)

But then Dagr decides to play dirty and throws Arthur to the side and while he's struggling to get up, pulls out a knife. Gwaine the Gorgeous immediately intercedes, rushing the dirty rotten cheater and getting stabbed in the leg for his trouble.

NOOOOOO! GWAINE! At this point, I'm hyperventilating, because if he dies, he won't be able to make it to my awesome people party and Super Extreme Mad-Libs just won't be the same without him and his quirky sense of humor. *bites nails* We need a medic here, STAT! *frets*

So they put Dagr in the stocks (apparently they keep a set of stocks outside the tavern just in case someone decides they're going to act up) and sling Gwaine's limp body over one of their horses, and announce to the whole bloody crew that Arthur is Prince Arthur of Camelot and not Arthur the Simple Peasant Like Everyone Else. Smooth move, Arthur. Because you know what? Dagr gets this absolutely  _livid_  expression on his _charming_ face (sarcasm was employed here) and you can hear him mutter behind the apple in his mouth, "Arthur!"

I don't know about you guys, but at this point, I could already see that twisted hamster in his head start running its stubby little legs, turning those wheels, as Dagr started thinking of a plan. Uh oh. This  _can't_ be good. And now, dear friends, it is time for a friendly little letter to our beloved prince.

_Dear Nincompoop I mean Arthur,_

_I love you dearly, Prince Arthur, but in this episode, you are being quite a dolt. Yes, I understand that you want to reassure these people. But there is an angry – no, scratch that, he's more along the lines of downright murderous – dude glaring at you from the stocks (which_ you _put him in, mind you), and in case you couldn't tell, the guy is positively itching for revenge. So why don't you just go and announce to the whole freaking world that you are Prince Arthur of Camelot? This guy now is going to totally skip over his long and drawn out Facebook stalker plan and get right to the revenge part now that you've so kindly told him exactly who you are, and by default, where you freaking live! Goodness! Please don't take my words too harshly, I mean them with the most sincere love and affection, you ninny of DOOM!_

_Cheers,_

_Emachinescat_

_P.S. - You might want to start treating Merlin a little better. Or Morgana won't be the only one who has got a crazed fan-fiction writer after her with a blunt butter knife. Just sayin'. Watch your back there, bub, cause rest assured, I'm watching it too. *creepy, horror movie music* Hee hee hee..._

And now, the opening credits!

Back in Camelot, Arthur and Merlin bring Gwaine the Gorgeous to Gaius's chambers, but instead of putting him in the sick bed, they stick him in Merlin's. Why? No clue. Where's Merlin going to sleep? No clue. Does anyone but me care? Guess not.

Arthur is concerned about Gwaine because "The man saved my life, Gaius." He then proceeds to tell Gaius that he should be given anything he needs. Heehee, something tells me that this is going to be another one of those Murphy's Law moments and that Arthur's words are going to come back and bite our princely friend on his royal behind.

The next morning, Gwaine the Gorgeous wakes up and he is shirtless...and I'm sorry Team Arthur fans, but one shirtless Gwaine is equal to at  _least_  ten shirtless Arthurs. I'm sorry, guys, but it's the honest truth. The man is called Gwaine the Gorgeous (mainly by me, but still) for a reason. *sighs romantically*

Merlin enters with a tray of breakfast for Gwaine and they have a conversation in which we find out that Gwaine detests nobles and wants nothing to do with them, even though Uther himself wants to thank him and more than likely give him a reward. I don't exactly blame the guy for that last one, though, because I don't think I'd want to get a reward from Uther Poo-dragon either. After all, Merlin, too, saved Arthur's life and Uther was the one who gave him his reward - "Oh goody goody gumdrops,  
Merlin, you get to be my can-do-no-wrong son's manservant. You'll get to clean his room, muck his horses, get shoved around and teased relentlessly by him, be used as a practice dummy, and if you're really,  _really_  lucky, you might even get to scrub his dirty underpants! Isn't that  _exciting_?" So it's no wonder Gwaine doesn't want a reward from Uther. He'd probably make him something even stupider than Arthur's servant, like court jester, a pet monkey, or (far, far stupider)  _Uther's_  servant. *shudders* Good call, Gwaine, my gorgeous friend. Very good call indeed. Ha.

Merlin asks why Gwaine helped them, and Gwaine's response is, "Your chances were between slim and none. I, uh, I guess I just kind of like the look of those odds." *squee!* Did I mention that I totally love this rogue, Cap'n Jack type, rough tough save the world type man of DOOM (and gorgeousness)? Well, I do. Very, very much.

In Arthur's chambers a little later, we find out that there is to be a melee (and you do not know  _how_  long it took me to figure out how to spell that stupid word, and even now I'm not convinced that I spelled it right – even Open Office has declared with its squiggly red lines that I didn't spell it right but I'm keeping it "melee" anyway because I'm too lazy to look it up) in Camelot. For those of you, not unlike me, who scratched your scalps and asked, "What the heck is a melee?", Merlin answers that question and another awesome dialogue between our favorite master and servant ensues.

MERLIN: Oh, yeah. The tournaments where the knights ride around, hitting each other with blunt weapons for no good reason. (Merlin seems rather amused by the thought of this, and I don't blame him. I don't really see the point in it either, but then again, I still don't understand the reason for  _Twilight_  or warning labels on irons that say "Warning: Hot. Do not iron clothes while on body," so maybe I just haven't learned enough about the world to say for sure.)  
ARTHUR: There's a little more to it than that. (Really, Arthur? Do tell...and while you're at it, could you let me know why vampires sparkling is supposed to be super-sexy? I still don't understand it.)  
MERLIN: Really? All I've ever seen is people getting the seven bells knocked out of them so that the last man standing can be called a winner. (Ah, so a melee is kind of like full-contact Scrabble. I gotcha. Oh, and point Merlin for sarcasm.)  
ARTHUR: The melee is the ultimate test of strength and courage. (Um, no, the ultimate test of strength and courage is when someone willingly walks into a Justin Beiber concert without screaming and running away in terror.)  
MERLIN: You sure we're talking about the same thing?  
ARTHUR: I wouldn't expect you to understand; you're not a knight. (Darn right he's not! He's a warlock, and if you would actually just open your eyes and look around you for once, you might actually figure it out, you unobservant hunk!)  
MERLIN: Well, if it means I don't get clobbered round the head (snorts), I'm glad of it. (Heehee, don't speak too soon, Merlin, you know, because, as I've said before, you're just going to jinx yourself. *sigh* How come, no matter how loudly I yell at the screen, none of the characters  _ever_  listen to me? Ah, well. Point Merlin.)  
ARTHUR: I'm afraid it doesn't. (Grabs a tin cup and throws it across the room and it hits Merlin in the back of the head. That was NOT nice, Arthur! But, alas, fair is fair, so I guess Arthur gets a point for that.)  
EMACHINESCAT: Arthur, what did I tell you about being mean to Merlin? Do you  _want_ me to come after Morgana  _and_ you with a blunt butter knife? Because I'll do it. Did you not read the letter I wrote at all? What do you have to say for yourself?  
ARHTUR: Get a nice, cold tankard of mead?  
MERLIN: Arthur, that was  _so_  uncalled for!  
ARTHUR: Your face is uncalled for!  
MERLIN: Oh yeah? Well, you know what ELSE is uncalled for? My fist in your face, that's what!  
EMACHINESCAT: Oi. *rubbing temples* Do you  _see_  what I have to put up with. *marching toward Arthur and Merlin* Okay, break it up, you two. Arthur, stop chucking things at Merlin. Merlin, put  _down_  the chainsaw, now, and NO, Arthur, you  _can't_  stuff Merlin's head in the toilet! Geez.

Wonder if you guys can figure out what part of the conversation that I added in there. Heehee.

The next scene I'm not going to go too terribly deep into because it doesn't have Merlin, Arthur, or Gwaine the Gorgeous in it. Actually, it's quite similar to the scene in "Valiant" where Knight Valiant buys the enchanted shield from the magic guy and kills him after he takes it.

Dagr and an accomplice (from what I could tell, his name was Ebor but I could be wrong so don't quote me or even paraphrase me on that) go to this black market magic merchant (try saying that five times fast, it's a LOT harder than it looks!) because they want to infiltrate the melee and get revenge on Arthur for humiliating them at the tavern and putting Dagr in the stocks. Goodness, how petty. It's a good thing Merlin doesn't go on a murderous rampage every time Arthur puts him in the stocks, or there'd be no one left in Camelot. Although I just realized – we haven't seen Merlin in the stocks since season two... or was it one? I can't remember if he got put into the stocks any in the second season or not...hmmm... Oh right, as their friendship progresses, Arthur moves on from having a bunch of random people throw rotten food at Merlin and upgrades to personally dumping buckets of dirty water on his head and throwing heavy dishes at his back. He's  _such_  a good friend. (Sarcasm OVERLOAD there.)

Okay...I totally lost track of where I was going there. Oh right... Dagr and Ebor out to get revenge. So they get two swords, stalum blades, as they're called, which look blunt but are actually  _very_  sharp. They also obtain some magic crystals that, when touched by the blood of a person, cause the wearer to look just like said person.

And then, of course, they pay the guy for his merchandise by killing him with the stalum blades. What wonderful payment. I'd sure want to work for them, they give such excellent wages. I'll bet they put their secretaries on the rack or, if they're feeling extra generous, might give them a raise and chop their heads off. Lovely gents. Real charmers. Forget Gwaine the Gorgeous and Merlin the Magnificent, I want to marry Dagr the Dirty and Ebor the E...E...Elephant? Sorry, I couldn't come up with anything else. Well, I guess "evil" might have worked, but "elephant" sounds so much cooler. Exotic, you know? Okay, fine. Ebor the Evil Elephant...OF DOOM. How's that? Is it working for you? Good, because that is now his name. (Oh by the way, that was 1000 percent sarcasm, I would NEVER marry an elephant. What do you take me for, an elo-phile?)

Alright, so back to the good stuff! Gwaine is waking up yet again (still lacking a shirt) and gets up and stares out the window, gazing at Camelot. Awww, he's a romantic at heart...how precious!

The next thing we know, Gwaine's sauntering down the streets of Camelot, looking at all the pretty girls he sees as he goes along. And then, of course (she said bitterly), he sees Gwen and he is instantly smitten.

I just have to ask—what  _is_  it with all of the amazing, good-looking guys falling head over heels for Gwen? I'm not saying that she's not pretty, because she is, but  _why_  does every single man on the show have eyes for her? First Merlin, then Lancelot, then (and now) Arthur, and now Gwaine. Is she EVERYONE's type? Grrr... and  _no_ I'm  _not_  jealous... *sigh*

Anyway, he flirts with her shamelessly, and I must say, he is very skilled in the flirtatious arts. He grabs a flower from the basket of a woman walking by and tries to give it to Gwen, putting it in her hair, and guessing that she is a princess named Esmeralda (uh, are we in  _The Hunchback of Notre_ _Dame_  here or something? Because I was pretty sure we were in Camelot) and bows to her. Eventually, after being rejected several times (how could she resist his charm? I still don't understand!), he says something like, "This isn't working, is it?" and she says, "No, but I liked that you tried and that you know when to give up." With that, she takes the flower out of her hair, gives it back to him, and walks off. Heehee, as much as I love Gwaine, I have to say, that was pretty epic, Gwen. Apparently someone has been spending a little too much time with Arthur, the Prince of Sarcasm. Ha. He puts the flower in his mouth and swaggers off again.

Well, since we haven't heard anything from Dagr the Dirty and Ebor the Evil Elephant of Doom in a while, why don't we zoom on over to about a day and a half's ride from Camelot and see what they're up to? I'm sure it's something totally legitimate and productive, like community service or groundhog racing.

Actually...no. Instead, our two bitter villains are attacking two knights that are on their way to Camelot for the melee, Sir Oswald and Sir Ethan. They ambush the two of them, kill them, and then put their blood on the crystals, turning them into exact replicas of Sir Oswald and Sir Ethan—to take their place in the melee and use the magical stalum blades of doom to kill Arthur! This can't be good!

I'm going to call them Oswald and Ethan, but remember, they really are Dagr and Ebor, okay? Maybe I should do something similar to what I did in Goblin's Gold to help remind everyone...

When Anti-Oswald and Anti-Ethan arrive in Camelot, they are greeted by Arthur who seems very happy to see them. Apparently Oswald and Arthur are old friends...well,  _were_  old friends, since the real Oswald is now Os-gone, rest his soul. Arthur then proceeds to announce, "This is my servant, Merlin. He  _loves_  hard work, so anything you need, give him a call." Point Arthur. At this point, Merlin has a look on his face that says, "Gee, thanks, buddy...NOT!"

This next scene...*shakes head*...poor Merlin. Anti-Oswald and Anti-Ethan really are a couple of big jerks. Like world-class jerks, you know the kind, they relish pushing other people around, making those under their power do meaningless and stupid tasks again and again just to exercise their power over them and cause them discomfort... like making them carry their heavy trunk full of armor (I don't even want to  _think_  about how much that weighs!) up seven flights of stairs, and then move it next to the bed, then lug it to the other side of the bed, and then put it on top of the wardrobe, and using their sword to unlatch the trunk while the person they are taking advantage of is in the process of heaving it up there (and more than likely doing damage to their spine and left kidney in the process) and making armor fall on their head...

 

*breathes heavily, murderous expression of face, and my own stalum blade of doom clutched in my hands* Okay, you morons—it's go-time! I'll show  _you_  how to mistreat Merlin, after everything he's done for everyone! He is SO selfless, he does EVERYTHING without ANY thanks WHATSOEVER, and then Arthur, the NINCAMPOOP, decides to trust you with Merlin and you ABUSE that power by forcing him to do STUPID tasks JUST for the sake of making him do it! We have a NAME for people like that where I'm from. BULLIES. Get over yourselves or SO HELP ME, there won't be any more of yourselves to get over! *still breathing heavily, crazed gleam in my eyes*

* * *

**Stats:**

**Burn Meter 5000:**  
Part 1: Arthur 4, Merlin 5  
This Episode so Far: Arthur 4, Merlin 5  
Total: Arthur 20, Merlin 19  


 

 **Shirtless Arthur Scenes:**  
Part 1 : 0  
This Episode so Far: 0  
Total: 3


	8. Gwaine III

After the awful adventures of Anti-Oswald and Anti-Ethan (which I am just now calming down from... I had to teach those doofs a lesson. Hold on. I've gotta go wash this blood out of my hair... *twenty minutes later* Okay, it's mostly out. If the cops call wanting to know where the two fake knights are, tell them they accidentally fell into a giant blender of doom and that I had nothing to do with it at all. *eye twitches*), Merlin and Gaius are sitting at the table, where Gaius is staring at Merlin while he sucks down some pea soup. If I were Merlin, I'd be a little unnerved. I  _hate_ it when people watch me eat, and I think that people that sit and watch other people eat are either extremely hungry, extremely disturbed, or just extremely bored. Sure, he's got his own bowl of soup in front of him, but he's too busy staring at Merlin to eat it. Maybe he's already finished his and is hungry for seconds. Who knows? Or maybe I'm just reading WAY too much into this and should get on with the chapter. Yeah? Okay.

Anyway.

Gaius tells Merlin that he's not sure if he's eating or inhaling the soup. Wow. So first Gaius rudely gawks at him while he's slurping up some soup (that looks REALLY disgusting and not the least bit nourishing, by the way), and now he's commenting on  _how_  Merlin eats it. Haven't you heard the commercials, Gaius? "There's no wrong way to eat a pea soup." Okay, okay, so the commercial is about Reeses but it's the same concept right? Well, except Reeses are chocolatey, peanut buttery goodness and pea soup is ick in a bowl, but that's not the point.

But Merlin doesn't seem to mind, so I guess I shouldn't either. He tells Gaius that Sir Oswald and Sir Ethan have been running him ragged, and that he hasn't had anything to eat all day. Poor Merlin.

To make matters worse, the power just went out in my dorm and I'm typing on borrowed time. I have no idea how long it'll be out and my computer isn't going to last too long without a power source. *whimpers* What did I tell you all last chapter? Murphy's Law: Anything that CAN go wrong, will go wrong. Well at least it's not raining – never mind.

Gaius asks how Oswald is and Merlin says "Awful. He treats me like... dirt."

And then Gaius goes, "Oh no he didn't! Nobody treats my ward like crap and gets away with it. I've got four black belts, not to mention my hot pink diamond studded belt – I'm no one to be messed with! I'm going to go all kung-pow on his sorry butt and teach him to mess with the awesomeness that is (dramatic music) Merlin!"

Just kidding. Although it would've been great to see a kick-butt version of Gaius. Can you imagine him doing karate? *giggles* "HI-YAA...OOOW! My hip!"

Sorry.

Gaius does, however, look thoughtful and comment that it doesn't sound like the young man he knew. He then gently reminds our favorite warlock that not all masters are as good to their servants as Arthur is.

Merlin's reaction?

He spews pea soup all over Gaius's face. Heehee.

Well, that's what you get for staring at people while they eat, Gaius, you crazy old man! Learn some manners and maybe you won't get assaulted by green, slimy soup spewed from an extremely adorable warlock's mouth!

Wait wait wait! I have a joke that totally fits into this part! Okay, ready?

_What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?_

Give up?

_Anyone can roast beef, but no one can "pea" soup!_

HAHAHAHA, get it? Pea soup? Pee soup? Heehee... *clears throat* Nothing? Fine, moving on.

Gaius says, "Thank you, Merlin."

If I were Merlin I would have completely disregarded the sarcasm and said in an all too chipper voice, "You're welcome, Gaius. You were just looking  _so_  hungry over there, watching me eat, that I wanted to share some with you, too."

Then Gwen comes in and tells Merlin to come with her. This can't be good.

I was right. It's not good, but it's totally hilarious at the same time.

Apparently between flirting with Gwen, strutting around shirtless and making all helpless fan-girls like me swoon, and being completely swashbucklingly epic, Gwaine has found some time to nurse another of his favorite hobbies: getting drunk.

Gwaine's here! Gwaine, hi, Gwaine! You didn't forget about our awesome people party of DOOM, did you? I hope not, because I've already bought the nachos and extra-spicy cheese dip, and I've got Dance Dance Revolution: Medieval Tunes hooked up to the Wii just for you! It's going to be you against Merlin and Arthur and the winner gets to hold my hand while we watch  _The Spongebob Squarepants Movie_. Then we'll make waffles – in the shapes of our favorite barnyard animals! I bought the cookie cutters myself – cows, chickens, rabbits, goats, and even a T-Rex! And yes, I know that a T-Rex isn't a barnyard animal, but it was the only dinosaur cookie cutter left and it looked lonely. You should understand, Gwaine. You, too, are a loner, except you've got great hair and don't eat people (I hope). Doesn't that sound fun?

Now, let me clarify. When I say Gwaine is drunk, I don't mean he has had just one or two drinks and is looking slightly dazed. I mean he is drunk out of his gorgeous mind, being held up by some random dude he's probably never laid eyes on before. Apparently, he bought a ton of mead (and pickled eggs, who eats pickled eggs anyway? Just the sound of it makes me gag. I don't even like pickled pickles... Wait, pickled pickles are just pickles aren't they? No, they're pickled cucumbers but they're called pickles. But what does it mean to pickle something anyway? And why does everything that has been pickled smell so icky? Ah, the deep, disturbing questions that haunt my tortured noggin.) for his "friends" – again, these friends appear to be the entire tavern of people that he has never met before.

Wow, Gwaine may be a cutie, but he sure is a troublemaker. He's like Jack Sparrow (oh, I'm sorry,  _Captain_  Jack Sparrow, savvy?) except younger, not as hairy (though pretty close), with less tattoos, and he's got good intentions (Jack tries to have good intentions but then he sees something he wants and goes "Oh! Gimme!" and will do anything, even if it requires bad intentions, to get it.). Those are just the main differences between my favorite pirate and my favorite... eh... future knight of the round table.

Moving on.

The innkeeper tells Merlin that since Gwaine's broke, _Merlin_  will have to pay for all the drinks and (shudder) pickled eggs he bought. Now how is that fair? Obviously Merlin's not rich, otherwise, he'd be able to afford a new neckerchief (don't get me wrong, I like his neckerchiefs, they make him Merlin, but it would be nice to see a splash of new color every so often, maybe lime green, deep purple, or puce (and I'm not even sure what puce is, although I'm pretty sure it's a color and not a disease, but I could be wrong).

Merlin tells the innkeeper that he can't afford it, and the man says that he'd better find someone who can. At this point, Gwaine laughs and the guy holding him up lets go. Gwaine non-too-gracefully falls to the ground, still laughing like he's stuck in the tickle-inator 900.

Did I mention I love this guy? He's  _so_  much fun. Apparently Merlin's not of the same mindset, considering he rolls his eyes, exasperated at Gwaine's antics. Aw, c'mon, Merlin, Gwaine's just having a bit of fun. Sure, you're probably going to be the one getting in trouble for  _his_ trouble, but look at that face? Can you really stay mad at that face, Merlin? I know I couldn't.

Next thing we know, Merlin is supporting a drunken Gwaine as they make their way to Merlin's room.

GWAINE: (still swaying as Merlin gets him on the bed) You're the best friend I've ever had. (Gwaine, I'm hurt. Just…torn. Here I am, getting the waffle-maker and cheese dip for our awesome people party tonight, and you go and tell  _Merlin_  that he's your best friend! *snorts disdainfully* Fine. Whatever. I guess Lance will just have to do.)

MERLIN: You seem to have quite a few. (Ha ha, Merlin, good one – now hit him!)

(They both laugh and Gwaine pushes himself to a sitting position, snickering. That's right, Gwaine, snicker with your new BFF, I don't care. But just so you know, Merlin, Arthur, Lance, and I are going to have  _so_ much more fun playing pin the tail on the unsuspecting elderly at my party tonight than you and Merlin are having right now! Oh yeah, I went there!)

GWAINE: I can't wait to see Arthur's face when he gets that bill. (Ha, ha, yes, that's my Gwai—no, I've disowned him as a BFF. *takes deep breath* Be strong, E-Cat, be strong.)  
MERLIN: Right. What is it with you and nobles? (No, Merlin, the better question is, what is it with him and betraying his best friend for the awesomeness that is you – true, I'd probably dump me for you, too, I mean, look at you, you're so adorkable and sweet and funny and your ears are just…Where was I? Um, right. I'm mad at Gwaine. Okay. I can do this. *glances at Gwaine's muscles and gorgeous locks and whimpers* I can. Sigh.)  
GWAINE: Nothing. My father was a knight. In Carlean's army. He died in battle, leaving my mother penniless. And when she went to the king for help, he turned her away. (Aww, you poor thing, let me just give you a big hug – no. Be strong. I can't let his sob story guilt me into forgiving him for him telling Merlin that he's the best friend!)  
MERLIN: You didn't know him? (Oh, maybe they should be BFFs, they've got so much in common, they both lost their dads… *sniffles* I'm sorry for being a selfish, spoiled, possessive brat, guys. I'll be better, I promise. Why don't we all hug – for a long time – to make it all better? *looks from one adorable guy to the other, eyes too innocent* And NO I don't have an ulterior motive… *shifty eyes*)  
GWAINE: Only the stories I've been told. (Aw, get ready for a hug, big guy, 'cuz I'm going to hug you!)  
MERLIN: I know how that feels. I met my father just briefly, before he died. (And then the sobbing starts – not them, no, but me. It's so good for Merlin to be able to talk to someone about the pain he's been through – heaven knows it's not good for him to keep it all locked up inside!)

They get into a discussion about nobility and whether or not Arthur is like the rest of them, after which Gwaine concedes, "Maybe not, but none of them are worth dying for, eh?" Then he bursts into peals of uncontrollable laughter, flops against the wall, hits his head, says "ow," and then starts laughing again.

Have I mentioned that I LOVE this man? *sighs, all former anger forgotten because of Gwaine's sheer and uncontested awesomeness*

We then skip to Merlin arriving to Arthur's chambers with food for him. And then, as usual when the two of them are in a room together, hilarity and awesomeness ensues:

MERLIN: Sorry, I know I'm late. (Why apologize, Merlin? You're always late; Arthur's used to it by now.)  
ARTHUR: Not at all. (…But he's  _never_  this nice about it – AHH, Merlin get out of here, run! You have to FLEE! Arthur's being *gulp*  _nice!_ Oh my – grab the fish sticks and RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!) You sure you're alright? (*screams and runs in circles* THE APOCALYPSE IS UPON US! Arthur Pendragon just inquired about Merlin's health, and Merlin  _isn't_  dying! My face right now: o.O. Heehee, point Lizzie.) You're not sick? Unsteady? About to burst into song?  
MERLIN: As a matter of fact… (the lights go down and a top hat and cane fall from above, the hat landing perfectly on Merlin's head and the cane in his hands. He then breaks into a stirring rendition of "You're the Voice" by John Farnum. – I only wish that had happened. *sighs* In actuality…) No… why?  
ARTHUR: (looking agitated, picks up a piece of parchment from his desk and begins to read)  _Fourteen_ quarts of mead. Three flagons of wine.  _Five_ quarts of cider… (Holy crap, Gwaine bought all that? No wonder he was drunk stupid! And Arthur's not even done yet!)  
MERLIN: I can explain.  
ARTHUR:  _Four dozen_  pickled eggs (ICK!).  
MERLIN: That was Gwaine. He went to the tavern and he couldn't pay for it.  
ARTHUR: So  _you_ said  _I_ would. (Well, I still don't understand why Gwaine and Gwen had to make it  _Merlin's_ problem anyway, so yeah, if I were Merlin, I'd do the same Arthur. So shut it.)  
MERLIN: But if I hadn't… That innkeeper, he would've strung us both up. (Don't flatter the man, Merlin. With your awesome magic and Gwaine's epicness of doom, even with him being drunk, you two could've totally taken him down. That's what being awesome is all about, am I right?)  
ARTHUR: I fail to see the downside. (OOOOH, BURN! Yeppers, that's a BIG point for the Burn Meter 5000. *fans myself* Whoo… it's so hot in here from that BURN that my cat is sweating – and cat's don't sweat – that's one reason, besides to clean themselves, that they lick their coats: to cool themselves off, didja know that? Well, there was your pointless trivia for the day. Uh, right, yeah, point Arthur.)  
MERLIN: You said he should be given anything he needs. (Touché.)  
ARTHUR:  _FOUR DOZEN PICKLED EGGS?_  (I have to say, I'm with Arthur on this one. As previously stated, BLECH!)  
MERLIN: I'm sorry… (cheeky grin) I'll pay for it.  
ARTHUR: (tosses paper onto his desk and folds his hands together evilly) You most  _certainly_ will. (Another point Arthur. Merlin, get your butt in gear, you're falling behind again!)

We switch scenes to hear Gwaine saying, "Arthur is a thoroughbred little braggart." OOOH, man, if Gwaine was in on the Burn Meter, he'd have set the place on fire! 'Course, he  _does_  have reason to be annoyed at Arthur, since he's making Gwaine and Merlin polish the entire army's boots. Again, I still don't get – why is Merlin being punished when he had no part in Gwaine's escapades anyway? Oh, right, because Arthur's a prat. That could be the answer to anything.

EMACHINESCAT: Arthur, I don't know what to do, I'm so confused. Auntie Arthur, what should I do?  
AUNTIE ARTHUR: Get a nice, cold tankard of mead.  
EMACHINESCAT: WHY is he so infuriating?  
MERLIN THE MAGNIFICENT: Because Arthur's a prat.

It even works for questions like, "Why did my dog run away?" and "Why did Humpty Dumpty get pushed off that wall?" and "Where's the cattle prod?"

Because Arthur's a prat.

While they're working, Merlin and Gwaine get into another tear-jerker of a conversation about their fathers during which I sniffled so much that my nose is raw. So much grief in Merlin's life, and he has no on to talk to it about – seriously, I think most people in his position would have either (A) become a crazed nutter that lives in a giant pumpkin and shoots trespassers with blow darts, (B) become a crazed nutter that goes on a killing rampage, or (C) become a crazed nutter that lives in a giant pumpkin and shoots trespassers with blow darts, after which his blood lust becomes too much for him and he goes on a killing spree. And yes, it has happened – people have snapped from their distress. But anyway, at least Merlin can talk to Gwaine about his troubles a little now.

So the conversation ends with Gwaine saying, "If there's one thing I learned from my father's life, it's that titles don't mean anything. It's what's inside that counts." Wow, deep. So he's smart, too. Wow, this guy is pretty epic. When he's talking, he thumps Merlin's knee with his boot cleaning brush, and dear, sweet, wimpy Merlin goes, "Ow." It was so pathetically cute that I squeed. And then I berated myself for acting like an out of control fan-girl (even if that's really what I am).

A note about the father stuff, though: I'm really glad they didn't just let it go, like, "Hey, it's been a year since season 2, so Merlin's probably over his father's horrible and untimely death, right?" I was glad they came back to it and let Merlin deal with it a little. A father's death isn't something that one gets over in a year, or even a lifetime, so it was good that Merlin's coming to terms with it.

Wow. I can be deep, too. Nice.

Later on, Arthur's on the training field, beating the crap out of some poor, defenseless dummy. Oh wait, let me clarify: Arthur is  _not_  beating the crap out of Uther (sadly). Uther is not the big dummy in question. It's a scarecrow wearing armor.

Anti-Oswald and Anti-Ethan come up (*glares at them and they shrink away* Yeah, that's right, bozos, you'd better run. *scoffs* Cowards. *spider crawls on my arm* AHHHH! SPIDER! GET IT OFF ME, GET IT OFF ME!) Anti-Oswald goads Arthur a bit, and they begin to spar. Arthur tells Anti-Oswald that he's not as quick as he used to be and Anti-Oswald says, "Still quick enough to hit you!" After which he runs up to Arthur, sword flailing like mad. Arthur easily sidesteps and whacks Anti-Oswald aside. Anti-Oswald: EPIC FAIL.

Then Arthur looks down at Anti-Oswald's sword-hand and says, "I thought you were left-handed."

Anti-Oswald has the "Oh Crap!" face for a few seconds before covering, "I…am. I was just…giving you a chance."

Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Can we say major déjà vu? As in Princess Bride déjà vu? Let's recap (and if you haven't seen the movie, you ought to be ASHAMED of yourself!), shall we?

INIGO: (losing a sword fight, being backed up to a cliff) I admit it, you are better than I am.  
THE MAN IN BLACK: Then why are you smiling?  
INIGO: 'Cause I know something you don't know.  
THE MAN IN BLACK: What?  
INIGO: (switches hands and starts to drive the man in black back) I am not left handed.  
A FEW MINUTES LATER…  
THE MAN IN BLACK: (now he is losing the fight, pressed up against a stone wall) There is something…I have to tell you.  
INIGO: What?  
THE MAN IN BLACK: (brandishes sword and switches hands) I'm not left-handed either!

I don't know, maybe it's the utter Princess Bride nut in me (I've got the entire movie memorized word for word…) but I was nearly beside myself with embarrassing fan-girlishness. I  _almost_  expected Arthur to say something like, "If you go into the Darkling Woods, watch out for the R.O.U.S.s."

And if you don't know what an R.O.U.S. is, then there is no hope for you. None. Not until you watch the movie or read the book.

Anyway, Arthur beats Anti-Oswald, who is pretty ticked off, but then, after Arthur leaves and Merlin is gathering the weapons, Anti-Oswald and Anti-Ethan have the following conversation right in the middle of the freaking training field, within earshot of Merlin, the idiots.

ANTI-ETHAN: Don't worry, at the melee there'll be two of us.  
ANTI-OSWALD: And with the stalum blade, we'll filet the little brat.

Hmmm, smart move guys – NOT! I mean, come on, that's almost as pathetic as a villain telling the hero every part of their evil plan (which I never understood; if, for some reason, the hero gets away – which they always do – why would you want to have given them all the evidence they need to lock you away forever?)

Later on, Merlin is cleaning up in their chambers when he sees the two swords and thinks, "Hm, I think I'll clang these two bad boys together and see what happens." Either that, or, "I love tacos." Because, I may not be an expert, but most of the time, when they're not thinking about monster trucks, football, and girls, aren't guys thinking about food? And since there's no monster trucks or football in Camelot, and every girl Merlin falls for either dies or turns into an evil lying she-witch OF DOOM, then it's only logical that he's thinking about food. Anyway.

As he's putting the swords down – they are supposed to be and  _look_  blunt, remember? – he slices his finger open on one of them and drops the swords… right when Anti-Oswald and Anti-Ethan decide to parade back into the room. Merlin hides his cut finger and they tell him to stop snooping (which  _totally_  isn't a dead giveaway that they're hiding something) and he leaves quickly. Then they look at the sword with a strange look.

Here, I'll admit, I REALLY thought that they were going to use the blood from Merlin's finger on the crystal, turning one of them into a replica of Merlin and using Anti-Merlin to get close to Arthur and kill him. I really did. I mean, if I were evil and had the prince's manservant's blood, a crystal that can change me into someone else with their blood, and a thirst for vengeance against Prince Arthur, that's what I would do. It's simple logic, like adding up two and two and getting four.

Apparently, Anti-Oswald and Anti-Ethan add two and two and get fifteen.

I have to say, I was sorely disappointed that they did not follow up on what  _I_  thought they should do, but then again, I'm not their master. BBC is. *grumbles* There could have been some great Merlin and Arthur whumping if they had chosen that course, though. Just sayin'.

Switching scenes. Gaius is bandaging Merlin's finger and Merlin is telling him and Gwaine about the stalum blades. Gwaine's here! Hey Gwaine, come sit next to me! I saved you a seat, right here!

Gwaine says that Merlin's lucky, that he's seen those blades in action, that they're forged with sorcery. Gaius wonders what they would want with such a weapon and Merlin says, "I think they mean to kill Arthur in the melee."

WELL, DUH. Doesn't EVERYBODY want to kill Arthur in some sort of tournament? I can't believe you didn't see this coming! After the snakes in Valiant and the assassin in The Once and Future Queen, you'd think they'd have some inkling of, "Hey, I wonder if another crazed person out for revenge is going to take advantage of this wonderful, tempting opportunity to kill Arthur and get away with it?" Seriously. Every time there's a freaking tournament in Camelot, someone freaking tries to kill Arthur. It's expected.

Oy.

Merlin decides he's going to sneak into Anti-Oswald's chambers and steal one of the stalum blades in order to have proof to show the king. In my opinion, he should just get a hold of a duck and threaten to make it stare at Uther for all eternity unless he listens to Merlin and gets rid of the imposters, but, hey, it's not my show. Although I'm working on making  _Merlin_  belong to me. I have a plan. I'll need Colin Morgan's phone number, a vat of chicken feathers, a midget in a unicorn costume, a broken trampoline, and a golf cart for a quick, inconspicuous getaway.

Yes, I'm devious.

So Merlin sneaks into Anti-Oswald's chambers. He almost gets out with the sword when he notices the crystal around Anti-Oswald's neck and instead of taking his proof and high-tailing it out of there, Merlin decides to live on the wild side and not only put down the sword and walk closer to the false knight, but pick up the stupid crystal and look at the dude through it. Merlin, we're going back to the same thing as when you let Arthur W. out of that clearly locked box. Use your brain, man!

And then…he sees through the crystal that it's actually Dagr, but before he can do what he should have done before and run, run, as fast as he can (screaming, you can't catch me, I'm the wizarding man!), Dagr wakes up and grabs Merlin's arm.

Meanwhile, Gwaine is getting worried, so he decides to go check on Merlin.

Good idea. Because Merlin is currently getting knives thrown at him. Merlin tries to protest, saying he wasn't trying to steal anything and that he wanted to make sure that Anti-Oswald wasn't cold so he was adjusting the bedclothes.

Funny story here. I have no idea why, but when I watched this episode with my mom, every time someone said "bedclothes," Mom would bust out laughing and say, "BEDCLOTHES! Ha ha ha!" I'm still not sure why she finds bedclothes so amusing, but I laughed anyway. Ha ha.

Then Anti-Oswald, the evil not-knight of doom run at Merlin with his sword. But thankfully, Gwaine comes to the rescue! Sadly, the guards that come to see what's going on are idiots, and they arrest Gwaine because he's a commoner that attacked noblemen.

I really hate Uther. His enemies are my friends. Whoa, I just realized - I've got a  _lot_  of friends!

* * *

**Stats:**

**Burn Meter 5000:**  
Part 2: Arthur 2, Merlin 0  
This Episode so Far: Arthur 6, Merlin 5  
Total: Arthur 22, Merlin 19

 **Shirtless Arthur Scenes:**  
Part 1 : 0  
This Episode so Far: 0  
Total: 3

 **Smirk-O-Meter**  
Part 2: 0  
This Episode so far: 0  
Total: 22


	9. Gwaine IV

I really detest Uther Pendragon. Okay, so he doesn't execute Gwaine like Anti-Oswald wanted him to (that man actually said that nothing less than Gwaine's execution would satisfy him! What is with this man? He's planning to kill Arthur in the melee, he tried to kill Merlin with daggers and a sword, and now he wants Gwaine to be executed! I think he's jealous because he's really a big ugly man with no friends and he's getting revenge by trying to kill all of the good-looking men in Camelot. What's next; he's going to go hunt down Lancelot and blow him up with a ray gun? And then, just for kicks, he'll saunter through the BBC network and into Doctor Who and off the Doctor because he's so awesome looking and has a sonic screwdriver. Ha, just kidding. The Doctor would have turned him into Anti-Oswald Mush by the time Anti-Oswald could even draw a weapon. HA! Uh…Anyway.)

Anyway, I admit, at least Uther didn't execute Gwaine, or try to anyway. But only because Arthur's made of awesomesauce and he spoke up on Gwaine's behalf, reminding Daddy Dearest that Gwaine saved his life. But then what does Uther do? Banish the poor guy. Not that Gwaine would  _want_ to stay in Camelot after being a recipient of Uther's lovely hospitality. If I were him, I would have banished myself just to get away from his royal crankiness.

So Gwaine's got until dawn to get the heck outta Camelot, but he's cool with it. After all, he's got better things to do. Like coming to my awesome people party OF DOOM! A lot of you said you're going to attend, and bring noms, which is epic, because I can only get so much nachos and waffle mix and pickled eggs (for Gwaine, obviously). Oooh, and I borrowed Mario for the Wii and we're going to have Coin Battles while listening to eighties power ballads like "You're the Voice" – and then Merlin and Arthur are going to lip sync for us! Oh oh oh, and then, and then… we're going to play pin the tail on the Arthur Pendonkey! Arthur's not too thrilled about that, but he'll get over it. The winner gets to keep the Pendonkey as a pet! It's going to be EPIC.

Gwaine is dragged out of the throne room, after giving a stirring speech about how nobility isn't about your title but what's inside that counts (awwww, he should SO try out for Blues Clues. He could be the new host – totally awesome – and he could imprint important life lessons on impressionable young children. The director will just have to make sure that he doesn't also teach the kids about how much fun taverns are and why you should drink yourself into stupors…on second thought, stick to being on Merlin, Gwaine. You're too cool for those silly striped sweaters anyway.)

After Gwaine is dragged off, we get to hear Anti-Oswald and Anti-Ethan talking about how Merlin's onto them. And I'm thinking, "Yes, yes, yes! Finally, some evil dudes are going to go after Merlin! We're going to have some world class whumping on our hands! We'll get some tied up Merlin, or some conked out Merlin or (better yet) some tied up  _and_  knocked out Merlin! It's about time!" I know it sounds pretty evil of me, but come on. Be honest. How many of you were hoping for some Merlin-whumping – and an over-protective but not willing to show it Arthur running to save the day, along with his sidekick, Gwaine the Gorgeous? Or something along those lines? *tallies votes and confessions* Yup, what I thought.

But of course, our demented hopes are instantly crushed when they decide, "Oh, he's just a servant, you've seen what happens when a commoner accuses a noble, blah blah blah, so don't worry, we'll just let him run free. We won't even give him an ominous warning. He's nothing to worry about. So anyway, what about that new episode of Glee, eh?"

So basically they decide that Merlin isn't a threat and that they'll just leave him alone. Darn it! I'm never going to get my Merlin whumping, am I? Okay, so there was the Poisoned Chalice, but that was season one. And there was Halig and his interrogation, but that was season two. And yes, I know, there was Morgause and her interrogation and the serkets, which was a spectacular whump, but there was no concerned Arthur to save the day. *sigh* Ah well. My sadistic mind will just have to continue reading awesome fan-fiction like "How to Accidentally Kill a Warlock" –Heey, Kitty O! – and other whumpilicious stories to keep me happy! Please tell me I'm not alone here. I'd really hate to think I'm the only smiling sadist here. You know what, I'm just going to stop talking… *whistles nonchalantly and runs away*

Anyway, now that you've had a glimpse into the dark cavern that is my tortured noggin, let's move along, shall we?

Back in Gaius's chambers, Gwaine is getting all packed up to go and Merlin is telling him he's sorry. Hmmm, I'm getting a bit of déjà vu here, what about you? The swashbuckling dude with awesome hair saves one of the main characters. Said awesome guy gets busted for something. Awesome man with good hair gets arrested and have to flee Camelot. Is this not extremely reminiscent of "Lancelot" to you?

So Merlin and Gwaine are saying goodbye and this conversation (only slightly altered by yours truly) occurs:

MERLIN: I'm sorry.  
GWAINE: Don't be. I never stay in one place for very long. People get sick of me too quickly.  
MERLIN: I didn't.  
GWAINE: Besides, I've got a party to go to tonight.  
MERLIN: A party?  
GWAINE: Yep. It's going to be epic. It's called an awesome people party and only the most awesome people get to come. It's hosted by this outrageously cool girl named Emachinescat. We're going to play games on the Wii, have a dance off, take turns holding her hand during the Spongebob Squarepants Movie, and in the morning, I'm making waffles!  
MERLIN: Hey, I'm going too! We should carpool.  
GWAINE: Sweet. With the way gas prices are rocketing, I wouldn't have it any other way. I can barely afford my weekly trip to Wal-Mart for pickled eggs anymore. Well, hey, I've gotta get outta here so Uther doesn't lob my head off in blind rage. Pick me up in Cenred's kingdom at seven. Later!

Okay, so that didn't exactly happen. Well the first three lines did, but after that… But still, they were thinking it! *pouts*

Gwaine tells Merlin to look after Arthur because he's in danger. To which Merlin replies, "Well, DUH! That's only the reason I snuck into Anti-Oswald's chambers and nearly got pinned to the wall, wasn't it? Nah, I just did it for the fun of it, because I wanted you to come save me and get kicked out of Camelot. It was all a part of an elaborate plot to get rid of you. Muahahahaha."

Really, Gwaine? I mean, nice thought, really, and I'm glad you're warming up to Arthur and that you think that maybe "this one's worth dying for," but it's kind of obvious. Ah well. Whatever. It was a nice thought anyway.

On his way out, he meets up with Gwen, who tells him she's sorry about what happened, and that she knows Arthur and he'll repay him someday. She says that he'll be a great king and Gwaine replies, "Clearly. If he makes everyone feel the way you do." AWWWW! Move over shameless flirting, hu-LLO heart-stopping romancing! Can I be Gwen just this once? Please? That was so… AWWWW!

So Gwen and Gwaine (just happened to think, if someone wanted them to be together, what would the ship name be? Gwen plus Gwaine equals Gwaine and Gwaine plus Gwen equals Gwen…their names are so similar, there's no way to really combine them. Except maybe Gwenaine but that's just stupid, or Gwainen, which is also stupid, but they're never going to be together so I guess this whole idea is stupid. Moving on.) say their goodbyes and Merlin frets about what to do about Arthur to Gaius.

MERLIN: I don't know what we'll do. (Me either, Merlin, but I'm sure you'll figure out something. I mean, you are THE Merlin, aren't you? Even the Harry Potter characters swear by your name – my personal favorite is "What in the name of Merlin's saggy left—" Heehee, don't worry, Merlin, you'll figure something out.)  
GAIUS: I…could try and persuade Arthur to withdraw from the contest. (As if, Gaius. You obviously don't know your prince too well. He's too proud to do anything like that. Don't you remember what happened with Valiant? Again – déjà vu. This is like a combination of "Valiant" and "Lancelot," is it not? It's "Lancelant" or "Valilot." Heh. Okay, again with the moving on.)  
MERLIN: He won't. I know Arthur. I'll have to somehow…use my powers to defend him. (NOOOOOO WAY, she said incredulously. However did you think of that crazy, brilliant idea, Merlin? You'll use your powers to defend Arthur… I can't believe you didn't think of it sooner, but, after all, it's not like that's what the whole premise of the freaking show is, now is it? I love you Merlin – more than you'll ever know – but please… don't be such a drama queen, er, king. Of  _course_  you're gonna use your powers to defend Arthur. What else are you going to do with them? Free the penguins from the zoo? Oy.)  
GAIUS: With the king and half of Camelot watching? (Um, I don't think they're going to be staring right at Merlin, there, bub. Unless he jumps into the middle of the field shouting, "Alright everyone, I'm about to do something totally illegal to save this ungrateful dollop head's life, but just pretend I'm not here, okay!" I seem to recall a similar conversation when Merlin was going to use magic to reveal Uther's troll wife (*snort* Uther finally found someone worthy of him, didn't he? Oooh, burn, point LIZZIE!) in front of the council. They made a big fuss about it, but was there a need? No, Merlin just hid and did his thing. So why's this any different. Wow. So much déjà vu in this episode… )  
MERLIN: (dramatically with dramatic music playing even more dramatically in the background of this dramatically dramatic scene of pure dramatic DOOM) I don't have a choice. (I do have to say, no matter how melodramatic the conversation was, Merlin is SUCH a hero and I love him for that. No matter what, he's always ready to throw himself into danger to protect those he cares for, and that makes him epically awesome and dispels any cracks I made at this conversation. Fair enough? Merlin. Is. Awesomesauce. On. Toast.)

So once again Merlin is going to put his life on the line for Arthur. Let me make a prediction… he's not going to get any credit for it, is he? *sigh* Merlin's a silent hero (well, besides the fact that he babbles a lot but that's not what I mean and you know it) and I just can't wait until the day that he finally gets the credit he deserves. I have to say, if I were Merlin, I'd be about ready to do away with all of them and say, "I'M THE HERO! I'M THE ONE YOU SHOULD BE CHEERING AND MAKING COOKIES FOR! ME! I'M THE ONE PROTECTING CAMELOT!" Gotta give him credit, if there's one thing he doesn't have a lot of, it's hubris. Which means pride. Not sure how I know that, but I think I learned it from one of T.A. Barron's books or the back of a cereal box. Hm.

Later on, Merlin's about to help Arthur get ready for the tournament and Uther decides to pay his son a visit. Nice dad, Uther is. I mean, sure, I think it's all sweet and sentimental that he gave Arthur the blade with which he won his first melee. But then instead of saying, "Good luck, son, be safe, I love you, don't get your head chopped off by some deranged maniac wearing a magic crystal out for revenge," he tells Arthur that Camelot is expecting a victory and that he trusts Arthur won't let him down. Geez, Uther, could you show a bit of pride in your son? Sure, he's arrogant, rude to his servants, and he has a short temper, I mean, a really short one, throwing things at people, and sure, he's a bit of a blockhead from time to time, and let's not forget how he can be so full of himself at times, and—wait, where was I going with this? Oh yeah.

Arthur may be a bit of a prat at times, but he's done a lot, mostly since Merlin came to Camelot, to make you proud. For the sake of all that is chocolate, he's won every stinking tournament you force him into, he's fought griffons and snakes and questing beasts and spiders and skeletons (okay, so Merlin played a big – alright HUGE – role in that, too, but so did Arthur. They're a team. Team Awesome, or Team Epic, or Team Pancakes, I don't know what their name is, but again, I'm off the point) and done EVERYTHING to prove to you what a hero he is and how proud he should have already make you. But you act like he's never done anything to make you grin and say, "That's my boy." You treat him like he's going to let you down, and if he does once and a while SO WHAT? You're his FATHER, you're supposed to act like it, not like some sort of high and mighty ruler. Okay, so yeah, I admit that you're the king, but that doesn't give you an excuse to treat Arthur like that! To be a good father, and to show your son that he  _does_  make you proud, you need to actually TELL him that you care about him, that you're proud, and I know you did it last season, but surely you can tell your only son that you love him more than once every other season. *breathes heavily* Wow, I'm really in a lecture-y mood this episode. Now Uther, what do you have to say for yourself?

UTHER: (squirms uncomfortably) Now, see here, I'm the king, I can have you arrested and put in the stocks and…  
EMACHINESCAT: Aw, shut it. If you won't tell your son how proud you are of him, I'll just have to tell him myself. Arthur, your dad is proud of you.  
ARTHUR: (eyes well up) He is?  
UTHER: Now, I demand that you stop this heresy at once! It is unlawful to show any form of kind emotions toward my son unless he is about to kill me! He must never know that I, his father, think of him as anything but a prince that, despite all of his triumphs, will never be worthy of being called my son! So I order you to stop this –  
ARTHUR and EMACHINESCAT: Quack.  
UTHER: (screams and faints)  
ARTHUR and EMACHINESCAT: (high-five each other and then jet pack out of the room)

After Uther is gone (Yeah, good riddance, King Doofer! Hee hee, Doofer? Uther? I just made that pun up on the spot… It's "punny" right? Get it? Punny? Funny? Aw, forget it.), Arthur puts the sword down on the table and we switch scenes.

Gwen's staring out of Morgana's window… Wait… Hold the phone. Something's missing here…what was it? Oh, I know! We seem to be lacking a certain evil lying she-witch OF DOOM in this episode! Where  _is_  she at? Probably out poaching baby seals, stealing pacifiers from newborns, pushing the elderly in front of semi trucks, or forcing innocent victims to listen to Justin Beiber non-stop, the nasty. You see, this is what happens when you let evil lying she-witches of doom wander off on their own.

How do you think World War I started? Yep, that's right. Morgana did it. World War II? Morgana. World War III? Well, that'll be between Teams Jacob and Edward over whether sparkly girly vampires or hot furry werewolves are better to snuggle, but still, we can blame it on Morgana. It's the evil lying she-witches of doom that cause chaos, and I'm sure that since she's not causing trouble in Camelot, Morgana is off wreaking havoc somewhere else. Yeesh.

Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, Gwen looking out the window, and…that's about it. Gwen looking out the window, looking worried. Next scene, please!

Anti-Oswald and Anti-Ethan are having a bad guy moment…you know the moment where they say something ominous and suspenseful music starts up? That moment! Anti-Oswald says he doesn't want Arthur to never know what hits him – if it's over too quickly, it won't be any fun. Real nice guy, eh? Still, what I want to know is how they plan on getting away with it. Just because they look like knights, as soon as Arthur is killed by a blade that looks like it's blunt but isn't (a sure sign of magic), somebody is bound to get suspicious, especially when they, I don't know, see Anti-Oswald run the prince through! I guess they can just take off the crystals and go back to being Dagr and Ebor again, and it would be like Oswald and Ethan disappeared… But still, I wish they would've explained that part of their plan a little better.

So, we're back to Merlin and Arthur getting ready for the melee.

MERLIN: You know those moments when I tell you something  _isn't_  a good idea? (Hey, he's recapping what he said earlier in the episode! You clever warlock, you!)  
ARTHUR: And then I ignore you, yeah. (Point Arthur for the sarcastic cleverness!)  
MERLIN: And then I'm proved right. (Point Merlin for a quick return!)  
ARTHUR: Merlin, your concern for my well-being is…touching.  
MERLIN: I'm serious. I think you should withdraw. (Arthur, I'd listen to him if I were you. Think about all the times he's told you something, you've ignored him, and then you've almost died because of it! Sheesh, how thick can you get?)  
ARTHUR: Look, I know you think the melee is some kind of…stupid game. (Uh, maybe because it  _is_. Although not as stupid as glow in the dark Frisbee, I'll give you that.) But it's more than that. It's about proving to the people that I'm fit to lead them. (Uh, wait, I'm confused. How exactly is getting yourself run through with an enchanted blade going to show the people you're fit to lead them? I think that you've done quite a bit to prove to them you'll be a good king, why do you have to do this? Oh right, because Arthur's a prat (remember, answer to anything!). Or maybe because Uther's a terrible father sometimes. Who knows?)  
MERLIN: (nods) I know. (hands Arthur his sword) Just be careful. (AWWW, look at them, best friends, Merlin showing his concern before Arthur skips along to his death because he's a prat.)

MELEE TIME! And guess what? Guess what? I found Morgana! She's next to Uther, making grumpy faces! Morgana's here! Hi, Morgana! Hey, Morgana, after this is over, why don't you come to our awesome people party? Oh, don't look so flattered, Gwaine, Merlin, and I are going to practice giving swirlies and we need someone to try them on. Come on, all you'll have to do is let us stick your head in the toilet and then flush it – provided the poor toilet doesn't get sick from your evil lying she-witch of DOOM ways first, that is! Think about it, at least. And we still need a target for our poisoned dart practice. And of course, someone to clean up after our outrageous silly string battle to the death! See, you'll be of a lot of use!

Merlin runs into the crowd and stands next to Gaius, ready to interfere if needs be. Meanwhile the melee begins, and guess what? It really IS a bunch of knights running around and knocking the seven bells out of each other so that the last man standing can be called a winner. Completely pointless but positively brilliant to watch – kind of like most cartoons nowadays.

I'm not going to go into the details of what happens during the melee; you'll have to watch it for yourself, mostly because I could barely make sense of it myself, what with all the action and the fact that everyone is wearing helmets and it's very difficult to tell who's who. So I'll describe the melee like this: A bunch of knights ride around, hitting each other with blunt weapons. There's a lot of screaming and gasping from the crowd. Knights hit other knights who hit other knights. People fall off horses. And then…

One of the bad guys pulls Arthur off his horse (at least I think it's Arthur, once again with the helmets), and while they're fighting on the ground, the other baddie on a horse runs at Arthur from behind, and Merlin, our wonderful hero, makes him fall of the horse with a flash of his eyes. There, ya see, Merlin? I told you it wouldn't be that difficult. You've done it before and now you've done it again. Bravo!

And the melee continues. Arthur fights the two knights on the ground, someone gets hurt in the shoulder, although who, I have no idea. And then some mysterious knight comes and joins the fight, right after Merlin comments, "It's two against one."

Merlin then wonders aloud who that new knight is that's helping save Arthur. Hum. I  _wonder…_  Oh, I know! I'll bet it's… Edward Cullen! Huh, who do you think? This is Lancelot all over again, right? That information, plus the foreshadowing and the name of the bloody episode should clue you in there, Merlin! It's…

GWAINE!

So together, the mysterious fighter whom Merlin quickly figures out is Gwaine, and Arthur, defeat Anti-Oswald and Anti-Ethan. And of course, Uther, in his pure obnoxiousness, wants to have Gwaine arrested for killing two knights. Wow. Great plan, Uther. Arrest the guy who just saved your son's life.

But Gaius intervenes and takes off the crystals, revealing the scum hidden behind the magic. Hee, that was a pretty catchy phrase if I do say so myself. "The scum behind the magic." Sounds like some sort of cleaning spray commercial tagline. Um, anyway, moving on.

Arthur tells Gwaine that his father is resilient and that Gwaine still must leave Camelot. Grrr…stupid Uther. But, on the bright side, Arthur actually says that his father is wrong! Maybe there's hope after all!

Merlin later tries to convince Gwaine to tell about his father's nobility so that he could stay and become a knight. Gwaine refuses, at least for now, because he doesn't want to serve Uther, but he says he may return someday when Arthur's king, and besides, he can't miss the awesome people party he's going to in a few minutes anyway.

The end of the episode is wonderful! So Arthur and Merlin, BFFs!

They're watching Gwaine leave the city, and the following conversation ensues:

ARTHUR: It's a shame. He would've made a great knight. (Yes, he would have. *sighs and drools*)  
MERLIN: Maybe one day he still will. (OOOH, foreshadowing, I like it! Well, that and the fact that Gwaine is known as one of the knights of the Round Table, although normally it's spelled Gawain, but whatever)  
ARTHUR: The rules won't allow it. Knights are noblemen. Always have been, always will be. (Rules, schmules! I say knight the guy and be done with it! I mean, come ON, you yourself said that no one fights like Gwaine! Plus he's got great hair and I'd love for him to be a regular on the show!) It's a tradition. (Bah, tradition is for shmuks! I say knight the guy and be done with it! Whoa. More déjà vu. Weird. Maybe I'm in some sort of time warp or something. Where's the Doctor and his TARDIS when you need it, eh?) (Arthur sees Gwaine telling Gwen goodbye, jealous voice) They seem awfully friendly.  
MERLIN: (grinning) Why should you care?  
ARTHUR: I don't. (liar, liar, chainmail on fire!) She can do better than that!  
MERLIN: What, she should be setting her sights…higher? (I have a feeling Merlin's on the verge of racking up some serious burn points here… Come on, Merlin, rile him up… Meanwhile, Arthur shrugs and nods, Merlin smacks his forehead (his forehead, Arthur's, although that would have been quite amusing!)) But oh, I forget! A girl, of Gwen's standing, she could never consort with a nobleman, that's against the  _rules_. (POINT FOR THE WARLOCK – and the crowd goes WILD!)  
ARTHUR: Merlin.  
MERLIN: Shut. Up. (hee hee, gotta love him!)  
ARTHUR: (smirking – oh no, Morgana's given HIM the smirks now, too! When will this affliction END?) You guessed it. (ooh, haha, point for the prat!)

And then to make the episode ending PERFECT, while Merlin is watching Gwen kiss Gwaine on the cheek (I can't believe it, she gets to kiss ALL the cuties!), Arthur grabs him by the scruff of his collar and shoves him around and forward playfully. They walk side by side while lively music is playing, and then Arthur pushes Merlin over to the side and when Merlin returns the gesture, they pause for a minute, and the Merlin takes off running, with Arthur right behind him. AWWWW-SOME! Get it? Like awesome except with AWWW because that was such a best friends, roughhousing brothers sort of moment. AWWW-SOME? Awesome? *crickets chirp* Alright, alright. I can take a hint. I'll shut up now.

* * *

**Stats:**

**Burn Meter 5000:**  
Part 3: Arthur 2, Merlin 2  
This Episode: Arthur 8, Merlin 7  
Total: Arthur 24, Merlin 21

 **Shirtless Arthur Scenes:**  
Part 3 : 0  
This Episode: 0 (I don't believe it! First one with no shirtless Arthurs this season. But wait, I forget – one shirtless Gwaine is equal to 10 shirtless Arthurs. Right. *giggles like a crazed fan-girl*  
Total: 3

 **Smirk-O-Meter**  
Part 3: 1  
This Episode so far: 1  
Total: 23


	10. The Crystal Cave I

I have to say, this was a wonderful, emotional episode, and it about kills me to watch it. Although there is some humor at the beginning, and a few funny moments sprinkled in the mix occasionally, it is overall an extremely dark episode and it had me in tears. So here's hoping that I won't bawl my eyes out while writing this chapter – and yes, I know, I'm a baby. What can I say? I cry at everything –  _The Little Mermaid, Bambi, Barney the Dinosaur_ (of course, the last one is from tears of pain and begging, "Please, turn it off, PLEASE, my brain is melting! AHHHH!)

But anyway.

The episode begins with Arthur and Merlin running – for their lives. They are being chased by a huge band of – surprise, surprise – bandits. Why? We aren't told, but I have a few theories: (A) Arthur and Merlin decided to play a rousing game of ding-dong-ditch-the-deadly-dummies, (B) the bandits are all farmers and Arthur and Merlin were playing super extreme cow-tipping, or (C) Arthur and Merlin both had trouble magnets embedded in their left pinky toes at birth and everywhere they go, they get into, well, trouble – getting chased by bandits, being attacked by raging hippogriffs, having their clothes torn off by crazed fan-girls – you know, the same old, same old. Or maybe they just do it for kicks – get into trouble to get the adrenaline pumping, you know, since they didn't have roller coasters, haunted houses, or flesh-eating chickens back then.

As they run pell-mell through the forest, I'm struck with a thought. Arthur's in the lead, running like mad, fully armed. Merlin's trailing behind, wearing no armor whatsoever, completely unprotected from the bandits. I know Merlin's just a servant, but seriously, if Arthur's going to take Merlin along on dangerous quests with him, shouldn't he at least be protected  _somehow_? I mean, I know Merlin has magic and all, but it seems a little unfair, especially since Arthur doesn't know about it.

"Oh, yeah, don't worry about Merlin, I take him with me everywhere – on spying trips into enemy territory teaming with bloodthirsty foes, into insanely dangerous magical lands where people are going to try and kill us at every turn, and, most dangerous of all, Chuck E. Cheese (seriously, no joke – think about it: a small place, a mechanical rat, lots of sugar and soda, screaming children, screaming parents… I'm feeling sick just thinking about it…. Of course, I'm also terrified of people dressed up in animal costumes…don't ask why. They just FREAK me out.), but it's okay because I'm armed. Nothing will happen to me.  _I'm_  safe. So what if he's completely vulnerable? As long as I'm okay, it's all good. Now, which way to the tavern? I've got my measuring stick and I'm wanting to measure the mood of my people…."

And I'm sorry if I've given you guys a similar rant before. I will sometimes tell a story more than once, but when I repeat it, I don't remember any of the other times that I told it, so I think I'm telling it for the first time. Confused? *rubs aching head* You're not alone, my friend.

Finally Arthur and Merlin duck out of sight in some kind of valley/alcove/tree-surrounded thing. Merlin wants to know if they lost them, and Arthur grins and says, "I told you we'd outrun them."

*facepalm* Arthur. Please. Have you learned  _nothing_  from my previous ranting and raving? Sure, most of the time it's nonsensical babbling and Merlin hero-worship, but in the midst of the madness, there is a bit of redeemable knowledge – like never count your chickens before they hatch. I'm not entirely sure what that means, but I think it has something to do with thinking everything's all good, and then getting proved spectacularly wrong. In other words, Murphy's law is at work in the very moment Arthur basically says, "What else could go wrong?"

Ah well, can't say I didn't warn them. Why is it that TV characters, book characters, or the extremely adventurous mailman named Pete never listen to me?

Merlin asks if Arthur's sure, and Arthur's response is: "Why is it you never trust me, Merlin?"

Hmmm, let me think about that. (A) Because you're a dollop-head, (B) because you're a clotpole, (C) because you're a dollop-headed clotpole OF DOOM, (D) because  _taco_  spells  _ocat_  backwards.

Before Merlin has time to respond with all of the above (which you  _know_  he would have), Arthur's question gets answered for him when there's more collective yelling and the bandits find them and are running at them, brandishing their weapons. Arthur just kind of stares for a minute and Merlin gives him this glare that, oh man, should get him a point on the Burn Meter 5000, but, alas, looks don't count. *grumbles about the rules*

So off they go again, prancing through the forest while angry farmer bandits chase them, ready to kill them. Arthur tells Merlin to trust him again, and Merlin just kind of gives him a look that says, "Yeah. Sure. Whatevs."

They get to this place that I believe is a mountain pass or a valley. There's this epically awesome gate thing where two giant statues are kind of guarding the valley. It's so reminiscent of Lord of the Rings. I was glancing around thinking, "Where's Gollum? And  _where's the precious?_  Those stupid fat hobbitses took them from me!" *goes into a psychotic fit, clears throat* I'm… sorry you all had to see that. Moving on.

Merlin stops – kind of like he did when Morgana used the power of the Evil Tree Staff of Doom in  _The Tears of Uther Pendragon Part 2_  to make the skeletons come to life – almost as if he's hit some kind of barrier. I guess that's something that happens to him when he senses or is around powerful magic. Apparently Merlin is none too happy about going into this extremely old and powerful place (which is sure to be dangerous, because the three go together like peanut butter, bananas, and bacon – where you find one, you'll find the others – and I'm not crazy! Try a peanut butter, banana, and bacon sandwich – it's sooo yummy. Don't believe me? It's your loss. I LOVE THEM! MMMM…. Sorry. I digress. *runs to kitchen to make sandwich* Fifteen minutes later: Okay, I'm back!), but Arthur doesn't give him much of a choice.

MERLIN: What is this place? (It's Middle Earth, Merlin, don't you recognize it? You'll be arriving at the Shire soon, and then you can party with Mery and Pippen and me of course, because they are now officially invited to the Awesome People Party of Doom. Yep. That's right, y'all. We've got  _hobbits_. You can begin your envious splutters now.)  
ARTHUR: The Valley of the Fallen Kings. (Oooh, sounds delightful. Great, ominous name for a place the once and future king is going to take a stroll through – NOT!)  
MERLIN: (looking around at all the creepy face carvings around them) Is it cursed? (Of course it is, Merlin. Remember, you and Arthur are trouble magnets? It's  _bound_ to be cursed.)  
ARTHUR: No, not unless you're superstitious. (Oh, well that's comforting. Thanks so much, Arthur.)  
MERLIN: It is. (Listen to him, Artie.)  
ARTHUR: It's a myth. They'll never follow us in here. They wouldn't dare. (Uh…contradictory much, Mr. Pendragon? You just said it's not cursed unless you're superstitious. What if they  _aren't_ superstitious? And  _why_ do I have a feeling that Murphy's Law is gonna hit them  _so_  hard in just a minute? *bites fingernails*) Trust me. (HAHAHAHAHAHA! – oh, wait, you were serious? Whoops.)  
MERLIN: If you say that one more time… (HA! Yes! Finally, someone saying what I've been saying this whole time – every time someone says "trust me" something bad happens. Those are two of the most common last words, along with "It's going to be fine," "I wonder what that button does," and "Look, honey, there's a man with a chainsaw hitchhiking. I bet he's going to a chainsaw convention with his chainsaw and mask and trenchcoat. Let's give him a lift. Hey buddy, hop in – gurgle gurgle, snap, crack, AHHHHHH!" *shakes head* Some people are just  _too_ stupid. But, uh, anyway, POINT MERLIN!)

Of course, Merlin and I were right, and something bad  _did_ happen after Arthur's declaration of "Trust me." The bandits apparently aren't superstitious or they have a lot of garlic and rabbit feet with them for the ride. Ain't nothin' gonna stop those boys. *shudders at the double negative and use of ain't and FORCES my OCD self not to go back and change it to "Nothing is going to stop those men" for the sake of comedy, twitches*

But then… DUN DUN DUN… Arthur gets shot with an arrow in the back! How does that work again? The guy who is armed up to the neck gets shot with an arrow that pierces his freaking armor, yet the completely unarmed, unarmored servant trailing behind and stumbling over his own feet  _doesn't_? Are we to  _ever_  get our Merlin angst? *growls* I know, I know, a family show. But come on, if Arthur can get shot, why can't Merlin? What happened to equal rights? I demand a Merlin whumping lawyer – anyone want to volunteer? We'll get our whumping, one way or another. Who's in?

And open the title sequence, where, of course, I have a sqee attack when I see the name: Colin Morgan. *sighs* And another one when it says: Bradley James. *sighs* Love them! And now, back to the plot begone, my girly infatuation with two extremely good looking men, at least until this chapter is through, okay? *shrugs and grins* Fan-girls. Whatcha gonna do?

Merlin manages to hide himself and Arthur and the bandits run blindly by. I can't help but wonder why they didn't just do this in the first place. Oh wait. They did. But then Arthur had to say, "Trust me," and everything went downhill. And  _now_  he's got an arrow sticking out of his back. Gotta love the irony of the world, eh?

Merlin makes a poultice and heats it up and tries to rouse Arthur. The scene is sweet, funny, and touching, and Merlin really racks up the points: "Come on." Nothing. "Dollop-head." Point Merlin. Still nothing. He slaps Arthur's cheek. "I need you to recover." When Arthur doesn't respond, Merlin rolls him over and tries to heal him with magic. Arthur doesn't stir, but something in the forest does. Yay foreshadowing! "Look, Clotpole (Point Merlin, bringing them to a tie!), I don't care if you die, there are plenty of other princes. You're not the only pompous, supercilious, condescending, royal imbecile I've ever worked for (wow, Merlin, so sweet because you're combining all of your past insults/banters into one, trying to rouse your friend, with tears in your eyes. Point Merlin because that was awesome, even if it brought tears to my eyes.) The world is full of them. I'll give you one more chance." And he tries to heal Arthur with magic again, but nothing happens.

Sadly, nothing happens. I swear, Merlin really needs to learn some healing spells. That seems to be one thing he can never do – heal. Come on, Merlin, step it up, eh?

May I just say, some  _beautiful_ acting from Colin Morgan in this scene and the next! It floored me – this man is just incredible, the emotions so  _raw_ and  _real_. A beautiful job. Just…wow.

Back to Merlin.

He's washing Arthur's blood off his hands, kneeling by a little stream, trying and failing to hold back his tears. I was so touched. Again, spectacular job, Colin. Wowsers, that kid can act! Then he looks up and there's this old man watching him. The man asks Merlin why he's so sad, and if I were Merlin I would've said something along the lines of, "Because McDonald's doesn't sell tofu burgers – what do you think? It can't be because of the prone figure lying bloody on the ground while I wash his blood off my hands from trying to save him, can it? Crazy old man."

But Merlin just tells it to him straight – that his  _friend_  is dying and he can't do anything about it. Aww. His friend. I knew they were friends. It's just great to hear one of them say it, you know? I have chill bumps, although it could be because there's snow on the ground outside. I dunno. Either way, it was sweet.

But the man, whose name I can't remember and am too lazy to try and find again, so we'll call him Ted, tells Merlin that he doesn't need to worry, that it's not Arthur's time to die. Well, you might want to tell Artie that, Mister! 'Cause it looks like that's what he's planning on doing, whether you think it's his time or not! *rolls eyes* Future-seers. Think they know  _everything._

So Ted the all knowing seer of doom tells Merlin that he is Emrys, yada yada yada – you know the whole speech Merlin gets every time he meets a druid or someone powerful that's heard the prophecies. Ted says one little magic word and Arthur stirs. Okay, so what's up with that? Merlin busts his butt, throwing out long and complicated spells that could double as tongue twisters, and nothing. Nada. Zilch. Yet Mr. Ted Almighty says one word and fixes Arthur's boo-boo? How is that fair?

Anyway, Ted tells Merlin that he wants to show him something, that Arthur's fine, and that they'll be on their way soon, so not to worry about missing Emachinescat's Awesome People Party of Doom, which was what he was  _really_  growing concerned about. If Arthur died, he'd have to do a  _lot_ of explaining, especially to you Team Arthur people who are attending, about why we're minus one Epically Cool Awesome Person at our Awesome People Party of Doom.

What Ted wants Merlin to see is the future – or rather, crazy, creepy, scary glimpses of the future. Remember that Crystal of Niatine, the one in which Merlin saw all those spoilers for the season two finale? Yep – this is where that lovely piece of magic came from. It's a cave full of crystals (duh, the episode is called "The Crystal Cave"), and Merlin really doesn't want to look into them, but Ted is a bully and keeps pressuring him to do so. I _hate_  peer pressure. It's so lame. In third grade, my friend Jessica made up this weird concoction with mouth wash, ketchup, pickle juice, toothpaste, and who knows what else when I went to her house, and told me that if I didn't drink it, I wasn't her friend. Guess what I did?

I drank the bloody potion – I bet it was just as bad, if not  _worse_ , than Gaius's troll potion Merlin had to try in season two. So yeah, Merlin, don't think you're the only one who's been bullied or who's chugged frog paste and rats guts. *shudders* I'm really not sure how I got on this topic, so can we change the subject? Pretty please?

Anyway, as I was saying before I so rudely interrupted myself (I can be such a chatterbox sometimes – well, okay,  _all_ the time), Merlin's really not keen into looking into the crystals. After all, last time he looked into one of those bad boys, he was traumatized. He doesn't want to know the future and quite honestly, I don't blame him. It's just going to make things confusing. If you see the future, you're either going to (A) try to make it happen and screw things up, (B) try to prevent it from happening and screw things up, or (C) attack Uther with an army of glassy-eyed ducks and do the slide out of the throne room (What? It's what I would do. It's definitely more fun than messing with the future. Come on – Messing with the future or messing with the Uther… seriously, which one sounds more appealing? Thought so.)

But alas, Ted is a bully, and Merlin does look into them. He sees frightening flashes of an old man – ahhh, an old man! – Morgana calming her horse – the horse probably realized that she's an evil lying she-witch of doom and tried to trample her; good horsie, it deserves a cookie – and of something red dripping off of someone's fingers … blood? Wine? Food coloring? We're not told. And then Morgana standing over Uther with a knife, about to kill him… but there were no ducks in the picture. Darn. I never get my way, do I?

Once again, this really messes Merlin up and he starts to freak out, and I understand completely. He's seeing flashes of what is yet to come, but he doesn't understand them fully and he suddenly feels like the weight of everything, not just the future of Camelot, Albion, and Arthur's life is on his shoulders. He collapses and yells, "What was that?"

To which Ted replies, "A clever plot device used to further the story and foreshadow episodes to come – nifty, eh?"

A little later, Merlin is back in the forest, Ted no longer in sight – good, I hope Merlin gave him a wedgie or something; I can't stand peer-pressuring bullies of doom – and Merlin is really upset – like, visibly shaking. I wanna hug him and make it all better! It's so sad to see him like this – it's really upsetting him.

Arthur throws Merlin's jacket at him – Arthur's back, yay! Hey Arthur, welcome back! Did you know that the mathematical number pi has nothing to do with a fruity, yummy treat baked in crispy crust? Me either, and when I found out, it broke my heart. Anyway, Arthur, guess what? You almost died, but some bully saved you. You'd like him. His name is Ted and his favorite form of bullying is peer pressure. Oh, and Arthur, that jacket you just threw at Merlin, it's Merlin's, but he used it to cover you with when you were dying. Feel guilty yet? Good. Ha! – and says, "You look like a startled stoat." I'm going to give a point to Arthur for that, even though I have  _no_ clue what a stoat is, or why it would be startled, or how Arthur knows these things. It sounds like a kind of sandwich. Or maybe a gorilla that eats old people. I dunno.

Merlin's reply – "Oh yeah? Well at least I don't look like a bone idle… toad. Let's go." Ah, point Merlin – and kudos for using language I actually understand, there, bud. Arthur relishes in confusing me by talking about stoats, but Merlin, you tell it to me straight, and use easy to understand words like "toad" and "hobophobia" which is the fear of hobos. And I'm serious, no joke, that's a real phobia.

Oh, maybe I should explain the "Let's go." Merlin's really eager to get back to Camelot so that he can stop his visions from coming true. Personally, I'm not sure what's so terrible about them. I mean, oh no, Morgana's horse is rearing. Oh dear, someone spilled some wine. Drat, Uther's dying. Nothing important, am I right?

Arthur says, "You're saying I look like a toad?"  _Yes,_  Arthur. Honestly, you use words like "stoat," but you can't comprehend "toad"? You're strange.

Merlin's response is just epic: "Yep. And maybe one day you'll magically transform into a handsome prince… but since magic's outlawed that will probably never happen, come on let's go." AHHH! Arthur, you just got BURNED, BABY, BURNED – DISCO INFERNO! Sorry. Music break. But seriously – let's give Merlin another point on the Burn Meter 5000 for that beauty. Merlin is on FIRE today! Oh yeah – and Arthur's feelin' the burn… 'bout time Team Merlin racked up some points, eh?

Arthur reminds Merlin that he's the one who gives the orders and Merlin replies. "Yeah. You ready? Come on, let's go." Told you he's in a hurry – that cave and those visions REALLY messed him up. Poor Merlin. I told you seeing the future was going to turn out badly. No one ever listens to me, at least no one I yell at on the TV anyway.

The first time I watched "The Return of the King," when the giant spider was coming up behind Frodo, I literally about had a conniption while lying in my bed, sick with a sore throat, screaming, "TURN AROUND, YOU IDIOT! THERE'S A GIANT SPIDER OF DOOM RIGHT BEHIND YOU! SHE'S GONNA KILL YOOOOUUUU!" And of course, the silly hobbit ignored me and wound up getting stabbed by her stinger (yet spiders don't have stingers) and rolled up like a fly, ready to be drained. Yum.

Whoops. Lord of the Rings rabbit trail. I apologize.

As they are walking back to Camelot, Arthur and Merlin have a wonderful conversation that cannot be paraphrased. I must give you the direct dialogue (infused with my own clever comments, of course):

ARTHUR: I don't understand. (There's a surprise. OOOH, burn! Point for Lizzie on the Burn Meter – you just got served, and it wasn't macaroni and cheese. No, my friend, you just got served a big bowl of BURN SAUCE! Yeah, I stink at trash talk. But I'm good a poetry. So it evens out, right?) You said I had an arrow in my back. How come all I can feel is a slight bruise? (Because Arthur's a prat – see, told you that answer will work for anything.)  
MERIN: Don't know. (I should add, Merlin's in the lead, walking very briskly, answering shortly, pretty much ignoring Arthur, who's doing what Merlin usually does and jabbering on and on. It's pretty amusing.)  
ARTHUR: Merlin… something happen you're not telling me about? (Hum… well, there was the part where Ted fixed you up and then gave me mental scars by showing me images of Morgana's horse rearing…)  
MERLIN: No.  
ARTHUR: Come on. I'm missing your usual prattle. (Aww, Arthur misses the old Merlin and he actually notices something is wrong. I love these moments, they make me all warm and fuzzy inside… or maybe that's the burritos I ate earlier. Not sure. Guess Arthur can get a point for making fun of Merlin's jabbering.)  
MERLIN: You're certainly making up for it. (OOOH, that was just… BURN! Man, Merlin, you are FULL of sarcastic and witty comebacks today, aren't you? Whew, we need a fan in here because Merlin is on a roll and Arthur keeps getting burned! Point Merlin!)  
ARTHUR: (looks flabbergasted and rolls his eyes, something he does quite often when around Merlin) You still haven't answered my question.

Merlin makes up some story about how the arrow didn't pierce his armor, and when he fell he knocked himself out. Great lie, Merlin. If you recall, in season one, Merlin was a terrible liar (season one is fresh on my memory because I had a Merlin-thon with my nana today, and we watched episodes 4 through 13 of season one today, all in a row, heehee), so he's getting better.

Arthur says, "Okay. I normally don't say things like this, but you did a good job back there." AW, a compliment! They are so BFFs! Like, totally – brotherly moments like this just make me want to cry – then again, the raw onion being peeled two feet from me could be the source of my tears. Maybe. But the emotions are real. Unless those burritos are coming back on me. I'll let you know.

Merlin ignores him.

Arthur presses, "Hear what I just said?"

Merlin ignores him. Arthur keeps talking – apparently someone REALLY misses his servant's easygoing, outgoing nature. See, Arthur, Merlin has feelings, too, and I'm glad you've finally begun to realize it. You just earned some respect points for Team Arthur in my book. (Too bad you're still behind on the Burn Meter 5000 though, mate.)

Arthur tries again, "Alright, maybe I should give you some kind of reward. What do you want?"

Merlin says, and I quote, while giggling hysterically and adding another point to Merlin's score, "Some peace and quiet."

HA! Take that Sir Arthur Talk-a-lot! You just got burned (again!).

Merlin is THE MAN this episode! Whoo!

* * *

**Stats:**

**Burn Meter 5000:**  
Part 1: Arthur 2, Merlin 8  
This Episode so Far: Arthur 2, Merlin 8  
Total: Arthur 26, Merlin 29

 **Shirtless Arthur Scenes:**  
Part 1 : 0  
This Episode so Far: 0  
Total: 3

 **Smirk-O-Meter**  
Part 1: 0  
This Episode so far: 0  
Total: 23


	11. The Crystal Cave II

When we last left the peeps at Camelot, Arthur and Merlin's normal roles had done a bit of a switch-a-roo, with Arthur being the annoying, talkative one, and Merlin being the sarcastic, annoyed, stop-talking-to-me-one. Ah. What fun that was.

Now, we find ourselves back in Camelot, where Arthur is telling Uther and the rest of the council (including the evil lying she-witch of doom who is, more than likely, smirking about something, but she's annoying so let's not talk about her). I was actually kind of shocked, because Arthur gives Merlin props for helping them escape from the bandit. Gwen nudges Merlin like, "Way to go, bro."

It's about time Merlin got some sort of acknowledgement for what he does – even if Arthur doesn't know the _half_  of it. No, scratch that. Arthur doesn't know the  _all_  of it. He's as blind as a bat – if I were him, I would've at _least_  noticed the convenient branch breaking and knocking a bad guy flat right as he was about to kill me, or the mysterious flying spears coming from nowhere in particular to save the day! (And I'm not the most observant person in the world, but still!)

Anyway, of course, when Arthur tries to give Merlin a little credit (he says that  _some_  credit must be given to Merlin, although, in actuality, ALL credit must be given to Merlin, well, and I guess a little to Ted, but Ted's a bully – hey I found out his real name is Taliesin, but I like "Ted" better – so we don't give him credit, because where were you when the action happened, Arthur? Oh yeah… you were making ridiculous requests like "Trust me" and getting yourself shot with an arrow. Who's the hero?  _Merlin._ )

Later on, Merlin and Gaius are having another one of their regular, every-episode chats. These "mid-chats of doom" are not to be confused with their Dora the Explorer impersonations at the end of each episode ("well, kids, let's go over what we did today! Merlin, what was  _your_  favorite part of the day?"). They have these chats because Merlin doesn't know what the heck he's doing and Gaius does (sort of). Gaius is like Merlin's therapist in a way – Merlin tells him everything and Gaius gives advice after extensive research, usually riddled with evasiveness.

MERLIN: Gaius, I need to talk to you.  
GAIUS: Ah, yes, Merlin. Lie down on this plush red couch – don't get your shoes on the velvet, though – and tell me your troubles. What's wrong? (gasps) You don't have Pneumono-ultra-microscopic-silico-volcano-coniosis, do you? (He-ey, Kitty O!)  
MERLIN: Something HUGE and SCARY is attacking Camelot! It's got five arms, two backsides, half of an eye, spaghetti for hair, an ear on its tongue, makes a noise like a broken toilet,  _smells_ like the stuff that comes out of a broken toilet, breathes toxic fumes that smell like death – with just a  _hint_  of lime, has giant sword-like quills all down its back coated in poison, is a  _lovely_ shade of pink, and keeps screaming in Finnish, "I SHALL SLAY YOU ALL" – well, then again, my Finnish is rusty, so he could be saying, "SOMEONE TAKE ME TO THE BALL" or "THAT'S  _MY_ RUBBING ALCOHOL!" but that's not the point. The point is we're all going to die unless I use my magic to stop it!  
GAIUS: You're going to use your magic?  
MERLIN: (swallows) Yes.  
GAIUS: With the king nearby.  
MERLIN: (gulps) Y-yes.  
GAIUS: But, Merlin, that will be very dangerous.  
MERLIN: Well, it's not like I've been in this situation before… hundreds of times… in every single episode… and we have the exact same conversation like it's brand new… besides: (stands in an epic pose, left foot perched on top of the therapy red couch, in a brave, noble voice of a man who's seen too much in his few years) I know. But it's a chance I've got to take. For Arthur and my destiny because I'm (lightening strikes, thunder crashes, and rain pelts on them, drenching them.)  _Merlin – Magic Master Extraordinaire ._  
GAIUS: Oi! I told you to keep your feet  _off_  my therapy couch! (swats Merlin over the head with a stiff, dead marmoset) I have to use it for Uther's session – this time we are going to talk about his pathological fear of ducks watching him and the fact that his mother never hugged him, although with his attitude, I don't blame her. And _what_  have I told you about the rainstorms?  
MERLIN: (sheepishly) Sorry, sorry. I only mean to make thunder and lightning flash, you know, for dramatic effect.  
GAIUS: Well, stop this blasted rain and go dramatic your effects elsewhere. Anyway, Merlin, about this five-armed, two-butted, half-eyed, spaghetti-haired, ear-on-tongue, broken toilet sounding, broken toilet sewage smelling, toxic fumes that smell like death breathing-  
MERLIN: -with a hint of lime  
GAIUS: (glares) – poisoned quilled, pretty pink, Finnish speaking monster, the only thing we can do is go to the library and look for answers.  
MERLIN: AWWW! But I wanted to just run in with no plan and use my epically awesome magic of doom to slay the monster! I have to… (gulps) …research?  
GAIUS: Put your big boy pants on and deal with it. (whacks Merlin over the head with a book) Get reading.  
MERLIN: No! I want to be a ninja when I grow up! You can't make me be a carrot peeler!  
GAIUS: (blinks) What in the name of all that is ugly are you talking about?  
MERLIN: I have no idea. It's like someone – Oink, oink – is controlling everything – peter piper picked a peck of pickled peppers – I say and it started out – stinky feet smell sweet – funny and then just – PIE! – got massively out of control and – I love grits and gravy! – (glares at me) – EMACHINESCAT, this is NOT funny, we've got a crisis on our hands!  
EMACHINESCAT: (grumbles) This dialogue was getting massively stupid anyway. I think I'm going to talk about what actually happened in the episode now.  
MERLIN AND GAIUS:  _Please_  do. (there is silence for a moment. And then-)  
MERLIN: (singsong voice) I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves…  
GAIUS: Emachinescat… can you please leave him alone? We have a Finnish monster to kill.  
MERLIN: (blushes) Sorry, that was just me that time.

Uhhh… where was I? I think that dialogue started out with a point (oh yeah, therapy with Gaius!) and just got out of control. Hopefully you're still with me. Anyone? Anyone? *crickets chirp and somewhere in the distance and monkey scratches its bum* Fine, then. I won't tell you about the shirtless volleyball game between Gwaine, Merlin, Arthur, and Lancelot at the Awesome People Party of Doom – ah. Welcome back. I thought that might interest you.

Anyway, back to the plot (I hope…).

So Gaius and Merlin are discussing what has happened, and Merlin's visions, and whatnot. Merlin's still spazzing about them, but Gaius manages to calm him down, telling him that what he saw may not be what it seems. Oh, so Morgana's horse  _isn't_  going to rear? Pity. I was hoping it would squash her. Ah well. Maybe in the next episode, eh?

So, next morning, I suppose, Merlin goes into Arthur's chambers (without knocking, bless him). He looks surprised that Arthur managed to get himself dressed by himself, and frankly, I'm with him. Arthur can  _dress_ himself? Sorry, Team Arthur, that was a bit mean on my part. I'm not going to take it back though, why don't I give y'all virtual cookies and we'll call it even?

Merlin's all like, "You're dressed!"

Arthur's response? "Nothing gets past you, does it, Merlin?" Oooh, I think Arthur just scored the first point on the Burn Meter 5000 for this chapter! See, doesn't this make up for my mean little comment earlier? Point. Arthur.

Then Arthur supplies the reasons for his already being ready – it's Morgana's birthday, and he has to get her a present. Typical man. It's a woman's birthday, and he's just now getting her a present. Granted, he  _was_ dying yesterday, and was saved by a strange bully named Ted, so we'll let it slide this time. But while we're talking about birthday presents for Morgana, how about I give Arthur the top five things that Morgana would like for her birthday, and then some suggestions about what  _I_  would like to give her for her birthday.

**TOP FIVE THINGS MORGANA WANTS FOR HER BIRTHDAY:**

**Thing # 1 (And no, I'm not referring to Dr. Seuss or The Cat in the Hat here, either):** A giant mirror so she can watch herself smirk all day long.

 **Thing # 2:**  A many-bladed knife so that she can stab all of her friends in the back at the same time.

 **Thing # 3:** A pet llama named Gary Gootenburger (because who  _doesn't_ want that for their birthday?).

 **Thing # 4:** A copy of the newest "How to for Dummies" book,  _Being Evil but not Being Overly Dramatic With Your Smirking for Dummies._

 **Thing # 5:** The latest issue of " _Extremely_  Quick Personality Alterations Weekly."

What do you guys think? Sound like her wish list? Well, I'll tell you, this came straight from the source. I messaged Morgana on her new Facebook page (see my newest multi-chapter Merlin fic,  _Rosco the Time-Traveling Salesman_ , for more details on  _that_ ) about what she would like me to give her for her birthday. I, on the other hand, already had  _my_  list of the top five things I want to give Morgana for her birthday. Ready? Okay. Here we go:

**TOP FIVE THINGS _I_ WOULD GET MORGANA FOR HER BIRTHDAY (Arthur, take note of this, might give you some ideas.)**

**Thing # 1:** A bomb in her underwear drawer.

 **Thing # 2:** The cure for Smirk Syndrome (which I've discovered is a swift kick in the rear).

 **Thing # 3:** A life.

 **Thing # 4:** A clue.

 **Thing # 5:** A playful baby monkey that likes to throw poo at evil lying she-witches of doom.

Okay, there you go, Arthur. Some ideas on what to get your evil little friend for her birthday. Take heed and listen to my words. Hopefully with our combined efforts, the smirker will be all smirked out.

But, alas, as I said in the last chapter, no one ever listens to me. Merlin asks what Arthur's going to give to her, and Arthur says, "A dagger." Merlin's face is all like, "Uh-oh." I half expected him to do like Wiley Coyote in those old cartoons and hold up a big sign that says,  _HELP_  in big red letters.

See, Merlin's not just upset because he knows that in the future he saw, Morgana was going to use a dagger to kill Uther (his line of reasoning being, "Oh no, Morgana is going to get Arthur's present and decide to stab Uther, never mind the fact that there are swords and knives lying around everywhere in the castle). He's also glum because he was really,  _really_  hoping that Arthur would take my advice and put a bomb in her underwear drawer. I know, Merlin. I know. *sighs*

Okay, okay. So maybe it was more of the first thing. Merlin saw the future, and in the future, Morgana had this really beautiful, ornate, bejeweled dagger and was offing Uther with it. So he automatically concludes – THAT'S THE DAGGER!

As he's on his way to wherever he's going (probably to tattle to Gaius about Arthur's gift for Morgana and have another "what do we do" therapy session), Merlin sees Morgana struggling with her rearing horse. And I'm thinking… "Yay, it's happening? She's gonna get trampled? YES!

But sadly that's a big, fat no.

Anyway, so he goes to Gaius and tells him about the dagger and the horse. It's kind of funny, because when he first tells Gaius about seeing the exact same vision of Morgana calming her horse (it's probably rearing because she spit in its breakfast), Gaius sounds and looks really alarmed and is like, "Are you certain?" And Merlin says yes, and then Gaius doesn't look worried in the slightest and tells Merlin off for being so paranoid. So either he changed his mind  _really_  quickly about the danger, or just wanted to calm Merlin down. Or maybe he had a sudden epiphany about how if he were a merman, he would want to swim become best friends with a seven legged octopus named Barry. I think it's the last one meself.

And then Gaius became my best friend because he said that the sight of Morgana riding a horse was certainly not something to be viewed as a harbinger of doom. OF DOOM! Heck YES! Finally,  _finally_  someone uses my word in Merlin! I bet Gaius reads "Reflections." That's gotta be it! I bet one of you reviewers is actually Gaius using an obscure screen name. So who is it? Kitty O? Tianne? Oh oh oh maybe Christina B? Come on, guys, which one of you is Gaius? My theory is that Gaius read this and said, "Oh I'm SO going to say OF DOOM to make Emachinescat flip out on her readers.

_He said OF DOOM!_

Okay, I  _think_  I got that out of my system. We'll see.

OF DOOM!

Merlin and Arthur dialogue time! My favorite parts of the chapter! Lemme set up the scene here first, and we'll get'er rolling. So: Arthur's sitting at a table with a small box/chest thing in front of him, looking at it. Merlin walks in an Arthur looks up.

ARTHUR: Ah. Merlin. (Have you ever noticed how often says "ah" before "Merlin"? If he's not careful, the poor kid's going to start thinking his name is "Ah Merlin." Kind of like how babies and kittens think their names are "Awww!" and how any spider that's ever come in contact with me thinks that its name is "ACK! KILL IT!") Have you done my clothes for the feast?  
MERLIN: Aaah…no. (But it's not his fault, Arthur! He's trying to stop the evil lying she-witch of doom from killing your obnoxious father of doom!)  
ARTHUR: Oh, no, no. What  _have_ you been doing? (I'm on the verge of just giving Arthur a point just for the tone he uses here, but rules are rules, plus Team Merlin just got in the lead and I want it to stay that way if all possible. And no, I'm not biased. Why would you think that? I'm hurt.)  
MERLIN: Um… (How about… trying to save your father's arrogant, hypocritical backside once again? Oh yeah – I went there! And this time, I bought a deed!  
ARTHUR: Right, well you can  _start_  (anyone else LOVE the way Arthur super pronounces some of his words? I think it's kind of hot, even though I am full-fledged Team Merlin!) by pressing my robes (throws the robes in Merlin's face), and, uh, cleaning my shirts (tosses the shirts in Merlin's face), and, ah! polishing my boots! (And yes, folks – he does throw his boots at Merlin. He gives Merlin this glare, but it's not an "I'm unforgivingly angry at you" glare, just a "Merlin, you are an  _idiot_ " glare. Point Arthur for that whole sequence. See, I may be on Merlin's side, but I always give points where points are due. So you can't say I'm biased.)  
MERLIN: (looks at the chest/box thing that Arthur has in front of him)  
ARTHUR: Ah. Morgana's present. What do you think? (Merlin gets closer and it's kind of funny because the poor guy looks  _terrified_  and Arthur's probably thinking, "Why's he scared of a bloody  _birthday present_?" Oh right. Because Arthur's a prat. So Arthur pulls out this very plain, very normal dagger and Merlin just about melts on the spot. It's not the dagger he saw in the future? Then does that mean his job's over and he can go home early, kick back, relax, and enjoy the party? *scoffs* I'm sure he would like that, but AS. IF.) Beautiful, isn't it? Feel the balance. Feel the sharpness of the blade. (Ah, I'd rather not, Artie old pal. You see, if I feel the sharpness of the blade, I'm probably going to be feeling it piercing my skin and spilling my blood. I have a way with knives… forks… anything sharp and potentially dangerous. Heck, I'm not even allowed to use a plastic spoon by myself!)  
MERLIN: (laughs like an euphoric idiot) Yeah. It's what every woman wants, isn't it? (Oh, good use of sarcasm Merlin - POINT MERLIN! And, no, I told you, Merlin, every woman (and man) wants a llama named Gary Gootenburger. Get with the program. Oh, and Merlin, I don't know a whole lot about messing with the future– although I have watched Doctor Who – but I'm pretty sure you should keep your mouth shut just about now. Why? I don't know, I just have a gut feeling… and yeah, I may have watched the episode before as well.)  
ARTHUR: What do you mean? (Nothing! He means nothing! Just go back to your business, Arthur, there's nothing to see here!)  
MERLIN: Well, I'm no expert, but don't women only go for pretty things, like jewelry? (Okay, first – that's  _so_ stereotypical. We also like ugly things, or pretend to, if they're given to us by someone who's feelings we don't want to hurt. Second – Merlin SHUT UP! Don't listen to him Arthur, he's currently suffering from foot in mouth syndrome, soon to be my dirty gym socks in his mouth syndrome if he doesn't shut up.)

And of course Arthur gets this thoughtful look on his face as Merlin walks off and we all  _know_  what he's thinking.

May I be the first to say – Merlin, you idiot! There. I feel  _muuuch_ better now (although I would feel even  _more_ better if Merlin would agree to marry me).

This next scenes is totally cute. Merlin's finally chilled out because he thinks that Morgana's going to get the plain ole dagger for her birthday. He comes down the stairs from his room and spins in a circle and says, "How do I look?"

Gaius is like, "The same as always."

And Merlin says, "Handsome?"

I just about DIED there! Yes, Merlin! You are the most handsome man I have EVER laid eyes upon! *faints* Catch me!

So Merlin determines to have fun and enjoy the feast (although, if nothing has changed since season one, episode four (The Poisoned Chalice), then he's going to be there to make sure Arthur's cup doesn't run dry), even if it is for Morgana's birthday.

When Morgana opens her presents, she gets a dagger from Arthur – but of course, as most of us already would have guessed (I say most, because I'm sure there were a few odd people in the bunch that saw the normal dagger and said, "Oh, yay, nothing to worry about. Let's go get pie.") it's not the same dagger Arthur showed Merlin – it's the "pretty" one Merlin saw in the crystal. Wow, Merlin. Didn't I tell you to keep your mouth shut? *sigh* I think I'm going to give up talking to the TV, books, inanimate objects, and my aching knees. They never listen to me. (For a little more information on my aching knees, if for some strange reason you're interested – and if you are, I'm touched – see the Author's Note that always ends every chapter of this story.)

Arthur goes up to Merlin and says, "It's not often you're right,  _Mer_ lin, but this is one of those rare occasions. Girls do like pretty things. Thanks!" Point Arthur. Facepalm Merlin.

So of course Merlin is now no longer chillin' and back to bugging out.

The next few scenes are pretty straightforward and depressing and don't need that much commentary, but they lead to the really sad, sad stuff I was talking about earlier. Merlin decides that he's going to have to start staking out Morgana's rooms because he's not going to let Uther die. I'm glad that he's so determined and all, but I'd be more enthusiastic about his crazed obsession with stopping Morgana if someone else's life, besides Uther's, was on the line, like Arthur's, or somehow even Merlin's (because we all know that us Team Merlin peeps are still in some serious need of a good Merlin whumping). Morgana gets a mirror from Morgause that apparently she breathes on and it gives her a message from the other evil lying-she witch of doom, which she does, after giving Gwen one of her birthday presents for being so kind to her. I was actually like, "That's the old Morgana!" and I was so happy and then I realized that Morgana was just trying to get Gwen off her back. I  _really_  wish Arthur would've gone with  _my_ birthday gift list for Morgana.

So basically what happens is a big misunderstanding. She gets a message from her psycho sister to meet her in the Darkling Woods later. Merlin's staking out Morgana's room, Morgana comes out, sheathes her dagger, and Merlin thinks she's off to kill Uther. So he starts manipulating the stuff around her just to try to stop her, but it all goes wrong when he accidentally makes her fall down the stairs and bust her head open.

And we know Merlin. Even though she's an evil lying she-witch of doom, he's going to beat himself up for accidentally hurting her. And apparently she's hurt  _bad._

Gaius stitches up her head while a traumatized Arthur and Gwen look on, and he tells them that he can heal the skin, but the damage has already been done because her skull is cracked. So basically, Morgana is going to die. I expected to be happy when this happens, but apparently one little stubborn part of me is clinging on to the Morgana that used to be, the one that would go out of her way to help anyone, no matter the cost. I didn't want to see her die. Not yet anyway. And not by anyone else's hand but mine, hee hee. Um, anyway.

Gaius tries to comfort him, to tell him it's not his fault, he didn't mean to, but Merlin's tearing himself to pieces. Poor guy has dealt with so much angst, I don't know how he doesn't spontaneously combust or something.

Now we're going to change tones for a few minutes before I wrap up this chapter, and I'm not going to commentate too much, but I'm going to straight out give to you the quotes/conversations that really tore me apart after Morgana gets injured. I bawled like a baby and I'm preparing myself to do so again as I re-watch these parts to write them out (and might I say, absolutely INCREDIBLE, HEARTWRENCHING acting from all actors involved in these sequences). Here goes the first one:

MERLIN: I'm sorry about Morgana. If Gaius could do something… he would.  
ARTHUR: After all we went through to rescue her. For her to survive all that…  
MERLIN: I know.  
ARTHUR: To lose her now, like this… I've grown up with her, she's like a sister to me. I'd sacrifice my place on the throne for her to see another sunrise.

And of course you see the whole time that Merlin's about to burst into tears because he knows what happened and he feels so guilty.

Okay, I'll give you the other gut-wrenching convo in a moment, but first, let's talk about what a hypocrite and a liar and a horrible person Uther is, so that I won't feel as guilty about feeling sorry for him a little later (you'll see what I'm talking about).

Uther spends about five minutes talking in circles with Gaius, trying to get the point across that he wants Gaius to do  _anything_  to save her. It's obvious he's saying, "I don't care if it's magic you fool, SAVE HER!" but Gaius doesn't seem to grasp that concept. Merlin gets to the door and is about to come in when he overhears their conversation:

GAIUS: I wish there was something I could do.  
UTHER: No, you don't understand. I cannot lose her. No matter what happens, she cannot die.  
GAIUS: I will do everything I can, Sire.  
UTHER: No. Gaius, whatever it takes. Whatever, I don't care. You  _must_  save her.  
GAIUS: If I knew a way…  
UTHER: You're not understanding me, Gaius.  _Cure her._ I don't care what remedy you use. In all these books, there must be something. Something in the Old Religion. (Okay, I know I said I wouldn't interject here, but for goodness' sake, he's actually suggesting magic! Ooooh, that hypocrite! So it's punishable by death for someone to cure their dying father, but when  _he's_  losing someone  _he_  cares about, it's on the up-and-up? What a hypocrite. Okay, won't rant about this again – this chapter at least. Sorry to interrupt the "touching, dramatic" moment, but this just ticks me off. I'll let you get back to your angst now.)  
GAIUS: Are you suggesting…?  
UTHER: Sorcery. (HYPOCRITE! Sorry.) Yes.  
GAIUS: I know she's dear to you, Sire, but surely you're not going to risk everything for Morgana.  
UTHER: Gaius. You don't understand. There's something you need to know. Something I've told no one. (DRAMATIC PAUSE) Morgana is my daughter.

…

O.O

…

Okay, no, seriously, I really was NOT that surprised. I was like, well, duh. In Arthurian legend, Morgan Le Fay and Arthur Pendragon were half siblings. Morgan Le Fay was taken to the Isle of the Blest by the high priestess Morgause, who in turn trained Morgan Le Fay to be a priestess. One of the rites of passage for Arthur to become king was to sleep with a priestess, and he was tricked into sleeping with Morgan Le Fay, who he did not know was his sister. Together, they bore a child, Mordred, who eventually grew up to be twisted and evil and killed Arthur.

So yeah. It was no surprise to me.

But if you didn't suspect it, or you didn't know any of the stories, then you probably had the above reaction.

Just so you know, I like the show the way it is. A lot of people complain about it not being accurate to the legends, but do we  _really_  want to see the aforementioned scandal? Well, some people might, but I, for one, am a lover of wholesome television, and shows that I can watch with my grandmother without blushing (so far, we've gone through the whole first season of Merlin with my Nana, and I haven't blushed once!). But anyway. Love the way they made the story.

I probably should mention that while Uther's telling Gaius all this, Morgana's fingers twitch ever so slightly and you can see her eyes moving slowly behind the lids. You know what this means?

Oh, yeah.

Trouble.

Okay, so, the other scene that just about broke my heart into a million pieces, and actually made me feel bad for Uther.

MERLIN: Sire. This is from Gaius. He thought it might… help ease your mind.  
UTHER: (stares out of the window, anguish written on his face) You're Gaius's boy.  
MERLIN: He is my guardian.  
UTHER: You're like a son to him.  
MERLIN: Yes.  
UTHER: I've seen the way he cares for you. You feel your child's every joy… and their pain. You watch their failings and you see their own. All you want is for their happiness, for them to escape the sufferings of life. W-Why has this happened? I would do anything – anything (puts his hand over his mouth and starts sobbing)

An incredible performance by Anthony Head, I must say. I think this was the part that got me the most in this episode. I think it's because a parent should never have to feel the pain of their child dying. That's got to be the worst kind of pain there is. And I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Not even Uther.

Very powerful scene, I'm about to start bawling.

*clears throat* Er… okay. Back to the normal. *takes a deep breath, wipes eyes, blows nose on the closest thing to me, which happens to be Merlin's neckerchief, nervous chuckle* Errr…. Sorry Merlin. Anyway.

Wow. That was heavy, even for me! I don't want to leave you all on a sad note, so how about I tell you guys a joke or two to ease the tension? Ready?

Okay, joke number one:  ** _A string walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind." So the string leaves and ties himself in a knot and pulls at the threads that make him up, making him kind of fuzzy. He goes back into the bar and the bartender says, "I told you, we don't serve strings." And the string says, "But I'm not a string!" And the bartender says, "You're not?" And the string says, "No, I'm a frayed knot."_** Get it? A frayed knot? Afraid not? Hahahahaha… ahhh.

Joke number two: (If you're offended by blonde jokes, I apologize supremely, but honestly, they don't bother me. Of course, I'm a Brunette, but that's another matter. LOL! But know I don't mean it, because I think everyone, not just people of a certain hair color, has equal potential to be complete morons. But this actually doesn't matter anyway because I have modified the joke to fit our show. Instead of three blondes, our characters will be Uther, Morgana, and Morgause.)  ** _Uther, Morgana, and Morgause were walking through the forest when they came upon a set of tracks. Uther said, "Those are deer tracks." Morgana said, "No, those are elk tracks." Morgause said, "You're both wrong, those are moose tracks." They were still arguing when the train hit them_**. Heehee… I know it's mean, but come on! It's funny! And didn't adding Morgana, Uther, and Morgause make it that much better!

AAAAND… joke number three, my personal favorite:

**_Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"_ **

**_So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one._ **

**_Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw._ **

**_St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!" The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman._ **

**_The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps._ **

**_She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word._ **

**_The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"_ **

**_The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"_ **

*dies laughing*

* * *

**Stats:**

**Burn Meter 5000:**  
Part 2: Arthur 2, Merlin 1  
This Episode so Far: Arthur 4, Merlin 9  
Total: Arthur 28, Merlin 30

 **Shirtless Arthur Scenes:**  
Part 2 : 0  
This Episode so Far: 0  
Total: 3

 **Smirk-O-Meter**  
Part 2: 2  
This Episode so far: 2  
Total: 25


	12. The Crystal Cave III

Not only does Merlin have to witness Uther's breakdown (*sob, I  _hate_ that I felt sorry for him*) at Morgana's imminent death, but he watches Arthur suffer as well. I think that seeing Arthur hurt is what really makes up his mind about what he must do. Merlin walks out into the rain to see Arthur beating the crap out of a practice dummy on the training field. And, as we learned from a previous Arthur and Morgana interaction in season one, _The Gates of Avalon_ :

MORGANA: And… killing things mends a broken heart?  
ARTHUR: No, but it's great fun.

So apparently Arthur's trying to kill this practice dummy to relieve some of his depression, anxiety, worry, fear…

Maybe I should try to take out my anger on my grandmother's scarecrow, Jimmy. I'm sure she wouldn't mind; he doesn't do a very good job of keeping the crows away anyway.

I know, I know. *holds hands up in surrender* Not the time for jokes. I'm just trying to lighten the mood because this part makes me so freaking sad – and the fact that I'm sad makes me mad because I cannot celebrate the end of the evil lying she-witch of doom properly.

Nah, as I said earlier, although I detest Morgana after how much she's changed, a part of me (a teeny, weeny, itty bitty, microscopic part of me) is still clinging on to what she once was. I think about how much she cared about people in season one and a big part of season two and I want the old Morgana back… although we know it is never to be…

Sorry if this episode turned out to be a bit more depressing than most; I'll do my best to strategically place random jokes at the most inappropriate intervals to give you a little bit of giggles during the emotional end of this episode.

**_What do you get when you cross a rooster and a small dog?_ **

**_Cocka-poodle-doo!_ **

Okay, so the rest of it isn't going to be  _that_  depressing. I just  _really_ wanted to tell that joke! Hee hee. Anyway…

After watching Arthur grieving, Merlin returns to Gaius's chambers and hears Morgana struggling to breathe. Gwen's sitting by her side, the ever-loyal servant (although we've seen the way she grieves – clinging on to Arthur and touching his face), about to fall to pieces. Gaius says her breath is leaving (Morgana's obviously, not Gwen's) and that she will be gone by morning.

What does Merlin do?

Does he do a happy dance, relieved that the evil lying she-witch of doom will no longer be trying to kill him and his BFF? Does he say, "Aw, man, what a shame – who's up for pizza?" Does he even solemnly but wisely accept her fate and the part he inadvertently played in it, and the agonizing grief Camelot will go through because of this blessing in disguise?

Nope.

He summons the Awkward Yet Still Totally Loveable Dragon – who we haven't seen since episode two. Hey Dragon! Dragon, guess what? We're having an Awesome People Party of Doom! You're not invited though. Don't be sad, though, it's not because we don't like you or anything – we think dragons are the bees knees, which really doesn't make much sense since bees don't have knees as far as we know) – but it  _is_  an Awesome _People_  Party of Doom, and you're not a people – at least, I don't think you are. Are dragons people? Didn't think so. Anyway, I don't think you'd fit in my house, and I might get in trouble if you smash our new Wii – by accident of course.

So Merlin calls on The Existential Dragon, and Kilgharra shows up and gives him the low-down. "Yo, D-man, Morgana is dying and I did it. I feel guilty and junk because Uther's crying, Arthur's killing inanimate objects, and Gwen is touching Arthur's face. Oh yeah, and Morgana's his kid because Uther slept with her mom because he's a jerkwad of doom… Yep. That's wazzup."

Don't know why Merlin went gangsta or whatever that was, but the point still remains – he feels so guilty about accidentally almost killing the evil lying she-witch of DOOM that he wants Bob to save her. And may I just say, Bob's not too happy about this development. The Dragonator is content to sit back, munch on some house-sized popcorn, and watch her die slowly and painfully…

Wow, I'm making the Existential Dragon sound like a big jerk. *singsong voice* But if the giant dragon-shoe fi-its…"

Nah, I sort of like Bob. Actually I do like him, even though he attacked Camelot and tricked Merlin into trading his mummy's life for Arthur's… He's a dragon, and dragons are cool, plus he's saved Merlin and Arthur's butts many times before. It's just… he can be a bit callous sometimes, you know what I mean?

Not that I'm saying I'm not – I don't know how many times this story I've wished for Morgana's death (Example #1 – bomb in underwear drawer). But I wasn't being serious. Well, completely serious anyway. I loved Morgana in the first two seasons, and she's annoying in this season, but maybe (hopefully, *crosses fingers and does the ancient and powerful anti-smirk of DOOM dance* – similar to the rain-dance but involves much more pirouetting) she'll actually morph into a good (and by good I mean bad) and believable villain in series four. Which, by the way, is being cut down to ten episodes. Not. Cool. (Not that I'm going to complain, at least we're getting another season, hopefully another two…)

Erm, anyway. Merlin and Bob have a pretty intense conversation, which I have preserved on this screen page thing for you, combined with my awesome sarcastic powers of DOOM!

THE EXISTENTIAL DRAGON: You summoned me, young warlock. (Noooo… really? Yeah, I totally summoned you so you could tell me I summoned you… Wooow…) And to what do I owe the pleasure… this time? (What? Merlin always has to have a reason to come and visit? He can't just come and chat, shoot the breeze, invite you to play a round of mini-golf…? Oh right. Merlin does only come when he needs/wants/demands something but it's not his fault that you're crabby, only talk in riddles, and are WAY too big to fit into the pixie pink castle on hole nine of the putt putt course!)  
MERLIN: I've been to the Crystal Cave. I saw Morgana making an attempt on Uther's life.  
THE DRAGONATOR: It does not surprise me. (Gee, what a surprise. Nothing  _ever_  surprises you, does it, Bob? I bet I could tell you that " _braccas meas vescimini"_ means 'eat my pants' in Greek – which it does – and you would say. "That does not surprise me." Or "That's not very nice." Or "No way I'm eating your pants, that's nasty!" Or maybe even, "Okay, yummy!" Er…anyway.)  
MERLIN: Well I stopped her. (Durn right he did. And now he's wanting to un-stop her.)  
DRAGON ALMIGHTY: To change the future is no simple matter, Merlin. (Nooo, really?) To do so is fraught with danger. (You don't say… *rolls eyes, why do you think I'm here, Kilgharra? To play chess? Because I'm not…uuunless it's Wizard's Chess. Then I'm all for it. Hee hee…)  
MERLIN: I know, and as a result of my actions Morgana is dying. (And Gwen's touching Arthur's face!)  
THE AWKWARD YET STILL TOTALLY LOVEABLE DRAGON: Then you should rejoice. (How RUDE! Telling Merlin what to do… Oh, and I guess it was a teensy bit rude to tell Merlin he should frolic in the daisy's that Morgana's about to be pushing up, but she's an evil lying she-witch of doom, so I'm not going to scold him for that.)  
MERLIN: (smiles and nods) I want you to help me to save her. (There we go again with the determination to see good in others! Merlin, it will be your undoing, remember? Or maybe you just want to save her to make your friends feel better? Well, she's a murderous evil lying she witch of apocalyptic proportions, and she HATES all your friends, so how exactly are  _dead friends_  better than  _sad friends_? Please, tell me. I'm intrigued.)  
BOB: Merlin, have you learned nothing?  
MERLIN: I did not mean to kill her. All I wanted was to avoid the future that would have unfolded. (Well, it looks like it was a twofer, eh, Merlin ole pal?) To prevent Uther's death, to prevent Camelot from being torn apart.  
KILGHARRA: I will  _not_  cure her! (Rawr. Touchy.)  
MERLIN: She is Uther's daughter.  
THE D-MAN: Yes. (Okay, here we go with the no surprises thing! Isn't it annoying when you try to catch someone off guard and they never act surprised? Hmm… Hey Kilgharra did you know that the actual definition of 'dude' is an infected hair on an elephant's posterior? "Yees… I'm not surprised…" *harrumphs* Know it all.)

So anyway, Merlin's none too pleased that Bob didn't ever tell him. He tries to persuade him again to help Morgana but the D-Man says, "The witch must die, as she should have long ago." Wow. Kilgharra really seems to have it out for Morgana. I know he knows her future and all, but seriously? That sounds like something more personal than anything. Maybe they had something going on at one point and she left him for someone else? Or she told him his snout's too long and hurt his ickle feelings? Or she went ahead and told him the ending of the seventh Harry Potter book before he had a chance to read it (that's something I'd kill over, hee hee…)?

So anyway, The Awkward Yet Still Totally Loveable Dragon flat out refuses to save her. So Merlin, being a Dragonlord and all, commands him to, which doesn't set well with Mr. Grumpy Scales. I can understand that to an extent, though. Merlin just sort of lorded over the dragon (well, he is a dragonlord, but still...) and didn't pay heed to the warning that the evil that will follow is all Merlin's fault. I think Merlin could've been a little nicer about the whole thing if you ask me…

But we all make mistakes, eh? And now, we've got drama going on between Bob and Merlin. Makes for even more… well… drama. Ahem.

So Kilgharra zooms off, mad, and Merlin hurries back to Camelot, where he uses the spell the dragon breathed into him to cure Morgana. Great. And she's back. Can we go hide from her wrath now?

It's kind of funny, though, after he heals her, Merlin gets this look on his face like, "Oh, no… what have I done…?"

So Gaius apparently doesn't know about Merlin's little adventure and is shocked when he comes back into his chambers to see Morgana awake and Uther holding her in his arms. Morgana looks all sappy and relieved to be back with her "guardian" but we know she hates him anyway, and since she obviously heard that he's her father… well, it's painfully obvious to everyone not in the TV that it's all LIES! (Thus, evil LYING she-witch of doom.)

A little later, Uther thanks Gaius, who – quite honestly – says that he didn't do anything. Uther's like, "Oh, no, of course you didn't, I understand, my lips are sealed…" Obviously Uther thinks that Gaius used magic to cure Morgana, but because Uther's a hypocrite, he doesn't even bat an eyelid. Yeah, totally disregard the episode in season two,  _The Witchfinder_ , when Uther came within  _inches_  of burning poor Gaius at the stake for finding a glowing amulet in his chambers…

Uther's a loser.

But as usual, the one who actually did the saving of Morgana, the one who always saves the day, gets no acknowledgement. But I have to wonder how Uther would react if he found out that it was Merlin that saved Morgana. Would he be grateful that Morgana was alive and then execute Merlin for being a sorcerer in Camelot all this time? Probably. Why? Because Uther's a dwonk and Arthur's a prat and because if you blow bubbles in your milk it makes a funny noise.

So afterwards, Gaius finds Merlin, who is beating himself up over the whole thing. They talk about what's been going on, but I'm not going into that, you can watch the episode for yourself, because I want to get to the good stuff.

Hee hee.

Morgana and Uther are talking, and Morgana's pushing Uther about their relationship now that she knows who her daddy really is. He's all like, "You're like my daughter…"

And Morgana's like, "But no one knows that. Everyone thinks I'm just your ward…"

And then Uther says, "It doesn't matter what they think. They can jump in the lake. All that matters are our feelings…"

Okay, first off, that's a paraphrase. Secondly, that sounds a little too much like something Edward would say to Bella or vice versa for it to be a father/daughter moment. Thirdly, I'm pretty sure Morgana feels like she's going to kill you soon, Uther, judging by the angry, depressed face she pulls behind your back when you leave. I kind of feel bad for her here. Almost. But she and Uther are both such jerks, they kind of cancel each other out in my feeling bad for them and all.

Morgause knocks out a servant and sneaks in to visit Morgana because she's worried about her sister. Awww… the bonds between evil lying she witches. Blech. Quick, Merlin, while they're in one place – kill them both! *laughs like a crazed, psycho maniac* MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA – HA – HA - *cough* Ooh. Hairball. I don't even  _want_  to know how that got there…

Anyway, Morgause is thrilled when Morgana tells her that she's Uther's daughter because she now has a "legitimate claim to the throne," never mind the mental agony little sis is going through at finding out her own father cared more about keeping his reputation clean (HA! Clean reputation after murdering a bunch of people for having magic? Yeah right.) than claiming his own flesh and blood. This is just one of the reasons I believe that Morgause, loving sister as she may seem to be, would probably drop Morgana in a heartbeat if it was beneficial to her. I could be wrong, but I have NO respect for Morgause. She's one character in Merlin that I cannot stand, even if she is a great (and by great I mean bad) villain.

Morgana doesn't care about the fact that she is one of Uther's heirs any more than she does about why cheese turns green when left out in the sun or why the square root of pi isn't apple (haha, get it? Apple? Erch…) and wants Uther to pay. Morgause suddenly acts like she cares and doesn't want to leave Morgana in this emotional state, but she has to when the warning bells go off.

Morgause sneaks by them all and gets away without incident. Darn. I was hoping for a rousing game of sword tag or Dagger May I.

When Gaius is checking over the servant that was knocked out, Merlin sees something that makes him freak out again like he did at the cave. A goblet of wine had spilled beside the servant, and when Gaius lifts the dude's (and no, he's not an infected hair on an elephant's posterior, 'dude' is also a slang word that means 'man') limp arm, the wine drips off his fingers. The second image he saw in the crystals. He figures out what it means – he didn't stop anything. He caused it by interfering.

Dear Merlin, dear Merlin. Told you not to try to change the future. Unless the future says I don't exist or we don't get married. Then fiddle around with it all you want, by all means. Hee hee. Seriously, Merlin should watch  _Doctor Who_. He'd probably learn a thing or two.

So he hurries off to try and stop Morgana, who is sulking (and plotting) in her room. Merlin races down the hall and barges into Morgana's room right as she sheathes her knife. YAY, more Morgana and Merlin interactions! My favorite!

MORGANA: What are you doing here?  
MERLIN: Asking you out on a date to go see the new Narnia movie. I hear Aslan is pretty epic in it… What do you THINK I'm doing, she-witch? I'm saving Uther and you from your own hatred because I'm (thunder rolls) Merlin! (That was my fantasy, by the way. Didn't actually happen that way. This is the real deal:) Arthur sent me to look after you. He's worried about the intruder.  
MORGANA: I don't need you. (walks toward the door)  
MERLIN: (intercepts her) He was quite insistent.  
MORGANA: (tries to hit him, Merlin grabs her wrist…AW, they do love each other! *sigh* That deep, dark, secret part of my mind wishes that were true… Curse Mergana for being so appealing to me! She panics.) GET OUT OF MY WAY! (her eyes turn gold because of her emotions and she throws Merlin against the wall, where he gets knocked out. Whoo! A tiny little Merlin-whump! It's better than nothing, I'd say! And then it knocked over a candle, which catches the curtain near Merlin on fire… She looks at the death trap Merlin seems to be in… and smirks, and then walks away, ready to kill Uther…)

Oh, and we get a really gorgeous close up of Merlin's face after he gets knocked out! Just sayin'.

What follows is a dramatic montage of shots (set to totally dramatic music) alternating between scenes of Morgana walking toward Uther's chambers, guards running, and Merlin's prone figure huddled unconscious in a ring of fire in Morgana's room.

And then…his eyes open. He… well, he roars. He dashes to Uther's chambers, where Morgana is about to plunge her dagger into her father… and he uses his awesome magic of doom to make his window shatter, causing her to drop and hide the knife and Uther to wake up. Strangely, neither of them even take a second glance at the magically shattered window as Morgana lies and said she was scared and wanted to see him… they hug and Merlin gazes at them like, "Oh geez."

WHEN WILL THE LIES END?

Sorry, just wanted to say that.

The episode ends with another Dora moment – We did it, we did it, we did it, yay! Bravicimo, we did it! Morgana nearly died and it's all my fault, yeah we did it! I abused my powers and she's plotting our doom, yeah we did it! Yay!"

Uh, all that to say, Gaius and Merlin discuss the events of the episode and it ends with Gaius telling Merlin that he's going to really have to look out for Arthur now (as if Merlin's not already got his back, eh?) because now that Morgana knows the truth, he is the only thing that stands between her and the throne if Uther dies.

DUN DUN DUN!

And… _fin!_

* * *

**Stats:**

**Burn Meter 5000:**  
Part 3: Arthur 0, Merlin 0 (NONE? HOW SAD…)  
This Episode so Far: Arthur 4, Merlin 9  
Total: Arthur 28, Merlin 30

 **Shirtless Arthur Scenes:**  
Part 3 : 0  
This Episode so Far: 0  
Total: 3

 **Smirk-O-Meter**  
Part 3: 6  
This Episode so far: 8  
Total: 31


	13. The Changeling I

This has got to be one of my favorite comic episodes of the third season! And this episode only strengthens my belief that BBC uses ninjas with spy cameras, little cameras that look like jelly beans, or  _something_  to spy on me so they can model their characters after me and my friends.

Seriously.

First they modeled Arthur and Merlin's relationship off of mine with my best friend, April. No joke – before the idea of Merlin was even put out there, I was just like Merlin and she Arthur. She's sarcastic, can be bossy, calls me names (she called me a flea bag! A  _flea bag!_ ), throws things at me, smacks me when I tease her (and even when I don't, bless her) and last time she came to my house, she sat on my bed and watched me as I cleaned up the mess! Is that not Arthur? And me – I'm clumsy, witty (at least in my own mind, ha ha!), sarcastic, and always get beat up by my friend and I can be a bit thick sometimes... Plus, I'm totally adorable. And modest. Yep. Completely modest.

Weird, huh?

And now they decided to spy on me  _again_  to get their inspiration for Princess Elena! I'm torn between being flattered and paranoid… What's next? They'll come out with a new show where the main character will be a quirky and sarcastic young woman who has no life and instead spends all her spare time writing fan-fiction? And she'll always say OF DOOM and make stupid jokes and… *panics* It's a CONSPIRACY!

Anyway, rabbit trail. Oooh, bunny! Where? Ahem.

So, this episode starts off like a fairy tale. Seriously… there's even a pink castle (my dream home, by the way…). PINK! At first I thought it was Camelot and I cracked up.

UTHER: Gaius, I'm thinking about remodeling the castle.  
GAIUS: The castle, sire? But it's been this way for years. Why would you want to change it now?  
UTHER: Because I'm getting in touch with my feminine side, Gaius! I've already made my bedroom lavender and I'm changing Camelot's colors to baby blue and periwinkle, and instead of a dragon on the crest, it's going to be a My Little Pony! And I'm changing my last name to My Little Pen-Pony. Oh oh oh! And instead of arrows, our bows will be stocked with flowers – not roses of course, because the thorns might hurt if they poke someone in the eye – and no more burning people at the stake! Instead, we'll hug them until the evil is smushed right out of them.  
GAIUS: Hug the evil out? *shrugs* Aaaalright… come over here, you big lug! (Wraps Uther in a giant bear hug and picks him up off the ground.  
UTHER: What are you doing?  
GAIUS: You said to hug the evil out of people… forgive me sire, I have a feeling this embrace is going to last a long time…

Heehee… If that were the case, I'd SO claim Merlin was evil just so I could cure him of it with a never ending hug...

But anyway, the pink castle. So when it comes on the screen, Barbie's eyes are going wide and she's beating the crap out of Ken screaming, "THAT'S  _MY_  HOUSE!"

But the episode sets up very similar to a fairy tale – I got sleeping beauty vibes from it. A little baby – we're assuming she's a girl since she's in a pink bed in a pink room in a pink castle, unless she's a he and, like Uther, is trying to get in touch with his feminine side. And the baby is so cute! But her parents need to have some sense slapped into them. Who on earth leaves their little baby up in a lone room in a castle to fend for themselves with a window open, while devious blue fairies seek for a child to possess? I mean, seriously.

And when said devious blue fairy enters the room – the same blue fairy that wanted that Sophia chick to sacrifice Arthur to the Sidhe in season one episode seven (I know, I know, I'm a nerd) – and possesses the cute little baby whose parents left vulnerable, the baby wakes up and cries. I'd cry too if there was a tiny little man inside of me.

Oooh – buzz word! Do you know the word for "tiny little man?" It's  _homunculus_! You can use it in all kinds of sentences, especially since most people don't have the first clue what it means. I personally think it should mean a clan of war-like squirrels from northern Canada that spend their spare time writing limericks about origami. When I wrote that definition out on my vocabulary test, my teacher sent me to a brain doctor for an evaluation. Go figure.

As I was saying, I'd cry too if I had a homunculus inside of me … or maybe I wouldn't. That would be kind of cool, don't you think, to have a little man living in you? I'd name my inner-homunculus Randalf and we'd play poker and sing duets and roast marshmallows and… Hmmm…. Now I'm jealous of little Elena. I wonder where I can get me one of these little blue homunculuses? Or homunculi?

I got a Sleeping Beauty vibe from the beginning, as I said. Sleeping Beauty: Little baby princess, destined for greatness, gets cursed by an evil witch as a child to prick her finger on a spinning wheel and die on her sixteenth birthday. Homunculus Beauty: Little baby princess, destined for greatness, gets cursed (not to mention, possessed) by an evil winged blue man – we're going to call him Roy; he looks like a Roy – to be, well, un-princessy, I guess.

But honestly, even though Gaius claims she would feel better without the little dude inside of her, I think that Elena is AWESOME the way she is. I mean, come on, in every fairy tale, the princess wears beautiful, elaborate dresses, is graceful, refined, has manners, is charming… This girl is none of those things. First off, that dress she wears makes her look like a banana – and not a curvy, princess-esque banana either. Like a banana that's been left in the sun too long. And she's anything but graceful – almost as clumsy as me, but I don't think that's possible – not refined in the slightest, has  _no_ manners and is most certainly  _not_  charming.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying this is a bad thing – I'm saying it makes her awesome because she's a non-conformist. She's sticking it to the man! She farts in public, picks her teeth, trips over nothing, sneezes on people, and eats live amphibians! How original is that for a princess? If I were a princess, I'd be like Elena (well obviously, since the BBC modeled her after me), except for the whole frog thing. I could've done without.

So after the whole pre-episode fairy tale curse of DOOM sequence, the title sequence comes on… and then when the show resumes there's a handy dandy little caption that informs us it's twenty years later. Whoa – I could have sworn the theme song only lasted thirty seconds, but in actuality, it's been twenty freaking years? No wonder I feel so achy – I'm  _old!_  (awkward silence) Oh… you mean that in the show, it's been twenty years? Not that it's actually been twenty years…? Oh, okay, right. *giggle snort*

The princess is no longer a baby, but twenty years old. She's getting ready for a trip, I suppose, and how does she do it? She walks – more like  _tromps_  – over to the mirror, picks her teeth, farts, eats a big chunk out of an apple, and stomps out of her room. Real classy, this girl is. But she's very likeable, as soon as she walked onto the screen I couldn't help but smile like a goof.

And just so you know, they didn't model her morning… ah, routine… after me. I also begin my morning with a loud and unladylike yawn, just to annoy those around me. He he. Kidding… or am I?


	14. The Changeling II

When we last left the oh-so-graceful and totally coordinated and mannerly Elena, she was preparing for a trip to… where else? Camelot!

She greets her father – nice guy, by the way, and this time, I'm not being sarcastic. He puts up with Elena's antics with a smile on his face. Probably because he's thinking… "Oooh, yeah, if there's one thing I'm never going to have to put up with, it's having to deal with my daughter getting a boyfriend! She'll be single for the rest of her life and I won't have to give her away! Muahahahaha!" Of course, this isn't what he's thinking at all – although I bet he still wishes his baby girl didn't have to leave the nest – or trip over the edge of it, anyway.

Anyway, we'll learn more about his plans for his daughter's love life later (yeah, he's planning his daughter's love life). Ugh. I wouldn't want  _my_  dad to pick my boyfriend out for me. It'd be someone weird, that's afraid of girls or something, and like pink unicorns and eat belly button lint and lick lamp shades and chase chipmunks impulsively. Yikes.

How do I know this? Because I know my father. *cringes*

Anyway.

It's then that we get our first glimpse of Elena's nanny/nursemaid person thing. And guess who it is? If you say Grunhilda, you are SO SO VERY wrong! It's Professor freakin' SPROUT!

That's right, folks. Apparently Pomona Sprout had some time off from teaching herbology – they had to shut down Greenhouse Three after the nasty ordeal after some sneaky, armor-clad, blonde woman (also known as evil lying she-witch of DOOM #2) broke in and stole all the mandrake roots for some sort of evil scheme. Don't believe me? I'll prove it to you – the Daily Prophet did an article about it:

**HOGWARTS GREENHOUSE SCANDAL  
By: Rita Skeeter**

What secrets lurk beneath the guise of a mad-woman with a hankering for fully matured mandrake roots? Does Harry Potter's mysterious and shady past – and his even more mysterious relationship with Albus Dumbledore, a man who is  _not_  who he claims to be – have anything to do with it? And how does the slightly rotund, over-emotional and far-too talkative Neville Longbottom fit into the whole ordeal? I, Rita Skeeter, astounding seeker of truth of the Daily Prophet, traveled to no other than Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry to _personally_ find the answers you as the public, so seek.

It all started two evenings ago. The greenhouses were empty, save for one lone boy who had stayed behind, presumably to do his "homework." I am still trying to pry the truth from the young man. Could it be that he had just murdered someone and was hiding in the greenhouse? Or maybe he and our very own legend, Harry Potter, who is in emotional turmoil since his heroic parents' untimely death, had been involved in more of their own personal scandal of the Dark Lord's supposed return. Or maybe had somehow found out what was to happen – the elusive Divination professor, perhaps? – and was there to prevent it. But of course Neville Longbottom wasn't doing homework – what child actually  _does_  their homework?

Whatever the reason, Neville Longbottom was in Greenhouse Three when the scandal began. "I was doin' my homework – honest, I swear, what is that creepy green quill writing, anyway? – examining some herbs that Professor Sprout said that I could use for my term project. And then suddenly there was this crash, and a bright red light, and then a woman was standing there. Full armor. Long blonde hair. Brown eyes. And, er, I guess I thought she was pretty, because the first thing that slipped out of my mouth was, 'Merlin's beard!' And then the weirdest thing happened – the woman's eyes got big and she spun in a circle and snapped, 'Where?'"

Can we be sure that Longbottom is telling the truth? Or is he simply using the picture of a beautiful she-knight that has a fetish with the facial hair of our idolized famous wizard of old to hide his own dark secrets? If we are to believe the story, the woman smirked and said that she was here for the mandrake roots.

Mr. Longbottom claims he tried to stop her – he didn't have his wand on him, so, "I chucked some leftover nosebleed nougats at her, but she cast some sort of spell and her eyes turned gold, and the next thing I remember was waking up to Professor Sprout fretting, 'Where are my mandrakes?'"

The rest is even more elusive, but rest assured, I, Rita Skeeter, will find a way to uncover the hidden truth behind the theft  _and_  simultaneously bring the tragic, possibly mad hero Harry Potter and the man who I love to tear apart more than life itself, Albus Dumbledore into it.

**END ARTICLE**

Told ya. You ever wondered where Morgause got those mandrake roots she used on Uther? Yup, it was Hogwarts. And now it seems that Professor Sprout, so enraged about her mandrakes being exploited, is going undercover as Princess Elena's nanny Grunhilda so that she can catch Morgause and turn her into a blast-ended screwt for what she did. Maybe she'll even turn Morgana into something too, for good measure. I recommend a hairless chihuahua, an Irish jig-ing pig in wig, or a dude (and this time I mean the infected hair on an elephant's posterior, not the slang word for guy).

Whatever the reason, Sprout's certainly gotten into her undercover role. She gets Elena to put on some high-heeled shoes, says they're perfect, and Elena (my hero, by the way) retorts, "For what? Certainly not for walking!" Have I mentioned this girl rocks my neon periwinkle socks? Well. She does.

Alright, anyway, we're heading to Camelot, but never fear: Undercover Professor Sprout and Princess Elena the Awesome will catch up with us soon. Arthur and Merlin head into the throne room and the following conversation between Arthur and Uther is so epic I just have to give it to you straight from the horses' mouths (and by horses, I mean Uther and Arthur and by mouths I mean mouths and I guess everything else is self-explanatory):

UTHER: Arthur. It is an exciting day. (Why? Are you going to die, Uther Pendragon? Oooh, sorry that was mean, wasn't it? Oopsie. Fine. Why? Are you going to stop being an idiot, Uther Pendragon? Still mean? Well tough.)  
ARTHUR: The arrival of Lord Godwin is always a cause for celebration. (Why's that, Artie? Does he throw wild parties? Is he a super-secret spy in his spare time? Can he rub his belly and pat his head at the same time? Does _he_ know how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie pop? Just kidding. Only I know that, and it's classified information. If I told you, I'd have to stink bomb your house.)  
UTHER: And Princess Elena. (Right here, Arthur gets this look on his face that screams "I'm not gonna laugh I'm not gonna laugh I'm not gonna laugh – darn it, I laughed!")  
ARTHUR: Yes. (Don't look so amused, Arthur – wait till you hear the rest!)  
UTHER: I hear she's something of a beauty. (Whoa, whoa, whoa. Uther, she's way too young for you!)  
ARTHUR: ("I'm not gonna laugh I'm not gonna laugh I'm not gonna laugh I'm not gonna – whoops, there I went again.") Really? (Oh, just wait, Arto – it gets better.)  
UTHER: Oh yes. Beautiful. (Seriously, Uther – ew. Go find someone your own age. Surely you have the choice of any senior citizen in the land – oh was that mean, too? Whoopsie daisy…) Charming, witty… strategic.  
ARTHUR: ("What the heck?") Strategic?  
UTHER: (clearly nervous) I have always thought so. Ah,  _we_  have always thought so. That is, Lord Godwin and myself, that is he finds  _you_  strategic, not (takes big deep, embarrassed breath) Princess Elena. (Arthur's like, "Dude. He's done it, he's finally cracked. Merlin, get the number for the happy home, and don't forget to tell them to bring a needle - a really big one. This could get scary.")  
ARTHUR: He finds me… strategic?  
UTHER: (in a rush) Oh yes.  
ARTHUR: And beautiful?

Uther's speechless, and he looks so embarrassed but lucky for him, Lord Godwin, Elena, and incognito Professor Sprout – Herbology Professor of DOOMish proportions – make their entrance and he's saved by the awesome people.

Only one word can describe this: AWK-WARD!

So needless to say, when Godwin, Sprout, and Elena enter, Uther all but pounces on them. He might as well have screamed out, "HEY LOOK A DISTRACTION!"

If I were Arthur, I would've shut him up a long time ago by quacking at him, but that's just me. Nah, I'd probably let him stumble over his words because it's so funny. Ha.

ARTHUR: (looking kind of scared by now) Father, what are you trying to say?  
UTHER: Lord Godwin is a serious ally. The strength of such a match cannot be estimated. (Arthur looks like… "Oh no. No. Noooooo!")  
ARTHUR:  _Please_  tell me you mean a jousting match. (Ha ha ha – poor Arterino, you wish… you wish…)  
UTHER: (looking even more awkward) I mean a love match.  
ARTHUR: (Only this can even begin to do justice to Arthur's reaction: o_O' And it doesn't even come close!) _LOVE?_  
UTHER: (extremely flustered) Not love, love has nothing to do with it. The other bit. (He's so awkward I can't help but giggle-snort.) You- you know, a… permanent union.  
ARTHUR: Marriage?  
UTHER: I knew you'd understand – GODWIN!

Yep – an arranged marriage. Hahahahahahahahaha…. Uther is such a dwonk, waiting until the last minute to tell Arthur that he's gonna get married… Personally, I'd throw a duck at him in the hopes he'd go into a coma of fright and not wake up until Elena and Sprout and Godwin were gone. But that's just me.

So Elena is urged forward to go say hi to Arthur and as she walks – well, more like clumps – forward, she trips over that hideous dress she's wearing (seriously, is terrible fashion sense part of the fairy curse too? Or is Elena's lifelong dream to be a banana? I mean, just because her hair's unruly, she's rude, and she doesn't know how to walk like a princess, it doesn't mean that her clothes should be terrible too, does it? Ah, well…) and falls flat on her face. And Merlin and Arthur just look at each other… and that look says it all.

_Oy vey._

We switch scenes and Merlin and Gwen are following Arthur down a corridor, poor Merlin weighed down by what is possibly every bag Elena, her father, and Professor Sprout Super Spy have. Arthur tells Gwen, who obviously doesn't know about Uther and Godwin's little plan yet, to make sure they're in the best guest chambers. And then he looks at Merlin, who looks like he's about to fall over under all the stuff he's carrying (after all, Professor Sprout brought all her spy gear with her) and says, "And Merlin, it would be good if the bags arrived  _before_  they did."

Oh Arthur's trying to be sarcastic, eh? Well, fine, point Arthur. But don't worry. Merlin gets his revenge by "accidentally" socking Arthur in the gut with the bag he's holding as he walks by. Point. Merlin.

What we have next is a supposedly sad scene between Arthur and Gwen that is  _supposed_  to tear at our heartstrings when Gwen finds out what Uther's plans are for Arthur and Elena. To be honest, though, the scene – nor any of the other Gwen/Arthur scenes – in this one didn't affect me that much and actually bored me. I know it's supposed to be sweet ("Oh no, forbidden love, Arthur has to marry another, ah, fie, what a tragedy!" blah blah blah) but we all know Arthur's not going to marry Elena. It's going to be  _fine_  in the end. I mean, come on, I know the BBC folks are taking the legend rather loosely but there's no way they're going to change it that much. And in the legends, Arthur is married to Lady Guinevere,  _not_  Elena – no matter how epic and LOYAL (I bet she doesn't cheat on her husband with his handsome knight-friend) Elena may be. Just saying.

All that being said, I'm not going into detail with any of the mushy gushy, ewwy gooey Gwen stuff in this episode. If you want to gag from the sappiness of it all and have a good laugh at their expense, be my guest. I'm just not in a tragically romantic mood. I'm in a mood where all I want to do is play with my new steam powered chicken chucker (an invention from Rick Roirdon's new book "The Lost Hero," by the way – spin-off of the Percy Jackson books, you should read them!). But since I don't have a new steam powered chicken chucker, I'm just going to write this chapter and hope I haven't lost you guys yet.

So after the romantic crap (I'm sorry, I'm not being very sensitive, am I?), Merlin and Arthur are in Arthur's chambers and Arthur's in bed – with a shirt on this time! Whoa! The apocalypse is coming, Arthur's wearing a SHIRT to bed! – and Merlin's bustling around doing servant stuff like fluffing pillows, tidying up, the works. Aaaaand….Conversation time!

ARTHUR: Strange, isn't it? (Yes, yes you are. Ooooh, point Lizzie!) Elena couldn't be more different to Lord Godwin. (So the apple does fall far from the tree then. I think when this apple fell from the tree, she hit a few awesomely clumsy and funny branches on the way down, just like me! I didn't fall far from the tree though…Anyway…)  
MERLIN: Perhaps she takes after her mother.  
ARTHUR: I…never met her. She died when Elena was born. (Hey, there's something you two have in common! Maybe it is meant to be!)  
MERLIN: (the way he looks at Arthur here suggests that maybe he's talking more about Arthur and  _his_  mother than Elena and hers, although I could be wrong.) That can't have been easy.  
ARTHUR: (looks thoughtful, like he's thinking of his own deceased mum.) Mmm.  
MERLIN: (gets a look on his face that says… hahahaha, I'm going to make Arthur smi-ile!) Perhaps you have more in common than you think. (He leans over to get some clothes off of Arthur's bed, cringes away) Oh… bad breath for example. (hahaha—point Merlin! You go, Merlin my man!)  
ARTHUR: Excuse me? (You heard him, Artie. Stop trying to deny the truth and invest in some toothpaste, breath mints, floss, and Trident gum. I can smell your breath all the way from the middle ages. PEEE-UUU!)  
MERLIN: (on a roll) Appalling table manners. (ANOTHER POINT FOR THE MAGICAL MASTER OF DOOM!)  
ARTHUR: Now, hang on a minute…  
MERLIN: Good sense of humor… (shakes his head) No, you're right, you've got nothing in common. (OH! BOOYAH! Wowsers, Merlin is on FIYA! Whew, look at him go, racking up the points for Team Merlin. Who da man? That's right, Merlin! WHOOHOOO!)

Arthur picks up a pillow and throws it at Merlin and Merlin ducks. Uther walks in at the exact moment and the pillow lands at his feet. Needless to say, the king doesn't look pleased. Uther's such a grumpy guss. No wonder no one (well, except a few Merlin fans) likes him. He needs to lighten up. Wear bright colors. Have pillow fights. You know – GET A LIFE.

Well, that's it for this week – I'll try to have next week's longer. In the meantime, review and then play hopscotch with Martians, have tea with a llama, or rob a lima bean store. I'll see you Thursday with part 2!

* * *

**Stats:**

**Burn Meter 5000:**  
Part 1: Arthur 1, Merlin 4  
This Episode so Far: Arthur 1, Merlin 4  
Total: Arthur 29, Merlin 34

 **Shirtless Arthur Scenes:**  
Part 1: 0  
This Episode so Far: 0  
Total: 3

 **Smirk-O-Meter**  
Part 1: 0  
This Episode so far: 0  
Total: 31


	15. The Changeling III

When we left our Camelot peeps last chapter, Arthur and Merlin had just engaged in some BRILLIANT banter where Merlin scored some massive points on the Burn Meter 5000 and Arthur threw a pillow at him, only to have it land at Uther's feet when he opened the door. Uther wants to have a chat with his son –  _alone_  – so Merlin takes the hint and scurries out of there. I don't blame him.

And now for the talk. And let's be clear: it's not  _the_  talk, you know the ones that fathers and sons or mothers and daughters or guidance counselors and classrooms have at a certain age or before the first date. Not that  _talk._  You know the talk, right? It's showcased in a humorous manner on nearly every sitcom on TV, the turning point in every child's life where they want nothing more than to turn back the clock and unheard everything about the birds and the bees and where babies come from…

If your parents haven't had that talk with you yet, ask them, not me, to explain it. Because this story is rated K+ not T or M. Got it?

So anyway, it's not THAT talk that Uther wants to have with Arthur. I'd hope that he's already had "the" infamous talk with Arthur. If not, that might make for an awkward situation if Arthur  _does_  get married to Elena.

ELENA: *snorts* Well, Arthur-Pie, we're on our honeymoon! (attempts to blink eyes seductively but ends up looking like she has a twitch) You know what that means, right? *wiggles eyebrows*  
ARTHUR: Er... it means… (thinks hard) … we're going bowling!  
ELENA: No, we need an heir.  
ARTHUR: Well, how do we do that?  
ELENA: (tells him in whispers)  
ARTHUR: (holds up big sign that says "HELP" in big red letters and then promptly falls into a dead faint)  
ELENA: (shrugs and picks her nose)

Hee hee… Okay, enough with this silly scenario. I may end up in an awkward situation of my own if I keep up this line of thought. So…

What  _does_  Uther want to talk to Arthur about? Well…

Basically, Uther says something like this: "To heck with your happiness! You're going to marry Princess Elena and you are going to like it and if you don't,  _so help me_ , I'll take away your hot tub privileges!" Well, more or less.

And Arthur says, "But… I don't wanna marry the klutz! I want to marry someone who is completely below my station and that you would never approve of because she's perty and she makes me have butterflies in my tummy!"

And Uther replies, "YOU WILL MARRY ELENA, OR ELSE… I'LL EAT ALL THE EGO WAFFLES TOMORROW MORNING!"

And Arthur's like, "NOOOO! Leggo my egos!"

Well…something like that. Or nothing like that. At any rate, the conversation ends with both Arthur and Uther at odds because Uther basically orders Arthur to marry a woman that, despite her appealing personality and clumsy, smiley, awesome charm, he doesn't love. Waffles and hot tubs may or may not have been involved. If you really want to find out the full conversation, you'll have to watch the episode.

Now we're going to skip scenes to where Elena is sleeping, thrashing around in the throes of some sort of nightmare, screaming. Awww, poor Elena the Awesome. She's having a bad dream. Probably about ninja squirrels or pirate chickens or ninja squirrels  _and_ pirate chickens or sunny side up eggs (trust me, those things are evil incarnate!)… Or she could be dreaming that there's some sort of mean old annoying blue fairy OF DOOM living inside of her that can only come out at night when it changes her face into that of the mean old annoying blue fairy of DOOM.

You know, that's just a guess though, because in the middle of her nightmare, her face turns blue and scary and ugly like the fairy's. But thankfully Professor Sprout knows what she's doing – Ol' Pamona's a sharp lady, I'll tell you that – and so will Severus Snape, after all, she was the one that figured out it was  _him_  that was using greenhouse four for his polka poker parties – and she sprinkles some kind of pixie dust on the blue face thing and Elena returns to normal and stops screaming.

You go Sprout-arino! I think it was pixie dust that Professor Sprout sprinkled on her so I was kind of disappointed when Elena didn't begin to hover over her bed singing, "THINK OF CHRISTMAS, THINK OF SNOW, THINK OF SLEIGHBELLS, OFF I GO – I CAN FLY, I CAN FLY, I CAN FLY!" Ah. I miss  _Peter Pan_. That was a good classic Disney movie although Captain Hook wasn't given nearly enough of a diverse characterization as he was in the book. You see, Hook wasn't all bad. In fact, he loved flowers. And a man who loves flowers can't be  _all_  bad, can they?

What's that? Oh, you want me to stop digressing and get on with the episode? *grumbles*  _Fine._  But that doesn't mean I'm going to be happy about it.

After the whole fairy dust thing, Professor Sprout (undercover as Grunhilda, should you need reminding), heads out on a little late night field trip to see the Sidhe. Remember them? They're not only the same kind of little blue fairy thing that possessed baby Elena at the beginning of the episode, but they're the ones that wanted Ulfric the Unkind and Sophia the Slutty (sorry, she really wasn't slutty, just evil, but slutty works well with the whole alliteration thing I've got going on, plus Sophia the Slutty is just fun to say. You should try it sometime.) to sacrifice Arthur because it was the only way that Sophia could regain entrance into Avalon and regain her mortal life. That's where Merlin got his awesome glowy-stick thing OF DOOM that will come into play later – I think, if I'm remembering correctly. But anyway, the little blue fairy things are the Sidhe. Pronounced like "she." Why is it spelled "sidhe"? Because Arthur's a prat.

So when she gets to the lake where the Sidhe are always dancing on top of and time likes to slow down, she does some sort of spell and turns… well… ugly. She gets these… wart… things all over her face and her nose is really massive and she's just… ick.

No wonder Professor Sprout is always a bit cross. She never gets enough sleep because she has to get up WAY early in the morning to do her makeup. Otherwise she'd scare all her students away and then who would replant all her mandrake roots for her?

So what does she want to talk to the little blue butterfly buddies (more alliteration, see? I feel so smartilicious! Haha!) about? Well, apparently Professor Sprout is REALLY taking her undercover job seriously. She's pretending to be on the Sidhe's side, going DEEP undercover and pretending to be some sort of  _thing_  that is working for the Sidhe. But I know that she's not really gone to the dark side (even if they do have cookies) but she's just going to get all the goods on the Sidhe before she reveals her true identity and takes them all to Fairy Jail. And she does such a good job that she gets the head Sidhe – the same one that wanted Arthur to be sacrificed, the little bugger – to admit to basically his whole plan.

Basically, Elena was possessed by a Sidhe when she was a baby and now one lives inside of her.  _That's_  what makes her all rude and un-princessy and an incredible character that I hope shall one day return on the show just sayin'. But soon after she marries Arthur, the Sidhe will take over and they'll get what they've always coveted – a Sidhe for queen. Personally, if I were two inches tall and looked like a permanent member of the Blue Man Group, I'd be coveting other things. Like footstools and dark blue tanning spray. But that's just me.

Don't worry though – I'm sure that Professor Sprout (AKA Grunhilda) is merely taking her job as an undercover agent (The name's Sprout. Pamona Sprout. Hey, why are you laughing? Cut that out or I'll sick you with a Devil's Snare!") very seriously and won't actually go through with the plan. And Merlin certainly  _won't_  blow her up with a Sidhe staff later on in the episode. Not at all. Because Merlin doesn't blow people up. Well, unless they took his last pack of Skittles and then I wouldn't necessarily blame him – I mean, come on, they're  _Skittles_. "Taste the rainbow…" Epic.

The next day, Arthur and Elena are going to go on a "bonding" trip of sorts. Of course Merlin is going, too, because when  _doesn't_  Merlin tag along? Oh right, NEVER. And when, when tagging along, even on dangerous missions, does Merlin wear armor? NEVER. Which leads to a bit of self-advertising and subliminal messaging: _If you have not read my one shot "He Should Wear Armor" then you should. Or then YOU'LL be the one who needs armor. Just saying._

Elena rides off without letting Arthur assist her – apparently horseback riding is something she's actually good at – and she beats him to the little place in the woods they're going to have their date at. Merlin's not there yet, so he's either taking his own sweet time, got lost, has been eaten by cannibals, or stopped for a taco. What? That's what I would do. (The taco part, not the eaten by cannibals part.) Which – haha – the cannibal thing coincidentally makes me think of this AMAZINGLY hilarious but slightly crude joke that made me laugh till I cried. If you're interested in hearing the joke in the next few chapters or whatever, let me know. I'll hook you up. It's hilarious. Anyway, I'm off subject (again).

The scene that is next shall be given to you in my signature "I'm too lazy to describe it so I'll just type it out in script form and insert my sassy and ultimately not helpful comments in where needed or not needed, either way's fine with me" way.

ARTHUR: (gets off his horse and approaches Elena) That was very impressive. I'm not easily impressed. (Sad to say, I AM easily impressed. And even more easily amused. Seriously, give me a piece of duct tape or a piece of string and I'll be occupied for at least five minutes, which is a record for me. Give me a never ending supply of bubble wrap I'll be occupied for eternity.)  
ELENA: (walks up to Arthur) Well, neither am I. And I wasn't! (Snorts and laughs and smacks Arthur on the shoulder. Have I mentioned that I LOVE this girl? Arthur just looks kind of surprised and taken aback. I would've said, "You're my new best friend" or something of that nature. Then again, I'm a random person by nature, so it's just as likely that I would have said something along the lines of, "Squeegies are very useful when it comes to picking cabbage out of your teeth" or "FRUITCAKE!" or "We've broken down – in the middle of NOO-WHERE!" or "The demon llamas will come for your soul" or "OF DOOM!" Yeah. I'm going to go with the last one. "OF DOOM!" An awkward silence follows.) I've been riding since I was a child. I don't get to do it as much as I'd like – princesses don't, but apparently my mother was an excellent horsewoman. (Oh my gosh, is that kind of like Batman? Did her mom have high speed trotting capabilities and a supersonic whinny? Did she save unsuspecting villagers from evil villains like Cow-Patty-Dude and Fly-Guy? Wowsers, Elena's mum was cool!) I never met her. (looks sad)  
ARTHUR: (in a much too happy voice) I never met mine, either. (Awkward silence) I often wonder if I'm like her. I hope I don't take after my father entirely. (So does everyone else in Camelot, Arthur, so does everyone else. Right now, you're doing a pretty good job of showing us you're not going to be like him so keep it up. Yes, I just commending Arthur on a job well done but rest assured the compliment was well-earned. I'm not defecting from Team Merlin, though – that will NEVER happen!)  
ELENA: (laughs and says in a kind of "ick, like Uther, blech!" way) Oh, you're not. (Another awkward silence)

So Arthur tries to make the awkwardness a little less awkward by giving her a rose which Elena promptly sniffs and then sneezes – on Arthur. Arthur's saved by Merlin's arrival. Merlin's got picnic stuff.

MERLIN: Shall I set up here?  
ARTHUR: (actually sounds RELIEVED to see Merlin, bless him)  _Merlin!_  What kept you? (in a quieter voice) Don't leave me again. (D'AWWW, Arthur can't handle the pure awkwardness of the moment)  
MERLIN: (sarcasm positively  _dripping_  from his voice) But you were riding  _so_ fast. I thought you were eager for some (conspiratory, mocking whisper) time alone. (HA HA – point Merlin for awesomeness)  
ARTHUR: (sticks his finger in Merlin's face) No one likes a clever-clogs,  _Mer_ lin. (Point Arthur!)  
MERLIN: No.

After the date –which, sadly, we don't get to see any more of, although I'll be it was hilarious – Elena gives Arthur a very awkward (and I know I'm using that word a LOT but there's really no other word that more accurately describes the Arthur/Elena relationship) hug and says in an oh-so-thrilled voice (MAJOR sarcasm there, by the way), "See you soon, I expect."

And she walks to the castle, tripping on the stairs as she does so. Merlin looks at Arthur and says, "Oh dear." And Arthur, for once, completely agrees.

Later on at this banquet thing they have, Professor Sprout starts hitting on Gaius and it is HILARIOUS! Oh man, if they get hitched, she'll have to bring him back to Hogwarts with her. Maybe he can assist Hagrid in Care of Magical Creatures class or maybe even be assistant librarian to Madame Pince. Or he could… Wait. No. Focus, EMcat, focus. I  _have_  to get this chapter out by midnight Tennessee time. Why? Because I want to and because I have church tomorrow and geography studying that needs to be done… So no more digressing. Well, I'll  _try_ not to digress. Can't make any promises, though. Like earlier, when I said I would not poke fun at Gwen and Arthur… Crap, digression again.

Also at the banquet, Elena is very… unprincess-like in manner, burping and hiccupping and basically just making me grin like an idiot. This girl ROCKS. And the whole time Arthur looks like he's going to just  _die_  right then and there.

Then there's this really disturbing part where, right after a touching scene where we find out that Elena is just as dubious about this arranged marriage as Arthur is, where she eats a live frog. Gross. I'm sincerely hoping that this is all Sidhe and no Elena. Because that's just.. ick. Let me tell you, that was no Chocolate Frog, my friends. There were no Albus Dumbledore, Order of Merlin First Class collector's card that came with it. It was a slimy green frog!

And after that, Merlin actually follows Sprout to the Sidhe lake where he sees her catching flies with her tongue like a… well, frog. She sure is getting into her part, may I say!

And that, my friends, is where I must leave you tonight. I'm exhausted and simply cannot write anymore. I'll have part 3 (hopefully the rest of the episode) up sometime next weekend. Until then, tip your pets and spay/neuter your waitresses. Oh wait… I think I got that backwards. Ah well. Might make dining out a little more interesting at any rate.

* * *

**Stats:**

**Burn Meter 5000:**  
Part 2: Arthur 1, Merlin 1  
This Episode so Far: Arthur 2, Merlin 5  
Total: Arthur 30, Merlin 35

 **Shirtless Arthur Scenes:**  
Part 2: 0  
This Episode so Far: 0  
Total: 3

 **Smirk-O-Meter**  
Part 2: 0  
This Episode so far: 0  
Total: 31


	16. The Changeling IV

So, where did we leave off last time…? Right – Merlin sees Professor Sprout catching flies by the lake! Ew. So not only is Pamona Sprout a professor, a super-secret spy, and a nanny, but she's also a frog, too! Wow, she's living a quadruple life – like Hannah Montana on steroids or something! *sigh* Please don't hesitate to throw things at me if I  _ever_  make another HM reference in this story, even if it  _is_  to make fun of it. I can't bear the shame! WAA!

Merlin runs back to Camelot and tells Gaius about his findings, after which Gaius (who is officially the most epic old dude  _ever_ ) decides that he, too, is going to play ninja spy of doom and sneaks into Elena and Sprouts' chambers to try and uncover some clue as to what kind of magical creature has infiltrated Camelot. My guess is that Professor Sprout got bitten by a radioactive frog (wait… do frogs have teeth?). It turned her into super-ugly frogwoman and now she's got to use her crazy sticky tongue powers of doom to bring evil lying she-witches of DOOM to justice. But… if that's the case, why is Professor Sprout acting like she's on the Sidhe's side? Surely she's not thinking about joining the dark side?

*cups hand to ear* What's  _this_  you're trying to tell me? It's  _not_ actually Professor Sprout but the ACTRESS that plays the herbology teacher in Harry Potter? YOU LIE! It IS Professor Sprout and she IS undercover and she IS NOT evil and she WILL save the day! *breathes deeply* Got it? Alright, moving on!

How am I doing on the glossing over of certain parts? Do you think that I'm going to be able to succeed in my "let's not drive Lizzie mad by doing a play-by-play of every time Gaius scratches his bum, Gwen blows her nose, or Arthur sniffs his underarms" plot! (What? You  _know_  they do it!)

Ahem.

So… Gaius sneaks into their chambers and starts snooping – and he finds the sparkle dust! Whee! Maybe this means that Professor Sprout will finally open up and tell Gaius her true identity and her plan and how she was bitten by a radioactive frog and now uses her frog powers to save innocents from EEEVIIIL! Well, that doesn't happen, but what  _does_  occur is even more hilarious and awkward for poor Gaius so I'm not going to complain!

SPROUT/GRUNHILDA: ( **walks into the room, straightens her shawl when she sees Gaius standing awkwardly in the middle of the room** ) Can I… help you? ( **And I'm thinking, "Please don't be insinuating what I think you're insinuating…"** )  
GAIUS: ( **poor guy looks SOO awkward** ) I…uh…  
SPROUT/GRUNHILDA: Something you  _need_ , perhaps? ( **Oh, please no, keep your mind AWAY from that school of thought, Liz, no way Sprout's thinking like that…** )  
GAIUS: I would like to inquire whether Princess Elena would like a perfume concocted. ( **Oooh, good lie, Gaius! You should teach Merlin how to do that properly sometime, the poor kid stammers like mad when he's telling a lie, except when it has to do with his magic. And then he's like… alter ego or something. Emrys: World Saving Warlock Extraordinaire. I like the sound of that. He could wear a cape. Holy cow! You know what I just realized? Merlin's like the only person in the show who's never worn a cloak! Even Gwen's worn one, and she's a servant, too! Well, I don't think Gaius has either, but he doesn't count because I'm trying to make a point. Or maybe BBC is just prejudice against anyone that lives in Gaius's side of the castle. Hum. Either way, I'd like to see Merlin in a cape or cloak. Maybe THAT would help his stalking skills – he got himself caught quickly in 3x01, if you'll remember, but Morgana NEVER gets caught if she's got her hood on over her head, even if she's wearing bright colors! And then – oh wait. I'm digressing again, aren't I? Pooh. Am I EVER going to learn how to get my point across without rambling like a fool? *sigh* I _do_ , try, though, and I often wonder what you all think of my senseless prattle. Do you just skip over it? Or do you read it and think, "This is lame?" or do you read it and say, "I love hamsters." Hmm… DRAT! More digressing.**) Essence of lavender, perhaps?  
SPROUT/GRUNHILDA: That is a very bad excuse. ( **Oh, drat. Because I thought it was a very good excuse. I'm losing my touch… WHY?** )  
GAIUS: ( **looks pitiful** ) Really? ( **Don't worry, G, I still believe in you! You're still the most epic old dude ever in my book, and you always will be!** )  
SPROUT/GRUNHILDA: ( **walks closer** ) You don't fool me one minute. ( **Gaius looks nervous** ) You were looking… for me. ( **Gaius looks downright scared –**   **Oh no, this is bad! I think she's thinking what I think she's thinking and what I think she's thinking is something I do NOT what to be thinking I'm thinking about! Wait… what?** )  
GAIUS: I… was. ( **He looks like he's going to bolt and I don't blame him one bit! This woman is advancing on him as if she's a lioness and he's the very last gazelle – Gaius the Gazelle – on the face of the earth! RUN, GAIUS GAZELLE, RUN FOR YOUR LIFE, I THINK PROFESSOR SPROUT'S FINALLY LOST HER MIND!** )  
SPROUT/GRUNHILDA: I understand ( **touches his face… AHHH, please please please… NOO, stop insinuating things, Sprout, things that should be left ETERNALLY UNINSINUATED! Gaius tries to escape but to no avail** ) It's alright.  
GAIUS: I think probably I should be going… ( **yes, get out of there Gaius while you still can!** )  
SPROUT/GRUNHILDA: Elena won't be back for ages. ( **No, please, stop, just stop right there, Sprout… Grunhilda… whoever the heck you are! Just STOOOOP! She lies down on the bed, quirks her eyebrows and tries to look _sexy_ , which just happens to make me want to barf and from the look on Gaius's face, he shares my sentiments.**) Why don't you and I… make sweet perfume… together? ( **SHE WENT THERE! Blech, BLUH! EEWWW! So gross… oh I can never unheard that, no matter how much I want to… YUCK! The pain, the horror! Can we move on now? Please?** )

I shall never mention that incident again in the hopes that eventually time will help heal the gaping wound created in my mind, heart, and jugular because of that disturbing image and even more disturbing insinuation. That's worse than the troll-love in season 2 – and that's saying something! At least Uther had it coming to him – poor Gaius is just an innocent bystander that's caught the eye of a lonely old professor/frogwoman/super secret spy ninja of doom/nanny/pixie…

Oh yeah, Gaius tells Merlin afterwards (I'm assuming Gaius found a way out of that aforementioned, never again to be spoken of situation, because if not… *shudders* My brain just fried just in the contemplation of contemplating it…) that she's a pixie because the sparkly stuff is pixie dust and apparently pixies are servants of the Sidhe and like old men! I'm SOOO confused! I thought pixies were tiny and cute and wore short little leaf-dresses and had sparkle magic that made you fly if you think wonderful thoughts and that they liked young men that never want to grow up and live in Neverland and wear tights? You know, Tinkerbell? She's a pixie! And in that spin-off of Peter Pan, Disney's Pixie Hollow movies – yes, I've seen them, I have two little sisters, alright? – those fairies are pixies! But… GRUNHILDA? (I've decided that she is NOT Professor Sprout, she's far too clingy and needy. Sprout doesn't need a man in her life. Grunhilda's just pathetic. Anywhat…) I just don't understand how GRUNHILDA of all people is a pixie? I like the Peter Pan version WAAAY better!

I'm not going to go through the whole conversation between Gaius and Merlin, but I will say that Merlin agrees with me. At one point, he says, "She  _likes_  you? Oh, that's disgusting! Imagine… imagine if she  _kissed_  you! Ugh!" Gaius seems offended by this but I'm raising my hand up in the air going, "Amen, brother! A-freakin'-men!"

Later on, Gwen is waiting on Uther, Morgana, and Arthur while they have dinner. Arthur tries to bring up the subject of Elena to Uther, tries to tell him that he doesn't love her and he can't go through with the marriage. Uther pretty much tells him, "Tough luck," and that he WILL propose to her and that they WILL live happily ever after. During the exchange, Morgana keeps looking back and forth between Arthur and Gwen who keep glancing mournfully at each other and her eyes light up… Oh dear… this can't be good!

Merlin, on his part, is doing some serious snooping. It's night time again (I get a little confused with it being daylight and then night but I guess there's a time lapse or something there.) He is watching through the little grate in the wall as Elena turns into the fairy-face for a minute and then Grunhilda sprinkles more pixie dust on her. He is so shocked by this transformation (and come on, wouldn't you be, too?) that he falls of the little end table thingy he's standing on and makes a racket. Ah, Merlin, you are SO clumsy. Spr—I mean Grunhilda comes out to see him running away… drat. Merlin really needs to work on his sneaking skills… I think I've already mentioned that once in this post… well, it's true. I'm telling you, he needs a cloak!

So he runs back to Gaius and Gaius puts two and two together and says that Elena is a changeling – she has a fairy living inside of her! And Merlin says, "Whoa… that  _can't_  be good for her indigestion… that explains a _lot!_ " Okay, so Merlin doesn't say that but I would have. But Gaius does say that it explains a lot – her clumsiness and rudeness, for example. He declares a research party (something that Hermione Granger is always dragging Harry and Ron into in the Harry Potter books, coincidentally) to find a way to force the fairy out of Elena! Woo hoo – research time! Merlin, on his part, does not look pleased.

The next scene REALLY gets my goat. And I may have mentioned this in a previous post but I REALLY do not understand that phrase. First of all, I don't have a goat, and if I  _did_  have a goat, what would someone taking my goat have to do with how I'm SO angry at Morgana for being a selfish, horrible, awful, terrible, evil lying she-witch of doom?

So here's the deal: Morgana's figured out that Gwen and Artie have a thing for each other. So she brings it up to Gwen, acts like she's sympathetic and wants them to be together, but then slowly dashes her hopes by telling her that they can't change centuries of tradition just for their love. And what is her reasoning in doing this? I honestly don't think there is any. It seems like she's just doing this to be malicious, and Gwen is almost in tears. After Gwen leaves, Morgana smirks and I want to smack that smug, over-used grin right off her face!

(WARNING: YOU ARE ABOUT TO ENTER RANT-ZONE. PROCEED AT YOUR OWN RISK.)

How could she?  _How could she?_  She and Gwen used to be FRIENDS! They used to be like sisters. Morgana would do anything for Gwen and vice versa! They defied the laws of master/servant relationships and set an example, a precedent for the Arthur/Merlin friendship we know will eventually bud. And then she does THIS? She makes Gwen CRY because she wants to crush her dreams of being with the man she loves? Is Morgana REALLY that heartless that she can stand to see her former friend, a girl that still trusts her with her life, suffer just because she has control over that suffering? Has she no CONSCIENCE? Has she no HEART? Has she no EGG NOG? Eh… sorry… got carried away there.

But seriously. I HATE this Morgana. I miss the old one. Even the wishy-washy maybe I'll kill Uther, maybe I won't Morgana of season 2! Grrr…. this is SO not cool!

(YOU CAN BREATHE AGAIN. RANT OVER.)

Merlin and Gaius have apparently been at their research party of not-so-much-doom for quite a while because Merlin looks like he's ready to faint from exhaustion, boredom, or a grisly combination of the two when he moans, "I think my brain is going to burst…eyes pop right out of their sockets." Oh no, Merlin! Don't let that happen! Your eyes are so pretty! *sigh* Uh… right.

Gaius finds a solution in the last book they look in (of COURSE it's the last book they look in, that's luck for you, eh?) and he's going to make a potion that'll force the fairy out of Elena, but it'll take some time. Apparently the Sidhe have wanted one of their own as queen for a while now and that can't be allowed to happen. So Gaius is going to start finding ingredients so he can do his thing and mix them all up and SHABANG! Fix Elena!

Switching scenes again. Gwen approaches Arthur and they talk about what will happen if he does marry Elena. I'm not going to make fun of this love scene for two reasons: (1) I promised Kitty O and I don't want Gwen to cry and (2) I actually cried during this scene. It made me so sad and it was so sweet! Like when Arthur's like, "Is what I want really that insane?" and Gwen says something along the lines of, "Yep, to everyone but us" (although I know Merlin's on their side, so why doesn't she include him… oh right, because this is a romantic moment) and Arthur says, "Then I'm happy being insane!" At those words, I started bawling! Bradley's such a good actor and he and Angel have a lot of chemistry on screen (though, admittedly, not as much as Angel and Santiago, but Lancelot's not here right now so let's leave that little subplot alone, shall we?)

The proposal… well this is going to be one of those "gloss over" moments I mentioned before. I'm not really going into it. I'll just say that it's very sweet because we see Gwen watching, Morgana smirking, Arthur struggling with himself… and it's so sad because we love Gwen, Arthur, and Elena and we know that none of them are happy with the situation. Regardless, Artie proposes and I want to punch Uther for putting all of them into this situation in the first place.

Merlin finds the last ingredient, this little plant that grows right in the middle of boggy, marshy terrain (as Merlin reminds us, covered in mud and glaring ruefully at the plant, " _Right_  in the middle!" – that was SO incredibly adorable and if anyone thinks otherwise they need to be attacked by a whack-a-mole hammer) and they concoct the potion. But…

There's trouble a'brewing at the Lake of Avalon, AKA the Sidhe Lake, AKA Freya's lake... right? I'm not sure about that, actually. I know that the sword lake and the Freya lake are the same, but is it the Lake of Avalon? Or is it some other random lake? Ah… I dunno.

See, Grunhilda, formerly known as Professor Sprout, saw that it was Merlin who was spying on them. She tells the main Sidhe dude – you remember, the one that wanted Arthur to be sacrificed if Sophia was to gain passage into Avalon? – about it and at first he's like, "So what?" And then when she tells him that Merlin is the prince's servant… well, he gives this long speech about how Merlin is going to know the wrath of the Sidhe and how he's going to rue the day he ever angered them and all that claptrap.

He zips on over to Camelot with the intention of offing Merlin but Merlin's too awesome for that and what Sidhe man didn't count on was Merlin having a Sidhe staff under the loose floorboard under his bed. Merlin, after dodging a few bolts of light, zaps the Sidhe guy into oblivion – thank goodness, that guy was really starting to get on my nerves! Sadly, in the scuffle, Merlin also manage to knock over and break the vial with Elena's potion in it… but Gaius thinks he can make some more before the wedding the next day. *crosses fingers* Let's hope so!

The day of the wedding arrives and it seems that Arthur's not the only reluctant one here. Elena, too, expresses her concerns to Grunhilda, who says something about how given half a chance, she'd definitely marry Arthur herself. Yuck! So now she's a pedophile, too? Gross. This is definitely not Professor Sprout and I am certainly liking her less and less by the second.

Gaius gets the potion finished and he and Merlin concoct a scheme to get the potion to Elena without Grunhilda knowing. In the end, they use Gaius for bait and he lures her down to the vaults (Grunhilda, not Elena, obviously), where, right as she tries to kiss him after making another horribly disturbing insinuation involving how they were finally going to become one (EEEEWWWW! SO nasty! I'm not even going to comment beyond that, that's just WRONG! Blech!), Gaius scoots off and Merlin locks her in the vaults. Woot!

All for pretty much nothing though. Grunhilda uses her mad pixie skillz to escape and catches up with them right as they're about to go make Elena take the potion. Merlin keeps her busy (in this case, keeping her busy means blasting her continuously with the Sidhe staff – apparently he really likes blowing people up with that thing, geez!) while Gaius tries to get Elena to drink the potion. Apparently it tastes pretty bad and she keeps getting distracted and Gaius is too nice to just scream, "Elena, drink the flippin' potion, you dolt!"

Finally, after Merlin turns Grunhilda to smithereens (while Ulfric and Sophia turned to dust after just one hit, Grunhilda's like one of those boss levels in video games where you have to blast them multiple times before they die. And yes. I am also a bit of a video game nerd. But only when it comes to Kingdom Hearts. Otherwise, I'm not. Buuut… anyway, again with the digressing.), he runs in, sees that Elena still hasn't drunk the potion, and he says, "Elena, this is going to make you feel a whole lot better!" after which he holds her nose, tilts her head back, and pours the stuff in her mouth. I bet there's a law against that. Since nobles and servants can't even be friends, it's probably not legal for them to force-feed each other fairy juice either, but, hey, what the heck?

After she drinks it, Elena promptly passes out and the fairy comes out of her and Merlin blows it up with the Sidhe staff. Geez, doesn't that staff have any other setting? Maybe  _electrocute_  or  _machine gun mode_  or something? Always with the blowing things up. This is getting a tad monotonous.

When she wakes up, her elocution is perfect, her balance is perfect, her hair is perfect, and she's just all around perfect. She feels better, which is good, but I kind of miss the old Elena. Oh well, I'm sure her charm and sweetness and awesomeositude (He-ey, Tianne!) is still there even if she does have better manners now! She says, "Where's Grunhilda?" and Merlin and Gaius look at each other before comically intoning simultaneously (wow, that sounded intellectual!), "We'll… look into it." HA!

The next scene is right before the wedding and I love it to bunches! It's another scene that showcases the future that will be – Merlin as Arthur's advisor! It's so awesome!

MERLIN: I brought you your ceremonial sword. ( **Arthur has a CEREMONIAL sword? Why can't he use a regular sword? And is there a rule against fighting with a ceremonial sword? What if bandits attack during the wedding? What is he to do, then? Can he make an exception and fight with the ceremonial sword or does he have to find a regular fighting sword before he can defend himself and his bride? And what the heck is a weevil anyway?** )  
ARTHUR: For me to fall on? ( **Aw, Arthur, don't be that way! Sure, you're being forced to marry against your will, and sure, you can never be with the love of your life, but hey… you've got… well… Merlin as a friend/advisor and your father… well, okay, you've got Merlin.** )  
MERLIN: Hopefully not! What's wrong? ( **I'm hoping this is one of those moments where you know what's wrong but you feel you have to ask out of politeness or obligation because if Merlin really couldn't figure out what was wrong, I'd be a little concerned. After all, it's moments before his forced marriage to a girl he doesn't love. Doesn't take a genius to figure that one out, does it?** )  
ARTHUR: You wouldn't understand, Merlin. ( **Wow, no _Mer_ lin! He must REALLY be upset!**) You have no idea what it's like to have a destiny… you can't escape. ( **AHAHAHAHAHAHA – that's a good one, Artie, that's so funny, wow, you're such a kidder, haha – wait. You were…serious?** )  
MERLIN: ( **Gets this look on his face that says, "Ha, _now_  we're speaking my language!"**) Destinies… are troublesome things. You feel trapped. Like your whole life has been planned out for you and you've got no control over anything and sometimes you don't even know if the destiny decided… is really the best thing at all. ( **Whoa. Go Merlin! Dude! That was an epic speech where we see once again the depth of his underlying wisdom and the stress he goes through every day! Wowsers!** )  
ARTHUR: ( **He gives Merlin this look that says, "What the crap? Who are you and what did you do with Merlin?" and also like he's seeing Merlin or a side of him that's new… different… wiser…** ) How come you're so knowledgeable? ( **I know I've said this before but I can't WAIT for Arthur to find out about Merlin!** )  
MERLIN: Oh… I read a book. ( **Way to go there, hotshot. That'll convince him.** )  
ARTHUR: ( **Does NOT look like he believes Merlin at all)**  What would this book tell her? Should I marry her? ( **Oh my gosh! Is this Arthur _asking_  Merlin, his advisor to be, what to do? I think it is! *does happy dance of doom* This is just epic! Woohoo!**)  
MERLIN: That's not really my place to say, Sire. ( **Wow, since when does Merlin care about what his place is? He certainly didn't care when he called Artie a dollop head, haha!** )  
ARTHUR: I'm asking you. ( **Oh my corn on the cob! He IS asking Merlin for advice! He even admitted it! This is just too wonderfulicious!** ) It's your job to answer.  
MERLIN: If you really want to know what I think… ( **Arthur nods, seems he really needs Merlin's wisdom in this case – this is awesomesauce with a side of sweetocity!** ) I think  _you're_ mad, I think you're  _all_  mad, people should marry for love, not convenience. And if Uther thinks an unhappy king makes for a stronger kingdom then he's wrong because you may be destined to rule Camelot but you have a choice… as to how you'll do it. ( **At this point, my jaw is currently on the floor from the sheer awesomeness! And Arthur gets this look on his face and you just know that he is impressed and really thinking about and considering Merlin's answer. It's awesome! And I think Merlin should get a point for his whole "you're mad" thing… so I'm giving it to him.** )

And then the doors open and it's time for the wedding! Elena looks great, by the way, a very pretty bride… but not for Arthur. In fact, Arthur stops the wedding. He tells Elena how beautiful and kind and wonderful she is, but he doesn't love her. And she agrees. It kind of reminded me of the wedding scene in Princess Diaries 2, when Mia and that one noble guy agree not to get married and he looks at her after she says she doesn't want to marry him and mouths, "Thank you!" Haha, that was a great movie! If you haven't seen it you should watch it sometime… but anyway, the moral of this rant is that arranged marriages suck and that Julie Andrews plays an awesome Queen! Uhh… anyway…

So the wedding gets called off. Godwin doesn't seem to put out by it, but Uther's furious but Arthur puts him in his place, telling him he's going to rule Camelot beside a woman he loves. He's being  _such_  a parrot right now but at least Merlin knows that Arthur agrees with his sentiments.

The episode ends sweetly, with some "Arwen" as Arthur and Gwen tease each other about how he's now a single man and he wants to find someone even lovelier than Elena. Gwen says she doesn't know of such a woman and Arthur's like, "Neither do I." It's really cute, and after they pass each other he does a little hop/skip thing that I interpreted as a happy dance.

AW, maybe this romance stuff isn't all that terrible after all.

* * *

**Stats:**

**Burn Meter 5000:**  
Part 3: Arthur 0, Merlin 1  
This Episode so Far: Arthur 2, Merlin 6  
Total: Arthur 30, Merlin 36

 **Shirtless Arthur Scenes:**  
Part 3: 0  
This Episode so Far: 0  
Total: 3

 **Smirk-O-Meter**  
Part 3: 5  
This Episode so far: 5  
Total: 36


	17. The Castle of Fyrien I

I really hate Morgana. I know I've said this – a  _lot_  – but it's the honest truth. You know what else is the truth? I really couldn't care less if Merlin decided to go all secret ninja on her and beat her sorry butt in a thumb wrestling competition. It's also true that  _lice_  is the plural for  _louse_ , not to be confused with  _Laos_ , which, incidentally, is a country in Southeast Asia (see, I pay attention in geography!). That being said, if you're a hardcore Evil Morgana fan, you need to get smacked upside the head or defenestrated (one of the greatest words ever; it means "to throw out a window") until you come to your senses. The one thing that REALLY ticks me off that Morgana does now is when she's mean to Gwen. I know I ranted about this last episode when she was being a (insert naughty word of your choice) about Gwen and Arthur being together, but I feel the need to fuss about it a bit more. May I?

Actually, this time, I think I'll write my rant in the form of a letter. Ahem:

 _Dear_ (no scratch that, there's no way I'm calling you "dear")

 _To_ (no, that sounds too formal, like I'm trying to be unbiased, that won't do at all)

 _Hey Stupid!_ (Yeah, that's a good way to write a letter to an evil lying she-witch of doom!)

Alright, here goes, now that I've got the greeting figured out:

_Hey Stupid!_

_Yeah, that's right, Morgana, I'm talking to you! You know, I'm getting_ really _fed up with your evil lying she-witch of doom antics, you know that? Isn't it bad enough that you've sided with Morgause (who, incidentally, is an evil lying she-witch of apocalyptic destruction) and turned your back on all those who love you! Just because Uther is a jerk-wad of epic proportions and because Merlin spiked your water bottle doesn't mean you should turn your back on EVERYBODY!_

 _Here's the deal: if you just wanted to get revenge on Uther, I'd understand. Heck, I might even help you out. He's a liar and a hypocrite and I understand why you harbor hate for him, even if it_ is _better to forgive than turn evil. Turning evil is just not cool. Actually, it's the most un-cool thing EVER, especially because good always triumphs over evil in the end and usually the evil people die in terrible ways. Don't believe me? Just ask Anakin Skywalker. Oh wait, you can't – he turned into Darth Vader and he's DEAD!_

_And now, Morgana, I have reached the point where I wish the same fate for you! Yep, I can't wait until the day that you've turned into Darth Betrayer or Darth Le Fay or even Darth Cucumber. And then when you DIE, I'll laugh. Yep. I'll LAUGH. Do you know why?_

_Because you turned your back on EVERYONE! You know, I used to have respect for you. You used to be butt-kicking awesome. I even dressed up like you for Halloween. You used to have awesome friends and now you just spend your weekends partying with undead armies and spend your free time smirking at mirrors and that will ultimately be your downfall! I'll hunt you down myself! Now, do you want to know the reason WHY I suddenly hate you so much more?_

_GWEN. Yep, that's right, you remember her, don't you? She used to be your best friend. She stuck by you no matter what and now you've done the ultimate betrayal – set her up to be kidnapped so that Arthur will come for her and you can kill him. By the way, Morgana, just in case you forgot – even though Uther's a dwonk (I'll give you that; see, I'm a fair person!), Arthur has done nothing but care about you and treat you like the sister you are, and this is how you repay him? You really are a terrible person Morgana. I can't wait until something terrible happens to you._

_Here's hoping that you fall in a hole, you get struck by lightning, your house gets blown away in a random windstorm, squirrel ninjas attack you, your head gets stuck in the toilet, and the Great Dragon decides that you'd look better as charcoal. Tootles!_

_With Utter Hate,_

_Emachinescat_

_PS – Watch your back. I have my karate chickens everywhere and my demon llamas are just itching to attack._

Whew, that was fun! AND I feel super awesome because I was able to go ahead and recap the first part of the episode IN the letter! I was multi-tasking! Woot!

So yep – Gwen comes home after a hard day's work, gets a weird creepy feeling that someone's watching her, grabs a fire poker to defend herself –

Okay, digression time! I'm going to tell a little story that really has nothing to do with this recap OR the story OR Merlin in general. But it DOES involve a fire poker, my best friend and I home alone, gas masks, World War II, and  _Doctor Who_. If you don't want to hear my anecdote after that introduction, you are a fuddy-duddy and must be "EXTERMINATED!" Haha, another  _Doctor Who_ reference. Anyway. On with the story.

**(DIGRESSION IN PROGRESS)**

So… it was sometime later last year, close to Christmas, I think, and my best friend April's parents were going to be out of town for the night. April's house is like REALLY old, like a hundred years old or something, and it creaks and groans and sometimes it sounds like someone's walking around in the attic when no one is, and her dogs bark and it's a huge house and REALLY freaky to be alone in at night… which is why, every time she's home alone overnight, she asks me to come over and get my pants scared off as well. So I did.

This particular night, we decided to watch  _Doctor Who_  because we had just recently gotten hooked on the series and were about on the same episode. It was dark outside and her house was, as I said, creaking, and we watched this episode where they went to England (I think) during WWII. There were these freaky zombies that had the faces of gas masks and always said, "Are you my mommy? I want my mommy? Mommy? MOMMY?" and if they touched you, you'd turn into one of them. And oh my bacon, it was SCARY!

Go ahead, laugh if you want, but the main one was this little five or six year old creepy kid that was following this girl around going, "Mommy? Mommy?" and it was beyond freaky! And he could control any technology, so the radio turned on by itself and was asking for its mommy, and the typewriter started typing "Mommy are you my mommy where's my mommy" etc. ON ITS OWN! And then Richard Wilson was in that episode and played this doctor guy who was trying to take care of the zombies until a cure was found, but then a gas mask grew out of HIS face (at this point, I was jumping up and down screaming, "GAIUS! NOOOO!" and April was trying to hide behind me whilst I tried to hide behind her)… and then the zombies converged and everyone was creepy and it was sooo scary…

*peeks out from under covers* Is it over yet?

Anyway, this isn't a chapter to talk about that episode of  _Doctor Who_  (although maybe it should be, if I'm cowering in fear from gas mask zombies, I can't very well get arrested for murdering Uther's "loving" ward!), but a digression telling my story. So I bet you're wondering where the fire poker comes in…

Well… after we watched the two-part episode that scared the crap out of us, April went to take her border collie, Buddy, out to do his business – by this time, it was only around 8:00, which is really kind of pathetic because it was just now starting to get dark. But we're wimps, we'll admit it. At least  _I_  will. April, on the other hand (as I've told you before), is too much like Prince Arthur to admit that she's scared. Instead she throws things at me. I'm her "Merlin." Go figure. Anyway… (sorry, I know I'm digressing in a digression!), we were freaked out and all of a sudden April runs in with the dog and the following conversation occurs:

APRIL: Lizzie! ( **slams door and locks it behind her** ) Get in the living room – NOW!  
ME: ( **already panicking** )  _What?_  What is it? What happened?  
APRIL: Some guy said hello to me! ( **starts pulling down the blinds** )  
ME: ( **not all that impressed but still freaked out because it's dark and there might be gas mask zombies lurking about out there** ) What was he doing out there?  
APRIL: He was walking his dog down the street and started to talk to me on the other side of the fence! I ran inside and I don't know if he's still out there!  
ME: You think he's watching the house?  
APRIL:  _I don't know!_  ( **looks at me with that thoughtful gaze that Arthur turns on Merlin right before he uses him for bait** ) Hey, Lizzie, I know what to do…  
ME: ( **warily** ) What…?  
APRIL: Go peek out the door, see if he's gone.  
ME: It's  _your_ house!  
APRIL: So? If he's going to kill either of us, it might as well be you!  
ME: ( **I've got that dumbstruck moment Merlin gets on his face when Arthur does something particularly mean to him** ) I'm not going into the hallway and looking out the door!  
APRIL: ( **rolls her eyes as if _I'm_  the wimp**) Here – take the fire poker to defend yourself! If he jumps out, start stabbing!  
ME: Fine…

And just so you know, it's been a few months since this happened and I don't record every conversation I have, so that was more of a paraphrase but it still gives you the general idea. And just so you know, there was no one outside, so it was probably just some random dude that was walking his dog and decided to be friendly. He probably felt really hurt when April ran away from him, maybe even went home to his wife and said, "Honey, am I really that ugly?" And then his wife would sigh and say, "Oh, no, dear – who did you scare  _this_  time?" Heehee…

I made that last part up.

Anyway, when I put the fire poker back up, my hands were black with soot. I wonder if Gwen's hands got soot all over them too when she picks up the fire poker.

Okay, here's hoping I didn't bore you with my personal narrative. Personally, I thought it was fascinating, but then again, I  _do_  like talking about (and to) myself, so I could be a bit biased. Okay, back to the episode – I'm just going to jump back in  _exactly_  where I left off!

**(DIGRESSION COMPLETE)**

—and then some dude puts a drugged cloth to her face and she passes out. I'm a little dubious about this. Did they have chloroform back them? Once again I wonder if they drew on Nancy Drew or the Hardy Boys for some of their episode ideas – secret passageways behind bookshelves and now chloroform soaked clothes. I know, I suppose it doesn't  _have_  to be chloroform but heaven knows I've used that drug enough in my Hardy Boys fanfictions. Hmm… next thing you know, Gwen's going to turn into a Mary Sue like Nancy Drew more than she already IS, that is – and that totally rhymed! I'm SO a poet and didn't know it! Bwahaha – actually, I DO know it, considering I write poetry all the time. And have even had one published. But that's beside the point.

Anyway, I think I'll take a stab at summarizing some of this episode in poetic form – like a bard, and I'll just randomly burst into poetry when you LEAST expect it! But not right now… because I have to give you the next Merlin and Arthur dialogue straight from the horses' mouths. Wait. I don't like this metaphor to describe our guys. Horses are cool and all but they don't really inspire the image I want… Straight from the ducklings' beaks. That way, they can be cute, cuddly, AND scare the crap out of Uther. *cackles evilly* Now,  _this_ , I like!

It's morning and Merlin's waking Arthur up – and Arthur isn't wearing a shirt! Whoa, I thought we'd never get another "shirtless Arthur scene"! This is going on the counter! Ahhh…

And YES, I am still Team Merlin, baby!

Seriously, though, (ha, me, serious? As if!) this is a great scene – so funny!

MERLIN: ( **throws open the curtains and Arthur blinks in the sunlight; in an all too chipper voice – you know how when it's early in the morning and someone comes up to you and is like, "Hiya, good morning, it's a beautiful day, I love mornings, aren't you happy, I'm happy, I love coffee, mornings are the BEST!" and you just want to punch their throats? Well, this is the tone of voice Merlin uses. Except I don't want to throat punch him. I want to hug him. As per usual.** ) Rise and shine! ( **I think Arthur, though, _does_  want to throat punch him. But Arthur always seems to want to do that. So I guess it's a moot point.**)  
ARTHUR: Can't you think of  _anything_ new to say? ( **Actually, Arthur doesn't seem like he wants to hurt Merlin for once – he's actually got that cute sleepy voice that makes you want to say "AWWW" and give him a cookie. But I'm not turning into Team Arthur. Never. I love Merlin. Merlin is cute and sweet and makes me want to hug him all the time and he also is hilarious and has the cutest darn ears in the history of ears (even cuter than my basset-lab's ears and his are adorable!) and I love Merlin! *grins* See? Team Merlin! Booyah!** )  
MERLIN: ( **He has this ADORBALE grin on his face – yep, still Team Merlin, TM for short, not to be confused with the little TM thing that appears beside the names of some games and stuff.** ) What?  
ARTHUR: Every morning, it is the same thing. ( **Now he's starting to sound a little more like he wants to hurt someone. But maybe it's just because he always sounds annoyed. I dunno.** )  
MERLIN: Oh I'm sorry. ( **He is SO not sorry. I love that cheeky guy so much!** ) How about… ( **and he looks _quite_ pleased with his alternatives, by the way, and you can tell he's saying them just to annoy Artie, which makes me happy to a point which I can't even express in words**) … "Shake a leg"? ( **Arthur glares at him.** ) "Up and at'em"? ( **He looks FAR too happy with this… heehee – and then the best one that even has Merlin looking a little caught off guard…** ) "Let's have you lazy daisy…" ( **I believe Merlin deserves a point here for sheer awesomeness and ticking Cranky Arthur off so early in the morning…** ) Ah, you don't like any of them, do you?  
ARTHUR: ( **Looks REALLY annoyed and simply shakes his head no.** )  
MERLIN: ( **Starting to realize that he may want to skedaddle before his royal grumpiness gets even more irritated.** ) Uuh… Okay, uh, I'm just going to go… before you decide to do something that – ( **Ducks and barely misses getting hit by a flying breakable thing that Arthur decided to throw at his head – which makes me have to say – Kitty O, shame on you for writing your amazing HTAKAW… Arthur's apparently read it and has been getting some pretty nasty ideas! Haha, Merlin, on his part, just zips away with a dopey grin on his face. Have I mentioned that I love this guy? Oh, yeah, and point Arthur, even though he's being a jerk.** )

Moving on…

Morgana shows up to breakfast acting like she's all worried because Gwen didn't show up (I  _really_  despise her, this was definitely her "no going back" point in my book), Uther is a dwonk (as usual) acting like Gwen can easily be replaced while Arthur and Merlin look all… uh oh. And there's this pretty significant moment where Merlin tries to fill Morgana's glass and she refuses him. As much as I hate Morgana, I can  _almost_  understand here. Merlin  _has_ poisoned her before (even though he was doing the right thing and I don't blame him and it literally tore him apart inside) and if I were an evil lying she-witch of doom (which I'm not, nor will I EVER be), I don't know that I'd exactly want him filling my glass, either. But I wish Merlin WOULD poison her for good now. He's too nice to do it though. I'm not. *sneaky look* Nah, I'm no killer. Or am I? *another sneaky look* But yeah, I thought that was pretty clever how they put that in there. And of course, the scene ends with Morgana smirking. How about that? I'm starting to think we need a Smirk Meter as well… I'll see what I can do.

 _After that, Merlin goes to see what's keeping Gwen_  
And Arthur is so worried that he's clucking like a hen  
And Merlin goes to Gwen's abode and there he finds a cloth  
And when he puts it to his nose, he lets out a cute cough

 _We change scenes and then we are far from Camelot_  
Where Morgause, our other she-witch and Cenred have… uh… adopted a pet… rock?  
Sorry that I couldn't rhyme, I got a bit confused  
But then they look through the bars and see some guy chained to the wall and he's kind of cute

 _They smirk at each other and I have to say_  
That smirking is something that is overdone today  
Gwen is taken to their home and she looks really scared  
I guess I would be too if Cenred touched my hair

 _They bring in the guy from the cell, his name is Elyon  
And he turns out to be Gwen's brother, so they're like "WIN!"  
Cenred tells Gwen that she must go back to Camelot  
And bring Arthur here along with her or her brother will be shot _(well, they didn't specify  _how_  he would be killed, only that he  _would,_ but it has to rhyme, doesn't it?)

 _Apparently Elyon's the type of dude who always gets in trouble_  
And somehow after being captured, he has shaved his stubble  
That in itself is kind of strange, shouldn't he have a beard?  
But no, he's really clean-shaven, which I find kind of weird (just saying)

 _Meanwhile, Merlin takes the cloth he found at Gwen's to Artie_  
Arthur isn't too impressed and Merlin tells him to sniff; it's smelly  
Arthur is an idiot (well, it's true!) and takes and great big whiff  
While Merlin simply rolls his eyes and moves a chair so Arthur can pass out/sit

 _Arthur asks what that is and somehow Merlin knows_  
Perhaps he's been paying attention to Gaius, or perhaps his nose just KNOWS!  
Apparently it isn't chloroform, darn, my theory's wrong  
But he says it's a compound made of hogs wart and I broke into song!

 _Merlin said Hogwarts (well not really but he came pretty durn close to saying the name of the greatest school EVER)_  
This has made my day, my week, maybe my whole year!  
Anyway, I'm digressing again (surprise, surprise)  
Cenred sends Gwen (who doesn't know that Morgause is involved) back to Arthur and she has to make him come back if she ever wants to see Elyon again with her own two eyes

See? When you LEAST expected it! HA! I win! I'm quite proud of my nearly seamless shift from prose to poetry, meself…

Okay, so that was fun and quite a clever plot device… haha,  _do_  let me know what you thought of it, I might employ that technique again at some point if you found it enjoyable and amusing… I know I did… I felt like Dr. Seuss except I didn't make up any weird creatures or mention rainbow food… Hmmm…

*light bulb!*

Anywhat…

Arthur tries to convince his dad that they need to search for Gwen, and Uther is annoying once again (oh wow, apparently I've still got rhyming on the brain!) by saying that some guards have until nightfall to search the lower town. This annoys me to no end. Uther Pendragon is almost as obnoxious as his bratty daughter. Almost. This whole family is screwy if you ask me! (Except for Arthur, naturally, but we'll say he takes after his mum, whose ghost seemed pretty decent at any rate.)

Gwen arrives back in Camelot, Morgana pretends to be concerned, and Merlin really  _is_  concerned…  _especially_ when he sees that she has rope burns on her wrists and he finally convinces her to tell what's wrong… and of course they devise a plan to get Elyon out safely without anyone (like Arthur) getting captured/killed with Arthur – AFTER Merlin and Gwen have a bit of a friendship moment. Aww, I missed that. Still do, actually.

I still think someone should have grabbed Merlin, too, just for extra incentive, not because it would make sense or enhance the story, but because we've been deprived some serious Merlin whump in the show where it's all about Arthur. Which reminds me. If you want to see Merlin be the one targeted for once and Arthur realize that he's not the only one worth kidnapping, check out my newest multi-fic, Ransoming Emrys, which is just that. Yep, more shameless self-promotion. Sorry, y'all – that's just how I roll.

They plan on going to the Castle of Fyrien (which I hate because I can't spell it without looking at the name first), where Cenred's hideout is, and breaking Elyon out so they can all live happily ever after. Of course, Merlin is like… "What do you mean,  _we_?" which I'm assuming is more for Arthur's benefit because he thinks Merlin's a spineless coward. I think Merlin's trying to ease the tension with a little dry humor because we know he's really extremely brave AND that he'd do anything for his friends! And no, I'm not biased toward Merlin, not at ALL! (I think my nose just grew a foot – and no, not an actual foot, like there is not an actual foot sticking out of my left nostril, but a foot as in… twelve inches… because in Pinocchio, a creepy wooden puppet that I hate because he's a creepy wooden puppet that comes alive, his nose grows when he tells a lie and… oh, am I over explaining this? So sorry.)

And, of course Morgana is standing outside the door listening in the whole time! And then it only stands to reason that she smirks and goes to tell the good news to her sister – Arthur has taken the bait.

Whoopdie-doo.

I  _really_  hate Morgana.

* * *

**Stats:**

**Burn Meter 5000:**  
Part 1: Arthur 1, Merlin 1  
This Episode so Far: Arthur 1, Merlin 1  
Total: Arthur 31, Merlin 37

 **Shirtless Arthur Scenes:**  
Part 1: 1  
This Episode so Far: 1  
Total: 4

 **Smirk-O-Meter**  
Part 1: 8  
This Episode so far: 8  
Total: 44


	18. The Castle of Fyrien II

Arthur goes to his father with a story about how he made a bet with Morgana and lost. Now, apparently, he has to go get her two silk dresses. Wow… great lie, Arthur. I wouldn't have made Morgana look smart enough to beat me in a bet. I would've told Uther that someone has stolen all of our churros and now Merlin and I have to go on a quest and fight mythical fire-breathing donkeys (or burros) of doom. They protect the churros. They're… burro churros… haha… No? Okay…

And apparently, Uther disapproves of gambling! Oh, what an upstanding and moral person our great king is! He doesn't want his son squandering his money (not like he doesn't have enough of it, anyway, eh?) because it's immoral! Aw, how sweet? Can we hug him now and give him a Scooby Snack? I think not!

So Uther disapproves of gambling yet he approves of murder? As in he kills anyone that even so much thinks the word "magic"… and yet when it comes to poker and slots, he's all righteous. Or maybe he just doesn't want to lose money. Yeah… I'll bet that's it. So he hoards money  _and_  bodies. How lovely.

Sorry, sorry… I know some of you actually like Uther (Kitty O, my friend, I'm glancing innocently in your general direction right about now). And that's fine. Sometimes  _I_  even like him to a certain extent. But I also dislike him to a substantially larger extent – and as I cannot run at him with an axe, I'm venting my frustration at him the only way I can – exploiting his ever fault, even when there aren't any. If he went a whole episode without doing anything bad, I'd probably make something up. "And then, Uther decided that all the ducks in the world must be put in prisons so they can't watch him anymore…"

But anyway, what cracks me up, though, is Uther's reaction. He simply giggles and remarks, "I should have guessed. Really, Arthur, you should have known better than to bet against Morgana." And then a little later, after Arthur declares he has to go out of town for a couple of days to get the silk, Uther goes, "Well, I'd get going if I were you. Won't want to keep her waiting – she'll have your guts."

I just LOVE how even Uther knows deep, deep down that Morgana is evil. Bwahaha!

Of course, Merlin's smirking through this whole conversation… I can't really blame him – it was quite a silly lie (and I'm actually a bit surprised it worked) and it  _was_ pretty amusing to watch. Not as entertaining as watching me try to walk in a straight line, but still pretty hilarious.

And then we have our pre-quest Merlin and Gaius segment. Ah, predictability. How do I see thee coming up ahead.

Here's the formula for said pre-quest segment, in case you haven't figured it out yet, are interested, haven't figured it out yet  _and_  are interested, or your pet llama ate your toe socks:

**1) Merlin tells Gaius about what's going on.**

**2) Gaius asks Merlin if he's sure.**

**3) Merlin answers, usually with a yes.**

**4 & 5) Gaius points out the obvious while simultaneously poking holes in the plan.**

**6) Merlin ignores him.**

**7) Gaius tells Merlin to be careful.**

**8) Merlin ignores him.**

Seriously! You don't believe me? Here, I'll prove it to you (*ahem*) –

(And it may be in slightly different order from time to time but the important thing is that all the elements are there!)

GAIUS: Morgana? Are you certain? ( **I'll have a number 2 with an extra side of "told ya so" and a large cup of So-Duh! (get it, soda, so-duh!, because I'm saying duh because I knew this was going to happen… over-explaining again? So sorry.))  
** MERLIN: Yes. ( **Number 3, y'all!** ) She's been feeding Cenred information. How else would he know about Arthur's feelings for Gwen? ( **Ooh, maybe he's secretly a love psychic in his spare time! You know those people that look into shiny balls and tickle the palm of your hand and then say, "You are going to marry a short, stinky man that looks like a fish and has an unhealthy fascination with cows!"? I'll bet Cenred's one of those people! Oooor Merlin could be right but somehow I like the idea of Cenred with a sparkly bandanna on his head, wearing gypsy style clothing with both ears pierced, calling himself "Madame C"… Urgh. Back to the dialogue. That was a number 1, people!** ) **  
**GAIUS: Then there's no denying it. ( **Hmph. Apparently Gaius doesn't like my alternative. It's okay, Gaius. I don't like your tendency to tell Merlin what to do all the time! So there!** )  
MERLIN: Now if I could just go to Arthur and tell him what I know…( **I know the feeling, M. There's a lot of things that _I_ know that I want to tell Artie myself. Like the fact that you are more epic than he is. And that you sacrifice so much for him! And that zebras are monochromatic equestrians of… awesomeness! Ha, fooled ya, you thought I was going to say doom, didn't ya? Honestly. What's doomish about a zebra? Those guys are so stylish and they go "Wheep!" … well my zebra impression kind of sucks. But you get the point. Anyway, where was I?**)  
GAIUS: You can't! It's your word against Morgana, and she's the king's daughter. ( **There we go folks – number 4 at your service – pointing out the obvious!** )  
MERLIN: I know. She's found Arthur's weak spot. ( **BOO! I want to see an episode where you, Merlin, are Arthur's weak spot. But not in a creepy romantic way. A non-creepy bromantic way. Because you two are BFFs. And Arthur hasn't had to risk it all to save you since 1x04. I think it's about time YOU are used for leverage on the show because you and Arthur are friends. Why am I ranting to a fictional character about what I want to happen to him? Because it's me. Think about it. –oh and sorry Merlin, you're not fictional, I know you're not…heehee–** )  
GAIUS: Arthur can't sacrifice himself for Gwen's brother. ( **Numero 4 continued… Thank you, Captain Obvious!** )  
MERLIN: No, of course not. We're going to rescue him instead. ( **Wait, hold the phone – was Merlin suggesting earlier that Elyan (sorry about the misspelling last chapter, guys, _Elyon_  happens to be the symbolic representation of God in Ted Dekker's  _Circle Trilogy_. Two totally different people… I'll try not to do that again!** )  
GAIUS: You're going to snatch this boy from under Cenred's nose, you and Arthur? ( **Number 5! And yes, Gaius, yes they are. Why? Because they are "TEAM EPIC"!** ) Morgana knows nothing of this?  
MERLIN: No. ( **YES! Merlin, don't be a ninny! Of _course_  she knows – otherwise there wouldn't be a plot! Oh and there's number 6, y'all.**)  
GAIUS: Merlin – look after yourself. ( **SEVEN!** )

And whenever Merlin gets into some sort of trouble, we'll know number eight is upon us. And this happens on a regular basis, this pre-quest chat of predictability. Ah well, I'm not complaining. It gives us more of a set-up of the scene and also gives us a sense of stability (which I hear is very important when you're in a relationship or walking on a tightrope across a sea of flames).

Just as Merlin and Arthur are preparing to leave, Morgana smirks (imagine that) at Merlin ad announces that she's coming too. Merlin seems surprised. I didn't seem surprised. Of  _course_  she's coming. She's annoying and she's the darkness to your light. Get over it.

When Merlin tells Arthur he thinks it's a bad idea, Arthur basically tells Merlin that she'll watch his back. (Yeah, right, more like plunge a rusted spork through it given half a chance!).

Quick side note – Microsoft Word has incorrectly told me that "spork" is not a word. I am offended because sporks are what make this world go round (well,  _my_  world at any rate). Sorry, sorry.

Anyway, Merlin says that he'll watch Merlin's back and Arthur laughs at him and pokes fun at Merlin's swordmanship skills (or lack thereof). Arthur gets a point although what I really want is for him to get a clue. If he knew how much Merlin has protected him and what he has sacrificed… oh man, he'd be eating a big fat bowl of humble beans right now (like humble pie except much less tasty, which is no more than he deserves for being such a prat sometimes! Ooh, point Lizzie!) Although I know that Merlin does rather suck with a sword, he's got magic and he uses it to protect Arthur's ungrateful backside. He's ready to let the person who wants him dead "watch" his back and laugh in Merlin's face for what he does every single freaking day! *deep breath* Sorry. All that to say… point Arthur.

And… they're off!

They are riding through the forest, Arthur is trying to be all manly and assure Gwen that she doesn't have to be afraid in the woods. But if he's so worried about her being afraid, why is he letting her come along, anyway? I thought it was his deepest desire to protect her. But then again, it  _is_  her brother. Hm. Arthur and Gwen are riding up front, side by side, and Merlin and Morgana are riding beside each other at the back. And Morgana is taking every available ounce of her screen time to glare at Merlin. This makes me happy. The tension between the two of them is amazing and my Mergana instincts are on high alert. I kind of want Morgana to kiss him. At the same time, I want Merlin to beat her upside the head with whatever resource is readily available (a tree branch, an acorn, a half-finished granola bar – haha, I made a typo and accidentally wrote granola bra haha, but then I fixed it but had to tell you guys about it all the same… ha, granola bra, sounds like something Lady Gaga would wear! Awk-ward. Back to the story thing.)

Arthur gains himself another point by saying that Morgana will have his back (although we know the only way Morgana will have his back is with something deadly and sharp sticking out of it) and then he tells Gwen to look after Merlin. Oh hardy-har-har mister funny! Someone's trying to catch up! Quick, Merlin, call him a dollop head! Or a stiff-brained cookie cutter! Whatever the heck that is! Haha… oy vey. I think I need some medication or something. So yeah, Arthur gets a point. Hurrah, yippee, woo-hoo, and all that. No, seriously, Team Arthur – good on ya! And seriously, Team Merlin – say something clever!

They stop for a break and Morgana goes off to collect firewood. Arthur tries to get rid of Merlin so that he and Gwen can have some "alone time" but poor sweet Merlin just isn't getting the picture, love his heart.

ARTHUR: Go get some more firewood, would you, Merlin?  
MERLIN: ( **totally oblivious** ) I thought Morgana was doing that.  
ARTHUR: Go and see if she's alright.  
MERLIN: ( **amused** ) Why wouldn't she be?  
ARTHUR: ( **He's starting to sound very prattish and irritated here, although I can hardly blame him. For someone who's got the destiny of a great kingdom resting on his shoulders (oh just thought of something epic to tell you guys, I'll remind myself here and now to tell you after this dialogue is over), can't seem to take a subtle – or completely un-subtle – hint. Gotta love him, eh?** ) I don't know. Maybe there are wolves in these woods. ( **Once again, I have to say how I love the way Arthur over pronounces some of his words. It's great!**   **Oh, and yeah, Merlin, I'm sure if there were wolves, your best buddy would send you out as protection for Morgana. He's made quite a point of making fun of your fighting skills today Merlin. Don't flatter yourself in his eyes (you can in mine, though!)** )  
MERLIN: ( **laughs** ) I don't think so.  
ARTHUR: Merlin. ( **Finally Arthur has to resort to VERY obviously inclining his head toward Gwen and the light bulb finally clicks on over Merlin's head. And I know they didn't have light bulbs back then, but how silly would a candle have looked bobbing over Merlin's head? And then Arthur mouths-** ) Go.  
MERLIN: Oh yeah. Yeah of course. ( **Very poor acting on Merlin's part here and brilliant acting on Colin's. I seriously LOLed at Merlin's antics for Gwen's benefit.** ) The wolves! ( **Runs off into the forest. Arthur and I roll our eyes in synchronization.** )

And Arthur heads over to Gwen and nobly offers to help her with the saddle she's been fiddling with ever since they got to the clearing. I think he's just looking for an excuse to make his move. Kind of like how guys will sit by their dates and stretch dramatically in order to get their arm around their shoulders. Or the way a guy will offer to teach a girl how to hit a golf ball so that he can slip his arms around her waist and touch her hands. It just goes to show you that guys are manipulative little beings. And yet somehow, I still love them. Well, some of them. Okay, a few of them. The rest are just kind of… there. Haha! Anyway, no offense if you're a guy… unless you're one of those that are just there. Then you can be offended if you so desire. Anyway, on with the rest of the rant.

Okay, so now that I'm done recounting the dialogue, I'd like to tell you about the awesome thing I made up this weekend. I'm so proud of it. It's really dumb but it makes me happy and my roommate recorded me saying it and is going to put a video of it on YouTube, along with various other videos where I am trying to be epic like Merlin. Somehow, though, my yelling "Astrice!" in the middle of the cafeteria and using the heel of my hand to send the salt and pepper shaker flying wasn't nearly as epic as Merlin yelling "Astrice" and a bit ball of energy barreling toward Nimeuh. Ah well. Meh. And what the heck does "meh" mean, anyway? I just said something that I have no idea of it's meaning… I hope I didn't just say something naughty in Norwegian.

So anyway, this thing I made up. I'm hoping most of you have seen the Disney/Pixar movie  _Finding Nemo_. If you have, this should make you laugh. Or groan. Or both. If you haven't, it will probably just make you scratch your head in bewilderment. It made Cat (my roomie) double over in laughter. So we'll see what happens with y'all. So in  _Finding Nemo_ , the daddy clownfish is named Marlin. And so I came up with this! First I'll give you the Merlin version and then I'll do it Nemo style! Ready?

MERLIN:  _In a land of myth and a time of magic, the destiny of a great kingdom rests on the shoulders of a young boy. His name… **Merlin.**_

FINDING NEMO:  _In a land of water and a time of fishies, the destiny of a great aquarium rests in the fins of a paranoid clownfish. His name… **Marlin.**_

Haha, get it? Merlin? Marlin? *crickets chirp* Okay, okay, I get it! Moving on… *grumbles*

This next scene makes me unspeakably happy. Why? Mergana sparks are flying… of course it could be my imagination because I believe in actuality, they are not getting along, but still… Merlin and Morgana "alone" scenes make me happy and give me goosebumps! Teehee!

MORGANA: What do you want, Merlin? ( **"I _want_  you to stop being evil and go out to dinner with me – I got us reservations at McDonalds and I'll even let you keep the toy in the Happy Meal. What do you say?" Hmm… I wonder if that's what Merlin was thinking…**)  
MERLIN: Arthur sent me. He wanted me to make sure you were okay.  
MORGANA: ( **sarcastically** ) How very thoughtful of him.  
MERLIN: Well, he cares for you. You know, Gwen too, they're your friends, Morgana. They've always been loyal to you. ( **Yes! YES! You tell her Merlin! Holy cheese waffles, this is intense! And Merlin's taking over the "Morgana is a loser" rant for me today… how thoughtful of him… and _I'm_  not being sarcastic, _Morgana_!** )  
MORGANA: Why are you telling me this? ( **Oooh, touchy… looks like somebody's conscience is trying to break through…** )  
MERLIN: Because I don't understand how anyone would want to hurt their friends. ( **Oh yeah, Merlin, tell her off – okay, now poke her with a tree branch!** )  
MORGANA: No, you just poison them. ( **Ooooh, this is getting REALLY tense… that was low, Morgana… he had no choice! And if you'd just look at the way he reacts to those words, you'd realize that he's still beating himself up about it, Morgana! He didn't _want_  to do that – it tore him apart!**) You'd do well, Merlin, to stay out of things that do not concern you. ( **And you would do well, Morgana, not to be an evil lying she-witch of doom!** )  
MERLIN: Oh but they  _do_  concern me. You see, they're my friends, too, and I'll do whatever it takes to protect them. ( **I should point out that by now they are staring each other down, eyes smoldering, Morgana moving closer to him until they're almost eye to eye… and it is just so EPIC! Cue epic magic battle of doom… pwease? *Puss in Boots sad face*** )  
MORGANA: I would expect nothing less. ( **Drops the firewood in a heap on his feet and walks away. Wait, does this mean no epic magic battle of doom? But WHY? *pouts* Ah well, the scene was still amazing nonetheless. Maybe Merlin and Morgana will chuck magical, burning harbingers of death at each other next season. That would make me happy. Very happy indeed.** )

After this incredible dialogue between our two fated enemies that I want to be together (I know, wishful thinking, right?) we get a sweet romantic scene with Arthur and Gwen. They talk a bit about Gwen's brother, Not-Elyon, and then Arthur has an epic fail trying to light the fire. Gwen takes the rocks or whatever (they didn't have crude medieval flints back then, or did they?) and gets the fire started. Arthur looks like his pride has taken a bit of a beating. I suppose this is the Merlin substitution for the classic sitcom  _Man tries to open pickle jar to prove his strength but can't and his petite wife pops the lid right off_  scenario. Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't a similar situation occur in a lot of TV shows and movies? Girl power. Heck to the yeah! Go Gwen!

They have an "almost" moment. An "almost" moment is where two love struck characters' lips are  _centimeters_ away from meeting… and then they are interrupted and they have to jerk apart and pretend like they were doing nothing but whistling casually and not preparing to snog each other. Ah, so sad, yet so necessary to create romantic tension. Fun stuff, love, eh? I think I may just stick to having cats. And there is nothing wrong with being a little old cat lady! Got it? Good! Because right now, that's what love psychic Madame Cenred has predicted for my future. And I'm perfectly happy with being a cat lady. So there.

When Merlin and Morgana intrude on the moment, Merlin tries to make up for it by saying, "I think I may have… missed a twig… back there. Do you… want me to go get it?" Aw, bless him.

Later on, during a dinner of beans (haha – beans, beans the musical fruit… although beans aren't fruits. They aren't veggies, either. They're legumes, not to be confused with lagoons, which is exactly what I did. I'm a genius, aren't I?), Arthur tells them of a secret passage into the Castle of Fyrien and although Merlin tries to distract Arthur into not telling in front of Morgana by trying to force-feed beans to him, Arthur tells all. And Morgana smirks. Oh dear. This can't be good.

Of course Morgana goes to Morgause and tells all. Morgause gives her a magical ring that she can throw on the ground at the tunnel entrance so the baddies can find it as well. Yeah, because most people carry evil magical rings around in their cloaks… but I thought that was only in Middle Earth… Ah, well… I'll stop nitpicking over the details. (HA! Me, not nitpick? It's like me not tripping over air or me not chasing every squirrel I see – but regardless, I shall try to move on!) When Morgana returns to camp, we see that Merlin is awake and heard her come back, something he addresses the next day as they get ready to go and Morgana is a *insert whatever naughty word you deem appropriate and multiply it times one hundred* to Merlin.

MERLIN: Trouble sleeping? ( **This is Merlin's way of saying, "I'm onto you, she-witch, and I'm not going to let you get away with this, so I suggest that you do not cross me." It made me smile. Merlin is SO not the idiot everyone thinks he is and I think Morgana might be starting to realize this.** )  
MORGANA: If you have a problem, Merlin, why don't you try talking to Arthur about it? ( **Aw, but you're a _much_  better conversationalist… NOT!**) No? Well keep your mouth  _shut_  then.

Oh no she didn't! Please, Merlin, just use your magic to turn her into a muskrat or a beetle or a cherry flavored crepe. No one will notice she's gone and if they do, you can distract them by offering them something to eat. "Crepe, anyone?"

 _They keep on riding and Merlin sees a snake_  
He makes it scare her horse and Morgana flies away  
Off the horse and on the ground, and Merlin rushes to her  
But I don't care because I'm laughing at Morgana falling in manure!

 _Also, I have to admit I am a bit surprised_  
That Merlin can command some snakes to frighten Morgana's ride  
This can only mean one thing and it makes me squee  
Merlin is a Parselmouth – he used his powers to make Morgana fall and hurt her knee (or ankle, whatever)

 _Morgana insists she can go on, that makes me really mad_  
I think Merlin should turn her into a fruit bat  
And yes I realize the rhyme was forced, excuse me for being creative  
It's nearly midnight here and I feel like I've had a sedative…

Uh…

Can I just say, I love Morgause and Cenred? Between the suggestive comments and the way Morgause so obviously uses the blind buffoon, I love them! They're just so funny… Haha, Cenred only  _thinks_  he wears the leather pants in this relationship. What he doesn't realize is that Morgause wears leather pants, too, but she only wears them to motorcycle gang meetings and her high school reunion.

What brought this up?

CENRED: Arthur's fate is sealed. ( **Ah, but so is yours, C-man… you just don't know about it yet… *ominous giggle*** )  
MORGAUSE: If you do your job properly. ( **Uh, Morgause, look who you're talking to here. Then you can laugh at the ridiculousness of your words. I did.** )  
CENRED: Don't worry about me.  
MORGAUSE: I don't, believe me.

Gosh, Cenred is such a loser if he can't see that he's being used… He apparently is blinded by his feelings for Morgause and can't see that she is blinded by her greed for power… Theirs is a broken relationship. I think they need to go to a relationship therapist.

THERAPIST: Hello, dears. What has brought you here today?  
CENRED: I'm not sure. One minute we were plotting her sister's brother's father's doom and the next,  _poof!_ , we were here. I think Emachinescat is up to her old tricks again.  
THERAPIST: Ah, okay. Well, while I've got you here, tell me about your problems.  
MORGAUSE: Fine. He's an idiot. He doesn't understand that I don't care about him at all, that I will  _kill_  him once my use for him is up and that I think his leather pants are ridiculous. Doesn't he look like he's about to pop out of them? Honestly, where are we, the 1970s? Are you trying out for  _Grease_?  
THERAPIST: It sounds like you have some deep seated issues of your own with him. But surely if you just tell him blatantly, like you just did, that you are not interested, he will see reason. Cenred, what do you have to say to Morgause?  
CENRED: You're so beautiful when you threaten and berate me and insult my fashion sense…  
THERAPIST: You mean, you're not upset?  
CENRED: She's so beautiful when she's glaring daggers through me, isn't she?  
THERAPIST: …  
MORGAUSE: Cenred – I am USING you!  
CENRED: She's so cute when she's using me.  
THERAPIST AND MORGAUSE (in perfect synchronization): *facepalm*

After another suggestive, clueless (on Madame C's part) conversation between Morgause and her ticket to power, Merlin tries to get Arthur to change his mind about going through the tunnels because of an instinct. Arthur just insists on being sarcastically clever today and earning himself ANOTHER point on the burn meter:

"Well, if you've got an instinct, we should ignore my lifetime of military experience."

Ha… after which he says he's willing to bet his life on Cenred not knowing about the tunnels. *sing song voice* _You might regret that…_

Oh, the irony!

They sneak into the tunnels (where Morgana lags behind so she can drop the ring) and Merlin runs into a spider web. He says something along the lines of "ew" – it's better than what I would have done, I would've screamed bloody murder and demanded Arthur get it off of me this instant, all the while dancing around in a panicked state, and that's not even an exaggeration; it's happened before, except Arthur didn't have to pick the web off of me, but my mom did…poor mom – and Arthur says, "Stop worrying about your hair, Merlin." Geez, Arthur, give it a rest, will you? You just can't stand being behind, can you?

Merlin's response is, "Very funny," which we are going to count because it WAS sarcasm and Merlin's obviously a bit distracted by the horrors of spider webs clinging to his face… BLECH! I shudder just  _thinking_ about it! BLEH! My skin is tingling and I'm about to freak… I HATE SPIDERS!

Okay… I think I'm good…

BLECH!

Alright… moving on…

And then Morgana returns and Arthur tells everyone to stick together and keep moving… Arthur has officially been lured into a false sense of security… three guesses about what happens next…

*facepalm* For someone who claims to be so cautious, Arthur, you're really being a bit of a dunderhead… don't you think that even if Morgana wasn't a traitor, someone would have heard Gwen's scream at the skeleton? Oh dear, oh dear…

This is not going to go well, I just know it.

* * *

**Stats:**

**Burn Meter 5000:**  
Part 2: Arthur 4, Merlin 1  
This Episode so Far: Arthur 4, Merlin 2  
Total: Arthur 35, Merlin 38

 **Shirtless Arthur Scenes:**  
Part 2: 0  
This Episode so Far: 1  
Total: 4

 **Smirk-O-Meter**  
Part 2: 8  
This Episode so far: 16  
Total: 52


	19. The Castle of Fyrien III

I was right. It doesn't go well. The attempt to sneak into the castle of Frying or however you spell it, that is. It doesn't go well at  _all._

Why?

Hmm… it could be because there's skellies of dead folk strewn everywhere. It could be because Arthur's a prat. It could even be because I treated myself to a pack of 120 colored pencils today. But I think the most likely reason their little trip sucked was because the whole plan blew up in their face. And it is all because of the two evil lying she-witches of doom. Jerks.

So people come pouring into the tunnels (and not good people, or even average people, but evil people – Cenred's so-called "knights") and a huge fight starts. Gwen seems to think that it's because she screamed when she saw Mr. Bones . That could have been the case  _if_  Morgana hadn't already lead Cenred and his men to the secret entrance. Gosh, I really dislike her.

Things are getting pretty crazy when one of the baddies grabs Gwen (who for some reason isn't armed although she's shown time and again she's perfectly capable of fending for herself, well most of the time anyway – actually, it's weird. You'd think Arthur wants to keep his honey-pie safe, right? So he takes her along on a dangerous mission and then she's not armed? At least I didn't see a weapon. And neither did some commenter on YouTube whose comment alerted me to this fact. But I – we – could be wrong. But I doubt it. Anyway…) and puts a sword to her throat. And of course everyone surrenders.

It's actually pretty cool for me, seeing Arthur surrender, no matter how begrudgingly, because it's simply something he doesn't do. But love makes you do strange things, I'd wager. Like cut out your heart and lock it in a chest (Pirates of the Caribbean 2 & 3). Or have a make out session right in the middle of a magical war (Harry Potter 7). Or chase a small penguin around with a limp taco screaming, "No, you can't have my gallbladder!" (You don't even want to  _know_  where that came from.) But I'll bet Arthur would do that for Merlin, too – and before you Merthur fans get your knickers in a twist of excitement, no, I don't mean because of love. Friendship. Bromance. Not romance. Bro, not ro – savvy?

Anywho…

After everybody's captured and restrained, they're dragged into Cenred's throne room and pushed to their knees in front of his throne. Cenred has got to be one of the most awesome villains ever (or at least in this show) because he loves being evil so much it's hilarous to behold! It's like it makes him giddy to say evil sarcastic remarks like, "Well, well, well, Arthur Pendragon, how  _kind_  of you to pay me a visit." AND "I see you brought some friends… the more the merrier, I say!" It's classic bad-guy stuff. It's hilarious and creepy at the same time. Oh, and he also has "ways" … whatever that means…

He proceeds to walk down the line of people (he has quite a few prisoners to deal with) and doesn't pay any attention to Gwen or Merlin (which ticks me off, I would really like to see Merlin and Cenred interact, especially if it involved Cenred and his "ways" or general whumping of any kind… but more on that later… when I give my customary episodal rant about our lack of Merlin-whumping in the show… But like I said, more later!), but mainly focuses on Arthur and Morgana, although it's all for show with Morgana. Well, on his part it is. Although when he reaches out to touch her and she spits, "Don't you dare touch me, you  _pig_ ," it's pretty obvious she really means it. Morgana's not that good of an actress. She can't even hide her smirks so it's obvious she doesn't care for Cenred. I wouldn't either though.

Arthur, for his part, is very noble, never backing down even though he's at this guy's mercy. If I were Arthur, I would've said something snarky like, "How many cows had to die so you could get your wardrobe?" or maybe even something even more clever that I can't think of right now.

Awesome quote coming up, by the way. Arthur demands that Cenred let him go (what is it with captives always making demands? Honestly, they're such divas, am I right?) and Cenred says, "You're right, that would only be fair… but fair is for fools, take them away!" Cenred is hilarious in his own sadistic way. I think he should write a book. "Cliché Witty Comebacks for the Classy Villain," or "How to Be Evil and Likeable at the Same Time" or even "Why You Shouldn't Eat Mayonnaise Straight from the Jar" – that was a bit of a mess, that one was. Haha.

Something I don't get though. Arthur says that he won't let Cenred hurt them because they're innocent. So is he implying that he's  _not_  innocent? Did he do something to warrant Cenred's wrath, like maybe invade his land, still his chickens, or eat the last freeze-pop? I don't know about Cenred, but I know  _I'd_ declare war over the last freeze-pop, unless it was banana because I hate banana flavored popsicles. But if he ate my last blue or pink popsicle… he'd be dead before he could say, "Merlin did it." Yep. I'm serious when it comes to my ice cream. And I'll bet Cenred is, too.

CENRED: ( **head is poked in fridge, leather-clad butt sticking out and he wiggles it a bit because he thinks Morgause enjoys the view even though in reality she is giggling because Morgana just told her this joke: "Two muffins are in the oven. One says, 'WOWWIE – is it hot in here or what?' and the other muffin says, 'OMG a talking muffin!'" – come on, Morgause laughed at it, you must too! Bwahaha!** ) Honey, where's the ice cream sandwiches?  
MORGAUSE: ( **still chortling madly** ) Talking muffins, that's a good one, hee hee… Oh, uh, the ice cream sandwiches?  
CENRED: Yeah.  
MORGAUSE: What about them?  
CENRED: ( **growing suspicious** ) Where are they? They were right next to the rainbow popsicles, which are gone too!  
MORGAUSE: ( **awkwardly** ) Uh… well, you see… ahem…  
CENRED: ( **glowering** ) You didn't eat my ice cream, did you, Morgause? Because you know how I get when I don't have frozen dairy in my gut! It's almost as bad a when I don't have dried out cow skin on my butt! I'm a simple guy, I don't ask for much – just dairy in my gut and leather on my butt!  
MORGAUSE: ( **eye twitches and then yells out:** ) Morgana did it!  
MORGANA: *gulp*  
CENRED: ( **turns into a ten foot monster named Barnabie and grabs Morgana and climbs up to the top of Camelot with her in his clutches, roaring madly** )  
MEANWHILE…  
MERLIN: Hey, isn't that King Cenred playing King Kong with Morgana at the tip of the castle?  
ARTHUR: Oh, would you look at that, it is. How nice they're finally getting along, eh?  
MORGANA: Heeeelp! He's gonna kill me!  
MERLIN: Yep. They're having a blast. *awkward pause* Got any fives?  
ARTHUR: Go fish.

Hee hee… I'd love to see those two play Go Fish. Actually, *light bulb*! I may just have to write a little one-shot crack!fic where Merlin and Arthur play Go Fish… or Uno… or some other card game… or it could be an extra chapter on my Rosco story… anyway… Sorry, brainstorming later, chapter writing now, homework… whenever I get to it. Yep, you can tell I set my priorities straight.

Oookay… sorry. That was a bit strange. But fun. Haha.

Where was I?

Oh right, Arthur saying Merlin, Gwen, and Morgana are "innocent." Which implies that Arthur isn't. He stole Cenred's freeze-pop. Except I know something they don't know – I stole it! Muahaha! And YUM was it good! So take that Cenred the Jerk! WHAT!

Erm…

After everyone is dragged off – Arthur struggling madly the whole way; I have to say that was so shmexy it made my day – but I'm still Team Merlin anyway! Oh wow, looks like it's RHYMING TIME WITH EMACHINESCAT – come on kids, hop onto the magic rug of mystery and rainbows and awesomeness and pie – and let's do some rhyming! (What do you think? Am I preschool teacher material? Or should I stick to my plan to teach snotty nosed high school students (not any high school students reading this, though, obviously – the annoying ones like the ones I graduated with, hee hee) instead of snotty nosed kiddos? Oh… maybe I should go with my original plan and become a hermit/cat lady/ninja/hopscotch world champion/dark wizard/monkey trainer/racecar cleaner/fairy tale princess/Mrs. Merlin Emrys. I dunno. Ha!)

 _Cenred is pretty cool, he knows Morgause is there_  
And when all his "guests" depart, he bows with a flourish and dyes his hair  
He chooses pink because he thinks it matches his eyes  
But in reality it really makes him look not very wise

 _Uh… Gwen and her brother are locked in the same cell_  
And Not-Elyon starts to tell her all's not well  
Guess she should have known as much, considering where she's at  
But wisely she doesn't kill her brother with a rat

 _He teases her about her relationship with her princely man_  
Because right now's the best time for that, right, Not-Elyon?  
Good grief, you've got to wonder what's up with this dude  
He didn't even show his face when his dad died – that's just rude!

 _And now he's stuck in a cell with his little sis_  
And all he can think of to do is tease her about Arthur who she likes to kiss  
Although I understand how she feels, I'd rather kiss Merlin  
Because when Team Arthur is pitted against Team Merlin, the latter ALWAYS wins!

 _Still, Elyan seems pretty cool and he's really cute  
So we'll forgive him for being a dwonk and move on to the next scene before I lose my flute (?) _(well, it rhymed, okay! Geez…)  
 _Morgana goes into the throne room with her sis and Cenred_  
She is a cold-blooded killer and she wants Artie dead

 _Newsflash for Morgana: you are so insane_  
I wish that some hungry zombies would come and eat your brain  
Or maybe you could walk into a pit of flesh eating mice  
For some of the stuff you've done, that punishment is pretty darn nice

 _Or you could be turned into a wombat_  
Nah, that might actually be fun and you'll have none of that  
Anyway, I keep digressing and I'm afraid I'm losing you all  
So I'm going to move on but I'll always be plotting Morgana's downfall

 _MUAHAHA!_  
That's my evil laugh  
MUAHAHA!  
What rhymes with MUAHAHA!

But seriously, guys – Morgause wants to get some information from Arthur (which, stupidly enough, does not involve whumping of either the Merlin or Arthur nature) and Morgana says something like, "Why don't we just kill him now?"

MORGANA YOU ARE A – foghorn toots continuously to cover up my angry words in a comical and audience-friendly way – PIMPLE PECAN! Ha! How ya like me now, sis?

I mean , what is it with Morgana? Like I've ranted an innumerable amount of times before, I understand her rage. But to kill everyone who still loves her and cares for her because of your hatred for two people is a little extreme. Morgana is SO annoying. No, scratch that. She's just… just… GRRRR!

Sorry, sorry…

(Not really but I might as well pretend not to be a S3-Morgana-hater. *strokes imaginary beard* Nah, not worth it. POO MORGANA! POOOOO! Heehee… that was fun!)

Cenred sums it all up (my rant, my anger, my questioning of why rainbows don't really taste like Skittles) in one sentence: "Morgana – how cold-hearted you've become."

I couldn't agree more, C-man.

Morgause wants to make Arthur tell her stuff – Camelot's secrets, battle strategies, and most importantly, how to do the moves to Thriller (she always gets screwed up on the last two stanzas) – but Morgana insists that Arthur won't talk. Morgause informs her lovely douche of a sister that "Cenred has his methods."

Whoops, I was wrong. Cenred has methods, not ways. I have ways  _and_  methods (and a room infested with ladybugs), so I win. And Cenred grins evilly and takes a bite of an apple.

OH NO! AN  _APPLE!_ He's going to force Arthur to talk by eating an apple! *dies*

CENRED: I'll ask you one last time, Pendragon. WHERE DOES UTHER KEEP HIS JUSTIN BEIBER COLLECTION?  
ARTHUR: ( **gasping** ) I'll… never… tell!  
CENRED: ( **lifts apple threateningly into the air** ) If you don't start talking… I'll start munching.  
ARTHUR: ( **shields face with hands** ) AHH! Nooo! Anything but the APPLES!

And now it is time for me to do a bit of ranting. You don't mind, do you? You do? Well, tough. Because I'm going to rant, you're going to listen, and then I'm going to eat some cake.

I thought that we were going to get SOME kind of whumpage in this sequence. Morgana assures Cenred that Arthur won't talk. He's locked in a cell with Merlin. They want answers. He's locked in a cell with Merlin. Cenred has his "methods." He's locked in a cell with Merlin. Arthur is, that is, not Cenred. Pronouns are so obnoxious sometimes.

Where was I?

Oh yes. I'm sure you all get what I'm going for here, right? If Arthur's not going to talk, what better way to make him talk than to threaten his BFF who is currently sharing a cell with him? I mean, it's only common sense. I know it's a family show and they aren't going to actually torture Merlin, but we could at least get a few threats. Maybe a punch or a slap or something. And an overly protective Arthur. We've already seen in this episode how far Arthur's willing to go to save his gal. Now let's see how willing he is to save his bestest friend.

But  _nooo_ … BBC hates my life and puts no Merlin whumping in whatsoever. And on top of that, Arthur's so-called plan to get them out has got to be the most idiotic things since the invention of glow in the dark Frisbees. In the words of my favorite comedian, "The Frisbee may glow in the dark, but that tree in my backyard sure doesn't!" Haha.

Sorry with the digression… but seriously. It's the stupidest, most annoying, and frankly embarrassing to watch "plan" that I've ever seen – and I've watched Spongebob Squarepants. This even outdoes SB's plan to make himself look like a loon to make Pat's parents think he was not a dummy. Yeah, I watch Spongebob. Rarely. Why? I have  _no_  idea…

Sorry again. See, this plan is so ridiculous that I have to keep digressing so I don't have to think of the sheer stupidity of it.

But before I go into full-rant mode again, I'll give you a cute little conversation between Arthur and Merlin that at least lessens the impending pain of the sheer idiocy that is to come. The scene – Arthur and Merlin are locked in a cell together. No restraints or anything. There's chains on the walls but does Morgause want to chain them up? Of course not, because not only would that deprive us whumpers the sick thrill of seeing our boys chained to the wall, but it would also make Arthur's so-called plan impossible.

MERLIN: I don't understand why we're not dead already. ( **Isn't it obvious, Merlin? If you die, there is no show and the fans of Merlin go into an angry fit of doom and rampage and pillage and assault the BBC with Nerf guns and foam swords and potato shooters. And then we'd go to jail and it would be all your fault. So that's why you have to stay alive. Also, because we fanfic writers can't whump you two when you're dead. Yeah, we're sadists. We admit it. At least, I do. Haha.** )  
ARTHUR: Because Cenred will want to torture me first, to find out what I know. ( **Ha – that's what YOU think, Arthur. But of course C's not going to torture you. Why? Well… because Arthur's a prat. That's the answer to everything.** )  
MERLIN: Aren't you afraid? ( **Nah, he's not afraid. He knows that even if by some chance the fanfic writers hijacked the script, he'd be safe from the torture seeing as their leader would be Emachinescat (because this is my fantasy I'm the leader) and she'd dictate Merlin, not Arthur whumping. But seeing as that will probably never happen…** )  
ARTHUR: No. Not in the slightest.  
MERLIN: I don't understand. How can you not be afraid of pain?  
ARTHUR: I am afraid of pain – there's just not going to be any. ( **At this point, I'm nearly beside myself with excitement going "WHY? Because they're going to go after Merlin, right? That's why… we finally get to see protective Arthur, who we haven't really seen too much of since season 1, right?" Hmph. WRONG!** )  
MERLIN: Right. So you go into some sort of trance. ( **Hee hee, apparently Merlin's read "The Princess Bride" by William Goldman. Or maybe he's even seen the movie although the movie doesn't go into nearly as much detail about how Wesley blocks out pain by going into some sort of trance where he daydreams about his girlfriend, Buttercup. And no, before you ask, Wesley's not dating his horse. Buttercup is a person. It took me a while to digest it, too.** )  
ARTHUR: What are you talking about? ( **Apparently Arthur hasn't read "The Princess Bride." He really should – it's an excellent read.** ) There's not going to be any because we are going to escape from this filthy cell _and_  rescue the others. ( **And of course Arthur tells Merlin this loudly and right as he's next to the door where, I don't know, guards might hear him. Apparently the cell is sound proof though. Convenient. Or maybe Morgause posted deaf guards. Who knows.** )  
MERLIN: ( **smiling** ) You've got a plan. ( **Yes and it's the stupidest plan EVER Merlin, you have to believe me, it makes no sense and it is just… GRRR!** )  
ARTHUR: Not as such. ( **What does that even mean? If "not as such" means "I have a terrible plan that will work only because our fates lie in the hands of a bunch of writers," then I totally agree. Also, if it means, "Rabbits are going to take over the world," I'll believe that too. Just saying.** )

Before I go into the stupid plan (have I gotten the point across that it's idiotic? Because it is. It really, really is.), I'll give a brief run-through of what's going on with Gwen and Elyan-not-Elyon. Basically, she chews him out for never coming to visit, even when their dad died (which I give her props for, that was kind of jerky of him), he apologize, and they have some brother/sister prison bonding time. Best way to solve problems between two quarreling siblings? Lock them in a cell together and let them have at it. Best case scenario, they'll work it out like Gwen and Elyan. Worst case scenario, they'll kill each other. Either way, you won't have to deal with their bickering any more.

Now for the plan.

Merlin runs to the cell door and bangs on it, yelling about how the prince has escaped.

ONE – The guards have been outside of the freaking door this whole time. No one has gone in or out, the door has remained locked, and there is no way Arthur could have escaped without their knowing. Arthur's cool and all, but even he's not that good! I don't even know if Chuck Norris could have gotten out of the cell. (Okay, so Chuck Norris would have SO gotten out of that cell, but he's Chuck Norris. Arthur's not. Sorry.)

TWO – WHY WOULD MERLIN BE ALERTING THE GUARDS? If Arthur escaped, I can see another guard or a traitor (*cough cough* Morgana *cough cough*) ratting him out, but why would Merlin be banging away on the door yelling, "HELP, the prince has escaped!" It. Makes. NO. Sense.

THREE – If Arthur had found a way to escape, why the heck wouldn't he bring Merlin with him? He's obviously noble and loyal to his friends, why do they think he's just going to leave Merlin to die? It. Makes. NO. Sense. At. Freaking. All.

FOUR – As I mentioned earlier, the guards didn't hear Arthur's announcement about how they were going to escape through the door, so I assumed the cell was sound proof. Apparently it's only sound proof when it's convenient t the plot.

We've not even gotten through the whole plan yet. Just wait.

—Quick interjection here: Something that makes this scene a little better is that the guards have their faces covered in such a way that they look like NINJAS! My dream is to be a ninja. Of looove… Oooh yeah. Erm, not even sure what that means but it's kinda awkward so I'm going to go back to my rant now. —

And so Merlin starts stammering about how he's sorry and he wishes he knew where he was…

FIVE – He's been in the cell with Arthur. How could he NOT know where Arthur is? Geez…

Although I had to laugh at this next part. Merlin goes, "Oh, there he is!" He points up. Ninjas look up. Arthur's hanging from the ceiling. He grins deviously. And falls right on top of them, stealing their weapons. Merlin and Arthur run out.

SIX – As cute as that little moment there was, how the heck did Arthur get up there? Did he stand on Merlin's shoulders? Did he sprout wings on his shoes and fly? (Maybe he's a son of Hermes… sorry, Percy Jackson moment, hee hee) Did Tinkerbell fly in and sprinkle pixie dust on him? I don't know. But it still doesn't make sense.

Okay, okay. I'll stop whining and get back to the episode.

Merlin totally hits one of the ninjas with a sword and when I say hit, I mean as if the sword was a baseball bat and the man was a baseball. Not even joking.  _Wham!_  The guy just falls over. Of course, there's no blood but Merlin may have clocked him with the flat of the blade. I'm not sure. Either way, it was pretty epic. And the way Merlin stands over him after he's PWNed him, along with his body language… let's just say that it's obvious that in his head Merlin's going, "WHAT now, SUCKA?"

That's what  _I'd_  be doing at any rate.

Arthur stares at Merlin for a few seconds after his awesome victory and deadpans, "Wonders never cease." Point Arthur.

And a quick anecdote that, once again, has nothing to do with the episode or Merlin (well, technically, if you count the fact that it indirectly involves Asa Butterfield AKA Mordred, then I guess it does…) but I just thought about it and if you haven't noticed, this is a story where I basically just ramble about anything that's on my mind. Usually it pertains to Merlin because usually all I think about is Merlin. And platypi, which Microsoft Word says isn't a word. Microsoft Word, you are dead to me! Do you hear me? *sobs*  _DEAD!_

Anyway…

So I was watching  _Nanny McPhee Returns_  with my family and there's this part at the end where Nanny McPhee is making all these sparkles fly around in the air and fireworks, and sparkles are everywhere… And this happens – no joke – and it made my stepdad go up a million points on the epic-meter.

NANNY MCPHEE: ( **makes sparkles fly everywhere** )  
SEAN: ( **deadpans in a completely calm voice and tone** ) Hey look – a Cullen exploded.  
ME: ( **proceeds to laugh so hard that yesterday's milk comes out my nose** ) I love you, Sean.

Sean's my stepdad by the way. Isn't he awesome? Let's all give him a HUGE round of applause for guest-starring in my regularly occurring digression today! Wasn't he great!

Hee hee, that made me SO happy. *snort* A Cullen exploded. BRILLIANT!

Okay, okay. Back on track, sorry.

The next part COMPLETELY makes up for the hideous plan, although the part after that scars me for life and counteracts the first thing, but this first thing is still so epic that it's awesomeositiude shines through even in the dim light of the moon – and if you don't get that joke, you obviously didn't see what's coming soon.

Anyway, before we get to the point where my eyes melted out of my sockets and I had to make an emergency appointment with my therapist, this happened:

Arthur and Merlin get out and get to Gwen and Elyan's cell. They see a guard sitting there when they peek around the corner. Arthur asks Merlin if he has any ideas. Merlin says, "Only this." And then he proceeds to shove Arthur out into the open in front of the guard. HECK to the YEAH! Point. MERLIN. He SO got revenge on Arthur for doing the exact same thing to him in 2x04, Lancelot and Guinevere. And YES I have all the episode numbers and titles memorized in order. Does that make me an obsessive weirdo with no life?

So Arthur "distracts" the guy by nearly getting himself run through. The dude's got him pinned against the wall and Merlin does a spell that makes the guy's pants fall down. Arthur knees him in the no-no square and the guy doubles over. He gets the keys and throws the guy forward, where he just so happens to land in Gwen and Elyan's cell and his bare booty is bared for all to see.

My eyeballs were sucked back into their sockets. AHHHH, the BUTTS, the BUTTS! Me no like the moon!

Also –

THEY WON'T GIVE US ANY TORTURE BECAUSE IT'S A FAMILY SHOW, BUT THEY'LL SHOW THAT? THAT'S TORTURE WITHIN ITSELF!

I apologize if any of you actually enjoyed that. I, for one, did not.

Just thinking about it gives me the heebie-jeebies. I'm going to stop thinking and writing about that moment now. Let's get to the good stuff.

Well, one more thing about it. I wonder what our newly reunited siblings thought of the half-naked dude on the floor to the cell. They don't seem to react. Maybe it's because they're just so happy to be getting out. Or maybe they're not afraid of butts like me. I'm not afraid of butts. I just don't want to look at some old hairy dude's big butt all up in my face. And if that old hairy dude is reading this, I mean no harm. This is all in jest. Ish.

Erm…

Anyway, we'll never breech that awkward subject again.

On with the plot!

Arthur refuses to leave without Morgana, which only serves to make Morgana look even more terrible because while Arthur's willing to risk EVERYTHING to save her, she's whining to Morgause about how she wants to kill Arthur now. She really is a BEEEEP.

Arthur tells Merlin to run with Gwen and Elyan but he refuses because he's awesome and because he never listens to Arthur, ha ha, and he sneaks after Arthur. It's a good thing he does, too. Morgause, Cenred, and Morgana are planning on killing Arthur when he comes to find Morgana because they know he will. Which makes Morgana's awfulness even more awful. Cenred tells her she must play her part well and Morgana goes, "When have I not?" and smirks.

*facepalm*

Really, Morgana, really?

After Arthur confronts some more ninjas with a hearty "Evening" and then totally beats them, he (with Merlin hot on his trail) arrive at the throne room where Cenred has Morgana "hostage" although apparently she's just playing her part  _well_ … Morgause comes out and shoots a fire tornado of doom at Arthur. Arthur stands there and raises a sign that says HELP. Merlin is AWESOME and blows up Morgause's spell in her face. Everyone goes flying.

And of course they don't finish Cenred and Morgause off. Instead, Merlin grabs Morgana's arm and tries to drag her out. THIS MADE MY DAY:

MORGANA: I can't go on!  
MERLIN: What's the matter, too worried about your friends?  
MORGANA: My ankle!  
MERLIN: I'm not a fool, Morgana, I know what you're trying to do! ( **grabs her hand and tries to pull her forward** )  
MORGANA: You know  _nothing!_  ( **tries to pull away** )  
MERLIN: COME  _ON!_  ( **pulls her again** )

I. Love. This.

Arthur comes along and demands to know what's wrong and Morgana says it's her ankle. Arthur grabs her and slings her over his shoulder and she throws a fit, all the while, Merlin just grins and I die from the awesomeness of it all. *sigh*

Merlin's face is like, "Oooh, yeah… betcha didn't see that one coming, she-witch! Booyah!"

When they get out of the tunnels, they find that Gwen and Elyan didn't wait for them. More ninjas attack but Elyan makes quick work of them. I can already see the gears turning in Arthur's head and this is his stream of consciousness in that moment:

"Wow, he's good with a sword… I wonder what cheese will taste like in the future… wow, he just beat that guy BAD! … I want a muffin … Gwen's so purdy … I wonder what Merlin's middle name is … Dude, Elyan is DA MAN! I'll make a knight out of him yet! … I hope there's pie when we get back. I like pie."

I know this because I know EVERYTHING. Plus I'm psychic.

As they're riding back, Arthur makes this great speech that makes me hate Morgana's guts even more, which I didn't even think was possible:

"You see, that's what men like Cenred don't understand. Camelot was built on trust and loyalty. We'll never be defeated as long as we stay true to those ideals."

And then… Morgana sneaks a look at Merlin and Merlin SMIRKS at her and I just about died! Ooh, yeah, Morgana, Merlin isn't the dunce you think… he's so onto you… and he's gonna stop you again and again! That smirk was just… PERFECT!

The episode ends back in Camelot with Gwen thanking Arthur for bringing her brother back. Sad music plays as they gaze into each other's eyes, lamenting a love that can never be…

*blows nose loudly*

Sorry, did I ruin the moment?

* * *

**Stats:**

**Burn Meter 5000:**  
Part 3: Arthur 1, Merlin 1  
This Episode so Far: Arthur 5, Merlin 3  
Total: Arthur 36, Merlin 39

 **Shirtless Arthur Scenes:**  
Part 3: 0  
This Episode so Far: 1  
Total: 4

 **Smirk-O-Meter**  
Part 3: 1  
This Episode so far: 17  
Total: 53


	20. The Eye of the Phoenix I

*reminds self that this is  _not_  The Order of the Phoenix and not affiliated with it in any way, form or fashion, and that any similarities between characters of that and this episode of  _Merlin,_ whether living or dead, are purely coincidental… ah, who am I kidding here? It's SO connected… and we'll see how the worlds of Harry and Merlin are even more so connected later on at a certain bridge when we meet a certain bridge keeper that is also a certain music-conducting  _wingardium leviosaing_  ninja of awesomeness*

WOWSERS! So guess how this episode begins? Oh yeah, that's right – a shirtless Arthur scene! *sighs* And _no_ , I'm  _not_  defecting to Team Arthur, thank you very much! But just because I am hardcore Team Merlin doesn't mean that I can't enjoy the view (or  _views,_  when the other knights are involved as well), does it? *awkward silence* That's what I thought. Hmph.

So Arthur is washing his face – without a shirt on, just thought I'd point that out again as I add yet another point to the shirtless Arthur scenes count. We're up to five now. Five in eight episodes? Not bad. Just sayin'.

But seriously, this beginning is a little weird. Arthur splashes his face with water, Merlin puts a white robe around his shoulders, and then watches solemnly as Arthur walks into the throne room which is dark but lit by candles and kneels on the floor, bare feet and all. I'm getting a very monk-y vibe here. And no, I  _don't_ mean those cute, furry, poo-flinging, bug eating mammals, although that would be really cool if Arthur got a pet monkey. I'd bet he would name it Merlin. And this is why:

EVIL SORCERER: I will kill you all! REVEEEENGE! MUAHAHA!  
MERLIN THE MONKEY: ( **flings poo in the sorcerer's face** )  
MERLIN THE CUTIE: ( **uses his awesome magic to save the day** )  
ARTHUR: Why thank you, Merlin.  
MERLIN THE CUTIE: ( **surprised but grateful at Arthur finally acknowledging his good deeds and honorable intentions at last** ) Y-you're welcome.  
ARTHUR: ( **looks at Merlin like he's the bug Merlin the Monkey just picked out of his hair and ate** ) Not you. We named the monkey Merlin.  
MERLIN THE CUTIE: ( **raises eyebrows and says another awesome spell and light encases Arthur as Uther runs in** )  
UTHER: Magic! You're a sorcerer!  
ARTHUR: ( **turns into a duck** ) Quack.  
UTHER: ( **screams and faints** )  
MERLIN THE CUTIE: ( **to Merlin the Monkey** ) So… how about those Giants, eh?

Oh and lemme know if any of you got that Princess Bride reference, hee hee. It was totally obvious so if you've seen the movie at all you should get it. If not, SHAME ON YOU! Go stand in the corner and clean your room and wash your mouth out with soap! Why?

Because Arthur's a prat.

And yes, I did rip the first part of the dialogue from  _Pirates_  but it was just too good. Besides, I just gave credit and this is  _fan-fiction_  anyway, so…

Which reminds me… I don't think I've ever really put up a disclaimer on any of my stories before. I never saw the need since I figured it was obvious because it's a fan-fiction site. But do you think I should start doing it? Just in case? Auntie Arthur, any advice.

AUNTIE ARTHUR: Get a nice, cold tankard of mead.  
ME: You  _know_  I'm underage.  
AUNTIE ARTHUR: Get a nice, cold tankard of mead.  
ME: That wasn't even a question.  
AUNTIE ARTHUR: Get a nice cold tankard of mead.  
ME: Okay, this is getting  _really –_ ( **blushes furiously and pulls remote out from where I'd been sitting on it** ) Sorry, that was my bad. I was pressing the 'instant replay' button. Heh.

Oookay, Arthur was no help. And I'm seriously digressing again.

What was I saying again? Oh yeah – the whole monk-y feel too it. I dunno, the candle, the robes, the kneeling on the floor, the solemn attitude, the dramatic music… it made me think of monks. Maybe Arthur's going to become one. He's going to swear off girls forever and go live in an abbey and shave his head and call people "brother" and, well, that's about it. Maybe not… of course, I only know what I've seen of monks on TV (which is basically from the greatest cartoon anime show ever  _Avatar the Last Airbender_  and somehow I don't think that it's very true to life). Either way, that doesn't sound like a lifestyle Arthur would enjoy. He likes girls and violence and castles and his hair and calling people "idiot" too much. He's such a deep, complex man, Arthur is.

Okay, so – we find out as Merlin and Gwen back out of the throne room and leave him to whatever the heck he's doing that he – Arthur – is actually  _thinking_ , according to Merlin. Oh. Because that makes things SO much clearer now. I may not know a lot about monks, but I  _do_  know quite a bit about thinking. I do it a great deal of the time myself (and  _yes_ , most of that time my thoughts involve Merlin, squirrels, Skillet (the band, not the greasy frying pan), Harry Potter, and kitties, but it's still thinking, so there). And not once have I had to splash around in a basin of water, put on all white, take my shoes off and kneel in the middle of my living room floor. And I don't think it would help me think any better. But still, Merlin says that Arthur's thinking, so maybe it's a more difficult process for Arthur and he has to put a greater effort into the art of forming intelligent thoughts than most people. HA! Point Lizzie.

Gwen asks Merlin what Arthur's thinking about. Uhh… Gwen, I thought we went over this in season 1 episode 3,  _The Mark of Nimueh_. Merlin's  _not_  psychic. Remember this conversation?

GWEN: That's really weird because I haven't told anyone and yet you know.  
MERLIN: ( **sighs** ) Alright, you've finally found out… I'm psychic.  
GWEN: ( **laughs** ) No you're not!  
MERLIN: Yes, I am.  
GWEN: Then what am I thinking?  
MERLIN: That I'm…  _not_  psychic?  
GWEN: You're really strange, Merlin.

Aw, I had nearly forgotten how cute the early season 1 Gwen-crushing-on-an-oblivious-Merlin thing was. It also makes me think about how much I miss the Merlin/Gwen friendship in the show. *sigh* Anyway, the point of that little rabbit trail was to remind a certain queen-to-be that it's already been established that Merlin does not have the ability to read minds.

Then again, Merlin seems to have a pretty good idea of what Arthur's thinking about. At first he tells Gwen that Arthur's thinking about her and she smacks him lightly on the arm and I'm going, "Aw, there's some of that friendship I've been pouting about not having."

So here's the scoop:

MERLIN: He has to decide upon a quest. ( **Oh, because that makes things _so_  much clearer,  _thank you_ , Merlin. Next time I need to figure out what I'm going to do for the day – watch Merlin reruns, read Merlin fan-fiction, write Merlin fan-fiction, or try to tame a wild horseradish – I'll make sure to dress like a ghost and make my knee problems even worse by kneeling on my dorm room floor all night the night before. Then, more than likely, my choice will have been made for me after staying awake all night – I'll be slumped over in exhaustion from lack of sleep!**)  
GWEN: And… crouching on his knees all night's going to help? ( **THANK YOU GUINEVERE! You just totally went up about five hundred points of awesome in my book! Haha!** )  
MERLIN: Yes. He has to transcend his body so that the quest is revealed to him in a vision. ( **Whoa whoa whoa – hold the phone. So Uther's banned magic yet he's letting his son have _visions_? And since when did Arthur have The Gift? Professor Trelawny would be appalled. Of course, Trelawny also picks fights with centaurs and sees death in the most mundane of places. But still. And anyway, this whole "transcend his body" business sounds pretty shady. Makes me think of Ralph Waldo Emerson and all those Transcendentalists who wanted us to look inside of ourselves for the truth and then go roll in nature until we die. So… again I ask, what's the point in this, exactly?** )  
GWEN: ( **looks like she's about to burst out laughing and I can't say I blame her – this is just too strange** ) And you're going to stay here and watch?  
MERLIN: Gwen. This is one of the most important days in a prince's life. ( **Really? Because I don't recall Prince Caspian having to crouch on his knees all night in order to look within himself for a vision of truth for a quest to go roll in nature before he kicks the bucket (wow, it really sounds strange if you say it like that) And I don't think Prince William's ever had to do that either. I could be wrong. Maybe I could write a letter and ask. What about Prince of Persia? Or Prince Eric, from _The Little Mermaid_? Did  _they_ have to do this? I think  _not_. Just sayin'. (Boy I do a lot of 'just sayin,' don't I? Hee hee, my parents tell me that all the time and when they do, there's always this vein throbbing in their temple. Wonder if that means anything. Hm.)** ) … *NEXT MORNING* ( **Merlin is lying in the middle of the floor outside of the throne room, snoring. Way to go, Merls. You show that big bad sleep who's boss. I'm sure Arthur would be _thrilled_ with your commitment to him. Oh, and Merlin, just in case you can't hear it over the sound of your log-sawing racket, I'm being sarcastic right now. And yes, I  _can_  turn my witty sarcastic comments on Merlin as well.**)

Uther and a bunch of other folks come along and Merlin wakes up and follows them into the throne room. Arthur has chosen his quest. He's goin' fishin' y'all!

*random person comes up beside me and whispers in my ear before stepping to the side, a bit embarrassed for me* *clears throat* Oh… you mean to tell me that he's going to go see the Fisher King, not going fishing for king crabs? *random person nods head* Ah… well that's… embarrassing. And I already had an old merry fishin' song scratched out for the trip. Wanna hear?

EVERYONE: ( **wailing** ) No, please no no no, don't do this to us!  
MERLIN: Don't you torture me enough in your angst-ridden, Merlin whumping fan-fictions? Now you're going to make me listen some  _fishing_ song you wrote?  
ARTHUR: Fie, what a terrible fate that hath befallen Camelot!  
GAIUS: I'll go fetch some mind and ear-numbing potions. I fear we'll be in desperate need of them.  
UTHER: I forbid it! Off with her head!  
ME: Quack.  
UTHER: *dies of fright*  
ARTHUR: *gasps and steps close to me* Hello, my name is Arthur Pendragon. You killed my father. *pause* Gimme a high five!  
ME: *grins* So does this mean I can sing my song now?  
EVERYONE plus MERLIN plus ARTHUR plus GAIUS plus UTHER:  ** _NOOO!_** (A **nd yes, somehow Uther is still alive to say NO even though I apparently killed him, maybe the prospect of my song was so frightening that it brought Uther back for a final protest. Who knows. All I've got to say is this: "Tough crowd."** )  
ME:  _Fine._ *slinks into corner muttering:*  _Old man Arthur was a'fishin' crabs, he threw in the line, off went his shirt as he showed off his abs. He fell in the water and the crab pinched his butt, and then old Uther done got scared by a duck—_

And this is the point where everyone decides to abruptly cut me off by throwing me off a cliff. Not cool guys. Luckily I still have seven and a half lives left, so I can still finish this chapter. I bet y'all are just tickled pink by the idea, aren't ya?

Hmmm… I've been digressing for so long that I've totally forgot what I was talking about before. I suppose I could scroll up to page 3 of this Microsoft Word document and check, but I really can't be bothered to at the moment – it just looks like SO much work…

Oh alright… *scrolls up* Ducks, blah blah blah… fishing, blah blah blah… quest, blah blah blah… crabs, blah… ah, here we go. Right. Arthur's going to pay a visit to the Fisher King and get the Golden Trident. Oooh, sounds like something from a Spongebob Squarepants episode. This should be a blast, eh?

And then we find out the whole reason for this quest thing in the first place – apparently Arthur has to do this to prove he's worthy to be king and he has to do it without any help.  _Excuse me._  *runs off toward Uther with a machete in my hand. Comes back moments later with a blood-stained machete in my hand* Alright, where were we?

Oh right, here:

UTHER: Forget the fact that you've saved Camelot a hundred times over (although technically this isn't true since your servant's a secret warlock that's saving your butt all the time but you don't know that and neither do I but you have also saved Camelot too – technically you've saved it together because you're just an epically awesome team and… where was I?) and that you've proven yourself over and over and over again to be more worthy of the throne than I'll ever be. All that means nothing here. You have to go meet a fisherman and steal his giant magical fork of doom. Only when you have given me the fork of transcendental oneness with nature will you be worthy to become king because we all know that's what's really counts in this world. Also, while I've told you almost every episode that you are my cherished son and that I cannot lose you to a fool's errand like saving your servant who drank poison for you from certain doom, I'm going to tell you to go on this quest for a magical fork without anyone to help you out. It'll be dangerous and there will be bandits, quicksand, short men guarding bridges, and an evil lying she-witch of doom trying to kill you, but you must do this because it must be done. Got it?

Urgh. SO annoying. Because that's basically what's going on. Uther's making Arthur go on this mission to prove himself, and I don't care if it's a tradition, it's ridiculous for him to be acting like Arthur won't be ready to take the throne until he's stolen a sacred fork from some old dude who moans a lot. I mean, if it was a magical  _spork_  of doom, I'd understand. But a fork? I'd rather eat chocolate (well, that isn't a good example because I'd rather eat chocolate than do most anything, actually). I'd rather… do something I don't like to do. There.

And MS spell check is still idiotic and claims that spork isn't a word. Grrr. On a funny note, MS spell check also says that "grr" isn't a word but "Grrr" is. Hmm. Interesting.

We switch scenes and Merlin and Gaius are having one of their every episode chats about what's coming up. Apparently this Fisher King wasn't a fisherman at all. He was a sorcerer who got wounded in battle and then his magic kept him alive for hundreds of years and his lands perished and were named "The Perilous Lands." Sounds fun. I'll bet the Perilous Lands are… well… perilous. Unless the name's all just a ploy so outsiders won't intrude and it's really a place of rainbows and unicorns and ninjas and kitty cats and llamas and…

Oh yeah, and all the time Gaius is talking, Merlin's just stuffing food into his mouth like there's no tomorrow. Kinda like I did when I got my hands on those chili cheese nachos at dinner tonight. And then the peanut butter milkshake afterwards… *sighs blissfully* Yum! Anyway…this may not seem like a big deal right now, but it leads to something totally cute! (Merlin's eating fast, not my enjoying a peanut butter milkshake. All the latter led to was a brain freeze and longing for more sugar. Go figure.)

Here it is, one of the cutest (okay,  _the_  cutest) thing(s) I've ever seen: MERLIN GETS THE HICCUPS! D'awww…

Which reminds me, my cousin pointed this out this weekend – What do you think it was like for the first person to ever get hiccups? He's just sitting there talking and then all of a sudden 'hic!' He probably thought he was dying or something! Hmm… Death by Hiccups.

And the hiccupping annoys Arthur, which makes me extra happy.

Merlin points out (while trying not to hiccup but failing epically) after going over to Arthur's desk where he's got all kinds of papers spread out in preparation for his quest that none of the maps are the same. Arthur gets himself a point by sarcastically and patronizingly saying, "Well done, Merlin. Do you know why?"

And Merlin responds, "'Cuz Arthur's a prat!"

I wish.

Arthur says it's because hardly anyone's ever been there. Merlin gets a point for being sarcastic back to him, asking him if he couldn't have chosen something a  _bit_  easier. Arthur then retorts that a quick trip to the lower town to get some herbs probably isn't going to help him prove his worth to the people. I dunno, Arthur. That sounds pretty dangerous to me – you've got shoppers and crying children and street performers and haggling salesmen… it's dangerous territory, man!

He then makes a rather biting comment to Merlin about how he just doesn't get it because he's meant to be doing this ALONE. And then he kicks Merlin out. I'm not going to fuss at him for being mean to Merlin this time, though. After all, his dad is being super stupid right now and I kind of understand how Arthur's not in the mood for shenanigans, even the cute Merlin kind. And heck to the yes – I spelled shenanigans right on the first try! Woot! Also, I'm still unsure of how a hiccupping Merlin didn't serve to cheer Arthur up. It sure made my day a heck of a lot brighter. Just sayin'. Again.

Gwen and Morgana are at the market when an old lady comes up to Morgana. Except she's not really an old lady – she's Morgause. Really classy disguise, M. Seriously, is your role model the evil queen from Disney's _Snow White and the Seven Dwarves?_  I mean, look at the similarities:

(1) She disguises herself as an old lady in order to appear harmless.  
(2) She wants to kill royalty. (Snow was a princess, right?)  
(3) She already has one of the seven dwarves – Grumpy, or as he has taken to call himself, King Cenred. But we all know the truth.

And that's just about it. But still, what's next? A poisoned apple? That would be awesome. Especially if Merlin ate it by mistake. *sigh* I know, I'm a sadistic, terrible person. What else is new?

Morgause gives Morgana a bracelet for her to give to the prince before he leaves. Then Morgana will have to make "a likeness of the prince" and bind it to some sort of magic using some skills Morgause taught her. Maybe in Turning Against Everyone Who Has Ever Cared About You 101? That's my guess.

So the plan in a nutshell: Take the evil mystical bracelet of doom. Give said evil mystical bracelet of doom to prince. Make voodoo doll. Kill voodoo doll. Kill Arthur. Become queen. *insert evil laugh here*

But here's the really cool thing – when Morgause is leaving, Gwen catches a glimpse of her in the mirror – and sees the actual  _Morgause_  instead of an old lady! Woohoo, someone besides Merlin is noticing something! Go Gwen! You've racked up another two hundred fifty awesome points. You go girl!

Gwen goes to see Arthur before he leaves for his quest and he kisses her goodbye, promising he'll return. Aww, I find myself not minding at this because Gwen has been earning my respect like crazy, especially this episode. I mean, ten minutes in and she's gone up (pauses and does math in head)… what? 750 points on the awesome meter of awesomeness that totally didn't exist until I made it up this episode. Pretty impressive. (I think. Because I haven't exactly worked out the scoring yet. But still… 750. Haha.

* * *

**Stats:**

**Burn Meter 5000:**  
Part 1: Arthur 2, Merlin 1  
This Episode so Far: Arthur 2, Merlin 1  
Total: Arthur 38, Merlin 40

 **Shirtless Arthur Scenes:**  
Part 1: 1  
This Episode so Far: 1  
Total: 5

 **Smirk-O-Meter**  
Part 1: 2  
This Episode so far: 2  
Total: 55


	21. The Eye of the Phoenix II

Once again I'm going to start this out reminding everyone (including me) that this is NOT The Order of the Phoenix nor does it have anything to do with the secret organization that fights against Voldemort, although that _would_  be pretty cool. Hm. I be Merlin would be in the Order if he visited the Harry Potter universe. Of course, he'd just kick Voldie's butt all the way back to the orphanage so there wouldn't really be a need for the Order… but anyway… I digress… again.

Back to the episode. Or rather, TO the episode, since I wasn't actually talking about it to begin with, so there wasn't a "back" to go to. Um, am I over-explaining this?

As Arthur rides off to go on his quest (ALONE, as he likes to inform Merlin constantly throughout the course of the episode), Uther acts worried. Oh wow, Uther. So  _now_  you show concern. "Yes, I'm going to let my son go on a harrowing journey to the Perilous Lands so that he can prove what he's already proven dozens of times before, to go get a magic fork when I don't even  _like_  magic (or forks, for that matter; they're just so scary with all those sharp points), and then I'm going to go all angsty because I'm afraid something will happen to him." You are so infuriating, Uther Pendragon. Gah. Sometimes I just want to smack some sense into that thick skull of yours. Luckily, even though I can't actually do that, I can always go back and watch the video of Gaius W. smacking your head over and over and pretend it's me doing that. *smiles sweetly*

Morgana tells him not to worry, that she's sure a Pendragon will be ruling Camelot for a long time to come. And then she smirks. Can we add another one to the smirk-o-meter, Bob? (Bob is the score keeper, just so you know. I didn't even know it until just now, when I made him up. Clever, eh?) Speaking of smirks, though, if anyone wants to resubmit another guess for the total amount of smirks, feel free and as long as all the votes are in by the end of this episode, I'll use those instead, since she's smirking more than any of us ever imagined!

Before Arthur leaves, Merlin notices the Eye of the Phoenix on his wrist. Arthur is like, "Ain't it purdy? Morgana gave it to me because she just lurves me that much!" Except he didn't sound like a hillbilly. I'm not sure why my Arthur did, either, so don't ask. Some questions are better left unanswered (like "what happens to my left sock after it gets lost in the dryer" or "what the heck is Beiber fever?" or "Hon, where'd that giant orange traffic cone come from and why is it sitting in the middle of our living room?" Stuff like that.).

Of course, when Merlin hears that the evil lying she-witch of doom was the one who gave Arthur this lovely little gift, he automatically gets suspicious and he and Gaius dig into the books to find a solution to this problem. As they search for an answer to what the stone is, Gaius and Merlin talk.

**Hello, everyone, and welcome to the game show that's got everyone in a tizzy because of its awesomositude and awe-inspiring host, EMACHINESCAT! Guess what this game is called? Are you ready? It's WHAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN SAID!**

**Okay, here's how Merlin and Gaius's conversation _actually_ goes.**

GAIUS: Are you sure it wasn't a jewel?  
MERLIN: No, brighter than that.  
GAIUS: Do you think it was enchanted?  
MERLIN: Yes, there was magic there, I could feel it.  
GAIUS: Are you sure?  
MERLIN: *nods* And if it came from Morgana, it can only mean one thing. *dramatic pause for effect* Arthur's in danger.

**And this is how it _should_  have gone.**

GAIUS: Are you sure it wasn't a jewel?  
MERLIN: *glances at Gaius warily* Uh… no. I know what a jewel looks like Gaius.  
GAIUS: Do you think it was enchanted?  
MERLIN: Hum, I don't know, Gaius… what do  _you_ think? That Morgana was just feeling generous and decided to give him a little "good luck" present for the road?  
GAIUS: It's possible.  
MERLIN: *raises eyebrow*  
GAIUS: *indignantly* Hey, that's  _my_  line! *awkward silence* Are you  _sure_  it was enchanted?  
MERLIN: For the sake of all that is cheddar, Gaius! What are we playing, Twenty Questions? I thought  _you_ were the all-knowing elder on this show, not me! And  _yes_ , I'm sure it was enchanted. Not only am I an extremely powerful sorcerer –  _the_  Emrys – and I can sense stuff like magic being used, but it only makes sense. As stated previously, why would Morgana just randomly give Arthur a  _glowing_  bracelet?  
GAIUS: Okay, fine. *tense silence* Merlin, are you  _reeeally_  sure it's magic?  
MERLIN: *facepalm* … I'm not even going to answer that. *sighs* If the bracelet came from Morgana, it can only mean one thing.  
EMACHINESCAT: A snow day in Mexico? The apocalypse? Fried macaroni with a side of lima beans? An angel will finally get her wings? Drastic changes in the mating habits of octopi?  
MERLIN: *clenched teeth*  _No._  It  _means_  that… *dramatic pause for effect* … Arthur's in danger.  
EMACHINESCAT: DUN DUN DUUUUN!  
MERLIN: Do you mind?  
EMACHINESCAT: *pouts* Well  _excuse me_  for setting up the suspense. Besides, your answer is so predictable. I mean, what's next? You're going to say that watering your plants with gasoline make them die? Or that gummy bears decompose in water just like human corpses (which is true!)? Or that the square root of pi is apple?  _Thank you,_ Captain Obvious.  
MERLIN: You're welcome.  
EMACHINESCAT: Sarcasm is a foreign language to you, isn't it?

**AAAAAND there we have it, folks, how that totally redundant conversation SHOULD have gone! And why Gaius needs a girlfriend. *thinks about spoilers from episode 9* Or at least a girlfriend who _isn't_ on the run from Uther.**

To make a short story that I made long for my own amusement short again (uh…), Gaius and Merlin look for clues as to what kind of present Morgana gave Arthur because obviously it's nothing good. Why? Because Arthur's a prat and Morgana lives to smirk. Also, because the moon isn't actually made of cheese – which broke my heart when I learned the truth last week. *shifty eyes* Why are you guys looking at me funny?

We get a glimpse of Arthur riding through the woods and looking at his map and then we get back to Merlin, Gaius, and the library quest of doom.

Gaius goes on and on about how he can't figure out what it is or where to look, then he gets an idea. And it cracks me up that he is able to go to the exact book, to the right page, without any searching whatsoever. He doesn't even look at the index! He knows where precisely everything is in the library, which is a little weird. Or maybe he can telepathically communicate with the books. Yeah, I'll bet that's it.

Here, I think we need to explore Gaius's character a little more. Let's make a handy-dandy list of all that we know about our beloved physician:

\- He knows every book in Geoffrey's library by heart.

\- His favorite pastimes include making ominous remarks, scolding Merlin for using magic, telling Merlin to use magic, stating the obvious, and re-stating the obvious.

\- He likes plants.

\- He has a pet rock named Ferdinand the Fluffy.

\- He used to tap dance in his younger years but now his spleen can't take all the exercise so he just does interpretive dancing instead.

\- He may or may not be Merlin's great uncle.

\- He spends his weekends partying with Professors Sprout and Flitwick at the Three Broomsticks like nobody's business.

\- He has been known to pretend to be possessed by magical creatures of the goblin variety just so he can cause mischief and mayhem and slap Uther's bald head without getting in trouble for it.

So… what does all this information tell us about our favorite physician (besides Dr. Phil, who we love because he has a walrus moustache)? I think we can only come to one conclusion about our dear Gaius: That he desperately needs (A) a hobby that doesn't involve plants or redundant advice, (B)  **EP 10 SPOILER ALERT!** a girlfriend that doesn't spend her spare time chillin' with manticores, (C) a therapist, (D) a ninja squirrel, or (E) all of the above.

Moving on, because this really has nothing to do with the episode and because Arthur's a prat (I'm telling you, that is the answer to everything)…

Apparently, it's not a jewel or a stone and it IS magical. Wow. I'm SO shocked. Who would've thunk it? Oh wait… Merlin did, didn't he? *shakes head* Silly Gaius.

And guess what it is? It's the eye of the phoenix! And Merlin doesn't even know what a phoenix is, silly boy! Of course, when he asks Gaius, I'm positively itching to declare nerdishly, "Oh, oh, oh, me, pick me! I know! A phoenix is a mythical bird of fire. It lives five hundred years and then bursts into flames, and is born again from the ashes. They also have healing abilities and their tears can heal any wound or poison. Dumbledore has a freaking awesome phoenix named Fawkes and both Harry and Voldemort's wands contain one of his feathers. (One of Fawkes's feathers, that is, not Dumbledore's.) And Fawkes is so loyal to Dumbledore and anyone who is loyal to him as well…"

Yeah, and Merlin and Gaius would both look at me and be like, "What the crap are you talking about?"

Haha.

Well, apparently, according to Gaius, a phoenix's eye burns with a fire that steals the life force away from anyone that wears it.

Whoa. Hold the phone. Dumbledore never mentioned  _this!_  Maybe it's kind of like the whole unicorn curse thing that apparently is a running theme through both Harry Potter and Merlin (although slightly different curses), where if you take the eye of a phoenix and kill something so pure, the eye will be cursed. Sort of like how if you kill a unicorn you have to prove you are pure of heart to bring it back to life, or if you kill it and drink it's blood you'll be cursed forever.

That's just my theory, anyway. Maybe I should write my dissertation on the similarities and differences between the mythical creatures in Harry Potter and Merlin. Ha ha.

Oh and this has absolutely nothing to do with this at all, and nothing to do with Merlin, but my best friend said something the other day that NEEDS to be heard and quoted and repeated and celebrated! It was just fabulous! You ready? Here it is:

**"In the words of Severus Snape: 'No, vampires do _not_  sparkle. Ten points from Hufflepuff!'"**

*dies*

Okay, now back to the show!

When Merlin learns that if Arthur wears the bracelet for too long, he'll die, he decides to head out after the prince because Arthur just can't seem to keep out of trouble. Of course, with an evil lying she-witch of doom for a sister, who can blame him, really?

Gaius warns him that he cannot undertake the task alone and that he needs to bring along a travel-buddy. Yay travel-buddy! I wonder who it's going to be? Ooh, I hope it's someone awesome like Tigger or Bugs Bunny! I can see it now…

MERLIN: We're nearly there.  
TIGGER: That's great, buddy boy!  
MERLIN: My name's Merlin.  
TIGGER: And  _I'm_  Tigger! That's T-I-double Guh-er! Do you know what that spells?  
MERLIN: *bored tone* Tigger.  
TIGGER: Gasp! You're the most smarterificious person I know! And guess what? *singsong voice* _The wonderful thing about tiggers is tiggers are wonderful things, their tops are made of the rubber, their bottoms are made of the string, they're bouncy trouncy flouncy bouncy fun-fun-fun-fun-fun… and the most wonderful thing about tiggers is I'M the only one!  
_ MERLIN: That's… er, great.  
TIGGER: Now it's your turn! Take it away!  
MERLIN: No, really, it's fine. I don't sing.  
TIGGER: Aw, come on, buddy boy! Sing with me or I'll bounce ya!  
MERLIN: I'd really rather not!  
TIGGER: Or we could sing it in a round. Ready? I'll go first!  _The wonderful thing about tiggers…_  
MERLIN: I should've gone with the rabbit.

Hee hee…

So Morgana then "makes a likeness of the prince" and binds it to the magic Morgause taught her to make the eye of the phoenix suck out Arthur's life force. I'll be the slogan for the little box of magic dust and the "likeness" of Arthur (which looks nothing like him, by the way, more like a lollipop covered by a hankie) and the phoenix eye is:  _THE EYE OF THE PHOENIX DELUXE COMBO PACK – EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO KILL EVERYONE WHO LOVES YOU: "May the force NOT be with you."_

Geddit? Because it sucks the life force out of the person? And so the force will NOT be with them? Hahaha! Okay, I'm the only one who's laughing here… and, eh, what else is new?

So the crazy voodoo magic Morgana does makes the eye of the phoenix light up as Arthur goes to sleep in the dark woods that night… this can't be good, now can it?

I feel I should also point out that this is one of the first times that Morgana uses magic in a controlled way. Her eyes turn gold as she wills them to and she actually does it right. It's kind of cool but at the same time scary that she's starting to get a handle on her gift. She just set a little Arthur doll on fire… what's next? A box full of cute fluffy animals?

Morgana, you are one twisted lying she-witch.

The next scene makes me more angry than I can even begin to say.

Morgana is such a horrible person. I really hate her.

She snaps at Gwen. And I don't mean just a little nippy. She glares and growls, "I said  _get out_ ," when all Gwen was trying to do was be nice! I want to kick her in the shins and then steal all her lunch money and then put unspeakably gross and slimy, wriggling worms and grubs and anything else I can find in her pillow and under her sheets and then… and then…

I'll turn her into a flea. A harmless little flea. Then I'll put that flea in a box and put that box in another box and when it arrives…

I'LL ZAP IT WITH A LASER!

Ha, I bet you thought I was going to say "smash it with a hammer!" Hey, I don't ALWAYS have to steal quotes from awesome movies. I can be creative once in a while, too, right?

All that to say: Morgana is a *bleep*. She really needs to figure out what a terrible person she's become so that she can either (A) beg for forgiveness or (B) jump in a lake. Either one is fine with me, but at this point, what with trying to kill Arthur and treating Gwen like dirt, I'm leaning toward B. Just saying.

Alright, I'm going to move on before I get even more cranky at the thought of the she-witch.

We're back to Merlin again, and guess what? His travel buddy's not Tigger or Bugs Bunny, but someone even BETTER!

It's GWAINE! Gwaine! Hi, Gwaine! Hey, Gwaine, did you have fun at our awesome people party of doom? I know I did! My favorite part was when we played Mario on the Wii and I beat you and your pink dragon, Bubbles! Also, I liked it when you let me touch your hair because it's really pretty and shiny!

I love GWAINE! *squee!*

Let the awesomositude begin.

* * *

**Stats:**

**Burn Meter 5000:**  
Part 2: Arthur 0, Merlin 0  
This Episode so Far: Arthur 2, Merlin 1  
Total: Arthur 38, Merlin 40

 **Shirtless Arthur Scenes:**  
Part 2: 0  
This Episode so Far: 1  
Total: 5

 **Smirk-O-Meter**  
Part 2: 2  
This Episode so far: 4  
Total: 57


	22. The Eye of the Phoenix III

STOP – It's Gwaine time! Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah-nah, can't touch this!

So sorry, couldn't resist. Because…

GWAINE'S HERE!

Gwaine, hi, Gwaine! Hey Gwaine, I saved you a seat right next to me, come sit by me! You can bring Merlin, too, and he can sit on the other side! Arthur can join the magic circle of awesomosity, too, and I  _guess_  Lance can come, but he has to promise not to be emo, 'kay?

Seriously – my roommate and I have decided that in season 4, Lancelot's going to have emo bangs. There's nothing wrong with that, not really, except that Lancelot is a knight and he's supposed to be tough and all GRR but instead… he's kind of whiny and melodramatic. In the words of my brilliant roommate, Cat, as she rants about how much she can't stand Lancelot:

"I don't want Lancelot. He's too whiny. I mean, come on: *assumes mock Lancelot voice* 'Oh woe is me, I can't be a real knight so I'm going to go off and prove myself by falling into a pit of despair in which I fight off giant rats of doom and almost get myself and the woman I love killed. Horrifically.' Waa waa waa, blah, blah, blah."

That's an exact quote, too.

I love my roomie.

Anyway, I'm not sure how we got on that little aside there. I was talking about how awesome Gwaine is (because he *is*) and then I started complaining about how Lance whines too much. Hmm. Well, I can honestly say that Lancelot isn't in this episode at all, but Gwaine is, so I shall save all further Lancelot ranting for **SPOILER ALERT**  episode 13. I will say this, though – I don't totally hate Lancelot. I just wish he'd stop pining for Gwen and get on with his life. Also, it would be nice if he didn't cause Arthur's downfall because he broke his heart by smooching with his wife. And no, I can't see the future (or can I?), but I do know the legends. And Lancelot needs to find himself a girl that isn't already taken by the prince – hopefully soon to be king – of freaking Camelot! Sheesh!

*shifty eyes* What's this? Oh, I'm supposed to be waiting to rant about Lancelot until he actually shows up so he can defend himself against my accusations/words/name-calling? Right. Sorry about that.

On with the episode (because Gwaine's more fun to talk about anyway)! AND I don't have to rant about Gwaine – ever! Do you know why Gwaine is so perfectly amazing?

**_BECAUSE HE IS GWAINE. PERIOD._ **

I mentioned last chapter that Merlin finds Gwaine to take with him on his quest to save Arthur from the perilous perils of the perilously perilous Perilous Lands, right? Well, where, you might ask, does Merlin go searching for Gwaine?

Where else?

*raises Nerf sword in the air heroically* To the tavern! Hazzah!

Then again, what do you expect? It  _is_  Gwaine, after all.

Merlin walks into a tavern and some guy is being slid down the table. Dishes are flying, things are being thrown, people are yelling… and he looks down, and lo and behold, guess who we have here?

GWAINE!

Gwaine, guess what? I made you a button that has our pictures on it and it says "Best Friends" because that's what we are! And guess what else? I bought you a plushie of Charlie the Unicorn because I know you like him! And I painted a plastic spork in your likeness! It's quite possibly the most moving piece of art I've ever done. You should be honored.

So apparently the reason that these tavern-dwellers are using the table as a slip and slide for our dear Gwaine is because he owes them money. He probably borrowed money so that he could take me out to an awesome dinner at The Hog's Head. And because he owes them money. He probably borrowed money so that he could take me out to an awesome dinner at The Hog's Head. And YES, just like Gaius can go to Hogsmeade and party hardy, so can Gwaine. Why? (HINT: the answer should be fairly obvious by now.)

Because he's Gwaine!

So basically, Merlin and Gwaine have to run for their lives because Gwaine doesn't have the money to pay them back. Don't worry, they get away, though – no Mafia type blood debt to be paid today… although that's not a bad idea for an extremely AU fan-fiction. *locks idea away in mind for possible further/later use*

Laughing loudly, Gwaine and Merlin steal some horses and ride off into the forest.

O.O

Merlin and Gwaine are  _horse thieves?_

Oh! Oh! Oh! Maybe they are like those bandits in Western movies that I really don't like to watch!

GWAINE: *walks into a bar and pulls guns on the customers* Gimme all yer horses. And yer money. And yer whiskey.  
MERLIN: Howdy, y'all! We're her to steal yer livin's!  
CUSTOMERS: *burst out laughing*  
GWAINE: Merlin, from now on, let  _me_ do the talking.  
MERLIN: *sulks* Fine. I didn't want to be a cowboy anyway. I was hoping Emachinescat would let us star in a sci-fi scene.. I think I'd make a really cool Stormtrooper, don't you?"

Um… don't ask, please. I have NO idea where that conversation came from, but my policy with this story/review/rant/whatever-the-heck-this-is is write down whatever randomness comes to mind and don't look back. If you do, you'll start second guessing yourself and begin to question your sanity even more than you do now. It's just not worth all the emotional trauma, therapists, and acupuncturists, man – IT'S JUST NOT WORTH IT!

Oooh, guess what?

I learned what "glomp" means today! I'm so happy and I'm going to glomp everyone I see today, starting with you guys! *glomps* *grins*

Like I said – whatever random thoughts/conversations/ideas that come to mind. It's just the way I roll.

But I suppose I  _should_  get my random thoughts/conversations/ideas back onto the episode, though, otherwise, I could be writing this all night, and that just won't do (I've got lots and lots of other stories to catch up on as well. Can you believe that I haven't updated a fan-fiction in like  **3 days**? I'm having withdrawals, I think! Or maybe it's the hair dye I ate earlier. Do withdrawals make your skin turn purple?

Ahem.

Back to… whatever it is I'm supposed to be talking about.

Oh, right. Order of the… DARN IT! I seriously just started trying to type the title of the episode, and this is what came out.

Once again, folks – it's NOT the Order of the Phoenix. It's the  _Eye_  of the Phoenix! Gah, this is so confusing!

Personally, though, I'm kind of glad that this has nothing to do with the Order of the Phoenix – book or movie – because it would be pretty crummy for Umbridge to waltz into the scene.

Speaking of Dolores "Centaur Food" Umbridge, I have actually written a short scene that involves her, Arthur, and Merlin. It's for the sequel to my Harry/Merlin crossover, The Most Deadly Alliance. The sequel is going to be called The Most Hallowed Alliance. And I'm going to start posting it fairly soon! Yaysers!

Once again with the self-promotion. Sorry, y'all. I may just be a walking ad. Ha.

ANYWAY… The Eye of the Phoenix. I need to get back on track here. Terribly sorry for the random rabbit trails.

Where was I? Oh right, Gwaine and Merlin riding off into the woods.

We switch scenes, and Arthur, who is being drained of his life force as we watch – remember? "May the force _not_  be with you" – and he looks at a map. Then… he comes to a bridge that is being guarded by none other than…

Professor Flitwick!

PROFESSOR FLITWICK! Hey, guess what, I've finally figured out the "Wingardium Leviosa" spell! I swished and flicked, and I levitated Scabbers to the moon!

Just in case anyone is wondering – although if you know ANYTHING about Harry Potter, you should know about Flitwick or else you need to go back to Hogwarts and re-take charms! – he is the short, adorable little charms teacher at Hogwarts! But somewhere between the second and third movies, he changed from a little white-bearded guy – kind of like a dwarf or a midget Santa Clause – to a clean shaven, short brown haired guy that directs the frog choir at Hogwarts. Silly director that's not Chris Columbus.

But I'm not going to go on that rant. Suffice it to say that Professor Flitwick is the Charms teacher at Hogwarts. Hey, this is kind of like the time that Professor Sprout got ticked off because Morgause stole her mandrake roots, so she went undercover as a pixie nanny named Grunhilda so she could get the goods on Morgause and kick her butt... too bad Merlin blew her up though.

Oooh! Idea! What if Professor Flitwick came to Camelot area to find Professor Sprout? That sounds about right.

Flitwick must be undercover, too, because he's going by an alias – in this episode of Merlin, he is going as the Keeper of the Bridge, Grettir. But we'll still call him Flitwick, because that's who he is. No ifs, ands, or buts. That's just the way it is.

Flitwick wants to know who it is that wants to cross his bridge and Arthur says that he's a knight of Camelot. Flitwick just kind of grins and says, "Ah, then you must be courage."

I personally believe that he must be "stupid" in this case. I mean, I love my dad, but if he told me to go prove my worth for the billionth time by going ALONE into a perilous Perilous land to find a mystical trident of doom, I'd laugh and tell him he was all kinds of crazy. Then again, I'm not the prince of Camelot (thank heavens; who'd want  _Uther_  as their father? … although if it meant I got to hang out with Merlin… *dreamy grin* … er, anyway—)

Arthur looks a little confused at being told his name is Courage. I probably would be a little weirded out too, but mostly because Flitwick's in Camelot when he should be at Hogwarts teaching first-years how to levitate feathers!

Arthur's response is pretty funny, but mainly because of the bemused expression on his face. He says, "No, I'm prince Arthur of Camelot."

And then Flitwick says, "Yeah. And I'm the Queen of Sheba."

Just kidding. Flitwick's the Queen of Wisconsin, not Sheba.

Arthur and Flitwick shake hands and Arthur can't get this adorable grin off his face, which makes me smile – apparently he thinks that Flitwick/Grettir is pretty funny. I think so too, but because I'm half expecting him to pull out a wand and squeal, "All together now! Swish and flick!  _Wingardium Leviosa!_ "

Now I shall relay the wise words of wisdom that Professor Flitwick gives our dear prince that will be important for the rest of the episode. They also irritate me to no end – not the words, but the fact that Arthur STILL doesn't figure out Merlin's secret by the end of the episode when Flitwick's warning should make it OBVIOUS later on! *pouts*

FLITWICK: I have to say, you're not as short as I thought you'd be. ( **HINT: this isn't the advice, I just thought it was funny coming from a wee little man like Flitwick.** ) Before I let you pass, I'll give you a little advice. As Courage, there's two more things you'll need to complete your quest. Strength – and Magic.  
ARTHUR: I don't condone the use of magic. ( **Oh yeah, Mr. Smarty-Pants? Well I don't condone the use of YOUR FACE! Ha! What now, jerk? – sorry, you all know I love Arthur but he's being a bit of a prat here – a real daddy's boy and if Flitwick isn't going to go all Hogwarts professor on him and give him a good talking to, then by gosh, _I'll_  do it!**)  
FLITWICK: You'd be wise not to dismiss it so freely. ( **Okay, fine, so Flitwick does give him a mini-lecture about it. But I like my lecture better. Because it _is_ better. Cause  _I_  said it. 'Nuff said.**) The rules in the land that you are heading to are quite different to those of the world that you know.  
ARTHUR: Thank you for your help.

Here Flitwick kind of smirks but that's okay because he has a reason to – Arthur's being a real dwonk and he's going to end up getting himself killed if he continues to hang onto his father's prejudices. But I can't help but wonder if Arthur is saying this  _just_  because it's what he wants everyone to think since his father's still alive and kickin'… or not. Because Arthur  _has_  seen magic used for good.

Exhibit A: The orb that saved his life in the cave with the terrifying spiders of doom.

Exhibit B: The whirlwind in Ealdor that saved his and everyone else's lives.

Exhibit C: The unicorn was magic and it was pure and beautiful.

Exhibit D: When Merlin turned him into a blast-ended screwt. Oh wait… wrong fandom (I'm back on Harry Potter again, darn it) … but I would love to see it… just one episode, you know?

Surely Arthur doesn't REALLY think that magic is all bad, does he? I mean, what if he found out about Merlin? What would he do?

MERLIN: *saves Arthur's life using magic*  
ARTHUR: I don't condone the use of magic.  
MERLIN: Are you blind? I just used it to save your life, you ungrateful ninny!  
ARTHUR: I don't condone the use of magic.  
MERLIN: I just incinerated five evil wizards and a mountain troll, all who were about to kill you painfully.  
ARTHUR: I don't condone the use of magic.  
MERLIN: Gee, thanks – I'm so glad you're ungrateful for me saving your sorry hide. I promise I'll never do it again – magic or not!  
ARTHUR: I don't condone the use of magic.  
MERLIN: Okay, who keeps pushing the instant replay button?

But seriously… I'd like to think that Arthur's past this petty, blind hatred of magic by now. He's grown a lot during the course of the show and I definitely think he should be at a point where he realizes that it's not just black and white. So for once I just hope he's putting up a front and being a "daddy's boy" because if not, if this is really how he feels after these past three years when I thought he was growing up, well…

He's going to be on my not-so-good list, that's all I can say… and trust me, that's not a place you want to be. Just ask the last guy that was on that list… oh wait, you can't… because he disappeared off the face of the earth… Muahahaha!

And yeah, I bet you guys didn't know I could be deep as well as a dork, did you? Oh yeah… I'm DEEP.

Now. Flitwick sees the bracelet on Arthur's arm and apparently agrees with me and probably all the other viewers out there that Arthur is being a bit of an idiot. Your strength is waning, Arthur, starting right when the bracelet starts glowing – but of course he doesn't see the glowing bracelet of doom. Why?

Because Arthur's a prat.

Arthur crosses the bridge and of course Flitwick doesn't tell him that he's sporting a life-sucking bracelet. And why should he? It would make the quest way too easy and none of the Indiana Jones-esque stuff later on won't happen.

Now, we're going to leave Arthur to his little adventure for a bit and head back over to Merlin and Gwaine. As fun as it has been hanging out with Flitwick and Arthur, hanging out with Merlin and Gwaine just can't be beat. The only thing that would be better would be hanging out with Merlin, Gwaine, Arthur, and the Weasley twins. _BOTH_ of them.

Stupid J.K. Rowling.

Don't know what I'm talking about? Go read the end of book 7. I freaking  _dare_  you.

Back to Merlin and Gwaine.

Merlin is apparently curious about the same thing I am – why those guys wanted Gwaine to give them money. And I'm just going to point out right here that neither one of them seem disturbed at all by the fact that they are riding on stolen horses. Just sayin'.

MERLIN: Why were those men so angry? ( **Isn't it obvious, Merlin? They're angry because their hair isn't luscious and fluffy like Gwaine's. Heck, _I'm_  angry because  _my_  hair isn't as luscious and fluffy as Gwaine's.**)  
GWAINE: It's always the way in gambling. You make a man a fool, he calls you a thief. ( **Oh, so this _wasn't_ about Gwaine's hair? Huh. And here I thought that  _everything_  was about his hair. Go figure.**)  
MERLIN: *shakes head* ( **"Oh, Gwaine, you scalawag, you!"** )  
GWAINE: How'd you find me?" ( **He went on a quest to find an all-seeing oracle to ask it where you went, of course. Everyone in Merlin likes going on quests, haven't you noticed? Come on, _tell_  me you've noticed!**)  
MERLIN: It wasn't easy. I've been in almost every tavern in Angard. ( **By the way, I have no idea if "Angard" is what he said, but that's what it sounded like, okay? I'm writing this by ear, just so you know**.)  
GWAINE: So have I.

And then both Gwaine and Merlin burst out laughing. Have I mentioned that I  ** _love_**  these two? Because I do, I really, really do!

You know what I've just realized? We're overdue for some epic poetry of doom! Let's have a go at it, shall we?

 _The perilous lands are really creepy_  
The sky is orange and the trees are broken  
Arthur looks tired  
But wow, he's still smokin'!

 _Don't get me wrong,_  
I'm always Team Merlin  
But Arthur's cute too  
TEAM MERLIN FOR THE WIN!

 _He travels and travels through the perilous lands_  
The bracelet is glowing and of course he doesn't realize  
It's kind of annoying that Artie's so blind  
But what do you expect for a guy who doesn't use his eyes?

 _He walks_  
He walks  
He walks  
He walks

 _Back in Camelot, Morgana is smirking_  
Honestly, M, do you think this is working?  
If you have a plan, try to hold it in  
And yeah, I just changed rhyme scheme in the middle of the poem, and it's cool cause I'm full of WIN

 _She and Gwen talk some and Morgana tries to pretend_  
The she didn't mean to be mean, and I want to rip her limb from limb  
Come on, Morgana, don't you remember?  
Gwen was your friend and you treat her like kitty litter!

 _The good news is that I think Gwen knows something's not right_  
Maybe she'll start to suspect Morgana's plight  
That would be awesome, because Gwen needs to know  
That her supposed best friend needs to fall in a hole!

 _Alright – that's it for now, but I plan to write more_  
Hopefully tonight, before I start to snore  
But I have to stop writing for now and I don't want to leave you  
With nothing at all, that'd be really rude!

 _So I'll update the other stories that need to be written_  
And then I'll give you part four of this, and I'll give you a kitten  
Well, the last part's not true but I had to rhyme  
I'll see you with more, tonight, so farewell until next time!

*waves* See ya later!

* * *

**Stats:**

**Burn Meter 5000:**  
Part 3: Arthur 0, Merlin 0  
This Episode so Far: Arthur 2, Merlin 1  
Total: Arthur 38, Merlin 40

 **Shirtless Arthur Scenes:**  
Part 3: 0  
This Episode so Far: 1  
Total: 5

 **Smirk-O-Meter**  
Part 3: 1  
This Episode so far: 5  
Total: 58


	23. The Eye of the Phoenix IV

Gwen has definitely found herself on my Awesome List. Other things on my Awesome List?

1\. Merlin

2\. Bunny slippers

3\. Gwaine

4\. Squirrels

5\. Ramen Pizza (I'm not even remotely joking – get a frozen pizza, cook some ramen noodles, stick them on top, put it in the oven, take out of oven, and then eat… heavenly! My ex-roommate made us some and it was amazing! Ramen. Pizza. Did you write that down?)

6\. Anatideaphobia

7\. Mushrooms shaped like Gwaine's hair

8\. Pie

9\. Arthur (when he's not being a prat)

10\. Kitties

11\. "Tangled"

12\. Pie (I love it so much it's on there twice!)

Gwen makes number 13.

Yeah, I know – my Awesome List is supremely awesome. You don't have to tell me. (But please tell me anyway, I need anything I can get to stroke my ego.)

But  _why_  is Gwen on my Awesome List? Because she knows that Morgana has magic and is an evil lying she-witch of doom! Oh yeah! And that's no joke!

Apparently she suspects something is up after Morgana is so mean to her, so she sticks around and hides behind M's dressing screen and watches as Morgana takes out her little evil voodoo magic box and lights it on fire again – more life-sucking badness, coming right up, courtesy of She Witches, Ltd.

Eye of the Phoenix's (hey, I actually wrote it right the first time this time!) new slogan:  _We'll suck the life right out of you – we're like vampires, 'cept without all the sparkles._

I love making random digs at Twilight. Makes my day. You know what else makes my day? Pie. And Gwaine's hair. And Merlin in general. *blissful sigh* Where was I?

Right.

Gwen  _knows!_  She spied on Morgana and  _saw_  her do evil magic of doom!

YES!

Welcome to the club, Guinevere. See, I'm so proud of you for not being a blind, ignorant idiot like your beloved that I'm calling you by your first name. When Arthur finally finds out the truth, I'll call him by his full name too. Arthur Templeton Clyde Pendragon. No joke – it's canon. Go check the Merlin website character files and the Merlin Wiki. Go on. Do it. DO IT!

…

…

…

HA! Made ya look!

Meanwhile, while Gwen's being awesome and Morgana's being a jerk-face, Arthur's life is being sucked out of him by the glowing bracelet on his arm. Yeah, I'm being totally serious here – the bracelet is actually  _glowing_ because of Morgana's evil fire voodoo magic of voo-doom (get it? voodoo plus doom equals voo-doom! Wow, I _really_  love myself sometimes. I  _am_  awesome (and modest. Very modest.).)

So, anyway, back to Arthur. Poor guy is struggling like crazy. Of course, if he would just look down and see the magically glowing bracelet, he might actually get a clue. But probably not. He and Uther are so quick to believe that Morgana is a gift from heaven – not evil at all – that he'd probably just say something along the lines of, "Hey, look, the bracelet Morgana gave me is mysteriously and suddenly glowing with a bright, mystical fire as doom, and the glowing corresponds directly with my lack of energy and slow death … It's the sun's reflection on the stone, that's all – isn't that cool? Morgana gave me a reflective bracelet! She's so great! The only reason the sun rises in the morning is because she's in the world! I'm so lucky to have her give me pretty, suspicious artifacts that glow with the sun at the same time my life force is being sucked away!"

So Arthur stumbles around, running into trees and falling into mud holes. Poor guy.

You guys ever notice that we get WAY more Arthur whump in the show than Merlin whump? Not that I'm necessarily complaining (okay, so I am, but it's my rant, so I can complain if I so desire, can I not?), because it's better than no whump at all, but I have been sorely deprived of Merlin whump (in the show, that is, not in fanfiction. I honestly think that I might have overdosed on Merlin whump, what with writing so much of it and reading so many whumpilicious stories. Yes. I'm lookingat  _you_ , Kitty O - not that there's anything wrong with that.

Hopefully, though (and I'm almost done with my annual "I want Merlin whump" rant), that will change in the fourth season. I've recently read some things about the first two episodes. And that's all I'm going to say. But IF you want to know more, go check out Nephrehdil's new story, "Thick as Thieves" because not only does it give some awesome spoilers, but it also gives her amazing awesome speculative take on what these spoilers could mean…

Whoops, there I go again with the advertising. I swear, I don't even realize I'm doing it. At least this time I was advertising for someone else and not just me, I guess.

Back to the episode.

Merlin and Gwaine are approaching The Bridge. You know The Bridge I'm talking about, right? It's not The Bridge of Terabithia (although how cool would that be?) or The Bridge from the Emperor's New Groove (stellar movie, by the way, if you haven't seen it – SEE IT! NOOOW!). But it's The Bridge that Flitwick's guarding, remember?

Ooh, maybe Merlin will teach Flitwick some amazing charms of awesomeness, and then Flitwick will go back to the future to Hogwarts and impress Dumbledore with his amazing, Old Religion-esque charms and then get the job as Charms Professor and THAT'S how it happens! (I'm still not sure how a frog choir comes into play, though. Silly third movie director.)

Anyway, Gwaine makes some hand signals – apparently someone has been in Hand Signals to Confuse Poor Merlin 101 with Arthur.

Because believe it or not, I'm pretty sure I deciphered the hand signals right, and what Merlin did was NOT what Gwaine said. Here's what the signals meant: "I'm going to go scout ahead, you stay here and hide."

Either that or, "I'm going to go to bed, you go grab me a nightlight."

Whatever it is that G-Man the Epic says, be it, stay here or get me a nightlight, Merlin doesn't do. Instead he goes on to the bridge anyway.

And meets Flitwick! Yay!

FLITWICK: Who're you?  
MERLIN: I'm Merlin.  
FLITWICK: *in shock* Merlin's beard! You're  _the_  Merlin?  
MERLIN: I do  _not_  have a beard!  
FLITWICK: *sighs* Neither do I. I used to, long ago in Harry's first two years of Hogwarts. And then suddenly my white long hair turned short and brown and my beard disappeared and I was teaching toads how to harmonize instead of first years how to levitate their annoying older siblings.  
MERLIN: *eye twitches* Uh…  
FLITWICK: But you're  _the_  Merlin! So you can teach me some charms, right? Please? Pretty, pretty please? Pretty pretty pretty please with a chocolate frog on top?  
MERLIN: Can I keep the collector's card?  
FLITWICK: Deal.  
MERLIN: Okay! *grabs and eats chocolate frog and pockets "Albus Dumbledore" card* Alright, take out your wand, swish and flick, and say "Wingardium leviosa!"  
FLITWICK: Er… I already know that one, actually.  
MERLIN: SWISH AND FLICK, MAN, SWISH AND FLICK!  
FLITWICK: Yes, sir, swishing and flicking, sir.  
MERLIN: You are doing well, young grasshopper.  
FLITWICK: Is that a short joke?

* * *

**Stats:**

**Burn Meter 5000:**  
Part 4: Arthur 0, Merlin 0  
This Episode so Far: Arthur 2, Merlin 1  
Total: Arthur 38, Merlin 40

 **Shirtless Arthur Scenes:**  
Part 4: 0  
This Episode so Far: 1  
Total: 5

 **Smirk-O-Meter**  
Part 4: 1  
This Episode so far: 6  
Total: 59


	24. The Eye of the Phoenix V

Part five, people! This is officially the most parts I've ever done for an episode! … Don't exactly know  _why_  that needed an announcement, but it did.

If you recall, at the end of the last chapter, I gave you guys a little peek at what the conversation between Merlin and Professor Flitwick should have been like, but, alas, this is not the case. For one thing, there are  _no_  short jokes involved.  _None_. That's okay, although I think it would've been funny for Merlin to unintentionally make a short joke by calling Flitwick a grasshopper. Also, there were no charms performed. Well, there  _was_  one, but Flitwick didn't even use his wand! And it didn't levitate, it gave Gwaine flowers (more on that later, although the fact that Flitwick gave Gwaine flowers is a  _little_ disconcerting…).

No, this is how the conversation  _actually_  goes:

FLITWICK: So. Magic has arrived.  **(Translation: "OMG! You're _the_  Merlin of legend… you're  _him_ , the one that everyone at the school I teach in swears by! Oh, Merlin's beard, you look just like yourself, except without your beard!)  
**MERLIN: What?  **(Translation: "Uh… hate to burst your bubble, but _you_  don't have a beard, either, my friend. From what I remember from  _The Sorcerer's Stone_ , your beard was so lush and fluffy and white and long that it rivals the stereotypical beard that  _I_  supposedly have. What do you have to say about  _that_ , Mr. I Give Gwaine Flowers But Not Merlin!")  
**FLITWICK: There is nothing to be afraid of. Your presence is essential if Arthur is to succeed on his quest. **(Translation: "Come on, give me a break – it's not my fault movies are never like the books anymore! And as for Gwaine… well, anyone with hair like his simply deserves flowers. Am I right?")  
** MERLIN: How do you know about Arthur? Who are you?  **(Translation: "Whoa. Wait a sec. Who _are_  you anyway?"  
**FLITWICK: The keeper of the bridge. I only wish to see the Fisher King's lands restored and prosperity reign again. Until your mission is complete, this cannot happen.  **(Translation: "I am Professor Flitwick, professor of Charms class at Hogwarts. Swish and flick, all together now – put your wrists into it!")  
** MERLIN: It's not my mission, it's Arthur's.  **(Translation: "What if I don't want to 'swish and flick'? What if I want to 'flick and swish'? Huh? What about that?")  
** FLITWICK: If that's what you choose to believe.  **(Translation: "No – if you flick and swish, terrible, terrible things will happen! Badgers will lose their noses, everyone's left sock will mysteriously vanish into the time-space-continuum, chaos and darkness will rule the earth, and everyone will smell of rotten cheese! You CAN'T flick and swish! You just CAN'T! It's just not how things are done!")**

As you can see, I've given you handy-dandy translations so you can see what's  _really_ being said in this conversation. It's quite entertaining, is it not?

So then Gwaine arrives and Flitwick gets really happy and exclaims that "Strength has arrived; the trio is complete!"

I dunno, he seems almost  _too_  happy to see Gwaine. And then, when Gwaine pulls out his sword, Flitwick turns it into a beautiful bouquet of flowers. Now, as a twenty-year-old girl with excellent taste in guys (at least the ones that I'm probably never going to meet; most of my boyfriends have turned out to be complete losers, but we won't talk about that), I  _totally_  would do the same. But little  _Professor Flitwick_  giving Gwaine flowers? It's a  _tad_ on the weird side, if you know what I mean.

Gwaine crosses the bridge after being told that the flowers will turn back into his sword once he's far enough away that he can't stab Flitwick. As Merlin's crossing, Flitwick reminds Merlin that "nothing is as it seems." Which I interpreted as "everything is never as it seems." After which, the little radio in my head started blaring out  _Fireflies_  by Owl City…

Oh dear… and now the little TV inside my head is sending me images of a drunk Professor Flitwick standing on the teacher's table in the Great Hall, linking arms with Dumbledore and Lockhart, singing,  _"I'd like to *hic* make myself believe that *hic* planet earth turns *hic* slowly…"_ It's a very strange mental image but also quite amusing. Tell me which station your brain is set on and I'll try to send a satellite image of it directly to your mind… or you could just close your eyes and let your imagination take over… although sometimes… that can be a bit scary…

While Flitwick is jamming with Dumbledore and Lockhart to Owl City, Arthur is struggling for his life. At the moment, he's trying to drag himself out of a mud bath he's decided to take. Thankfully, he manages to pull himself out of the mud hole (and his skin just looks  _fabulous_ ; the mud facial  _really_  worked!). I do feel really sorry for Artie, here, though. Despite the fact that if he would just  _look_  at the pretty little bracelet Morgana gave him, he would see it glowing (I still don't see why Morgana couldn't have tried a subtler way of killing Arthur that didn't glow, but then again maybe she knew all along that Arthur's quite the oblivious prince), he's having a really rough time of it. After all his life is being sucked out of him…

At least Morgana didn't use a machine with a bunch of suction cups in the Pit of Despair to do so… although I'm sure that Count Rugen would have been thrilled at yet another subject to test The Machine on.

If you know what I was talking about there, you, too, shall be added to my Awesome List.

Okay, so have I mentioned that I  _love_  Gwaine? There's just no denying it – I adore that guy, and not just because he's pretty and has great hair and knows how to have a good time and isn't afraid to do what is right and likes to drink and doesn't let titles get in the way of what a person really is and is SO funny and… and… Wait, where was I? Oh right. I also love Gwaine because he's a wonderful friend. And not just a wonderful friend in general, but a magnificent friend to Merlin, who, while he has Arthur, Gwen, Gaius, and Lance,  _really_ needs someone like Gwaine. Why?

1\. The day that Arthur is truthful about how much he cares about Merlin (in a totally not-romantic but completely BROmantic way) is more than likely FAR in the future, if it happens at all. Or rather, the day that Arthur and Merlin are able to be  _friends_  without any limitations because of rank is more than likely far away. While Merlin and Artie can be friends but not admit it to anyone, least of all themselves, it's not the same as having a friend that you can be open with.

2\. Gwen and Merlin have a great friendship. Or at least they  _did_  in season one. Now that she and Arthur are all googley-eyed over each other, I fear that Merlin has become a bit of a third wheel in the Gwen/Arthur/Merlin friendship.

3\. Gaius is an old man and Merlin needs people his age to hang out with. Also, it would be nice if he didn't spend all his free time chilling with a guy who thinks that it's a great idea to keep poison out in the open where anyone can grab it and use to their own purposes. Just a thought.

4\. Lancelot's usually too preoccupied with his own little soap opera, "Days of Our Knights," to do much, although he does say some amazing words in episode 13 to Merlin, but we're not there yet so I shall continue to gripe about him.

Now, this is why I LOOOOVE Gwaine (along with all the reasons mentioned previously, of course:

UNKNOWN THING IN THE DISTANCE: Rawr! Rawr!  **(What? It means "I love you" in dinosaur. Also, it's the closest translation to what was actually said by this mysterious monster that I could find. Gimme a break, will ya?)  
** MERLIN: What was that?  **(That, Merlin, was the sound that Emachinescat makes when she doesn't want to get up in the morning. It's also the noise she makes when she's hungry. Or when she wants pie.)**  
GWAINE: Pheasant.  **(I resent that, Gwaine, I'm _not_  a bird! And if I  _was_ a bird, I'd be a phoenix so that I could cry tears of healing while simultaneously sucking the life force out of people with my eyes! Multi-tasking for the win!)  
**MERLIN: Pheasant?  **(See, Merlin's skeptical, too. I'm NOT a pheasant.)  
** GWAINE: A very big one.  **(Hey, now, Gwaine, is that a fat joke? That's just not fair! I'm fighting fit! GWAINE: But we've got to keep you that way. ME: I am NOT fat! GWAINE: Not yet. ARTHUR: Do you feel a strange sense of déjà vu? MERLIN: Um…)  
** MERLIN: You can turn back if you want.  **(And miss hanging out with you, Merls? Are you crazy?)  
** GWAINE: I'm not scared of pheasants.  
MERLIN: I don't know. … Why do you want to do this?  **(Because Arthur's a prat, of course. It's the answer to everything!)  
** GWAINE: Same reason as you. To help a friend.  **(AAAND because Arthur's a prat! Right? … Right?)  
** MERLIN: Arthur's lucky to have us.  
GWAINE: Not Arthur.  **(D'awww! Gwaine's doing all this for ME! How sweet, I'll even forgive him for calling me fat! Wait. You mean he's talking about Merlin? Right… AWK-ward…)  
** MERLIN: I'd do the same for you.  **(Once again – D'AWWW! The Merlin and Gwaine bromance is killing me here with its sweetness and sheer awesomosity! Seriously, Merlin _needs_ to hear from someone besides Lance and Gaius that he's important and that people care about and support him. He needs a FRIEND. Hear that, Arthur? Oh, what, you're going to ignore me? Uh-huh, real mature.)  
**GWAINE: Well, I hope so. You're the only friend I've got.  **(Hey, Gwaine, what's with all the meanness to me today? First you call me a pheasant, then you call me fat, and now you say I'm not your friend. Hurtful, Gwaine. Real hurtful. And yet somehow I love you anyway.)  
** MERLIN: I'm not surprised.  **(Me either, considering how he treats his lovely fan-fic writing friends! Aw, that was great, Merlin! Ha, can Merlin get a point for that? Pleeease? … No? But… but it was such a good jab! … I know he didn't say it to Arthur but… Okay, okay,** _fine_. Whatever. No point for Merlin. *grumbles*)

Meanwhile, Gwen continues to be on my Awesome List by telling Gaius about what she saw and that she thinks Morgana's an evil lying she-witch of doom. Well, not in those exact words (unfortunately) but you get the drift.

Once again, FINALLY someone besides Merlin and Gaius and The Existential Dragon know about Morgana's evilocity. And yes, if awesomeocity can be a word, so can  _evil_ ocity. Why?

Because I'm just awesome like that.

(Also because Arthur's a prat, but that goes without saying, since that's the answer to everything nowadays.)

* * *

**Stats:**

**Burn Meter 5000:**  
Part 5: Arthur 0, Merlin 0  
This Episode so Far: Arthur 2, Merlin 1  
Total: Arthur 38, Merlin 40

 **Shirtless Arthur Scenes:**  
Part 5: 0  
This Episode so Far: 1  
Total: 5

 **Smirk-O-Meter**  
Part 5: 0  
This Episode so far: 6  
Total: 59


	25. The Eye of the Phoenix VI

If there's one thing I know about Arthur Pendragon, it's that he is a trooper. Boy howdy, is he a trooper! I mean, the guy is having the life sucked out of him by a (glowing) magic bracelet, he's falling in mud holes and barely has the strength to move, but does he give up? No. Does he whine about how hard his life is? No. Does he realize the bracelet is glowing and decide something's not right and decide to chuck it then and there? Unfortunately… no.

Still, though, he's one tough cookie. He manages to pull himself out of the mud hole, staggers along even as his life force is being drained from him, and keeps moving through the Perilous Lands (which are, if you remember, quite perilous indeed – I know, who'd'a thunk it, right?) even though all the odds are against him.

Arthur is pretty awesome and the epic music playing the whole time really made the scene all the more powerful as us viewers get to witness his intense determination to prove himself (even though he already HAS!)… and like I said, the music is great! Hm. I wonder if Arthur knows that there's a whole orchestra following him around, playing dramatic music. I paused the episode and tried to find them in the background, but they're pretty sneaky. The tuba player's behind a tree, though. And the nose-flute guy is a great bearded midget that's crouching behind a rock. But the rest of the orchestra – nada. I bet that's why Arthur's made it so far – he's being constantly encouraged by the music following him!

But things are not going to be this easy (yeah, I know what you're thinking because I'm thinking it too – you call stumbling around with the life sucked out of you in the middle of a bog infested land EASY?)… because there are…

Pheasants!

Actually, if they really ARE pheasants, I'll eat my hat (which doesn't taste like cheese or chocolate so I wouldn't enjoy that very much – my hat is bean-flavored)! Apparently Gwaine wasn't actually talking about little birds OR me (sorry for getting so irritated at you, Gwainey-poo! I'll buy you a zebra named Clyde to make up for it, 'kay?)… but these giant, reptilian, wing-ed creatures (because doesn't putting emphasis on the  _ed_  in winged (wing- _ed_ ) make it sound so much cooler?) that are flying around guarding the Fisher King's palace. Funnily enough, this tower kind of reminds me of a haunted sky scraper. *enter Twilight Zone theme* I dunno… maybe it's just me.

Anyway, Arthur doesn't look too thrilled at the prospect of fighting these li'l dragon like beasties, especially in his current state. Let's hope that Strength and Magic get their rescue on, like, soon!

Oh, hey, look – here come Strength and Magic, getting their rescue on. How convenient.

They see those not-pheasants, which, when Merlin tries to figure out what they are, Gwaine says are "not birds" – real helpful, Gwaine.

ARTHUR: Gwaine, where's your sword? There are monsters coming and we need to fight them!  
GWAINE: It's not here.  
ARTHUR: I  _know_  that; where is it?  
GWAINE: It's not at home, either.  
ARTHUR: We don't have time for twenty questions right now! We're about to be slaughtered!  
GWAINE: By monsters that are not humans.  
ARTHUR: I know that, Gwaine!  
GWAINE: *thoughtfully* They're not birds, either, I don't believe.

Wow… Gwaine's so specific. It's like calling someone for help and then when they ask where you are saying, "In the world" or "Not on mars."

Anyway, Gwaine and Merlin realize that the not-birds are hunting something. Hmm… I wonder what they could be hunting? Could it be a kangaroo? Nah. Popcorn balls? Doubt it. A pink dragon named Bubbles? No, wait, that's Gwaine's job (and you ROCK if you know what I'm talking about… just sayin'). Maybe they're hunting for not-bird food. I've heard that a lot of things that aren't birds like to eat that.

But no… it's ARTHUR! Oh no! Arthur's going to be scooped up, chewed, digested, and then… well… we won't go into the whole other end of the story. Get it? "Other end"? Haha… I think I'm hilarous.

Gwaine and Merlin hurry to the rescue, and this time, Gwaine tells Merlin that these little dudes are called Wyverns. They're distant cousins of the dragon. Okay, that's a little better, Gwaine. Good, straight answer. Here's what we know about Wyverns now: they fly, they hunt Arthurs, they like to make scary screeching pheasant-y noises, they're distant cousins of the dragons, creatures of magic, and they are not – I repeat are NOT – birds. Are we clear on the last one? This is very important, you see.

Arthur, meanwhile, manages to get one good swipe on one of these Wyverns (if you want to know how to pronounce it, just think about what Aunt Petunia might say to Uncle Vernon if he suddenly decided that magic was cool and he wanted to be a wizard: "Why, Vern?") and staggers into the city of the Fisher king, shutting the gate behind him – but the Why Verns can still get to him if they fly over the wall to the citadel ghost-town… and since they're NOT birds (which can be a bit stupid; we have a cardinal at our house that flies into our window over and over and over again… even after it's done it many times in the span of five minutes), they'll probably figure this out soon. PLUS Arthur's bracelet is glowing again! This can't be good – something tells me Team Super-Cool is going to need to step in soon.

(Team Super-Cool is the name I have decided to give to the Merlin-Gwaine hero team of doom. I'm going to visit Julian Murphy and Johnny Capps and tell them to make it canon. Also, I'm going to demand they give us a juicy magic reveal in season 4… and pie… Because I'm out.)

Yeah, I was right – the Why Verns have figured it out – and start flaysing (flying and chasing combined, I just made it up!) Arthur through the abandoned city toward the tower, trying to make him lunch.

WYVERN: Alright, Arthur, I'm putting ham and tomato and cheese on your sandwich. I'm packing you a thermos full of milk and some freshly baked cookies shaped like pheasants. You'll get hungry out there training those knights, won't you!  
ARTHUR: Aw, thanks, Vern, for making me lunch! You're the greatest!  
GWAINE: Greatest isn't bad. Also, Vern's not a bird.

Oh, wait, the Why Verns aren't making lunch  _for_  Arthur, are they? They're making him  _into_  lunch! My bad.

WYVERN: Alright, Arthur, I'm putting you in this soup pot with some beans and lettuce and tomatoes and pickled eggs. I'm going to put an apple in your mouth and use your spleen to make spleen cookies shaped like pheasants. I get hungry out here chasing you, don't I?  
ARTHUR: No, Vern, you don't have to do this – I liked it better when you were making me a sammich! Ham and tomato and cheese, remember? Or even PB&J! I'll take that…  
GWAINE: Dogs aren't birds either. Neither are fish. But koalas are birds.  
WYVERN: *eats Arthur*  
MERLIN: Gwaine! What happened? Where's Arthur?  
GWAINE: Arthur's not here.  
MERLIN: But where  _is_  he?  
GWAINE: He isn't bird food, that's for sure.

There we go –  _that's_ what I meant. Hopefully that won't happen to Artie, though. We need him alive if he's going to be the Once and Future King…

Anyway, Gwaine and Merlin split up. Arthur is chased to a room and the Why Verns go to eat him… but Merlin shows up and using his awesome dragon lord powers of doom, he tells them off:

"WHAT are you doing? Get out of here! Seriously, did you even wipe your feet? Were you  _raised_  in a barn? Don't talk back to me, Vernie, you think you can just tromp around the place, eating people whenever you want? You ought to be ashamed of yourselves!"

The translation of Merlin's dragon-talk goes to my little sister. She thought it up as she was watching this scene and I laughed so hard I turned into a newt.

…

I got better!

And yes, that was a Monty Python reference…

Merlin takes the bracelet off of Arthur and the prince wakes up… the first thing he sees is Merlin's adorable smile! Seriously, if I opened my eyes to that, I'd die from the cuteness of it all. I love his smile… the way it just lights up his whole face, his head cocks slightly to the side, his eyebrows raised, his eyes shining, and the way his eyes crinkle up… *sighs*

I love Merlin.

But Arthur's reaction?

ARTHUR: What the hell are you doing here?  
MERLIN: Why can you never just say thanks?  **(Point. Merlin. Booyah.)  
** ARTHUR: Thanks? For what, for completely  _ruining_  the quest?  **(Arthur needs to take a chill pill. Seriously. Merlin just saved his backside. Again. Does he deserve a point for that? No. Because that wasn't a "burn" … that was just him being a jerk. There's a difference. Right? Right. All who oppose will be eaten by Vern. That is all.)  
** MERLIN: Well, it's a good job I was here; otherwise you'd be Wyvern fodder by now!  **(Point Merlin!)  
** ARTHUR: How many times do I have to get it through your thick skull? I'm supposed to be doing this  _alone._ **(Fine. Arthur gets a burn point. But I don't have to like it. *scoffs* Jerk.)**

Have I mentioned that Arthur's being a jerk? Because he is.

And then the Why Vern comes back and before it can start chomping, it's impaled by a sword – Gwaine's sword! Gwaine's here! Hi, Gwaine!

Of course, Arthur isn't too pleased with this. Then again, when  _is_  he pleased with anything?

He says, "Great. This just gets better and better. Are Gwen and Morgana here, too? Are we having a surprise party?" Point Arthur.

Wow…way to thank the people who saved your life there, Arthur.

And then he stalks off while Gwaine rolls his eyes. Merlin grins cheekily and says, "Do you want us to help? Or do you want to do this  _alone_?"

Point. Merlin.

Have I mentioned that I love this guy?

Because I do. I really, really do.

I also love cupcakes and monkeys and the letter M.

GWAINE: cupcakes and monkeys and Ms are reptiles, not birds.

*facepalm*

Thanks, Gwaine.

* * *

**Stats:**

**Burn Meter 5000:**  
Part 6: Arthur 2, Merlin 3  
This Episode so Far: Arthur 4, Merlin 4  
Total: Arthur 40, Merlin 42

 **Shirtless Arthur Scenes:**  
Part 6: 0  
This Episode so Far: 1  
Total: 5

 **Smirk-O-Meter**  
Part 6: 0  
This Episode so far: 6  
Total: 59


	26. The Eye of the Phoenix VII

When we left off last time, the Three Musketeers were finally reunited – YAY! Now Gwaine's here, and Merlin's here, and Arthur… well, Arthur's being a jerk right now, but he's here too. I think he needs to get a book entitled "How to Be Grateful to Your Friends When They Save You From Becoming Wyvern Fodder for Dummies". Either that or "How Not to Be a Prat When Merlin Saves Your Life AGAIN and AGAIN and AGAIN for the Biggest Dummy of them All". What do you think? Is the title too long? Too loud and busy?

Well I don't care what you think – who asked you, anyway?

Oh wait… that was me.

Whoops. Now  _I'm_  being a jerk. Oh noes, the prattiness is contagious!

Um… anyway.

This is where the episode goes all "Indiana Jones" on us. If Harrison Ford jumps out of nowhere and starts waving a crazy alien skull around, I wouldn't be surprised. I also wouldn't be surprised if Gwaine's response to that was, "That guy's not a bird either, Arthur."

So Merlin, Arthur, and Gwaine are out on a treasure hunt! At least, that's what Merlin and I think it is – Arthur's got a nifty, old looking map (I didn't get to look at it long enough to see if it had an 'X' on it, though), they're traipsing around in old, booby-trapped castles, and they're looking for something very valuable. Hm. Sounds like a treasure hunt to me.

Now, don't get me wrong – I'm not talking about a pirate treasure hunt, because that would involve a chest with the heart of a lovesick old Octopus-Man in it, a jar of dirt, two awesome men and one not-so-awesome guy duking it out in a three-way-swordfight on the beach, a  _very_  annoyed Kiera Knightly, and a guy with a crab for a head. If you got the reference, congratulations, you are human. If not, you have not LIVED yet! Just saying.

Anyway, the kind of treasure hunt I'm talking about is (as I've already talked about earlier) the Indiana Jones type treasure hunt – I know Dr. Jones is an archaeologist or something, but he goes looking for ancient treasures, doesn't he? Lost arcs, crystal skulls… this is the stuff of legend, right? Right. Arthur and Merlin and Gwaine (who I have now dubbed the Three Hunk-e-teers – get it? I replaced the "Musk" with "Hunk" because they are hot and pretty? Geddit? Meh.) are looking for an ancient trident. Or as I like to call it, a giant fork of doom.

Again, I ask, what does Uther want with this thing, anyway? Or should I say Arthur, since he's the one that "meditated" into himself to discover the quest.

UTHER: Ah, Arthur, fabulous, you've brought the trident!  
ARTHUR: You  _do_  realize it's a magical artifact, right, Father?  
UTHER: Nonsense.  
ARTHUR: But… it's the trident of the Fisher King. He was magical and so were his perilous lands and his Flitwick.  
UTHER: He has a Flitwick?  
ARTHUR: Yep. Guards the bridge and everything.  
UTHER: No fair!  _I_ want a Flitwick, too!  
ARTHUR: Ahem.  
UTHER: Sorry.  
ARTHUR: You were saying?  
UTHER: Right. I don't care that the trident is magical.  
ARTHUR: But you hate magic.  
UTHER: I hate a lot of things, Arthur – flowers, babies, butterflies, kisses, fluffy bunnies, love, kittens, rainbows, and everything else that makes life enjoyable! I also hate the "d-word".  
ARTHUR: Oh, you mean ducks.  
UTHER: Don't say their name! If you don't talk about them, they won't watch me! *shifty eyes* Anyway, my point is (wow, I'm digressing nearly as much as Emachinescat now, aren't I?) that at this particular moment in time, it does not matter to me that this fork is magical, because if I did, it would be detrimental to the plot.  
ARTHUR: Uh… okay. So, uh, what are we going to do with it?  
UTHER: *pulls out giant apple pie from nowhere* We're going to eat some giant PIE of doom! And then we're going to use it to mouth-feed the Great Dragon.  
ARTHUR: But he's  _definitely_ magic. And you hate him. And he ran away.  
UTHER: Details, shmetails. I've always wanted to feed a giant magical reptile with a giant magical fork of doom!  
ARTHUR: You have some strange dreams there, Pops.

I mean, what WOULD he want with it? Maybe to display it? "Hey look what Arthur found. It's a fork and it's big and shiny. Some old guy used it to eat his greens. Arthur got it to prove himself because it doesn't matter how many times he does so, I'm never just going to be proud of him and be a good parent and say, 'Great job, son, I knew you could do it!'"

Sorry. In case you couldn't tell, I'm still stewing a bit about Uther being a douche to Arthur about the whole "prove your worth" thing. Heck, I won't even get up from the dinner table to get my dad a fork from the silverware drawer! If he tells me to go risk my neck for what is essentially a monster fork, I'm telling  _him_  that he's lost his brain! Now, if he told me to go risk my neck for a monster spork, of COURSE I'd do it. Also for pie. But for a big fork?

You've  _got_  to be joking.

Again, I'm digressing. I apologize. I digress when I'm tired. And when I'm hungry. And when I'm missing my big toe. And when my big toe is missing me. And when wallabies howl at the moon. I wonder if wallabies  _can_ howl? Wait, what  _is_  a wallaby? Isn't it like some mini-kangaroo or something? It  _is_  a marsupial, right? Or maybe it's a monkey. Gwaine's informed me that a wallaby is  _not_  a bird, so that's good at least.

Whoops. There I go again. Back on track, tally ho!

The Three Hunkyteers are going up some stairs, looking for the fork. And the following conversation ensues:

MERLIN: Do you know where the trident is?  **(Um, I love you, Merlin, but Arthur told you earlier that no one even has an accurate map of the Perilous Lands. What makes you think that Arthur has the schematics for the Fisher King's Tower of Terror?)  
** ARTHUR: If I did, there wouldn't be a problem, would there?  **(Yes, there would be a problem, Arthur dearest. You'd still be a prat, and that, my friend, is a problem.)  
** MERLIN: Are there any clues you can give us?  **(Ooh, are we playing 'Nancy Drew' again? Yay!)  
** ARTHUR: This is a quest, Merlin, not a treasure hunt.  **(Quest, treasure hunt, what's the difference? Okay, Artirino, I'll compromise – it's a treasure quest – you're on a quest for treasure! Deal? No? Well, you've made my point at any rate: you, Arthur Pendragon, are a prat. Also, that was pretty clever and sarcastic so you can get a point for that.)  
** MERLIN: Well, it is sort of –  **(That's what I said, Merls. But no one listens to me, especially Arthur. Oh, oh, oh! I've found something else we have in common (other than clumsiness, sassiness, selective hearing, and awesome godlike magical powers of doom (yeah, that's me, alright! Hey, stop laughing! *whines* I'm in disguise!)) – Arthur never listens to me** _or_ Merlin! Yep. It's official. We're soul mates. Or twins separated at birth. I prefer the former, though, because it would be weird if he was my twin. Then I couldn't be in love with him. Well I could, but it would be really wrong and gross and 'twincest' – and yes, that word actually exists; I was horrified when I found that out! Anyway, digressing again! Whoopsie daisy!)  
ARTHUR: Merlin!

Arthur is so impatient sometimes. Of course, so is my cat when she wants out of my room and is scratching my door and meowing at me. Which she's doing now. So I'll be right back.

*putters off to let cat out of room*

Okay… where were we?

Um, the "not"-treasure hunt (psst – hint: it's a treasure hunt).

So they're going up the stairs, looking for the trident (because if I were the Fisher King, I'd keep my giant cutlery in the stairwell), when Merlin sees what looks like a throne room. He calls over Arthur and Gwaine, and Arthur decides that the trident is in there. I wouldn't keep my trident there, but only because I don't  _have_  a throne room. Unless you count the bathroom, which I'd rather not. Just saying. But then again, I don't have a trident, either (although I  _do_  have a really big spoon and a bowl with holes in the bottom, does that count?), so I guess it's all moot anyway. Heh. Moot. I love that word. Moot, moot, moot.

Moving on.

So Merlin starts to walk into the throne room but (Indiana Jones alert!) he steps on this booby-trap thing that makes the huge stone door thing fall down. Merlin's just kind of frozen and Gwaine has the presence of mind to think, "Hum, if Merlin stays put he's going to be squashed flatter than an opossum on a Tennessee backroad." (And YES, I can poke fun at Tennessee because I live there. Even though it annoys me when TV presents us as hicks. We're not hicks, I tell ya! We've just got culture! And road kill. But don't let that stop you. We've also got the second largest underground lake in the world AND Dollywood amusement park (which is a BLAST! Last time I went, I got on this HUGE coaster called the Thunderhead and sang "We're going to that great big roller coaster in the sky-y-y to join them… in a minute… we're gonna die, dum, dum, dum, we're gonna die!" all the way up the coaster! Hee, I love Bradley James! (And Colin Morgan, but you all know that already, don't you?) Um, anyway, digressing again, sorry… I've really got a bad case of digressitis tonight, don't I?)

All that to say that Gwaine realizes that Merlin's just about to be squished, so he pushes Merlin forward and into the throne room, separating him from Arthur. *facepalm* Of  _course_  they're going to be separated. Because otherwise, Arthur and (gasp! Heaven forbid)  _Gwaine_  would find out Merlin's secret.

(1) Why the heck hasn't Merlin told Gwaine yet? Does he really think he's going to turn him into Uther? Hee hee, that came out funny…

MERLIN: Gwaine, I have magic.  
GWAINE: I have no choice, I'm going to turn you into Uther.  
MERLIN: But-but… he'll kill me!  
GWAINE: Bippety-boppety-boo!  
MERLIN: *turns into Uther Pendragon*  
GWAINE: *dusts hands off* Well, my job here is done! *lopes away*  
MERLIN/UTHER (I'd call him Muther but that sounds like a shipping name and that's just disturbing beyond all reason!): Why am I suddenly terrified that a duck is going to see me in my underwear?

I guess that was wrong grammatically. It should have been "in to Uther, not into Uther". Of course, I could have just gone back and fixed my mistake when I realized I'd made it, but then the above conversation wouldn't have happened, and, well, that above conversation was a stroke of genius, if I do say so myself (and I do!).

Anyway, my point is that Merlin has no reason not to trust Gwaine. (I've got a few sub-points here as well, so stick with me. In case you can't tell, I REEEALLY want Merlin to tell Gwaine. REEEALLY badly.

a) Gwaine's your friend. (I'm talking to Merlin here. Gwaine's not any of you guys' friend. Not yours, not mine, not anyone's. Except Merlin's. Sorry, not trying to be mean, but that's the bitter truth of it all – and I quote: "You're the only friend I've got." And Gwaine was talking to Merlin there. So yeah, I'm addressing these 'sub-points' to Merlin here!) Gwaine told you earlier that he was going on this whole stupid treasure hunt – whoops, sorry, Arthur;  _quest_  (treasure hunt!) – because of YOU! Do you really think he's going to decide he hates you if he finds out that you have magic? Do you? Really? *narrows eyes in disbelief*

b) Even if Gwaine suddenly had a COMPLETE swap of character (which isn't entirely impossible *cough* Morgana! *cough* but still HIGHLY unlikely), he couldn't turn you in to (see, I spaced it out that time!) Uther, even if he wanted to. Why? Because he's BANISHED from Camelot. If he ever returns, he'll be killed. So I doubt he's going to go back there and get his head chopped off just so he can tattle on you and have you join him on the block.

c) He's GWAINE! Come on, Merlin, this guy is AWESOMESAUCE on AWESOMETOAST! What do you think his reaction is going to be?

MERLIN: Gwaine, I have magic.  
GWAINE: Ack! Sorcerer! Kill it!

Noooo… this is GWAINE we're talking about here, Merly-werly! This is the guy who brawls in bars for fun, flips his hair like it's a Pantene commercial, makes fun of Arthur, and is secretly a ninja (who loves to drink). This is the more likely outcome:

MERLIN: Gwaine, I have magic.  
GWAINE: Sweet. … Can you make ale appear out of thin air?

OR

Ultrageek's AMAZING story where Merlin tells Gwaine and Gwaine drives him mad with questions. I can't remember the title (because the story was so amazing, once I read it I forgot everything else) and I'm too lazy to go back and check, but if I could copy/paste the whole story here and now you would see that it is what could definitely happen! And now, if you haven't read it already, go read it. NOW! Yes, now I'm promoting OTHER people's fics now, too, not only my own. I really AM turning into a walking billboard, aren't I? That being said, Ultrageek has no idea I'm trying to hypnotize you all into reading her amazing story of doom. *crosses fingers and hopes that Ultrageek doesn't mind the extra publicity*

OR

MERLIN: Gwaine, I have magic.  
GWAINE: Merlin, I'm not a bird.

…

Okay.

Back to my two-point rant.

(2) Both Arthur and Gwaine SHOULD have figured it out by now (part of me still kind of believes that Gwaine DID figure it out and is waiting for Merlin to tell him when he's ready but somehow I doubt that since the show hates me and doesn't want to reveal Merlin's magic to anyone but emo-kid Lance and a bunch of magic people who are more than likely going to get blown up anyway).

Let's see, what was it that Flitwick said?

Oh yeah.

STRENGTH.

COURAGE.

MAGIC.

Hmmm…

STRENGTH – GWAINE

COURAGE – ARTHUR

MAGIC - ?

ARTHUR: So, Grettir told you that you're strength, right Gwaine?  
GWAINE: Yep. That he did. But I'm pretty sure his name was Flitwick, not Grettir.  
ARTHUR: And he said I'm courage.  
GWAINE: Yep. That he did. Hm. Maybe his name was Willow instead…  
ARTHUR: Hm… so if  _you're_  strength and  _I'm_  courage, then…  
MERLIN: *bites fingernails nervously*  
ARTHUR: Then… who's magic?  
GWAINE: That's a great question.  
ARTHUR: *scratches head* Wow, that really is a tough one, isn't it?  
GWAINE: It's got me stumped!  
MERLIN: Really, guys? REALLY?  
ARTHUR: What are you saying, Merlin? Do  _you_  know who this 'Magic' is?  
MERLIN: It's me, dunderhead! It only makes sense – if you're courage and Gwaine is strength, then I'm the only one left!  _I'm_ magic!  
ARTHUR: *laughs*  _You_ ,  _Mer_ lin? A sorcerer? Ha! As if! That's the funniest thing I've ever heard.  
GWAINE: Yep. Totally preposterous. 'Sides, if you did have magic, you would have told me already, because we're such great friends and you trust me with everything, right bestest buddy?  
MERLIN: *uncomfortably* Um…  
ARTHUR: *snaps fingers* I've got it!  
GWAINE: You do? Who is it? Who's magic?  
ARTHUR: It was the Wyvern!  
MERLIN: Wha..?  
GWAINE: You're so, right! Aw, Vern was just helping us along the whole time, wasn't he?  
ARTHUR: I love Vern. He even made me a sammich! Merlin, you're useless. Go do some demeaning chore and then let me throw things at you and not appreciate you for all you've done and sacrificed for me.  
MERLIN: B-but…

Wow, guys. REAL smart…

But, back to what I was talking about, even though Gwaine and Arthur get separated from Merlin, it's not entirely bad, even if it means there's no reveal. Because Arthur just about panics when Merlin's separated from him, pounding on the door and yelling his name. Maybe I'm exaggerating a little, but you can tell he's worried. And that makes me smile.

BROMANCE!

Ah, bromance, how do I love thee…  
Let me count the ways…

So Arthur and Gwaine are calling from Merlin and Merlin's calling for Arthur and Gwaine and both parties are apparently on hold, so they can't hear each other.

Merlin goes into the throne room and hears some eerie voice in his head that calls him Emrys. And it's  _not_ Mordred! It's…

FISHIE! (That's what I've decided the Fisher King's new nickname is.)

Now, I'm going to have to hurry this chapter up because I have to get to bed. So instead of going back and forth between scenes as they occur chronologically, I'm going to just tell you first what happens with Merlin and then what happens with Gwaine and Arthur. Deal? Deal. All who oppose will be sent to the Isle of Perpetual Tickling. And if ANYONE got that reference, you are just… my hero.

WHAT HAPPENS TO MERLIN:

So, Merlin meets the Fisher King who's really old. The guy talks about how Merlin is Emrys and Arthur is the Once and Future King. Merlin says that he's "heard these words before." I have too, Merlin, funnily enough. And I read them every day in fan-fic. And yet they never get old. Go figure.

Fishie tells Merlin that Albion's time of need is near and that he is the one that is going to save her (okay, so the destined peaceful kingdom is a girl kingdom; good to know!), but he'll need help. So, in true Merlin fashion, Fishie gives Merlin a bottle of water from the Lake of Avalon and tell him that "when all seems lost, it will guide the way" or something along those lines. Of course, he doesn't tell Merlin  _how_  and remains as cryptic as ever, but I'll bet that Merlin's so used to the dragon by now that he barely even notices.

Then Fishie says he wants something in return – the bracelet. He wants to die because he's been cursed to live as his lands decay for centuries. He's old, he's tired, and I'll bet his joints ache something terrible. This part gets me every time. What a choice Merlin has to make! Something that is akin to assisted suicide… or letting the man suffer for all eternity? I think he made the right choice, though – and technically, it's not assisted suicide because Fishie should have died long ago; it's way past his time.

So Merlin gets down on one knee (and I'm crying at this point) and puts the bracelet on Fishie who disappears into foggy smoke stuff. Merlin's got tears in his eyes and after Fishie "goes on" Merlin hears a disembodied voice whisper,  _Thank you…_

So powerful.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the door…

Arthur has figured out that if he pulls out a block of the wall and sticks his hand in, he should be able to trigger the door open. Not sure how he figured that out, but it sounds like something Indiana Jones would do, so I'm not going to question it. The problem? When he pulls out the small chunk of wall, BUGS come crawling out and this creepy music plays… BLECH! Yep, this is the Merlin re-make of Indiana Jones: Legend of the Crystal Skull.

But I'm not sure if the little bugs or the giant flesh-eating ants are the worst. They're both so gross and have a lot of legs and feelers and… *shudders*

Sorry, I think I just threw up in my mouth a bit.

Arthur looks disgusted when he sees the bugs and Gwaine, bless him, grins, pats him on the back, and says:

"Come on then, don't be such a princess. It is  _your_  quest, after all." GWAINE: 100 billion, ARTHUR: Zilch

I. Freaking. LOVE. Gwaine.

Period.

* * *

**Stats:**

**Burn Meter 5000:**  
Part 7: Arthur 1, Merlin 0  
This Episode so Far: Arthur 5, Merlin 4  
Total: Arthur 41, Merlin 42

 **Shirtless Arthur Scenes:**  
Part 7: 0  
This Episode so Far: 1  
Total: 5

 **Smirk-O-Meter**  
Part 7: 0  
This Episode so far: 6  
Total: 59


	27. The Eye of the Phoenix VIII

Well, there's not too much left of this episode at all, so this is probably going to be a short chapter. In all honesty, as much as I adored this episode (despite the whole Merlin not telling Gwaine thing I griped about last chapter), I'm seriously ready to move on to the next one (which will hopefully only have three to five parts, just saying).

So, anyway, when we left off, Fishie just kicked the bucket. D'aw, and Merlin looks so shocked and serious. Not to say that I wouldn't look that way either if I were in his position. He's just found the oldest guy known to man (except  _maybe_  Nicholas Flamel, but then again, Fishie was pretty durn old (and cursed) so who knows, really?), been told (for like the zillionth time, although I'm sure it just adds even MORE pressure onto his already burdened-down shoulders) that his destiny is to save Albion in her time of need by essentially continuing to save Arthur's ungrateful backside and risking his life daily for a kingdom that would see him dead in a heartbeat, given magic bottled-water of doom, and then asked to help the Fisher King finally move on. THEN he watched said old guy disappear into a gust of wind. He's seen a lot of stuffin the past few minutes.

Meanwhile, Arthur and Gwaine got to play more Indiana Jones. Yeah. We see who gets to have all the fun here. (Just kidding, if it was between getting told that the fate of the world rested on my shoulders and sticking my hand into a hole full of bugs, you'd better believe I'd take the pressure of the world because I sure as heck am NOT going to touch a bug. For heaven's sake, I just about fell down the stairs a few minutes ago trying to get away from a mosquito that got into the house!

Anyway, I'm digressing. I know, right. Surprise, surprise. Whoopdie-freaking-do, am I right?

Apparently Arthur's bug-hole idea worked, but only partially, since the door didn't open all the way – it rose just enough for him and Gwaine to roll through. Upon seeing Merlin, both Arthur and Gwaine look relieved, which _does_  make me happy since it shows that they (well, we already know that Gwaine considers Merlin a friend) really care about his wellbeing. Of course, Arthur cares about Merlin, but rarely does he show it.

As it is, his response to seeing Merlin alive and well on the other side of the door is fairly enthusiastic. He says, "Merlin!" and gives a little laugh and then pats Merlin on the back. Gwaine, on the other hand, pulls Merlin into a totally manly guy hug.

I love Gwaine.

Arthur sees the trident and says, "Ha! Look what I found!"

Can I say it? Please? Pretty pretty please?

Okay, here goes: Arthur, you're an idiot.

First of all,  _Merlin_  was technically the one who found it since he was in here first. Secondly (although you have no way of knowing this so I guess I can't begrudge you this), the trident isn't even the real prize. The water is. And Merlin's going to use it to save the day because Fishie told him so. So there.

Merlin and Gwaine kind of exchange another exasperated glance and follow Arthur out of the castle, letting him think that he's all that and a bag of chips for "finding" the treasure. Hm. Maybe they'll stop for lunch at a place that sells giant food on the way back so Arthur can check out his newest piece of cutlery. "…I'd like the seventy pound steak, please…"

Arthur, Gwaine, and Merlin ride off and then they get to the border of Camelot, which is apparently smack dab in the middle of a field of wheat. How on earth Gwaine knows the  _exact_  borderline between Camelot and wherever they were before is beyond me, but then again, he  _is_  Gwaine and Gwaine is awesome and can do anything (even invent underwater jet packs and breathe on the moon), so I'm not surprised.

Gwaine lets Arthur know that by Uther's decree, he can go no farther. And guess what? Arthur actually APOLOGIZES. Whoa.

Now if he'd just get around to doing that to Merlin after being such a jerk to him this whole episode…

Merlin says that maybe someday Gwaine can return and Gwaine's response is, "Yeah, when Camelot gets itself a half-decent king!" to which Arthur tells him to watch it because Uther's still his father (oh, that's good to know, Arthur; it would have been weird if you had gone on a quest and suddenly Darth Vader was your father instead), and Merlin tries and FAILS epically to smother his amusement.

Gwaine = Pure Amazingness

Just saying.

So everyone splits up after saying their goodbyes, and I miss Gwaine already! Gwaine, Gwaine, you can come hang out with me while you're waiting for Uther to die! We'll make s'mores in the microwave (cuz I'm not allowed to play with matches), and have a Wii tournament (but  _I_  get the pink dragon this time because pink's one of my favorite colors), and prank call Morgana. It'll be a blast!

So I'm going to just give you straight up the pure awesomeness of the conversation Merlin and Arthur have on the way back to Camelot. For some reason, it makes me think of Shrek and Donkey, with Merlin being Donkey. Maybe it's because of his enthusiasm, or the fact that he talked so fast I had to get my roommate to translate (she's great at understanding fast talking accented English!), or because he says, "I have to say, that was a good quest." That just SOUNDS like something Donkey would say. I dunno. Maybe I'm reading into this too much, but I've ALWAYS thought that, from the first time I watched the episode.

MERLIN: I've got to say, that was a good quest.  **(That it was, my friend, that it was. I liked the part where Gwaine and Arthur pieced together that YOU were Magic… oh wait…)**  Did you meet that man on the bridge?  **(Flitwick, Merlin, his name is Professor Flitwick and he teaches Charms 101 at Hogwarts.)**  Oh, and the Wyverns, they were  _really_ scary!  **(Why, oh why, Vern?)**  Oh, and then the door to the throne room – that was so close!  
ARTHUR: You do talk some nonsense sometimes Merlin. What would you even know about it, it's not like you were there.  **(Arthur's apparently got VERY selective memory. Or he's been Obliviated. Or he just thinks he's clever.)  
** MERLIN: Of course I was.  
ARTHUR: You were  _not_  there, you haven't seen me for days. You've been on a little trip to… pick herbs… or whatever it is you do in your spare time.  **(Yep, he thinks he's clever. Ha. That amuses me.)  
** MERLIN: Ah, of course. If your father was to find out you weren't alone…  **(UTHER: Arthur, HOW DARE YOU HAVE SOMEONE WITH YOU? The task was to be completed ALONE. If you couldn't do it alone, you're obviously not worthy to be the prince or my son, so you should have just stayed and died. Honestly… he saved your life… ALONE! Ha! … I mean… really, Uther? Really?)  
** ARTHUR: Yes, Merlin. So… just keep your mouth shut.  
MERLIN: Absolutely, sire. I'd do anything you say… for a price.  **(HA! Point. Merlin.)  
** ARTHUR: What kind of price?  **(Merlin, ask for a "get out of jail free' pass. You'll be needing it eventually, I'm sure, since it seems to be criteria for a main character to be thrown into jail every other episode… but no wishing for more wishes, okay? That's against the rules… Oh wait, that's genies, not princes… oh well, same concept, I'm sure.)**  
MERLIN: *thinks it over, really hopefully* A… day off?  **(Aw, Arthur, can't you see that you're just working the poor boy to death? Honestly… give him a day off.)  
** ARTHUR: Hm…I think you've had too many of those herbs you've been picking.  **(Arthur – Merlin saved your life (again). The least you can do is give him ONE day off. Jerk. Ah wall, point Arthur.)**

The rest of the episode goes by quickly. Morgana is seriously ticked when Arthur shows back up in Camelot alive, Uther declares Arthur worthy to be the prince (maybe HE'S who Arthur gets his occasional jerkish tendencies from), and Gaius and Merlin decide that it would be a good idea to hold onto the water from the Lake of Avalon. Smart move… because I have a feeling it's going to REEEALLY come in handy…

* * *

**Stats:**

**Burn Meter 5000:**  
Part 8: Arthur 1, Merlin 1  
This Episode so Far: Arthur 6, Merlin 5  
Total: Arthur 42, Merlin 43

 **Shirtless Arthur Scenes:**  
Part 8: 0  
This Episode so Far: 1  
Total: 5

 **Smirk-O-Meter**  
Part 8: 1  
This Episode so far: 7  
Total: 60


	28. Love in the Time of Dragons I

May I just start by saying that I think this is a very funny title for an episode of  _Merlin_ , or for any show, for that matter? It's not that I don't like the episode (because I do, very much) but the name just cracks me up. "Love in the Time of Dragons." Sounds like a soap opera.

PREVIOUSLY on LOVE IN THE TIME OF DRAGONS

GAIUS: Oh, woe is me! My girlfriend has turned evil and I think she's going to kill my friends!  
ALICE: Oh, woe is me! I'm being controlled by a beast that wants to kill Gaius's friends!  
MERLIN: Oh, woe is me! Gaius and I are become estranged because he cares more about his evil girlfriend than me!  
GWEN: Oh, woe is me! I'm not in this episode!  
ARTHUR: Oh, woe is me! I'm a jerk-face to my awesome servant, Merlin!  
UTHER: Oh, woe is me! I've been poisoned and my eyes are black!  
MORGANA: Oh, woe is me! I'm not in the episode, either!  _And_  I'm a terrible excuse for a human being!  
MANTICORE: Oh, woe is me! I get wasted by an old man and his totally handsome wizard sidekick!  
CELESTIA: Oh, woe is me! My husband left me for his fourth cousin five times removed and now she's pregnant but not with his baby and she kidnapped my son and my alien baby has a cold and… Oh, wait. Wrong soap. So sorry. *scurries back to Studio B, where "Hate in the Age of Hippos" is being filmed*  
ANNOUNCER: Oh, woe is me! I have to announce for this lousy show. You know what, I quit. Who wants tacos?  
GWAINE: Tacos aren't birds, but burritos are. Sometimes they're even called "bird-ritos".  
EMACHINESCAT: *facepalm*

So you see, I've just summed up the entire episode in one go. Wow, I'm good. Well, that's it for this episode!

.

.

.

.

.

JUST KIDDING!

Ha, you didn't really think that you were going to get away so easily, did you? No, that was just a little prelude to what's to come. Except I'm not sure where Celestia comes in. I think she decided to pop up when she found out I was going to make fun of soap operas. (I do that a lot.)

But seriously… hmm… Love in the Time of Dragons. Still a strange name. I mean, seriously…

Which of these three do not belong?

DAYS OF OUR LIVES

LOVE IN THE TIME OF DRAGONS

ALL MY CHILDREN

Dude, I'm stumped! I can't figure it out! They're all soap operas, aren't they?

GWAINE: No, the last one's a bird.  
EMACHINESCAT: Really, Gwaine?  _Really?_

I don't know. The title of this episode… just funny. That's about all I can say.

But enough about the title! We have more important things to discuss, don't we? Like the episode itself! Drumroll please?

*Gwaine plays the drums on Arthur's helmet (which is on his head) and Merlin applauds enthusiastically*

Thanks, Gwaine.

I really  _do_  love that man. And Merlin. And Arthur… well, ALL the future knights of the Round Table. And Merlin, even though he's not a knight. But I'm digressing again, aren't I? Darn.

Okay, so the episode begins with an older lady making her way into Camelot. We don't know it yet, but her name is Alice. Whoops. I just spoiled it for you, didn't I? Oh, well, I'm assuming that if you're reading this, you've already watched the episode… unless you haven't gotten the episodes where you live yet and have enough scruples not to watch it illegally online (*cough unlike me cough cough*) and you're watching this in _place_  of the episode. In which case, I'm very flattered, but please, go and find the third season. You really shouldn't trust me to give you the awesomeness, especially since I'm making fun of stuff most of the time. Not that I actually think people  _would_  read this story/review/thing in place of the series… But if you do, I'm just saying… although I'm not expecting anyone to…

Oh, great. Now I'm sounding like Gwen.

Anyway, the lady comes into Camelot and enters a house. Nothing weird about that, right? Just a regular old lady who may or may not be named Alice (see what I did there, I was mindful of spoilers, see?) going to Camelot and going into an inn or house thing. I'd like to say it's a house, but if she's just coming to Camelot, how would she have a house waiting for her? Unless they had pre-ordered homes back then, but somehow I doubt it because I'm not even sure if they have those today, and even if they  _do_  have those today, it sounds like something that would require a phone or Internet or something. Just… no, I'm not gonna say it. I'm going to go the rest of this chapter without saying 'just sayin'' – and that didn't count, because I was just – ha! Almost got me there, but I didn't say it! Ha!

Wow, I'm a bit pathetic.

But anyway, this isn't about me. This is about Maybe Alice. Maybe Alice goes into this room and she has this mysterious looking chest with her. Oooh, I wonder what's in it? Could it be treasure? A treasure  _map_  to another chest with treasure in it? A fried bologna sandwich on rye?

As it turns out, it's none of those – and she opens it using magic. Oh oh oh! She has magic! I totally… saw that coming. I mean, the qualifications for every new character on Merlin:

1) Is a future knight

OR

2) Is evil.

OR

3) Possesses magic.

OR

4)2 & 3 combined.

I've yet to see a 1, 2, 3 combo, but who knows. Maybe Percy's secretly an evil warrior magician that has a cattle ranch on the moon and spends his summer nights playing poker with his pet hamster, Gerry. Or maybe he's the son of Poseidon and he has to fight monsters and use his demi-god powers of doom. Actually, that's another Percy, who I love. To bits. Ahem. Anyway, darn it! That was another spoiler, wasn't it? But I'm going to assume that you guys've watched season 3. All of it.

Now, when Possibly-But-Not-Definitely Alice opens the box, guess what's inside?

(A) An adorable golden retriever named Marley.

(B) A one of a kind, collector's edition Arthur Pendonkey.

(C) A crazy, ugly, demented creature with a face uglier than Umbridge and some sort of weird scaly mane thing around its neck.

(D) Flitwick.

Yep, if you guessed C, you're right… although it would've been pretty awesome if it had been B… but even more epic if it was D. I mean, come  _on_  – he's  _Flitwick_ , am I right?

Yeah, this thing… is ugly. And when I say ugly, I don't mean ugly like a hairless Chihuahua or a baboon's butt (you know, the "it's so ugly it's cute" thing – by the way, that one only applies for the first one, the hairless Chihuahua, at least for me. If you think that baboon's buttocks are cute, that's your decision. But if that's the case, just know that I'm giving you a  _really_  shifty look right now.).

Um, all that was to say that this thing – as we will find out later, this  _manticore_ (which Microsoft Word claims doesn't exist) – is just icky. I hat looking at it, really. But it's not big, probably about the size of my Chihuahua, Chewy. But don't let that fool you – it's a nasty critter, filled with potent black venom that'll suck the life right out of you!

That was my attempted sales pitch. I thought it was rather wonderful. If you don't agree, I won't sell the manticore to you. Plain and simple.

Now we're heading to the throne room, where Uther is telling Gaius of some "disturbing" news, although how the news of a person on the brink of death after a horsing accident is bad, I'm not sure… Oh wait, here's why – Uther's freaking out because this person should be dead, and well, he's not. So you know what that means, don't you?

MERLIN: That Arthur's a prat?

GWAINE: That… Uther's  _not_  a bird?

ARTHUR: That I'm as blind as a bat?

UTHER: MAGIC!

*ding ding ding ding* We have a winner. Yes, Uther's angry because someone is alive because they've been revived by magic… but while we're on that train of logic, shouldn't he be mad that Arthur's alive? And Morgana? And  _him_  for that matter? If not for Merlin and his magic, Uther would have been dead… erm… by at least season 1, episode 6, "A Remedy to Cure All Ills," when Merlin directly used his magic to save the ungrateful king from that sleazy guy Edwin and his magical bugs of doom. Ick. I  _hate_  bugs. I saw one on (it was actually a spider) crawling on the kitchen floor once and I screamed, ran, and ordered my supremely annoyed stepdad to "Ack! Kill it!"

But enough about me… I swear, by the time I finish this story-thing, you're going to know more about me and my crazy moments than the episodes themselves. But at least I  _link_  me and my crazy moments to Merlin and the episodes of awesomeness the show contains. Erm…  _most_ of the time.

So basically, Uther wants Gaius to check it out because after this fatal-but-not-really horse accident, a local innkeeper was cured of a deathly illness. Uther wants Gaius to go all Hardy Boys and investigate. Well, not really, but still being a bit of a Hardy fangirl (although I have to admit, I all but  _deserted_  that fandom for  _Merlin_ in a heartbeat… I'm such a traitor, but I'll never, EVER turn my back on Merly-Werly. I promise. Hee hee… where was I again? Oh yeah. Hardys.) So basically, Gaius's mission is to find out how Tom, I think his name is, but I could be wrong… how Tom the Innkeeper got better and if it was *shifty eyes*  _magic_. Of course it was, and not just because it's all but impossible, but because the solution/motive/cause to/of just about everything in the show is magic.

In the words of Katie McGrath and Bradley James on the series 3, episode 1 audio commentary, and I quote: "[Merlin's] shiny chains? Magic. Morgause's eyeliner? Magic. Gwaine's hair? Magic."

I love those two.

Anyway, back to the topic. So Merlin and Gaius go on a little mystery-solving trip, and on the way to question the innkeeper, Merlin says something that just… made me… AHHH!

"Uther doesn't have a problem turning to magic if his family is hurt. [Gaius tells him to keep his voice down. Merlin does not keep his voice down.] He is  _such_  a hypocrite."

WHOO! Go Merlin! YES! That SO needed to be said ('cuz we've all only been thinking it from day one, am I right?). Dude, Merlin, you are AWESOME and I don't just tell anybody they're awesome.

*cheesy sitcom flashback noise and thought bubble as I reminisce to yesterday*

ME: "Hey, Mailman Joe! You're awesome!" … "Hey, Mom, you're awesome!" … "Hey, random stranger staring at me like I've lost my mind… you're awesome!" … "Hey, Chewy the Chihuahua, you're awesome!" … "Hi, door I just ran into. You're awesome."

Oookay, so maybe that wasn't the best example. But you know what I mean… right? What's that? You hardly _ever_ know what I mean? Wow… that stinks. Maybe I need someone who can translate from "Weirdlage" (Weird and Language combined, see what I did there!) to English so that you guys won't be confused. What do you say (or do you by chance happen to enjoy my semi-psychotic ramblings?

DRAT!

Sorry, just found out that I was WRONG about Tom. His name isn't Tom. It's Henrick. *pouts* … Hee hee, I think I was thinking about the Tom that works in the Leaky Cauldron, perhaps? *scratches head* I dunno, though… to get "Tom" from "Henrick" is a pretty surprising feat… but then again, it's me and I'm  _full_  of surprises.

So, here's the run down as Gaius and Merlin go all third degree on Henrick.

GAIUS: So… Henrick… if that's even your  _real_  name!  
HENRICK: *gulp*  
MERLIN: We hear that you've gotten better after being deathly ill… *shines torch right in his face* Care to explain?  
HENRICK: Ack! You're burning me nose 'airs with that light, sonny!  
GAIUS: Why do you have a really bad… French… Irish…? Whatever… accent?  
HENRICK: I know not, but I doth suspect that Emachinescat hath something(th) to do with thiseth.  
EMACHINESCAT: *giggle snort*  
GAIUS: Should have known. There goes our good cop/bad cop act.  
MERLIN: Darn.

Actually, all that really happens is that Gaius asks Henrick how he's doing. Henrick confesses that his wife went to a healer in the lower town out of desperation (which explains the magical ward in the doorway) and then shows him the cure – which looks suspiciously like sparkly pixie dust! Oh no… what if Grunhilda's back? What if Maybe-Alice is Grunhilda in disguise? What if  _Henrick_  is a pixie and has a hankering for older gentlem…. No. Not even gonna finish that thought. Sorry.

And then Gaius and Merlin go on their way, leaving Not-Tom (*pouts*) to do whatever he does during the day (I'm assuming he keeps inns or something of that nature, considering his title).

Later, Uther asks what the nature of the treatment was. Gaius's answer? Something to do with hogwart… and after that, I was gone. This is the SECOND TIME that "Hogwarts" has been referenced since the beginning of the third series. I knew it! It's a secret code for those Hogwarts professors who are missing their Charms and Herbology teachers, letting them know that it's all good… "Grunhilda" (AKA Sprout) and "Grettir" (AKA Flitwick) are just fine… if you don't count that Sprout has been turned to dust and Flitwick is now a mystical, flower-bearing bridge keeper of… not so much doom, but of… daisies! Yep, that's it! Mystical, flower-bearing bridge keeper of daisies! Ha!

Anyway, Uther's like, "Dude, that's not possible… you said that he was going to  _die,_ man."

And Gaius says, "Yo, U-Dawg, I ain't always on the down-low with the sickies, y'know what I'm sayin', dawg?"

And Uther goes, "Um… no. Not really bro. Care to clear it for me, dude?"

And Gaius is like, "Here's the dealio, my kingly brother. See, sometimes I ain't always right, ya dig? And then other people gots to fix everything, you know, yo?"

And Uther is all, "But… magic had to do this, it's just too gnarly for mundane means!"

And Gaius goes, "Your  _face_  is too gnarly."

And Uther blinks and is like, "You bet it is. So, you're  _sure_  there's no magical pixie dust of doom or magical shenanigans ( _and oh my gosh, I spelled shenanigans right on the first try! I SO deserve a cookie for that! Anyone want to share? No. *sticks out tongue* Fine._ ) going on?

And Gaius nods all cool-like and says, "It's all good, bro. It's all good."

Yeah, and don't ask me when Gaius went all gangster and Uther went all surfer dude. Because I just don't know, okay?

But that's basically what went down, only with a more… modern? weird? annoying? purple? … spin to it, yo.

Oh crap. Now  _I'm_  doing it!

All that to say, Uther doesn't believe Gaius at first when G-man (and that's not to say Gwaine, because, as you may recall, Gwaine's nickname is G-Man  _the Epic_  – Gaius is just G-man, ya dig?) tells him it's not magic, but eventually Gaius convinces him. Way to lie to the king, G!

Later on, as Gaius is carving up some sort of bird to eat… I'm not sure if it's a chicken or turkey… on second thought, maybe it's a ham, which I don't think is a bird, but I'll call in the expert "bird-spotter" to make sure. Hold on. *Calls loudly for Gwaine to get his gorgeous self over here*

GWAINE: Yeah, oh great Emachinescat whom I adore?  
ME: Is ham a bird?  
GWAINE: What a stupid question! Of  _course_  not, where would you even get the idea that I'd say it was in the first place? Honestly…  
ME: Uh…

Well, that didn't work. Let's just say Gaius has some meat he's carving and while he works, Merlin tells him that he's happy about how Gaius protected the innkeeper by saying it wasn't magic, and then Gaius goes all weird. He says that it  _wasn't_ magic and when Merlin brings up some good points (i.e., the totem/ward thing that was in the doorway, the shimmery fix for Henrick's illness), Gaius tells him that he must be tired because there was no magic. Then he walks away with the food without giving Merlin any. Wow. Touchy.

That night, Merlin wakes up as Gaius is leaving and follows him through the lower town to where this mysterious woman is staying – although how Gaius knows exactly where to find her, I'm not sure. Surely they wouldn't have kept her house empty in the twenty years she was gone. Yep, it's been twenty years. After Merlin sees Gaius reunited with Alice (yep, her name is Alice, alright!) and runs off back to sleep, Gaius and Alice go inside to talk. Alice says she's missed Gaius and Gaius says he's missed her. She says it's been twenty years and he tries to get her to leave Camelot because apparently she uses healing magic – she was the one who healed Henrick and  _that's_  why Gaius lied to the king. She says she wanted to see him again and then they hug and it's SO sweet. Honestly, Gaius needs a girlfriend that's not going to lick his face with a frog time every time she gets ticked off at him. And this is different, it's a real (and I would say innocent, but even though she does love Gaius, she does have ulterior motives), sweet, old people kind of love. Not the "Let's make our own perfume… together" type. Yuck. Professor Sprout, that was  _not_  one of your finest moments.

After Gaius heads home, the ugly manticore thing pops up and tells Alice she's done well. Alice doesn't look too pleased at using Gaius for their plan but the manticore uses some sort of dark magic to turn her eyes black, which apparently forces her to do its will. Ah… interesting. So, things to know about manticores:

1) They're ugly.

2) They are control-freaks.

3) They're ugly.

4) They're little but feisty (and by feisty I mean brutal).

5) They're ugly.

That's a pretty good list so far. Oh, wait, did I mention that manticores are ugly? 'Cuz they are.

While Alice in Eviland is plotting with her pet psycho, Gaius is looking through a chest of old memoirs, reading old love letters given to him a long time ago by Alice. Hum, who's getting the wrong end of the stick here? I think it be… Merlin.

Ha, you thought I was going to say Gaius, but just wait. Merlin's the one who really gets crapped on this episode, although by the end I was feeling sorry for Gaius and Alice as well…

Anyway.

The next morning, this conversation occurs between Gaius and Merlin:

MERLIN: Did you… go out last night?  **(You bet he did, Merlin! He had a grand ole time partying with his sneaky ex-girlfriend!)  
** GAIUS: Yes. I had to get some herbs.  **(In the middle of the night? Right, Gaius…)  
** MERLIN: Herbs.  **(Apparently I'm not the only one who is skeptical of Gaius's outright lie, eh? Sweet.)  
** GAIUS: Um… a new supply.  **(Liar, liar… robe on fire! What? As far as I know, Gaius doesn't wear pants, just that long robe, and even if there is a chance that he wears pants under the robe, I'm certainly not going to look under it to find out! Gaius, because you know who you are and I know you know that I'm talking to you and I know you'll read this and I know you know I know you'll read this – can you tell me? Do you wear pants?)  
** MERLIN: Right… Do your supplies normally kiss you?  **(Ha, ha, love it Merls, no beating around the bush, eh? Heh, heh…)  
** GAIUS:  **(mouth drops open)**  You followed me! How dare you?  **(And again, I say, touch-y!)  
** MERLIN: Gaius, it was the middle of the night! I was worried about you; I thought you might be in some sort of trouble.  **(Nah, he was just curious, weren't you, Merlin? Hee hee… he has a bad habit of following people around… obviously, he's gotten better at it since season 3, episode 1 since he didn't get caught and chained up in nest of Serkets this time… not that I think Gaius would actually _do_  that to him, but still… he'd probably make Merlin clean his leech tank or something. I dunno… I think I'd take the Serkets.)  
**GAIUS: There's nothing wrong.  **(Of course not, Gaius, you're walkin' on sunshine right about now, aren't you?)**  
MERLIN: *takes a step, looking at his shoes and says in an adorable, sing-song voice* What's her name?

D'aww, too adorable! I love sheepish!Merlin. By the way, what the heck is with the ! in between words that describe characters? Like limp!Merlin and whumped!Merlin and protective!Arthur and sheepish!Merlin and devilishly handsome!Gwaine and nose picking!Uther (what? You know he does it!)? I do it all the time but I don't really get it all the same. Kind of like how I did my science homework last semester without actually "getting" it. Get it? Got it? Good.

We find out from Gaius that he and Alice used to be engaged. They studied magic together and she was a natural at healing and magic in general. Then the Great Purge came along (otherwise known as "Uther Goes Mad With Grief and Guilt and Declares War on Magic") and Uther made a list of those that were to be executed for magic. Alice's name was on the list and Gaius marked it off, giving her just enough time to get out of Camelot, while he stayed behind.

Aw, what a sweet/sad love story.

Sometime after this, Gaius and Alice spend some time together, holding hands and reminiscing about old times. It's really sweet, but bitterly so because we know by now that Alice and Mr. Ugly have something planned… something that Gaius is going to be put in the middle of and that'll cause Merlin to get the short end of the stick… again.

Speaking of Merlin, we  _finally_  get our first real Arthur and Merlin interaction of the episode. Wow, what a relief! Don't get me wrong, sappy old people love is sweet and all, but I much prefer bromance to oldmance. Hee hee, see what I did there? Ah… so you see what I did there and that's why you're  _not_  laughing. Fine. I see how it is. (Not even a giggle? Darn.)

They're on the training field and Merlin is holding this hoop over his head while Arthur runs at it with a lance and Merlin looks scared silly to say the least. I would be too, if my best friend was running at me with a pointy stick. Which I wouldn't put past her. Really, I wouldn't.

Next, Merlin's holding a shield while Arthur continuously whacks it with a mace. I'm not sure how this helps Arthur fight better, because normally his opponents aren't cowering behind the shield. Not to say that there's anything wrong with that, Merlin, because I'd be doing the same.

ARTHUR: *whacks the shield over and over again* Come on, Merlin! Put your back into it!  
MERLIN: *pokes his head out from behind the shield and tries to explain but is cut off as Arthur swings the mace again* Sorry, sire, I'm just a bit— *ducks back behind the shield and continues to cower*  
ARTHUR: Pathetic?  **(Yep, that would be a point for Arthur. Darn. He's catching up – it's tied! What was that? Biased, you say? Me? You're kidding… you aren't kidding, are you? Hm. Thought not. Ah well, I may be biased but I'm not letting it affect the score, see. Point Arthur!)** You're pretending to be a battle hardened warrior, not a… daffodil!  **(Another point for Arthur… who takes the lead! Yikes, Merlin, get your snarky butt in gear!)  
** MERLIN: Sorry, sire, I'm just a bit tired is all!  
ARTHUR: Fair enough.  **(Merlin looks like… what the heck?)**  *Arthur holds up a giant hammer-thing of doom* Maybe  _this_  will perk you up.  **(Arthur, stop getting points!)**  
MERLIN: O.O

When Merlin gets back to his and Gaius's chambers, he meets Alice, who, as Gaius tells Merlin, is not only going to be staying with them for a while, but is also taking Merlin's room. Great. Merlin gets to sleep on the floor with a snoring Gaius. I can sympathize, because while I've never slept in the same room as Gaius, I have shared a hotel room with my grandmother, not to mention my mom's best friend. And lord knows I love them both to bits, but wow… it's like a log sawing competition… in HQ.

That night, Merlin wakes up to Alice talking and investigates, peeking through one of the cracks in his door to see that she's talking (i.e., plotting) with the manticore. The next day, when he tries to tell Gaius about it, however, G-man, who is blindly in love, refuses to believe it and basically blows Merlin off. Not fair, right? Just wait. This isn't the last time.

Merlin decides to prove to Gaius that he's right, so he gets the box that the manticore was in and opens it, but the creature isn't there and Gaius gets really angry. He's like, "You're crazy! What Alice keeps in her mysterious, magical box hidden underneath the bed like it's something she doesn't want me to see is her business!" *sigh*

Since Gaius is love struck and not about to help Merlin prove Alice's guilt, Merlin goes to the library and ends up enlisting the help of Geoffrey to find out more about the creature – and learns that it's a creature of nightmares that Geoffrey doesn't believe exists.

While this is going on, Gaius and Alice go about preparing Uther's shoulder meds and we finally figure out what Alice's plan is – she's got a vial of the manticore's venom and plans on spiking Uther's painkillers with it. Yet another person that wants Uther to kick the bucket. Gaius says some pretty harsh comments about how he wishes Merlin had her skills and then Alice is in the process of slipping the poison into Uther's medicine (because you know the old saying, "A spoonful of venom helps the medicine go down… along with your life, sucka!" … or is it "A poison a day keeps the doctor away… and brings the gravedigger in!") when Merlin comes in and she drops the vials, spilling medicine – and poison – everywhere. When Gaius volunteers Merlin to clean it up, Alice is like, "Nope, it's cool, I got this, no evil magical venom in here, hey where'd this extra vial come from? Weird, huh?"

What I think should happen is this:

MANTICORE: So… how did it go?  
ALICE: Well… the king's not… himself anymore.  
MANTICORE: So he's dead? The venom worked?  
ALICE: Not… exactly. When I spilled the potion, I got the vials mixed up and, well…  
MANTICORE: You fool! What happened?  
ALICE: Erm… *whispers what happened in the manticore's ear*  
MANTICORE: *listens, then recoils, shocked and angered* A LLAMA? He's supposed to be DEAD!  
ALICE: Yeah. Weird.

Muahaha, I'm brilliant, brilliant, brilliant, I tell you! Genius, I say!

Hee hee… Love that movie. And I'd love to see Uther llama-fied.

Just sayin'.

The next part is TOO hilariously adorable! Merlin decides to go do some night-studying in the library to try and find a way to kill the thing (apparently  _someone's_  spent too much time hanging out with Hermione Granger. Next thing we know, Merlin will be recruiting Arthur into S.P.E.W.)

MERLIN: Join S.P.E.W.  
ARTHUR: What's  _spew?_  
MERLIN: It's protesting the outrageous treatment of house elves.  
ARTHUR: House  _what_?  
MERLIN: They're like servants… except short… and bug eyed… emotional… and they don't wear clothes.  
ARTHUR: Hm. I'm gonna say no.  
HERMIONE: You're going to SIGN the petition or I'll throat-punch you!  
ARTHUR: Yes, ma'am.  
HERMIONE: My work here is done. Study session in the library later?  
MERLIN: You betcha! And then we can nag our best friends until we're blue in the face!  
HERMIONE: Yay!

Erm… Moving on… because  _that_ wasn't completely off topic.

Where was I?

Oh right, hilarious and adorable. Merlin.

He goes into the library late and Geoffrey of Monmouth (How COOL is it that he's the librarian? I mean,  _the_ Geoffrey of  _the_  Monmouth! Sweetness!) is sleeping with his head on his desk. Yes, siree, that's a real librarian, there. Merlin sneaks to go read some books (what he wouldn't give for an Invisibility Cloak, I'd wager) about How to Kill a Manticore When Your Guardian Just Thinks You're Jealous of His New Girlfriend for Dummies. And to clarify, the Girlfriend isn't for dummies, but the book is. So anyway, back to the adorableness that is Merlin, he trips over something in true Merlin fashion and wakes up Geoffrey, who is like, "Who's there?"

And Merlin, in true Merlin fashion, doesn't just hide or wait until Geoffrey gets bored and falls back asleep, but uses his magic to make the supplies on Geoffrey's desk float around him and says, "No one… you're dreaming… now go back to sleep…" And the way he says it is just HILARIOUS! Geoffrey looks all happy and just conks out again. This is amazing.

The next day, when Merlin tries to tell Gaius what he learned about the manticore, how they have to summon it and then kill it by destroying the portal (the box) because it can't exist in our world for long without it (kind of like how I can exist long in our world without chocolate), Gaius says, "I can see perfectly well, Merlin, and what I can see is that you cannot bear for me to be happy. I cannot begin to guess why that should be, but it saddens me… more than I can say."

Ouch. Right, Gaius, and how do you think Merlin feels about what you just said when he's trying to warn you about your girl's dark motives? From the look on Merlin's face, he's crushed. Poor Merlin.

When Gaius returns to his room, Alice tells him that Merlin's just being hostile because he's jealous. No, Alice. He's  _not_  jealous. He's also  _not_  smitten with you (which is good because  _that_  would be weird) and he sees through your façade. So don't try to hide it! And then Alice gets Gaius to relax while she goes about making Uther's new medicine, all set to poison it again. Woo-hoo!

We're back at the training field with Arthur and Merlin. It's a warm, sunny day in Camelot, and the field is full of fans… well, not fans, but full of… Merlin and Arthur, at the very least. Today's games will consist of spear-throwing – with moving targets. Merlin runs, Arthur throws, the spear hits the target… on Merlin's back! And the crowd goes wild! And what's this? An after-game conversation with the players themselves has been leaked to this commentator's box! Let's have a hear-listen (like look-see, geddit?), shall we?

… After these messages! :)

* * *

**Stats:**

**Burn Meter 5000:**  
Part 1: Arthur 3, Merlin 0  
This Episode so Far: Arthur 3, Merlin 0  
Total: Arthur 45, Merlin 43

 **Shirtless Arthur Scenes:**  
Part 1: 0  
This Episode so Far: 0  
Total: 5

 **Smirk-O-Meter**  
Part 1: 0  
This Episode so Far: 0  
Total: 60


	29. Love in the Time of Dragons II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll add chapters after this as they're written, as this is an in-progress story. Thanks!
> 
> Hope you're enjoying! :)

Aaaand… we're back to the show. Hm. Is it just me, or was that a  _really_ long commercial break? *winces at all the glares, curses, and general head-shaking* Okay, okay, so it wasn't just me. Sorry!

But never fear, we're back, and with your behind-the-scenes, leaked conversation between the two young men we saw out on the field earlier today. Let's have a listen, yes? The tension, the drama? Ooh, the excitement is just titillating, isn't it? Hm, titillating, what a fun word, eh? You know what else is a fun word? Defenestrate. Kerfuffle. Crapulent. Squeegie. But, uh, that's totally off-subject, so back to the game!

ARTHUR: You're meant to  _bob_ , Merlin. Weave.  **(Oooh, so this _isn't_  training, but basket weaving class! Exciting!)** You might as well be a barn door.  **(Um, I don't even know how to respond to that statement. A barn door, really? I just want to know _why_  Arthur would be wanting to throw things at a barn door in the first place. I know the whole metaphor is saying that if he doesn't bob, he's basically just an easy target, but  _why_  a barn door? You know? No? Okay, then…)  
**MERLIN:  **(Is helped to his feet by Arthur and avoids said dollop head's eyes.)**  Yes, sire.  **(Hold the phone. Seriously? Averted eyes AND "Sire"? Something's seriously wrong with the Merlin we know and love. I mean normally his response would be something along the lines of "Better to be a barn door than a dollop headed prat-pole" – that was a combination of three of Merlin's favorite Arthur insults, dollop head, prat, and clot pole. I made it up myself – isn't it grand? Anyway, Arthur obviously figures out something is off with Merlin by his less than sarcastic response and the pure awesomeositude begins!)  
** ARTHUR: For goodness' sake, what is your problem?  **(Well, I nearly fell out the back of a school bus today, was nearly trampled by a herd of six year old Justin Bieber fans (don't ask), and found an earthworm in my coffee, plus, my feet hurt and my toes are cold and I still don't have more coffee! Oh, wait… you weren't asking me, were you, Arthur? You were talking to Merlin. I _totally_ knew that!)  
**MERLIN: Nothing.  **(Liar, liar, hot guy on fire! What? Merlin's adorable, so it fits… right? *grumbles at lack of response* I guess this is what I get for being gone from this story so long, eh?)  
** ARTHUR: Right. Well, either you tell me, or we go back to the lance and hoops.  **(Merlin doesn't look too thrilled with the prospect of being charged by Arthur on a horse with a pointy lance, not that I blame him, so he gives in and talks. Hey, Merlin, it's all good – you and Arthur are really best friends, remember, even if you are too stubborn to admit it – plus, we viewers only like one thing better than Merlin whump – and that's Merlin and Arthur hurt/comfort scenes, or BROMANCE! So get with the program, buddy, and let Arthur help his buddy, 'kay-kay? 'Kay.)  
** MERLIN: Gaius and me, we had a bit of a falling out.  **(Can I just say - wouldn't it be "Gaius and I"? Sorry, sorry, I shouldn't be trying to correct Merlin's grammar, even if it _is_  wrong according to my handy dandy ninth grade grammar workbook that I may or may not still have and use on occasion… *shifty eyes*)  
**ARTHUR: Look, I row with my father all the time.  **(Aw, is Arthur actually going to give advice to Merlin? He actually is going to show he CARES? Score for Team Merlin and Arthur, Best Friends Forever!)**  You should do what I do, lie low and wait 'till he comes to his senses; it'll soon blow over.  **(Wait a sec. When have you ever done that, Arthur? I've seen you get into plenty of fights with your father, and although he almost always inevitably wins, you don't just back down and wait it out! *scratches chin* Is this one of those "Do as I say, not as I do" things? And if so, why does your advice never work for me? My parents usually seek me out to continue a disagreement. *bites fingernails nervously* THERE'S NO PLACE TO HIDE! WAA!)**  
MERLIN: No, I don't think so, somehow.  
ARTHUR: Oh, cheer up, will you? **(*singsong voice* He ca-ares, he ca-ares, Arthur ca-ares! ARTHUR: No I don't. Shut up, Emachinescat. You're as big an idiot as _Mer_ lin. EMACHINESCAT: Ha! You're wrong!  _No one_  is as big an idiot as Merlin! Uh… wait. MERLIN: Hey! EMACHINESCAT: Oh, look… a distraction. *zooms away before an angry Merlin turns me into a toadstool* … Arthur punches Merlin in the arm – and this actually happens in the episode, it isn't one of my little fantasy conversations… not that I'd ever veer off topic in this story… not at all… *chuckles nervously*)  
**MERLIN:  **(Backs away all timid-like)**  How was punching me in the arm meant to cheer me up? **(You know, Merlin, I totally agree. I'll never get guys and their inability to express feelings. It's like, "Oh, man, I'm so sad, I'm going to take it out on my best guy friend!"** _WHAM!_  Or, "Oh, man, I'm so happy! I'm going to celebrate by smacking my best guy friend on the arm!"  _WHAM!_  Or, "Oh, man, I'm sorry you're sad, bro. Let me make it better by punching you!"  _WHAM!_  Or my favorite, "Dude, I'm hungry. Maybe kicking you in the shin will ease my rumbly tummy."  _WHAM!_  "Hmm… still hungry… but I'm so much more cheerful now!" Why can't a guy go up to another guy and say, "Hey, man, I'm sorry you're so bummed. I'll give you a man-hug and then take you out for a sundae. Ice cream'll make you feel better, yeah?" Guys. Pppht. Such strange, silly creatures.)  
ARTHUR:  **(Looks confused, as if he's just now realizing how redundant his attempted "feel better" was.)** It works with the knights.  
MERLIN: Well, they're thick, aren't they?  **(Good point, Merlin. 'Cept for Sir Leon…and the future Sir Gwaine. Leon's amazing and must have found the Sorcerer's Stone, because he just won't die, and as for Gwaine, well, he's Gwaine! 'Nuff said on that, am I right?** )  
ARTHUR: I'm a knight.  **(Ooh, Arthur, you _so_  just set yourself up for that one! *giggles madly*)  
**MERLIN:  **(Takes advantage of the moment, like any good best friend would… Or any sarcastic, smarmy, and adorable best friend…)** There you go, then.  **(Yes! Point Merlin! C'mon, Merlin, keep it up! You've got a prat to catch up to! Not… that I'm biased in any way, form, or fashion, that is. *whistles nonchalantly*)  
** ARTHUR:  **(Punches Merlin in the arm again, this time harder. And again I say: Arthur, you are a prat. *Sigh* Prat or not, though, I suppose you get a point for your nonverbal but still effective comeback. *grumbles under breath*)**

So, we switch scenes again, and Gaius and Alice are having a chat about old times while Gaius looks at an old present from Alice and Alice goes about trying to poison Uther's meds. I understand your hatred of the king, Alice, really, I do, but is this really the best way to win back your Gaius-Bear? (And  _yes_ , Gaius-Bear was once Alice's favorite nickname for our beloved Court Physician… that and Smoochie-Poo. In return, Gaius called Alice, "Muffin-Love" and "Cupcake-Buttons". Gaius isn't very good with nicknames.)

Before Gaius leaves to give Uther the contaminated medicine, he looks back at Alice and says, "Really, Alice, I don't know how I've survived without you."

Um… hello, lover boy! Isn't it obvious? MERLIN! He's saved your life on a great number of occasions, starting with the day you met, when he used magic, which, like Alice, he is  _quite_  good at (although not so much the healing aspect), to make you not die when you were a clumsy old fart and fell off a shelf thing! Sorry, I like Gaius, really, I do, but he's being a jerk this episode. Not that it's entirely his fault. I'll admit, I've been so twitterpated (and, YES, Microsoft Word,  _twitterpated_  is SO a word… just ask Bambi. *sticks out tongue*) with someone that I've forgotten about how much my friends and even family meant to me, even though in the end it turned out he was a world-class jerk and I—oh sorry… This isn't about me, is it? It's about Gaius and Alice. The ship name is Galice or Gaice. Or Tootie-Frootie. Don't ask.

Anyway…

Gaius goes and gives Uther his medicine, to which Uther toasts, "To my very good health." I find the irony hilariously convenient for what is about to happen. Maybe Uther knows he's about to get poisoned and is trying for a bit of dramatic effect so that Gaius can feel even  _more_  guilty about turning a blind eye to Alice's meanness. Or maybe Uther always makes that toast before he takes his drugs. Now, when I take a Tylenol or something, I'll say, "To my very good health!" Or, "To my Aunt Mabel's left pinky toe!" That would be ironic, because Aunt Mabel doesn't  _have_  a left pinky toe. See, I can be clever too! Or I could say, "To Arthur's tenderheartedness toward his friends!" Or, "To Gaius's perceptiveness when it comes to his lady friends!" Or, "To Morgana's evil subtlety!" Haha, I like be ironic! It's fun! You guys should try it, seriously! In your review, submit the most ironically hilarous Merlin-related medicinal toast, and the most ironically hilarous Merlin-related toast will receive a shout out and a key part in the next chapter of this review. Hee hee…

So later on, Merlin is sitting and moping outside in the dark when the bell rings. You know, the warning bell that rings and says, "TROUBLE, TROUBLE!"

Arthur goes to Gaius for his father, who won't wake up, and when the king's eyes open when Merlin and Gaius look him over, they're pitch black – no whites at all. Like Alice's eyes when the maticore took control. Hmm… connection? Surely not…

By the way, Gaius,  _that_  was sarcasm.

Sarcasm is almost as fun as irony, but it's not just a writing style or a figure of speech – Sarcasm is a way of life. Never forget that, young pupils.

And so Gaius realizes that the king's medicine was poisoned and that perhaps his beloved Alice isn't all that she seemed. Gee, if only someone had warned him of this heartbreaking news… Oh wait…

Sorry, I feel bad for Gaius, really, I do, but poor Merlin is so neglected and emotionally abused by the one person who is  _always_  there for him in this episode, it's hard for me to well up too much sympathy, even if the old dude is in love. You know?

The following argument between Merlin and Gaius only serves to strengthen the above sentiment. Merlin tries to tell his guardian, once again, that  _Alice_  is responsible for this, and Gaius's response?

"All I know is that the king is gravely ill and  _your_  place is by Arthur's side."

Ouch. In other words: "Get away from me, shut up, leave me alone, I'm done with you." At least, that's how  _I_ would have taken it, were I Merlin, which, thankfully, I'm not, because it would be kind of awkward, marrying myself and all. *gets lots of strange looks* What?

After Gaius walks away, the look on our poor Merlin's face is quite devastated. He looks close to tears and who can blame him? He's alone in this and Gaius has just told him to buzz off.

Later on, in Uther's room, Arthur is talking to Merlin and trying to work through what could have caused Uther's illness. And, in a moment of intelligence (oh, come on, Team Arthur, you  _know_  I love Arthur too, but the man can be as dumb as a brick when it comes to magic and many other things), he realizes that it had to be the medicine, after which, Merlin tells Arthur who did it.

And so Arthur has his knights arrest Alice. And Gaius is distraught, but, as Merlin tells the old man, he had no choice but to tell on Alice. It was either Alice or Gaius, and for Merlin, there was no question. No, Gaius, this doesn't make Merlin a tattletale, it makes him honorable and noble and adorable. Actually, he was already adorable. I just tagged that on because it's so true! *giggles in a crazed fangirlish manner*

Okay, kids guess what time it is? RANDOM POETRY TIME!

 _Alice goes to the dungeon and Arthur questions her_  
He asks her lots of questions that the manticore won't allow an answer  
So her eyes turn black and she chokes out, "I'm so sorry"  
Arthur just wants daddy better, and he is so, so worried

 _Merlin goes to Gaius and the Court Physician sighs:_  
"The king is fading, he will die, it's all over now, black are his eyes"  
Okay, so he doesn't say those exact words there  
And no, he isn't Yoda (that we know of), but it had to rhyme, I swear!

 _Then Gaius apologizes for not being very nice_  
Merlin is a sweetheart and forgives him without another fight  
They have to find a way to get the poison out of Uther's gut  
And somehow I don't think that they can extract it from his… (Hey, Pumba, not in front of the kids!) Never mind…

 _Gaius says that maybe if they can destroy the magic box_  
The manticore will die because it's been outfoxed  
So Merlin summons the evil beastie and fights that evil dude  
And even though he's old and frail, Gaius's magic skills ain't crude

 _And so the manticore asplodes (KABOOM!) when Gaius kills the box_  
And Merlin doesn't get stung by it, which even though I'd like some whumpage, really does rock!  
And yes, I know my rhymes are forced and the meter's down the drain  
But since when does random poem time have to be pristine?

 _Stop your whining, can the critics, this is my review_  
And put those rotten tomatoes down, my poem is nearly through ("Phew!")  
One more thing before I go back to the normal prose:  
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if it didn't have a nose?

How was  _that_  for poetic storytelling? *crickets chirp and some old drunk guy in the back row starts screaming about badgers and lima beans* Fine.

Anyway, the rest of the episode goes thus: Uther gets better and sentences Alice to death. Gaius asks if she might be pardoned since she was under control of a creature, and Uther says there's no circumstances where practicing magic is accepted. At which point I want to punch his face and remind him of his "beloved" ward getting tossed down the stairs, and the "circumstances" that allowed magic to save her. Gah, that man is such a hypocrite!

Gaius visits Alice in the dungeon and they have a sweet but sappy conversation where Gaius tells Alice not to be afraid and where Alice thanks Gaius for forgiving her, and they hug. The next morning, Alice has mysteriously escaped. Hum. I wonder how that happened?

Teehee…

I'm glad she didn't die, even if her presence did cause Merlin some emotional angst. Heck, what am I saying, I love the angst! Alice should come back for a visit soon! (I know, I'm mean, aren't I?)

Merlin and Gaius talk about what happened, Gaius teases Merlin with that silly ham or whatever it was that's been passed around all episode, and they laugh, and all is well again.

Classic ending.

* * *

**Stats:**

**Burn Meter 5000:**  
Part 2: Arthur 1, Merlin 1  
This Episode so Far: Arthur 4, Merlin 1  
Total: Arthur 46, Merlin 44

 **Shirtless Arthur Scenes:**  
Part 2: 0  
This Episode so Far: 0  
Total: 5

 **Smirk-O-Meter**  
Part 2: 0  
This Episode so Far: 0  
Total: 60


End file.
